so-wrong Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us.
tinktronik Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us. Maybe that's how he really feels. 1
Author so-wrong Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Maybe that's how he really feels. Maybe, but just seems like a total cop-out to me. And it certainly wasn't how he acted at the time. He was happy enough then.
tinktronik Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Maybe, but just seems like a total cop-out to me. And it certainly wasn't how he acted at the time. He was happy enough then. Well, it's apparently not how he feels now. He can change his mind if he wants. Why are you still in contact to know what he's saying or not? It clearly bothers you that he feels this way.
Author so-wrong Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Well, it's apparently not how he feels now. He can change his mind if he wants. Why are you still in contact to know what he's saying or not? It clearly bothers you that he feels this way. I'm not, though I can see it would read like I am. It's just that it's not the first time I've come across these types of comment (from reading numerous threads on LS) & I was just interested as to why MM feel the need to deny their emotions as soon as D Day occurs? They also seem to find it easier to do this than the AP, guess it must be a difference between men & women. I just wish I could move on so easily, but I'm finding coming to terms with it all so hard on so many levels. My relationship with my BH is critical & neither of us is coping well. Fortunately our children are oblivious as they are only 3 & 4 & we aren't arguing in front of them. MC hasn't helped & we've been to a few sessions. I just hope we can muddle through til things hopefully get easier, for the children's sakes if not for our own.
tinktronik Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I'm not, though I can see it would read like I am. It's just that it's not the first time I've come across these types of comment (from reading numerous threads on LS) & I was just interested as to why MM feel the need to deny their emotions as soon as D Day occurs? They also seem to find it easier to do this than the AP, guess it must be a difference between men & women. I just wish I could move on so easily, but I'm finding coming to terms with it all so hard on so many levels. My relationship with my BH is critical & neither of us is coping well. Fortunately our children are oblivious as they are only 3 & 4 & we aren't arguing in front of them. MC hasn't helped & we've been to a few sessions. I just hope we can muddle through til things hopefully get easier, for the children's sakes if not for our own. I would imagine your answer lies in the fantasy of adultery. While in the affair they are able to paste on what they wish to feel; in love, exhaulted, ect. But facing the reality of their real lives those feeling just don't measure up and fit into reality. The cost is too much.
Heart On Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us. They can do no less than this as this is exactly how they rationalized betraying thier wife in the first place to be with us. They do refuse to be self accountable for what happened and it's called back peddling to save themselves.Period. Well, it's apparently not how he feels now. He can change his mind if he wants. Or better yet,he can not start things he has no intention of following thru with so he doesn't hurt people needlessly because he has commitment issues.Apparently,playing women for fools is within a man's right and all that is said is that "he can change his mind if he wants to.":mad: I wonder how big that would go over with the wife to know that he changed his mind about honoring his vows. It is "rubbish" and in the end,be thankful that he went home because he is as duplicitous as it get's. Maybe he should ask his d*ck if it could possibly stay loyal to anyone but itself? At least then he has something to blame other than himself for being a prick.
tinktronik Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) They can do no less than this as this is exactly how they rationalized betraying thier wife in the first place to be with us. They do refuse to be self accountable for what happened and it's called back peddling to save themselves.Period. Or better yet,he can not start things he has no intention of following thru with so he doesn't hurt people needlessly because he has commitment issues.Apparently,playing women for fools is within a man's right and all that is said is that "he can change his mind if he wants to.":mad: I didn't say it was right. I said he can change his mind if he wants to. That's apparently what he's done. Really, what do you expect? You have a man who could not settle on one woman in the first place, he has to have two or three or maybe a whole rack of them. But then again it's not like the OW didn't know the man she was involved with was at least wishy-washy in his choices and feelings, that was part of the whole basis of their relationship. That this was a man who made commitments and then broke them, secretly, sneakily, behind his family's back, while telling lies. That's what he was capable of. It should be no real surprise that he changes his mind to suit his color of the day. The OP needs to spend this time figuring out why she was party to this. Why she engaged in it and why she made herself party to it. There is a constant line of OW angry that the man she involved herself with in some shady, lying scenario isn't any more truthful with her than he is with anyone else. The belief that he would be so defies logic completely. So what is it that the OW is getting out of her belief? I would imagine her feelings are hurt, she feels played for a fool and her ego is bruised. That makes sense. Time to heal that up so that she can focus on her own marriage or whatever she chooses to do. Edited April 14, 2011 by tinktronik
TigerCub Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us. hehe, I totally see what you're saying...but... After cutting of my xMM - I am still processing everything, and there was the question of "WTF did I do? That's NOT like me at all?" Now, that never ever took away from my ownership of what I had done, and my part in the whole A - but it was true to me (the realization that this is not like me at all) I understand that you see it as a cop out and maybe in this guy's case it is. The thing though that I've come to realize is this: The process it took for me to be completely out of the fog took a long time. I was a single girl at the time I was involved with xMM and it took a LONG time to get out and finally see everything for what it was. And that "wtf did I do?" realization is the clearest when out of the fog. (for me it was anyways) Maybe for a lot of MMs when their BWs find out and there are serious threats and risks of them losing that life with their BW - maybe that smacks them in the face and clears the fog in that instance. The fear of losing what they took for granted, the shame of getting caught (at least), all that, maybe that has an instantaneous affect on them and clears the fog. ...or maybe he's just full of s**t and just doesn't want to own anything he's done. but I do honestly think (now) that people do come out of the fog at different rates depending on what they stand to lose. I could be wrong though.
jthorne Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us.Why are you surprised? He's doing the same thing to you at the end of the affair that he did to his wife by having the affair.
ladydesigner Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I didn't say it was right. I said he can change his mind if he wants to. That's apparently what he's done. Really, what do you expect? You have a man who could not settle on one woman in the first place, he has to have two or three or maybe a whole rack of them. But then again it's not like the OW didn't know the man she was involved with was at least wishy-washy in his choices and feelings, that was part of the whole basis of their relationship. That this was a man who made commitments and then broke them, secretly, sneakily, behind his family's back, while telling lies. That's what he was capable of. It should be no real surprise that he changes his mind to suit his color of the day. The OP needs to spend this time figuring out why she was party to this. Why she engaged in it and why she made herself party to it. There is a constant line of OW angry that the man she involved herself with in some shady, lying scenario isn't any more truthful with her than he is with anyone else. The belief that he would be so defies logic completely. So what is it that the OW is getting out of her belief? I would imagine her feelings are hurt, she feels played for a fool and her ego is bruised. That makes sense. Time to heal that up so that she can focus on her own marriage or whatever she chooses to do. True to the bolded. It wasn't until I completely wrapped my head around this concept that I undestood my XAPs actions. Even my own feelings upon entering the A were not to get heavily involved, yet both myself and my A partner did. I agree that a person can feel different later. I look back now and can't believe that I ever contemplated having and A with my XOM. It was a FANTASY, at least in my situation it was. My XAP ended the A, I felt hurt, rejected, and ego bruised. I was just as much to blame as he was for the situation we were both in. It didn't matter who ended it, both of us were at fault and both of us had a BS that we were betraying, both of us were liars. The bolded statement hurts when you are fresh out of an A because no one wants to feel discarded. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. What matters is YOU the OP and taking care of yourself and figuring out what led you down this path. Start to heal. It doesn't matter what our AP's think of us, it matters what YOU think.
bentnotbroken Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 They can do no less than this as this is exactly how they rationalized betraying thier wife in the first place to be with us. They do refuse to be self accountable for what happened and it's called back peddling to save themselves.Period. Or better yet,he can not start things he has no intention of following thru with so he doesn't hurt people needlessly because he has commitment issues.Apparently,playing women for fools is within a man's right and all that is said is that "he can change his mind if he wants to.":mad: I wonder how big that would go over with the wife to know that he changed his mind about honoring his vows. It is "rubbish" and in the end,be thankful that he went home because he is as duplicitous as it get's. Maybe he should ask his d*ck if it could possibly stay loyal to anyone but itself? At least then he has something to blame other than himself for being a prick. This is no more specific to men than to women who cheat on their spouses. They do have the right to change their minds. Just as they had the right to cheat. Doesn't make it an acceptable answer, but it is what it is. I find it amusing(not so much) that one feels a MP hurts the AP needlessly. It is okay to hurt the BS as long as it suits the partners of the affair, but when the dynamics change.....then
Jessica232 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us. I'm sorry he said things to hurt you. I sometimes think men are just absolutely dumb, and don't think about their comments ahead of time. He probably didn't realize he was demeaning the relationship you had while trying to excuse his behavior. Just be glad you are free of him! ((hugs))
Bionic Me Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Sorry to TJ but I could just think of Shaggy's song "Wasn't me" when I read the title. That's foul... People have issues though and some live in another sphere and refuse to own their actions. Be glad that he is out of your life and that you didn't waste more time on this "Charmer". Now, you can just learn from this experience and move forward. Odds are that the way that someone acts towards one person, may be the way that they will act towards you one day.
fooled once Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 True to the bolded. It wasn't until I completely wrapped my head around this concept that I undestood my XAPs actions. Even my own feelings upon entering the A were not to get heavily involved, yet both myself and my A partner did. I agree that a person can feel different later. I look back now and can't believe that I ever contemplated having and A with my XOM. It was a FANTASY, at least in my situation it was. My XAP ended the A, I felt hurt, rejected, and ego bruised. I was just as much to blame as he was for the situation we were both in. It didn't matter who ended it, both of us were at fault and both of us had a BS that we were betraying, both of us were liars. The bolded statement hurts when you are fresh out of an A because no one wants to feel discarded. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. What matters is YOU the OP and taking care of yourself and figuring out what led you down this path. Start to heal. It doesn't matter what our AP's think of us, it matters what YOU think. Hey LD! How are you doing? I have to say, I completely agree with you. I am also so amazed and happy at how far you have come through it all! Kinda like my kid all grown up and I am the proud parent :laugh:
Flabbergaster Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 After the end of my A, my MM has repeated again & again statements such as: "I don't know what happened to me", "it wasn't me, I wasn't myself" & "I thought I loved you". It's like he is just refusing to take any ownership for what happened & it's really infuriating & pathetic. Just hope his BW isn't taken in too easily by such rubbish. Why & how do these men excuse their actions so damned easily? It just belittles how things really were between us. Know how to beat a lie detector? It's simple...make yourself believe the lies that you are telling. I think some men do this to convince themselves that they are REALLY happy to be staying with BS. They don't want to say "it was wonderful and i will die missing you" because that doesn't let them change back to BS without pain. I think that some women probably do this as well. Most of this sounds like him saying that he was the problem, maybe this is his idea of how to let you off easy. He's not saying "you aren't as good as my wife for these reasons," he's saying "i'm not someone who would do this, so we need to end this and that's the reason." To a man...this can seem like a better way to end an A than saying "the M is more valuable to me than the A, sorry." The "i thought i loved you," that one is bull. I would like to apologize on behalf of men for that one; a man doesn't realize what an awful thing that is to say. He probably thought that line would comfort you.
Heart On Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 This is no more specific to men than to women who cheat on their spouses. They do have the right to change their minds. Just as they had the right to cheat. Doesn't make it an acceptable answer, but it is what it is. I find it amusing(not so much) that one feels a MP hurts the AP needlessly. It is okay to hurt the BS as long as it suits the partners of the affair, but when the dynamics change.....then My point is that they don't "change thier minds" they actually never have any intention of following thru so they betrayed both women's love and trust for nothing but sex and that is reprehensible on the part of the person who lied to both women to get what he wanted. But you can blame the OW for trusting a liar if you want to. Does the BS get blamed for trusting her husband too then? Let alone taking him back if she is lucky enough to find out? Oh wait,she rarely even finds out about her cheating H's affair so his "change of mind" doesn't even effect her,only the OW. Listen,these men are masters of deception and they feel entitled to having thier cake and eating it too and they use pity ploys to hook in and string along women and when push comes to shove, they run home and hide behind thier BS.(that's bull**** and betrayed spouse) and scapegoat the OW for knowing they were a liar in the first place. Nice racket! Just out of curiosity,what is your position in all this? Where you a betrayed spouse?A cheating MM? Or an OM? I'd love to know where your perspecitve comes from besides the bible that I don't believe in. www.godisimaginary.com
Bionic Me Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My point is that they don't "change thier minds" they actually never have any intention of following thru so they betrayed both women's love and trust for nothing but sex and that is reprehensible on the part of the person who lied to both women to get what he wanted. But you can blame the OW for trusting a liar if you want to. Does the BS get blamed for trusting her husband too then? Yes, they do and they get called all sorts of things for doing some. Let alone taking him back if she is lucky enough to find out? Yes. She/he is called a pathetic loser with no self-respect blah,blah,blah... if they take a cheating spouse back. Oh wait, I forgot. Fat, unattractive, abusive, manipulator, horrible hag biotch. Oh wait,she rarely even finds out about her cheating H's affair so his "change of mind" doesn't even effect her,only the OW. Listen,these men are masters of deception and they feel entitled to having thier cake and eating it too and they use pity ploys to hook in and string along women and when push comes to shove, they run home and hide behind thier BS.(that's bull**** and betrayed spouse) and scapegoat the OW for knowing they were a liar in the first place. Nice racket! Just out of curiosity,what is your position in all this? Where you a betrayed spouse?A cheating MM? Or an OM? I'd love to know where your perspecitve comes from besides the bible that I don't believe in. www.godisimaginary.com What's with all the cattiness??? It's Friday, have a drink and try getting to know old school LS'ers before jumping down their throat. Or maybe you already know them all too well? Besides, aren't you participating in the same "BS" that you are accusing BNB yet just proved her point, the irony... You are forcing your view on God, down on others that don't share the same.
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