Author DeadlyAvenger Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 (edited) ^ Sorry if I already asked you this, but why did she break up with you? Is there another man involved? Yeah she said she fairly recently started to get to know someone, but as I said in my original post, we've kinda just been friends sine the new year. Edited April 24, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger
Johnny85 Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Yeah she said she fairly recently started to get to know someone, but as I said in my original post, we've kinda just been friends sine the new year. Speaking from my own experience, as long as she is seeing someone else, there is very little that you can do. You can either wait around and hope she one day decides to be with you; or you can move on and focus on yourself. As for continuing to be her friend, I think that it your choice to make. I have very limited contact with my ex because I feel better that way. If we are meant to be, then an opportunity will present itself in the future. As for now, I get nothing from being her emotional cushion while she is focusing on moving on and dating a new man. I am an optimist; I do not like giving up. But at the same time, I am also a realist. Time and space is your new best friend (in my opinion, this does not mean NC; instead do what feels right and however you feel is right for you to move on).
Dust Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Hey Johnny85, last exchange of communication was very short msn on wed, rang her on friday but no callback or response to this. What do you reckon? I reckon this is very half assed if you consider msn and such going for broke. You go find her in person and you give her a gift (flowers, jewelry something you know she likes) and you use your weapon of mass destruction you tell her you LOVE her. Then just say things are going to be different (be vague what was bad but feel free to elaborate on how good it will be and how she needs to be your gf etc), and you can’t be with out. Then say some feely stuff about all the things you like about her and invite her out to something she’ll find hard to say no to, whether it be a concert she’ll like or food at a special restaurant. If she turns down an all out attempt then just go NC. Real no contact is done to forget the idea of ever having a continuing relationship with that person. It’s to help you move on. If you are doing it with the hopes you will get back together that isn’t NC.
reallyconfused2542 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 can i tell you i did that?i took her out last wed and we had a great time. holding hand, kissing, talking about a lot of stuff. then today the day after the flower incident she say that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. i went all out i think. i didnt get the result. now NC is what i have to do. ive lost her i think
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Sorry i havent updated the thread for a while guys. Just to keep you updated this is whats happened so far... So basically last sunday morning i decided to "kinda" follow some of the advice on hear and tell her what i was thinking (in a hopefully non-needy way!). So i sent her a text basically saying that i meant what i had said to her before i.e. that i did genuinely want to be with her and that i had really missed her and that i was only interested in her and no-one else. She replied 12 hours later saying my message meant a lot and that she had been thinking about it all day but she didnt know what to say at the moment. She also said she'd like to keep in touch as friends, and that "im a nice guy" and she doesnt want to mess anyone around. She ended the text by saying she just wants some time on her own. I replied the follwowing morning just to say thanks for replying and that it would be good to speak her again sometime. And left it that, full NC. Its been a 6 days since this exchange. What should i do next, wait another week to contact, or just continue waiting for her to contact? P.S. I also know she recently logged into the dating site this week so possibly it isnt working out with the other guy.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Another very quick update to the previous post...erm... I just broke NC!!! It was just a "hey" msg on whatsapp (msn type app for fones), as I could she was currently online I.e. 'using' it at the time. I sennt it approx at 4.30 am, I'd justI been on a night out, guess I was feeling down No reply tho...I'm furious at myself for sending it! What am I doing! What do I do now? I was kinda waiting for a response to above email to tell to continue with NC!
Fufu Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 That's the problem with Breaking NC, you will tend to question yourself the whole day, the next few days, weeks, months WHY WHY WHY my ex never reply me... Or if they reply you, you will start to think, will they ever come back to me. You broke NC, start your NC again.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) Hi guys , Sorry i havent updated the thread lately, I really wish i had! A lots happened and your advice as the advice so far has been great. But i could realy do with some urgent advice now as im really really stressing out (Apologies again for the level of detail and the lenghty post.) Well basically i've been doing low contact...which i know will be frowned upon, my worry was "out of sight...out of mind" esp as it seems to being going well with her new guy. im guessing i screwed up the no contact anyway! The contact between us has been as follows: - (Sun 8th may) I genuinely accidently text her! I explained it was an accident, She replied with just "OK" :-/ -(Mon 9th May) She then sent me a msn msg out ofthe blue just to say hi, had a quick chat but i think i kept it breif. -(Wed 11th may) We had another heart to heart on the phone just over a week ago, it started off as me just calling her, had a nice chat but then she basically said she was "with" this other guy...previously it was "getting to know", which was completely heart breaking, initially i said fair enough, but then i kinda broke and told that i did really wanna be with her, she was implying that she just wanted to be friends again but the confusion was she asked questions like " why do you want to be with me?"..."what about the long distnace between us" i.e still enquiring about it. I asked her to at least think about what i said. She left the conversation saying she speak to me again soon. This week ive been getting really stressed about this all...and i kinda devised a multi angle plan of attack, maybe ill advised? -(Tue 16th May - AM) Said hi to her on msn...we both asked each other how we were doing, how our days were going etc...i kept it breif again. -(Tue 16th May) Later that same late that night mentioned i was gonna be in her hometown this weekend and said be nice to meet. This was to test the water with her...Her reply was "Hi, hope your ok, Sorry im not around in (her town) this weeknd. Sorry". So she wasnt catergorically saying no or taht it was a bad idea etc. But it was kinda formal for her. -(Tue 16th May) i sent her a hand written "2nd chance" letter.. inspired by TW jackson - where basically i owned up to my mistakes, apologised but not neccesarily asking for a second chance...only problem is i dont know if she got as i never sent by recorded post! But basically i still dont quite know where i stand, esp after Wed 11th phone call...(maybe im getting a taste of my medicine) But If im "totally totally" honest my gut feeling is that its too late she is happy with this other guy. Anyway as sefish as it sounds i dont care if i confuse her or mess with her head now, i just want her back...by hook or by crook...but i am also prepared to lose her now totally because i cant put myself through this anymore...its actually making me ill. Maybe i should wait till she reads the letter? I dont know what to do? But Im thinking i should firstly tell her exactly how i feel i.e. that I do love her and miss her and basically cant do without her. Ive pre-written several texts one explaining this, another saying we should try and make a go of it and finally one for the worse case scenario (i.e friends only) saying that basically i cant carry on like this...and that i dont want to hear from her again. At the moment i guess things are "ok" between us but going nowhere...and i cant really handle that...I think i just need an answer..but also part of me at the same time doesnt wanna ruin any tiny chance either Obviously this sitatuion is really stressing me out , any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. Edited May 19, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger
Dust Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Back when you started posting about this I gave you some good advice, you chose not to take it. Pretty much your options were go NC, or go for broke (go all out see her in person tell her you love her etc.) and if that doesn’t work go NC. You just did your own half assed thing which involved txts and really mild continuous attempts at getting her back. You barely tried, yet you think about her a lot. Good job.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Back when you started posting about this I gave you some good advice, you chose not to take it. Pretty much your options were go NC, or go for broke (go all out see her in person tell her you love her etc.) and if that doesn’t work go NC. You just did your own half assed thing which involved txts and really mild continuous attempts at getting her back. You barely tried, yet you think about her a lot. Good job. Hey Dust...thats harsh but fair...your totally right ive done neither really. I should have listened! Going for broke is difficult as logistically as its hard to meet (long distance plus her reluctance to meet) but i will def go for broke asap and then go NC as youve suggested...but it may be down text message or calling and/or flowers, what do you reckon?
Dust Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Hey Dust...thats harsh but fair...your totally right ive done neither really. I should have listened! Going for broke is difficult as logistically as its hard to meet (long distance plus her reluctance to meet) but i will def go for broke asap and then go NC as youve suggested...but it may be down text message or calling and/or flowers, what do you reckon? Its not going for broke unless you see her in person. Call her and say you “need” to see her. Tell her there is something you want to tell her and give her. It will peak her interest. Do this on the phone not through txt. Tell her you love her when you see her and that you aren’t going to let her out of your life. Don’t beg her, just make it clear you want her, all of her. A real relationship and to make this or any other guy go away. Look there is something about you that is mildly slow about all this. You really remind me of myself a long time ago. Go for broke then and that means in person. Seriously its not that hard to meet her in person. You just go out there and wait like a stalker if you have to. It should be easy enough to get her to agree to meet. This is your last shot. No reason to act desperate you are just doing this for yourself so you know you gave it an all out try. Then go NC, no more accidental txts because she won’t be in ur phone, you’ll block her on email, fb everything. And if she does msg you then you’ll ignore anything short of “we’re getting back toghather.”
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Its not going for broke unless you see her in person. Call her and say you “need” to see her. Tell her there is something you want to tell her and give her. It will peak her interest. Do this on the phone not through txt. Tell her you love her when you see her and that you aren’t going to let her out of your life. Don’t beg her, just make it clear you want her, all of her. A real relationship and to make this or any other guy go away. Look there is something about you that is mildly slow about all this. You really remind me of myself a long time ago. Go for broke then and that means in person. Seriously its not that hard to meet her in person. You just go out there and wait like a stalker if you have to. It should be easy enough to get her to agree to meet. This is your last shot. No reason to act desperate you are just doing this for yourself so you know you gave it an all out try. Then go NC, no more accidental txts because she won’t be in ur phone, you’ll block her on email, fb everything. And if she does msg you then you’ll ignore anything short of “we’re getting back toghather.” Many many thanks Dust...im gonna do this today, yourself and friend have inspired me. I was gonna send a long text and flowers but your right this is the only way and you right its a last shot. Wish me luck.
Billie The Puppet Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 So she has a new guy and you are still wanting to win her over/ go for broke? I really hope you prepare yourself for yet another rejection. You are basically going to put her in a position where you say him or me. This may show your love for her but it also shows a huge lack of respect. My advice is to go NC, that means block on all forms of messaging.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) So...... Just to update with what happened...i went down to see her on thursday, rather than suprise her at her workplace i decided to call her and tell her i that i wanted her to speak to her and that by the way...im in her home town, she didnt believe me at first! She agreed to come meet me at the place i was at, although she rang me halfway on her journey to say she was really confused as to why i was there. Anyway she got there and we sat in her car. For the first time ever i was really nervous meeting her. I told her that i loved her, that i wanted to be with her, and that i was serious wanting to have a serious relationship, and that i'd been incredibly stupid before, although i might not have remembered exectly everyhing i wanted to say. I cant remember exactly everything but she said that she just saw us as freinds and that she didnt feel neccesarilly like she used to, and that she wanted to make the effort with this other guy bacause he deseved a chance and that she was confused about what i was expecting her to say to me...but...and this is really hard to explain...i could tell that me coming down to see her and telling her everything had made her think about it. I genuinely thnk she was confused full stop. She see also said that when she sent me a text 4 weeks ago saying - "I need time to think" she genuinely was thinking about giving me another chance. So not that long ago she was seriously considering it. We only got to chat for 20-30min as she had a work commitment which was probably a blessing in disguise. As we said goodbye we had a very tender hug and held hands breifly. Because she had to go and because it felt like we never really finished the conversation she said she'd call me later that night. I wasnt expecting her to ring till later that night, but she rang about an hour later whilst i was still driving back, i didnt answer because i guess i wanted to delay the inevitable! But then she rang again half hour later but i accidently took the call on my bluetooth! But she basically just wanted to ask if i was ok an if i'd found my way back ok, she didnt say much else and I dont know if she was going to say anything else about the day but she had another call on the line..saved by the bell maybe! Anyway then i got a text about 10pm saying "Thanks for coming, im still shocked". Honestly im not saying this out of hope but i genuinely dont feel like i still have a definitive answer from her, and she 'might' be thinking about it, but what do you reckon? I think that she really appreciated me coming down... although she was very shocked! Anyway I felt great on thursday night and most of friday, as I felt like I did all I could do and I was prepared for her to say no. But if im honest im kinda stressing again and obviously i dont want her to say no. But i dont know what to do now. I know its only been since Thursday but i dont know whether to push it, or just let her stew on it a little longer, i feel like i've planted a seed in her mind (hopefully). I know its still very unlikely, maybe just a 1% chance... but i guess its hope for the best & expect the worst. Dust i know you suggested to just let her contact me if she wants to. But part of me feels like i should chase this up! If im honest I feel like writing her an email or calling and consolidating what i said on to her on Thursday. Btw thank you again for the idea Dust, even if nothing comes of it you helped restore my sanity a bit! I would never of thought of it and im 100% glad i did it. Edited May 21, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Are you around Dust? Really could do with your advice on this again...i was doing good after my suprise vist but now im really stressing again about what to do and the fact not heard anything from her (and yeah i know its only been a couple of days!)
Leda Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 For the first time ever i was really nervous meeting her. I told her that i loved her, that i wanted to be with her, and that i was serious wanting to have a serious relationship, and that i'd been incredibly stupid before, although i might not have remembered exectly everyhing i wanted to say. Good for you for being brave, romantic, and honest without being desperate. She is in another relationship, and like she said, she was shocked. You can't tell too much from her initial response, but because she wants to give things with this other guy a chance (and even if she didn't), you've got to give her time and space to process what happened. She is definitely thinking about things, I'm sure. My advice would be to go No Initial Contact for a month starting today. You laid it all out there, and she has to think about it. It might take her a while to get over the shock and think things out. She also needs to get to the point where she can feel that you're serious, that things could work between you, and that you're not just jealous because she's seeing someone else. If she does contact you, be warm and honest in your responses, but don't agree to be friendzoned. If she doesn't, keep giving her space and time.
Dust Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 It’s interesting to finally see some one take my advice. To bad you didn’t take it sooner because sounds like things are really confusing now. You did really good. You laid it out on the line and didn’t sound desperate. Only thing I would have done differently is poked at her more when she sounded confused about the other guy. Like when she said give him a chance. What does that even mean? (not like she said she really cares about him) I think now that you went for broke and laid it all out on the line in person you can go NC. You know that you gave it all you got. If that wasn’t good enough then going no contact and moving on with your life is what’s best. Stop thinking about her and with time maybe as little as a few weeks you’ll start feeling better. Live and learn, date other girls. Short of her saying she wants to get back together I would ignore her. Every guy I know myself including have made similar mistakes with girls only to realize it when we lost them. This is a life lesson. You’re going to make it through this the wiser and stronger. Don’t let this bitter you. Some guys learn this lesson when their wife walks out on them. Consider it lucky you learned it now even if it is a painful lesson. Things do seem up in the air with this girl but better to treat it as if its over. Go NC, feel free to date other girls, move on with your life. Time will heal you. Ignore her trying to be your friend etc. unless she wants to get back together. Your NC starts now, if you stick to it you’ll be better soon enough.
dontinababy Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 [email protected] Hello Dear, My name is Tina i saw you profile today and became intrested in you and i want you to contact me back through my private email([email protected]) here so that i can give you my photo for you to know whom i am,and remember that distance or colour doesn't matter anything but love matters allot in life,am waiting for your reply. OK Tina
Frank13 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Its human nature to not know what we have till its gone. Or is it simply wanting what we can't have? Then when we get it we don't want it.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Hey guys... Just to let you know its over, got a message very early this morning. she says shes happy with this other guy and thinks its best if we dont contact each other...im truly truly devastated Thank you all for your help though.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) For info heres the message i got: "Hi. I just needed to say I have someone in my life who I'm very much happy with, cares for me and loves me. after everything I think its best we go our own way. I also think its best if we don't speak anymore you will find your happiness. Also please don't send anything at my workplace, or my flat as its being rented out. I'm sorry it to be this way but its for the best. Take care x" She obviously now realises being friends wont help me. I decided to reply with an email, im not sure why, out of despair i guess, but i really need to get some stuff out. And i noticed she never says how much she cares for him. Anyway here it is, maybe it can help some of u guys in a similar situation: "Hey... I got your message. Honestly im not gonna lie to you, i cried when i saw it this morning. Devastated isnt the word. Bet you never thought you would be the one to make me cry right? To be honest deep down I knew your mind was made up and probably has been for a very long while and thats what really hurts. It bugs me that just a few weeks ago even you said were seriously thinking about giving us a chance, I guess i couldnt understand how things changed so quickly, i really did think there was a chance for us, but I just wish you never said you “needed time” tho as it really got my hopes up. But it doesnt matter anymore i know, it’s all by the by now. The main reason i came down to see you was actually to get an answer, a yes or a no, cus it was bugging me so much, but if im honest i left being as confused as before as it felt like you still felt something for me. But I guess Ive got my answer now. But for what it’s worth seeing you for those 20min was worth the seven hours of driving. I want you to know Ive meant absolutely everything ive said to you, 100%. All i wanted was for you to give me the benefit of the doubt, that was all, and to just trust me. I know your happy, and i respect that, and im sure you really care for this guy, just like you care so much for everyone in your life, but I dont know if part of you is with just him cus you dont wanna mess him around and cus its straight forward and cus he's decent and theres no hassle or drama...But love isnt about simple, it’s not about practicality, it’s not about how easy... it’s about how you feel about someone, how they make you feel, and if you can’t live without them... absolutely nothing else matters. Im not trying to persuade you or anything, cus i know your minds made up now, i do, but you know im right about this right? Ive heard u say quite a few times that this guy really cares about you, makes you happy but do "you" really love and care about him? If thats the case then honestly i swear i’ll accept that, cus i do want you to be happy...i really do. If im being totally honest i know i dont wanna be without you and I know you still care about me too...and not just as a freind. I know you didnt trust me, but i swear on my life...in fact i swear on the life of my kids...that had you given me another chance you would have been able to trust me more than any other person you know. And honestly just ask yourself, how many other guys would drive 3 & half hours for you just to see you for 20 mins? I actually stopped talking it with that girl from (my home town) on Friday, not necessarily cus i thought it'll help the situation with us, cus i didnt think it would make any diff anyway, but i wanted to do the right thing and mainly cus it wasnt fair on her if i was seeing her and thinking about you. maybe i have changed hey... When i left you on thursday i was actually kinda happy cus i know did everything i could have done to try and fix this between us, but i guess it wasnt enough though. The reason i didnt answer the phone when you rang was cus i was so scared about what you were gonna say and i guess i just didnt wanna hear it. Anyway I just wish i’d realised how i felt about you sooner, honestly im kicking myself sooo much right now. Seriously...if it doesnt work out with this guy...im here. Im really really gonna miss you. I love you...with all my heart. xxx" Honestly i feel sick to my core at the moment, ive been so incredibly stupid. All i can say is that the grass is not always greener, if you have someone good and really wants to be with you hold on to them tight and dont mess it up. Edited May 23, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Hey SuchIsLife, many many thanks for that great post, its really helped. My problem is ive done this before i.e. not appreciated a girl and just havent learnt from it all...in fact i said several times to friends i'd regret it if she went but i still let it happen. And im just incredibly angry at myself for letting it happen again, I cant quite believe my own stupidity, this girl gave me so many chances. But I actually wish she did this at the beginning so i woke up and appreciated her straight away instead of putting up with my behaviour! The other thing is im worried cus im not young anymore, and i do really wanna meet someone and settle down real soon, so im panicking a lot about that as well. You might be right tho, it was mainly when she told me that she was seeing someone that made me think about how i really felt about her. So maybe it was a case of something i couldnt have. I have (kinda) accepted its over, but i guess im still in the mourning phase at the minute. Bizarrely she hasnt blocked me on msn...but i know im probably just grasping at straws. I know i have to pick myself up, stop dwelling etc but to be honest im kinda tired of life at the minute, and exhausted of feeling regret...which is my biggest emotion at the minute...knowing it was all my fault again.
Author DeadlyAvenger Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Guys dont wanna sound like a needy so & so but im really really struggling today, shed a few tears already, maybe reality is setting. Any more words of support would be greatly appreciated.
radiodarcy Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 well i have to say - - your ex is one lucky lady. i only wish my ex would have come back the way you did. it shows a lot of courage and character that you did that. i don't know too many people who would have. which should tell you that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. it may not feel that way now because you're having such a difficult time of it. but when a significant amount of time has passed you will be able to reflect and see how this experience has helped you realize that you are a complex, compassionate individual who is deserving of the love that your ex is now unable to accept. but down the road there will be another woman out there who will. allow yourself to feel the pain now. that's a vital part of the healing process. these next several weeks are going to be particularly difficult but you will get through them. just continue to post here. you may want to keep a personal journal as well.
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