Day 6...NC....

[MLC64]

NC = no new hurts.

 

This is true, but the "old" ones are still there. I have had some time to evaluate this A and what it has done to me. I have neglected so much and for that I feel worse now that there is a bit of preverbial space ....6 days.

 

To me, no new hurts means:

-no more hurtful comments on how demanding/stressful I was (when I would make a comment on his behavior) ha

-no more lies from him

-no more searching for him on all the dating sites he is on

-no more cancelling of plans

-no more flip/flop and the push/pull behavior that drove me insane

-no more wondering when he will txt/email

-no more wondering when will I see him again

-no more wondering when will this end b/c it is so toxic and unhealthy

 

There are so many more but tears are coming and I have to get ready for work....am just thinking how this sucks. I miss him and am mad as hell he hasn't contacted me and I know that is best. It just is but dam it hurts. I am missing the plans we had for the spring/summer...but will do these things without him.

 

I hope the best for all those going NC....hugs to all.

Edited April 14, 2011 by MLC64

[so-wrong]

Hugs to you. I too am hurting & struggling with NC. I'm 3 weeks NC tomorrow but am still torturing myself day & night, trying to come to terms with the mess caused. I cope by thinking that this point had to come & the pain was inevitable so we might as well deal with it now, rather than later. Good luck & stay strong.

[MLC64]

thanks SW.....I wish you the best too. 3 weeks is huge! I can't imagine....just fricking bothers me that he hasn't sent a message. Often after two days he would txt..."I hope you are ok"....like a sympathy card. gag me...

Just when I wrote that..."sent a message".......it made me realize he is sending me a message. One that I sent him and made loud and clear.....to go away. Now even though I meant it, I partly regret it b/c I miss him but know it is for the best. Does that make sense? I don't think I make any sense anymore b/c i lack common sense, obviously. duh

I really think it is the addiction part of the RL that is so hard to move away from, the txs, the emails, the feel goods, the constant contact. For me, I am sure that is what I am struggling with as the rest of it mostly just hurt and was frustrating, who in their right mind would miss all that crap? Seriously?

[so-wrong]

Wow! I totally identify with what you're saying about the addictive nature of As. I miss him too for the same reasons you describe, that feeling of being loved (lol!) & the constant attention & care.

 

I am still struggling not to break NC but like you feel that I can't bear anymore hurt (for now definitely). I don't expect MM to break his NC as he is doing his best to win back his BS (30 years together & she can't understand what he's done to her).

 

Keep posting, I think this forum is fantastic for pouring out feelings to people that don't know us & it is also super helpful to read about other's experiences.

 

Hugs again.

[Amour7]

I needed a reminder about NC as a gift. Thank you.

 

Day 8 NC and I have been all over the place in the last week. Yesterday and today, I am feeling emotionally blunted, flat, despondent, etc. I feel like he is slipping away and I have not accepted the loss. Feeling rejected, too, even though I said I needed to end it. I feel like his keeping NC proves he is easily getting over me.

 

Sigh... This is so hard. No new hurt but the pain keeps surfacing in new ways, in unhelpful thoughts, in physical cravings, in fatigue, to name a few.

 

 

 

 

 

Consider his silence a gift to you. When I was with xMM and I'd made the decision to end it, I explained to him that I truly needed time and space to heal from this. We have professional ties, so we can really do LC at best for the long haul, but for quite a while he respected NC. And he did it for me.

 

When we break NC (either AP) it is for our own selfish reasons. Honoring NC is like a gift. We often think it's because they don't think of us or care, but I don't think that's true many times. They have to have an idea that it's painful for us (mine knew as we'd discussed it, esp at the end), so letting us go, at our request, is showing respect for us.

 

I know it's hard and it hurts. Just keep re-reading your list of the hurts you don't have to worry about anymore and be thankful that he's not trying to contact you. You're doing great

[KineticsEng]

I can also relate to all of the comments here. Im on day 6 or so also. Although I really miss xMW and the times we had... I feel worse about what the pain our relationship is causing her and and BS now. I cant imagine how hard it is for her. I know she misses me as much as I do her. But she also has to fight to keep her family together on top of it all. I feel good knowing that at least we got to see goodbye and wish each other well. Even though its so early in our NC, I can already feel the fog lifting. I can see clear enough to start working on my own marriage in earnest. Maybe its time for it to end.. maybe not. But I can finally see well enough to know that it needs to be sorted out. I cant put my self or anyone else though the pain of the an A again. We can do this.

[jeweleestar]

Consider his silence a gift to you. When I was with xMM and I'd made the decision to end it, I explained to him that I truly needed time and space to heal from this. We have professional ties, so we can really do LC at best for the long haul, but for quite a while he respected NC. And he did it for me.

 

When we break NC (either AP) it is for our own selfish reasons. Honoring NC is like a gift. We often think it's because they don't think of us or care, but I don't think that's true many times. They have to have an idea that it's painful for us (mine knew as we'd discussed it, esp at the end), so letting us go, at our request, is showing respect for us.

 

I know it's hard and it hurts. Just keep re-reading your list of the hurts you don't have to worry about anymore and be thankful that he's not trying to contact you. You're doing great

 

 

I love this line, but I really feel that it is one of those gifts that you don't realize how great it is until much later. So many of us just want to hear from that person, more as a validation than anything else I suppose. Great reminders of what we need to do to make it through these horrible feelings.

[datura_noir]

As I read this post, I am really struck with the similarities between the BS and the AP. Betrayal is betrayal no matter how it comes about.

 

I don't know why your post has triggered this in me where none other has before; perhaps it is the timeline of my healing that has to do with it.

 

I really hope you can gain some insightful perspective from this whole experience; but being that it is so emotional, I know it is hard. And I do hope that you can see yourself in the position of the BS, as I did (and still am) of the OW.

 

Time and experience do make you a better person, and I know that I am one person that can make it through this life with integrity and a bit of influence on the people around me.

[Flabbergaster]

Ladies, stay strong. Resist the urge to make contact. If you make contact, it will not be fulfilling. It will not be 'back to magic time.'

 

Yes, it's a gift. If it helps to know, it might be painful for him to give you this gift. It has been killing me to be NC...it would hurt her more if I contacted her.

 

A friend that I'm advising...her MM won't give her two days of silence, when she declares NC. Second day, he's calling her until she picks up. She's worse off than you are, trust me (or ask Amour, who went through several aborted NC attempts - hugs out to you, hang in there).

 

 

In NC, we forget HOW BAD it hurt to be in LC, how bad we hurt when we were in the A. Keep thinking back to those painful moments.

 

Me, i'm about to hit 8 weeks. It still hurts...a lot...it is SO MUCH easier than it was earlier. KEEP GOING it gets easier.

 

MLC...I can tell you that at day 8 or so I suddenly felt so much better. You're doing great, focus on all the things that you don't have to deal with. Focus on all the TIME you just found for stuff. My god, I actually have time to prep and try to get into night grad school! THAT wasn't an option during the A! Just be careful, after it gets better you start getting 'short term' bursts of pain. Out of nowhere, they'll last hours to a day. With those, day 8+ is still much better than day 4 or so.

 

Sowrong - you are doing great. yes, it is either "this pain now" or "even worse pain later." Stay the course. Consensus seems to be that it gets easier again after four weeks, so make it one more week.

 

Kinetics - was in your shoes. No more big changes for right now, ok? This is the worst time to end an M; you don't know what you really want, so don't go out into the cold by yourself just yet. Start being back in your M a little bit. Week 2, start looking for ways to not be 'disgusted' by her, simply because she isn't xMW. Start giving her a chance. You haven't been "in" the M for some time, try it back on before you end it. Also: day 8 or so is going to taste wonderful, so keep going.

 

sad - if it helps...from what you've described, I'll bet it hurt him to do NC. Glad that he was willing to do that for you.

 

Datura - love your post. Love all the posts I've seen by you, actually. Yeah...in NC I would find myself...feeling betrayed because she left me here in the dark w/o her.

[so-wrong]

Ladies, stay strong. Resist the urge to make contact. If you make contact, it will not be fulfilling. It will not be 'back to magic time.'

 

Yes, it's a gift. If it helps to know, it might be painful for him to give you this gift. It has been killing me to be NC...it would hurt her more if I contacted her.

 

A friend that I'm advising...her MM won't give her two days of silence, when she declares NC. Second day, he's calling her until she picks up. She's worse off than you are, trust me (or ask Amour, who went through several aborted NC attempts - hugs out to you, hang in there).

 

 

In NC, we forget HOW BAD it hurt to be in LC, how bad we hurt when we were in the A. Keep thinking back to those painful moments.

 

Me, i'm about to hit 8 weeks. It still hurts...a lot...it is SO MUCH easier than it was earlier. KEEP GOING it gets easier.

 

MLC...I can tell you that at day 8 or so I suddenly felt so much better. You're doing great, focus on all the things that you don't have to deal with. Focus on all the TIME you just found for stuff. My god, I actually have time to prep and try to get into night grad school! THAT wasn't an option during the A! Just be careful, after it gets better you start getting 'short term' bursts of pain. Out of nowhere, they'll last hours to a day. With those, day 8+ is still much better than day 4 or so.

 

Sowrong - you are doing great. yes, it is either "this pain now" or "even worse pain later." Stay the course. Consensus seems to be that it gets easier again after four weeks, so make it one more week.

 

Kinetics - was in your shoes. No more big changes for right now, ok? This is the worst time to end an M; you don't know what you really want, so don't go out into the cold by yourself just yet. Start being back in your M a little bit. Week 2, start looking for ways to not be 'disgusted' by her, simply because she isn't xMW. Start giving her a chance. You haven't been "in" the M for some time, try it back on before you end it. Also: day 8 or so is going to taste wonderful, so keep going.

 

sad - if it helps...from what you've described, I'll bet it hurt him to do NC. Glad that he was willing to do that for you.

 

Datura - love your post. Love all the posts I've seen by you, actually. Yeah...in NC I would find myself...feeling betrayed because she left me here in the dark w/o her.

 

I really love your posts Flabbergaster, they are so insightful & kind. Thanks so much for the posts you have aimed at me, they really ring true with me. I will stick with NC & will download the time app.

[MLC64]

Day 7 has arrived....I never thought it was possible. I sit here typing this, so hurt and empty because he hasn't contacted me. I know I ended, I wanted out and I also know I sound like a broken record here, but why does it hurt so bad. I have read so much, I am trying to realize "why" I allowed this? I know why I met him and how that happened, but why can't I accept this? The rejection I feel b/c he isn't contacting me.....hurts so damned bad. I can't imagine he isn't thinking about our RL, I know him, I know he cared. I do appreciate the post so much from Jeweleester suggesting we consider the silence a "gift". That put a whole different perspective. I want to write an email so bad....I want to ask him if he is thinking of me as I am him. I want to....I have gone to my email several times but came here. I have a funeral today (a childhood friend)...and my DD birthday and tonight I start my motorcycle course so today I am more than busy.....but wished I could get HIM out of my head. I miss him so bad, the sun is FINALLY shining here, something we haven't seen a lot of lately. It makes me happy, the sun, but makes me miss him more. We shared all those things......this is the ****tiest feeling, I hate it. It hurts. I am going to write an email and not send....for now. I know if I send it and he doesn't reply I will feel worse......then I will be back to new hurts. Gawd..........

I look at my H and I know more than ever I am going to have to deal with that ending, it is a M of convenience. I love him and care for him but need to deal with that eventually.

thanks again for all the replies, they help more than you will ever know. Can someone tell me how to send a PM now I have 50 posts? I tried but can't seem to get anywhere...

[so-wrong]

I think someone mentioned that you have to have been a member for a certain period, possibly 3 mths before you can PM, I'm sure someone else will confirm for sure.

 

Do you not have enough between you & your H to make it work? Sorry if you've said before, but does he know about your A? If so, how is he coping now?

 

I really do understand what you're saying about wanting to email but it really will put you back at square 1 & the pain you've experienced so far will all have been in vain.

 

Don't send it, stay strong!

[AlaFlower]

MLC, wow, good job - you made it through 8 days! Stay busy!!! it helps SOOOO much. I think I failed partly because I got extra day off all to myself. Yikes. Never again. Now, even though I'm not in NC as of this moment, I am busy at work and looks like it's turning into seven days a week commitment. I'm sure it will help me to limit any possible communication before I go NC again (final this time)

 

Get some friends to hang out with, co-workers, neighbors, whoever is available - just stay busy, so you won't fail like I did.

[AlaFlower]

Also, I found it helpful too when I, too, wrote emails to him just to cool myself down but never sent any of them. It seemed to help. I don't know if I have a right to say any of these since I failed NC, but I did find all these little things helpful.

 

It's hard to fill the void, that's a whole problem of failing. So stay busy. Talk to everyone you know, it will at least keep you occupied

[fooled once]

NC = no new hurts.

 

This is true, but the "old" ones are still there. I have had some time to evaluate this A and what it has done to me. I have neglected so much and for that I feel worse now that there is a bit of preverbial space ....6 days.

 

To me, no new hurts means:

-no more hurtful comments on how demanding/stressful I was (when I would make a comment on his behavior) ha

-no more lies from him

-no more searching for him on all the dating sites he is on

-no more cancelling of plans

-no more flip/flop and the push/pull behavior that drove me insane

-no more wondering when he will txt/email

-no more wondering when will I see him again

-no more wondering when will this end b/c it is so toxic and unhealthy

 

There are so many more but tears are coming and I have to get ready for work....am just thinking how this sucks. I miss him and am mad as hell he hasn't contacted me and I know that is best. It just is but dam it hurts. I am missing the plans we had for the spring/summer...but will do these things without him.

 

I hope the best for all those going NC....hugs to all.

 

 

Hang in there. I will get better...one hour at a time; one day at a time.

[Amour7]

Day 7 has arrived....I never thought it was possible.

Congratulations! I know how hard this is, so hopefully you feel proud of yourself and know you can be stronger than you thought.

 

Can someone tell me how to send a PM now I have 50 posts? I tried but can't seem to get anywhere...

You should qualify for PM after 50 posts and one month. I didn't get mine immediately so I clicked on "contact us" at the bottom of the page and wrote that I thought I had met criteria for PM. I then had access to PM a few hours later. You can access them in your control panel.

 

I am going out with friends tonight and will privately be toasting my accomplishment of 11 days NC. I hope you can celebrate your "win", too

[rainier]

You deserve to be happy. We all do. Your feelings are real but the situation is not. Imagine yourself living with this man and how all your other relationships would change. I am still at the point when I sometimes don't care as long as I was with him, but then realize I am that person to so many in my life who ruined so many. Just keep trying to talk yourself with the positive voice and ride through the lows here with us. We are here for you

[MLC64]

7 Days....was a new record....now have a new one to break. One day......I will get it. I attended a funeral yesterday, had a saved txt that said a few short words and following the funeral I pulled over and hit send. An immediate response was kind, expressing similar feelings; nothing on either end about continuing or starting over. Wasn't the purpose or intent, I just had to let him know I didn't hate him. I do know "it doesn't matter what he thinks" but that is something I wanted him to know. I don't like that I broke NC but somehow I feel more at peace because the pain was so intense. Dusting off, starting anew. ......again. Yes, we all do deserve to be happy. My feelings are so raw, I feel such intense grief and loss over this and trust me when I say I have been through such incredible loss that this seems ridiculous. Seriously...I tried to pm several people but it wouldn't let me, not blaming anyone but myself but I am still weak. That is what I know and feel what happened. I just wish we could be friends but I read and understand why that isn't possible, it just isn't.

[fooled once]

7 Days....was a new record....now have a new one to break. One day......I will get it. I attended a funeral yesterday, had a saved txt that said a few short words and following the funeral I pulled over and hit send. An immediate response was kind, expressing similar feelings; nothing on either end about continuing or starting over. Wasn't the purpose or intent, I just had to let him know I didn't hate him. I do know "it doesn't matter what he thinks" but that is something I wanted him to know. I don't like that I broke NC but somehow I feel more at peace because the pain was so intense. Dusting off, starting anew. ......again. Yes, we all do deserve to be happy. My feelings are so raw, I feel such intense grief and loss over this and trust me when I say I have been through such incredible loss that this seems ridiculous. Seriously...I tried to pm several people but it wouldn't let me, not blaming anyone but myself but I am still weak. That is what I know and feel what happened. I just wish we could be friends but I read and understand why that isn't possible, it just isn't.

 

New day.

 

Now, no more 'excuses' for contacting him You said what you wanted to say. Let that be the end of it.

 

One day at a time. Stay focused. You WILL get through all this.

[Flabbergaster]

seven days is a great start. From what you describe...I dont' think this should be called a setback. You said something you felt was important to convey, he responded with similar. It sounds like you both got some closure from that errant sms. That's a good thing. Not all of us get positive closure. My advice would be 'stop contact while you're ahead' because that' s a very sweet note to end on.

The next seven days will be easier, now.

Hmm, maybe erase all the drafts, definitely erase his contact info from phone, so you don't do that again. Practice PM today, so you know how to do it when you really need to.

Now...start aiming for day 8. It will be easier this time.

 

And consider that what you got off your chest and how he responded...let's consider THOSE the parting words, let's not try to send any more last messages.

[AlaFlower]

7 Days....was a new record....now have a new one to break. One day......I will get it. I attended a funeral yesterday, had a saved txt that said a few short words and following the funeral I pulled over and hit send. An immediate response was kind, expressing similar feelings; nothing on either end about continuing or starting over. Wasn't the purpose or intent, I just had to let him know I didn't hate him. I do know "it doesn't matter what he thinks" but that is something I wanted him to know. I don't like that I broke NC but somehow I feel more at peace because the pain was so intense. Dusting off, starting anew. ......again. Yes, we all do deserve to be happy. My feelings are so raw, I feel such intense grief and loss over this and trust me when I say I have been through such incredible loss that this seems ridiculous. Seriously...I tried to pm several people but it wouldn't let me, not blaming anyone but myself but I am still weak. That is what I know and feel what happened. I just wish we could be friends but I read and understand why that isn't possible, it just isn't.

 

Oh no.. On a positive side - it put you at peace, which is good enough for right now and might help to keep your sanity for a while. Let's start all over. I'm still getting ready for this step again. We can do it. But seriously, one simple message clears the mind deeply, doesn't it?

((hugs))

[so-wrong]

7 Days....was a new record....now have a new one to break. One day......I will get it. I attended a funeral yesterday, had a saved txt that said a few short words and following the funeral I pulled over and hit send. An immediate response was kind, expressing similar feelings; nothing on either end about continuing or starting over. Wasn't the purpose or intent, I just had to let him know I didn't hate him. I do know "it doesn't matter what he thinks" but that is something I wanted him to know. I don't like that I broke NC but somehow I feel more at peace because the pain was so intense. Dusting off, starting anew. ......again. Yes, we all do deserve to be happy. My feelings are so raw, I feel such intense grief and loss over this and trust me when I say I have been through such incredible loss that this seems ridiculous. Seriously...I tried to pm several people but it wouldn't let me, not blaming anyone but myself but I am still weak. That is what I know and feel what happened. I just wish we could be friends but I read and understand why that isn't possible, it just isn't.

 

I totally understand why you broke NC, BUT the difficulty now for you is in not doing it again & again because having been there myself, we get a feel-good feeling from txting & having them get back to us. For me it was like medicine that really healed me, problem being that it didn't last long before I felt the need to say something else.... That's what you need to avoid at all costs. Otherwise you will be back in the A before you know it. Part of you may even welcome the thought (I'm feeling particularly vulnerable myself at the moment), but it's just a road to more anguish. Please take care.

[rainier]

It certainly is a process. I am in the beginning stages and the first week of nc I started to feel relieved to be just sad and not all over the place. Then you get that overwhelming need to contact them and it all goes away. There are many many here who have done it and most not on the first try so I hope that give you hope. I try and remember that when I feel so low. I was happy before all this and will be again ... tell yourself over and over!

[MLC64]

First of all, thanks to all..

I have to say that it was a good feeling to be able to express how i feel on Friday....but it has set me back worse because it makes the unrealistic part of me think we can continue (and of course things he said...blah blah blah), which is delusional. I totally agree that it isn't necessary to contact him anymore. He would love having me on a string....but I am worth more than that. I already feel like crap again, worse than I did. There was something to be said about how proud I was for maintaining NC for those short 7 days...although as you all know from my struggles, it was frigging brutal, but I did accomplish it. I swear the lining of my stomach is ruined from worry and grief. I am sitting here wanting to be in touch with him as he just txtd, but I am heading to the gym. I will not reply. am going to run then swim and steam some of this nonense out of me!!! Then I will work till 8:30 tonight and go to hot yoga afterwards (to sweat more nonsense out) so tonight I will fall into bed without a spare second to think of him. I loved the thread on NC that FG posted for Rooke....I have saved it and will read it about ten times a day until I get this. Tears are close so I am off....

 

Day 1, 7, 8, 9, 10 ......30......60......I can do it.

Edited April 19, 2011 by MLC64
to say thanks

[rainier]

Just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing? Are you staying strong with NC? I know he is trying to get you back so do not beat yourself up. I hope you are doing ok.