I pushed my On/off girl too far... realise I want her back

[DeadlyAvenger]

Thank you for the kind words radiodarcy.

 

I did a possibly stupid thing, I sent another email, after chatting to friends I realised I hadn't actually told her that what I actually want from her is to actually marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. So I sent another message basically saying that before we stop speaking she should know that that's how I felt. But it may have been too much, didn't get any response, or to my other email (above) although to be honest don't think I'll hear from ever again I know she's moved on, and my emails must be getting irritating and clingy now.

 

I just can't forgive myself...It was all my fault, and that just keeps repeating in my head... it was all my fault. I had an amazing girl who wanted to be with me but pushed her away and I wanted to see what else was out there. Why was I so f ****ing stupid!!?

 

I can't stop thinking about it, and her. I really really don't know how I'm gonna get over this. I genuinely feel like I won't meet anyone like her now.

[Dust]

Thank you for the kind words radiodarcy.

 

I did a possibly stupid thing, I sent another email, after chatting to friends I realised I hadn't actually told her that what I actually want from her is to actually marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. So I sent another message basically saying that before we stop speaking she should know that that's how I felt. But it may have been too much, didn't get any response, or to my other email (above) although to be honest don't think I'll hear from ever again I know she's moved on, and my emails must be getting irritating and clingy now.

 

I just can't forgive myself...It was all my fault, and that just keeps repeating in my head... it was all my fault. I had an amazing girl who wanted to be with me but pushed her away and I wanted to see what else was out there. Why was I so f ****ing stupid!!?

 

I can't stop thinking about it, and her. I really really don't know how I'm gonna get over this. I genuinely feel like I won't meet anyone like her now.

 

Of course you’re still upset you haven’t even started NC yet. Stop sending her stuff and try not to think about her. Distract yourself with the other passions in your life what ever they are.

 

Every time you send her a message or call her or what ever you reset the amount of time it will take to get over her. Just try to think happy thoughts and do other things. You put it all out there so there’s nothing left to do.

[radiodarcy]

your welcome DeadlyAvenger. it's understandable why you sent that email. i to tried contacting my ex after he dumped me - - i think we all have. it's a normal part of the healing process because it's our way of making sense of things. but unfortunately our exes aren't always willing to participate in that process. and in all fairness, they shouldn't be expect too. as unfair as it is, it's up to us to deal with the decision they made. because they simply won't. your ex's silence to your email says it all, i'm afraid.

 

i agree with Dust. it's best to stop contacting her. you're only going to hurt yourself. the next several weeks are going to be rough. but you'll just have to tough it out. just continue to allow yourself to feel the pain. for me it was about four weeks before i felt some degree of relief. but during those first few weeks i was a basket case. going to bed crying every night. i thought about him constantly; it was all i could do to sit on my hands to keep from contacting him. the only thing that stopped me was knowing it would make me feel worse.

 

but eventually i was able to focus on other things. and while i still have my moments and continue to think about him quite a bit; it's much less than it was before.

 

i think i'll always love my ex. but he does not (and has not ever) felt the same and i have to accept that. and NC is really the only way to go in order to do so. simply put there is no redeeming value in trying to be a part of someone's life when they no longer wish to be a part of yours.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Thanks radiodarcy, although you comment about my exe's silence to my emails is like a dagger through the heart

 

And I know NC is the only way to go now, i really do...but i was reading the following thread http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199355 which talks about reverse pyscology and rebounds

 

Obviously i have come on very strong since hearing she was seeing someone else, according to this thread this will prob drive her even closer to the new guy, and made me look like an easy backup. I was thinking sending a message later in week just apologising for the messages, accepting that shes moved on, wish her luck and that in the future we could maybe be freinds. Obv it may not help sitation, but maybe it will leave me looking less clingy and leave it on a better note and perhaps, just perhaps make her realise im not an easy backup and make her wonder to if ive moved on??

 

i know your all gonna say its a bad idea!

 

Also weirdly i know she was using the dating site we met on just 10 days ago so makes me wonder how serious it is between her and this guy? But I know im clinging on desperately to anything to i can get, which i need to stop!

Edited May 25, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger

[radiodarcy]

hey DeadlyAvenger. sorry about that. i know it hurts to hear - -but at this rate, silence is your worst enemy. i remember all those times i tried contacting my ex and all i got was silence. and yes it was like a dagger through my heart, too. but you will find as i have over time, that silence is also your greatest ally. because she is not the only one who can wield it - - you can too. silence does not deserve to be rewarded by continuing to maintain contact. maintaining contact after the fact is only going to make you look desperate -- which i'm sure you are not!

 

you can send her the e-mail apologizing for being so forward but yes -- i would advise against it. at this rate it's only going to look like damage control. besides, offering to be friends will have the opposite effect: it *will* make you look clingy. staying in the friendzone tells her that you're willing to wait around until she decides to give you the second chance that may or may not ever come; which will essentially leave you in limbo.

 

the best way to show you're not going to be a clingy back up is by leaving it be and maintaining NC. you need to completely vacate yourself from her life. that will show her that you will *not* be her back up. so in effect, you are making silence work for *you* by taking the power back from her and retaining your dignity in the process.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Me desperate? never

 

I've actually just been reading the Laws of attraction thread, and its helped heaps. And it actually kinda reinforces the apology message i want to send her, i.e. i wasnt giving her any free will before, and i was putting her on a pedestal in a big way too. A message saying "whatever" may help. True it looks like damage limitation but at the minute i dont look good in her eyes.

 

The message im thinking of sending is this:

Hey...I know I said I wasn't gonna contact you again but I just wanted to apologise, I shouldn't have sent those messages earlier this week and i probably shouldnt have driven down to see u either, I guess i overreacted, and I guess I just wanted to let u know u how I felt and stuff, but you know what, I've accepted that you've moved on , and im actually ok with it now. And u deserve to be happy so its kool, but u make sure u tell this other guy he's a very lucky guy tho won't u

Me and the girl from (x) are chatting again so everything's kool.

Honestly, I really do wish you the best. And it would be really nice to chat as friends again sometime

 

 

If you think it should be changed in any way let me know, or if you still think i should just leave it totally and go NC...let me know!

Edited May 25, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger

[radiodarcy]

actually - - i have to hand it to you - - this looks pretty good! you retained your dignity while being gracious abt her moving on at the same time. that's not easy to pull off. i would still stick to the plan of waiting a week before sending it. but after that - - i would stick to NC

[Dust]

You should just stick with NC. I don’t even understand what you are apologizing to her for. The sooner you stop caring what she thinks the better. To even consider sending a letter the way you are is breaking NC. So do yourself a favor and stay NC.

[Surfer Girl]

If you feel you have to communicate keep it simple...she is not going to want to have a drawn out explanation....I respect you and wish you only happiness in your life.I will miss you..take care... And leave it at that she will respect you a lot more...

[Dust]

If you feel you have to communicate keep it simple...she is not going to want to have a drawn out explanation....I respect you and wish you only happiness in your life.I will miss you..take care... And leave it at that she will respect you a lot more...

 

Really what does it matter if she respects him or not. It’s about respecting and doing what is best for him. This is the attitude he should have. When you bring joy into your life that’s when you have the greatest opportunity to bring joy into the life of others. It’s step one, step two.

[DeadlyAvenger]

So i ended up sending that message i wrote above, but much sooner than i wanted to (wed 25th) ...long story

 

Anyway she was quite recpetive and replied thanks for being so understanding, but then said, "if it was meant to be with us it would have worked out for us a long time ago", which led to a msg exchange with me saying "i was really stupid", "im kicking myslef, cus i feel like your who im supposed to be with" etc etc. I then foolishy rang her even tho she wanted to go to bed.

 

Anyway we chatted for nearly an hour, we said some nice things about me driving down to see her etc but i basically went kinda into plead mode mixed with acceptance again, but the underlying issue she says is she doesnt feel that way for me anymore...just cares for me as a friend...and is happy getting to know this new guy. And that even if she wasnt with this guy she thinks it would be hard to start something as it takes two to be in a relationship.

 

I kept her on the phone altho she cleary was tired and wanted to go sleep, kinda continuing to try to persuade her.

 

The next day (thurs 26th may) i got a message, saying (yet again) "ive been thinking its best if we dont speak or meet up". to be honest i was expecting this after how the phone call was,

 

I replied with "ive been thinking too, and i dont really care anymore about us being together, cus your right it takes two people to want to work at something and yeah your right we shouldnt talk. take care x"

 

i guess i wanted to show her that i have kinda accepted it and moved on..which i genuinely thought i had slightly...but i knew deep down im not even close to feeling that.

 

And a tiny part if me is still foolishy praying that i wont work out with this guy.

 

Anyway I kept myself very busy thursday night andd after chatting to friends felt heaps better.

 

But this morning (fri) and actually all day ive felt as bad as i ever did.

 

Ive had to see the dr on wed cus ive been that upset over this whole week. i can honestly say ive actually considered hurting myself phisically to take away the mental anguish im suffering...im in a bad place right now. Please help me out here guys...

 

I cant just explain in words just how angry i am at myslef and how much regret i feel for not appreciating her and just messing a good thing up

[radiodarcy]

hey DeadlyAvenger. sorry to hear how things are going. please be sure to let you doctor know about your urges to harm yourself. and if you do find yourself contemplating on giving into that urge, try to call a friend or find a safe place to go until those urges have gone away. i too contemplated self-harm. the only things that kept me from following through was knowing how upset the people who DO care abt me - - my family and friends would be. i also thought abt how much it would traumatize my beloved basset hound and two cats; not to mention there would be no one around to care for them.

 

look at it this way - - you know now that you did everything you could to make things work. so there is nothing more left to do. i suspect this realization has already hit you which is why you are feeling so low today. i went through the same thing when i re-started NC three months ago. i had broken it back n february after my ex contacted me the day before my birthday. he didn't even say happy birthday next day! but i was so happy to hear from him and that he wanted to be friends, i decided to give it a go. besides, after two and a half months of NC i thought i could handle it. but sure enough, after about a week it was back to the old routine. with him going from texting/IMing me every day. to all out ignoring me the next. when he did contact me it was to tell me about all the dates he was going on. he would fill me in on every last gory detail. it was then that i realized i wasn't over him and that i was deluding myself into thinking i could be friends with him and i still wanted the relationship, that he was never going to give me. so i decided the best thing for me to do was to go back to NC. so i told him as much over IM one day and logged off. he immediately phoned me. but i did not pick up and deleted the voice message he left me (something i had NEVER done before). initially i felt a terrific high and sense of power. i had finally done it! i had finally walked! but a day or two later i crashed. and as time went on and i didn't hear from him again, the sense of finality hit me.

 

it was several weeks before i started feeling better. and while i do have still have my low days (my most recent one was two days ago), the good days are getting to be more. i no longer feel weighed down by loneliness and depression. i've re-discovered old interests like music politics books and animal welfare. i've become vegetarian and started a new work out routine. and while i am not ready to start dating, i have been noticing other men. which is a far cry from when i refused to look or date another guy ever again.

 

and things will get better for you too! just continue to turn to friends and family for support and give it time. everyone heals at their own pace and has setbacks. so don't be frustrated if the healing doesn't seem to go fast enough. just be patient with yourself and you will get through it. and of course, we here at LS are always here to help you vent...

[Dust]

Try to start NC (no contact) you'd already be well on your way to healing if you had gone all out when I very first told you and then gone NC if it hadn't of worked out. Don't beat yourself up no one is perfect.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Thanks again Dust, radiodarcy...your advice & help has been invaluble

 

Dust, yet 'another' regret is not listening to your advice and not going for broke sooner! I just can’t stop replaying mistakes like this along with countless others in my head. The regret is truly unbearable.

 

I’ve realised ive had this pattern with every girl ive met, I came into each relationship with hang ups about an ex, therefore jeopardising the relationship from day 1. I did the same with this girl...and if I’m not careful I could it again. On top of this i always have doubts about women i with no matter how nice they are. How do I end this cycle?

 

My big big worry is I won’t meet someone as good as her again...and that really scares me. I guess she set a benchmark...but just didn’t realise it when I was with her.

 

I also just can’t get my head round that were not speaking and that she actually doesn’t want me to speak to her...although i understand her reasons. Were were speaking as friends up until a month or two ago.

 

I’ve been unemployed for a few months, I’m approaching mid 30's, not been happy with general life situation even before this all happened - it just feels like my world has truly crumbled. I know my happiness should not revolve around another person, but I know (now) it would have made a massive difference to be with her.

 

I can honestly say this feels as bad as when I lost a close family member...the difference is though I’m the only one feeling the pain...and it actually feels more acute.

 

I have a really big interview this week (my first since being out of work), but I’m in no frame of mind to concentrate & prepare for it at all. I don’t enjoy interviews & interview prep at the best of times but with this all happening its incredibly difficult just thinking about it, I haven’t even read the job spec yet and it’s been 5 days! Any tips on how I can focus?

 

Also any tips on how to sleep? I haven’t slept properly for over two weeks.

Edited May 28, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger

[jacksonBrown]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272674/

 

it helped me alot when i was down and depressed ova my ex

 

all the best

[radiodarcy]

Thanks again Dust, radiodarcy...your advice & help has been invaluble

 

Dust, yet 'another' regret is not listening to your advice and not going for broke sooner! I just can’t stop replaying mistakes like this along with countless others in my head. The regret is truly unbearable.

 

I’ve realised ive had this pattern with every girl ive met, I came into each relationship with hang ups about an ex, therefore jeopardising the relationship from day 1. I did the same with this girl...and if I’m not careful I could it again. On top of this i always have doubts about women i with no matter how nice they are. How do I end this cycle?

 

My big big worry is I won’t meet someone as good as her again...and that really scares me. I guess she set a benchmark...but just didn’t realise it when I was with her.

 

I also just can’t get my head round that were not speaking and that she actually doesn’t want me to speak to her...although i understand her reasons. Were were speaking as friends up until a month or two ago.

 

I’ve been unemployed for a few months, I’m approaching mid 30's, not been happy with general life situation even before this all happened - it just feels like my world has truly crumbled. I know my happiness should not revolve around another person, but I know (now) it would have made a massive difference to be with her.

 

I can honestly say this feels as bad as when I lost a close family member...the difference is though I’m the only one feeling the pain...and it actually feels more acute.

 

I have a really big interview this week (my first since being out of work), but I’m in no frame of mind to concentrate & prepare for it at all. I don’t enjoy interviews & interview prep at the best of times but with this all happening its incredibly difficult just thinking about it, I haven’t even read the job spec yet and it’s been 5 days! Any tips on how I can focus?

 

Also any tips on how to sleep? I haven’t slept properly for over two weeks.

 

while i realize this isn't a favorable comparison, you seem to have a lot of the same issues as my ex; he is in his mid 30's and after a divorce and a string of failed relationships; he too finds himself struggling with the ghosts of relationships past.

 

the difference is -- instead of ignoring your issues and trying to muscle past them, you know what they are and have taken steps to make sense of them so you can break the cycle. may i ask if you have considered counseling - - specifically cognitive behavior therapy? i was with a counselor for 15 years and she used this technique with me. it helped me tremendously with talking back to the negative thought i had been having; which in turned helped me to break the cycle of self-destructive behavior i had been engaging in - - i was a compulsive/emotional eater. at 5 feet my weight ballooned to 180 pounds. i would keep everything inside and comfort myself with food. but when i finally did blow up i would feel guilty about that then eat because i felt bad. but once i started learning how to deal with my issues and better control my behavior, i built more confidence in myself; started eating right and exercising and lost over 60 pounds!

 

i also er- - met my ex :\ *sigh*. however, once again - - i have learned to apply the same techniques i learned in cognitive therapy; which has helped me stick to NC and regain my confidence. my problems will never go away. but i definitely feel better equipped to deal with them.

 

as for the job interview. it would be great it you could get it! having a job will help you regain your confidence and will help you re-direct your focus so that you won't be as distracted by the break up. it will also help give you a routine and an opportunity to get out of the house/apartment and be around other people. which is something people are depressed need. so that is definitely a motivator to becoming prepared.

 

not sure if the doctor you saw prescribed any medication but that will help improve your mood as well. although it can take one to two weeks to kick in. as you have discussed self harm, sleep aids would not be an option. i would suggest. Here is a link i found when i googled how to fall asleep w/out meds http://www.ehow.com/how_2352936_fall-asleep-faster-drugs.html

 

number one works best for me

Edited May 31, 2011 by radiodarcy

[CrazyMiner]

You just need to think about how you want to proceed and take it from there.