fortyninethousand322 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 No, this isn't about how many messages I get or don't get, etc. The biggest problem I seem to have is setting up dates and locations for said dates. I have been corresponding with a girl on POF (a first for that particular site) and it's gotten to a point where I should ask her out. But, what kind of date do I suggest? And where? She lives within driving distance, but not somewhere where I've ever driven to before. Do I suggest somewhere halfway between the two of us? Somewhere in the city (D.C. for those who would like to know)? If she lived 5-30 minutes away I'd easily be able to come up with at least a dozen date ideas, especially given the great weather we're supposed to have this weekend. But in this situation I just don't know. Anyone else have this problem?
Jazzari Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Maybe tell her you are unfamiliar with the area and ask her to choose a restaurant, park, event, etc? Or research online for something. Lots of good resources there.
zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Even with online dating, I try not to date anyone who lives too far from me (and certainly no one who doesn't come to my area of town regularly --- but I live in the downtown/central area where everything happens in my city). . . so I can see the issue. Personally, if someone was more than 30 minutes away, I couldn't start dating them, so my input may not help. At any rate, with your situation . . . . I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting something general and soliciting her for specific ideas, if you're going to her area. Depends on the type of gal/relationship you prefer. I do know some girls who want the fellow to just decide everything and plan it all out and such, but I prefer to feel "consulted" and do things as a team to a degree (certainly, I'm never offended if he has an idea, but I am also usually happy if he runs a few things past me and/or asks for my input to a degree----but I dislike it if he has NO ideas whatsoever and wants me to plan everything, so I have no issues with someone who doesn't plan everything either; it should be a sort of 'team effort'). But everyone has different views on that. What do you two have in common? What interests does she have? What interests do you have? I would find something along those lines. Going to her area is a good idea.
DollWelch Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I think the best course of action is for you to drive to her. Considering that this is the first date, it's almost always best to make it less of a hassle for you and your date. If the drive is too long, then you have to decide whether or not you want to pursue her. Otherwise, put in the effort and go see her. Women on first dates feel most comfortable in their own city. As for the venue, try going to a cozy, perhaps, less popular coffee-shop/restaurant. Keep it low key -and by low key, I mean, don't go all out ( -ie. fancy). Good luck!
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Even with online dating, I try not to date anyone who lives too far from me (and certainly no one who doesn't come to my area of town regularly --- but I live in the downtown/central area where everything happens in my city). . . so I can see the issue. Personally, if someone was more than 30 minutes away, I couldn't start dating them, so my input may not help. At any rate, with your situation . . . . I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting something general and soliciting her for specific ideas, if you're going to her area. Depends on the type of gal/relationship you prefer. I do know some girls who want the fellow to just decide everything and plan it all out and such, but I prefer to feel "consulted" and do things as a team to a degree (certainly, I'm never offended if he has an idea, but I am also usually happy if he runs a few things past me and/or asks for my input to a degree----but I dislike it if he has NO ideas whatsoever and wants me to plan everything, so I have no issues with someone who doesn't plan everything either; it should be a sort of 'team effort'). But everyone has different views on that. What do you two have in common? What interests does she have? What interests do you have? I would find something along those lines. Going to her area is a good idea. Before I started college this is exactly how I felt. Not just about dating but about socializing in general. But practically all of the friends I've made in the past few years live about 20-25 miles away from me, which in the area where I live is about an hour's drive. I'm not always the one driving to them, we often meet up at mid way points, and they drive out to see me too, but I've come to realize that your friends might not always live close by. I've figured out what to do, just not where to do it. I'm going to ask her what kinds of places they have near her, etc. which seems to be the consensus on here to do something near where she lives.
zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Before I started college this is exactly how I felt. Not just about dating but about socializing in general. But practically all of the friends I've made in the past few years live about 20-25 miles away from me, which in the area where I live is about an hour's drive. I'm not always the one driving to them, we often meet up at mid way points, and they drive out to see me too, but I've come to realize that your friends might not always live close by. I've figured out what to do, just not where to do it. I'm going to ask her what kinds of places they have near her, etc. which seems to be the consensus on here to do something near where she lives. Sounds like a good plan. Re: feelings on distance Probably depends on where you live. When I lived abroad, and there were fewer expats in my areas, I would travel to see my friends. I would travel into Seoul (I lived in a city-suburb of it) in Korea all the time, so having friends there was no issue. When I lived in Tokyo, I had friends from the country who would travel to see me. Fine with friends. Dating. . . eh, maybe if we already had a connection, but it's a lot harder for me to get to know someone if they're too far away to pop over, meet at my local watering holes, etc. And I guess there are just too many great people nearby. If you live in the suburbs, I imagine that's a different story. But my best friend here is having a birthday celebration this weekend. She lives almost an hour away. I'll drive to her place, of course! But I don't see her every week. I just couldn't with that commute. And I'd expect to see a partner 2-3 times a week, usually. But anyway, that's just me. I just don't think you can compare friends and relationships in this area. I used to date guys who lived farther away but just realized it wasn't for me -- especially where I am now, since I only really like city and the folks who'd choose to live in the subburbs just have a different worldview than I do.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Sounds like a good plan. Re: feelings on distance Probably depends on where you live. When I lived abroad, and there were fewer expats in my areas, I would travel to see my friends. I would travel into Seoul (I lived in a city-suburb of it) in Korea all the time, so having friends there was no issue. When I lived in Tokyo, I had friends from the country who would travel to see me. Fine with friends. Dating. . . eh, maybe if we already had a connection, but it's a lot harder for me to get to know someone if they're too far away to pop over, meet at my local watering holes, etc. And I guess there are just too many great people nearby. If you live in the suburbs, I imagine that's a different story. But my best friend here is having a birthday celebration this weekend. She lives almost an hour away. I'll drive to her place, of course! But I don't see her every week. I just couldn't with that commute. And I'd expect to see a partner 2-3 times a week, usually. But anyway, that's just me. I just don't think you can compare friends and relationships in this area. I used to date guys who lived farther away but just realized it wasn't for me -- especially where I am now, since I only really like city and the folks who'd choose to live in the subburbs just have a different worldview than I do. I think sometimes suburban folks are in a different life stage as well. I live in the suburbs because I live with my parents while I finish school and look for full time employment. When I do get to a point where I'm ready to get my own place I would like to live much closer to the city, but not in the city (even though I'm not that political, moving to a place where your vote technically doesn't count is not something I'd like to do). But, if I were to be getting ready to get married and have kids I probably would want to live out in the 'burbs. I too feel that distances for dating is a little different, but the reality for me is that either I travel a bit of distance to date or my prospects will be quite limited until I get my own place. Being an already inexperienced 23 year old, I think waiting to date might do more harm than traveling would. Of course I could be wrong, only time will tell.
zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I think sometimes suburban folks are in a different life stage as well. I live in the suburbs because I live with my parents while I finish school and look for full time employment. When I do get to a point where I'm ready to get my own place I would like to live much closer to the city, but not in the city (even though I'm not that political, moving to a place where your vote technically doesn't count is not something I'd like to do). But, if I were to be getting ready to get married and have kids I probably would want to live out in the 'burbs. I too feel that distances for dating is a little different, but the reality for me is that either I travel a bit of distance to date or my prospects will be quite limited until I get my own place. Being an already inexperienced 23 year old, I think waiting to date might do more harm than traveling would. Of course I could be wrong, only time will tell. Where I live, people get married and have kids in the city too. Quite commonly. It's a Southern city, so not SUPER urban even whre I live. Though I wouldn't mind moving out to the 'burbs as a family, later on, if it were agreed upon. Most people I know who live in the 'burbs live there because there are great "deals" on houses in the past few years there (my exBF is the same). I think there's something . . . off-putting about buying a house before finding a partner. I don't know how to express it, but it was an issue with my ex and I and with other guys as well. It seems like it closes so many doors, so you cannot build a life together anymore. I guess, at my stage, I'm looking to get married (and someday have kids) but I don't want to be fully settled when I get married, or, maybe ever. Settled with the person? Absolutely. Settled in one place? Not so much. Everyone I know who lives in the subburbs in my circle is the type who's pretty settled in their homes and the places they live. My ex claimed he wasn't like that, but I think he was; then, you get guys who seem to be accessorizing their lives with a partner, rather than building one with her. Anyway, not applicable, but since you brought it up. Have a good date!
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