Boyfriend cheated with ex

[Sam8273]

This situation is complicated to explain...My boyfriend of 4 and a half years went on holiday for 3 weeks about a month ago. He used to live in the place that he visited as his father still lives there. He has an ex that he was with 10 years ago that also has family there. They still keep in contact via facebook, although their relationship was far from healthy and involved lots of cheating.

 

Anyway, to try to shorten as much as poss, I noticed on her facebook that she was going to visit her family during the time my bf was there. Naturally, the situation worried me but I kept telling myself to trust him. He has never done anything before to make me think he would do anything. So I asked him when he got back if he had seen her and he said no. Except, something didn't feel right. So after a few days, I looked at his email and they had exchanged emails to say how much they enjoyed seeing each other, with her saying how much she loves him.

 

I confronted him and he admitted they'd hung out, but that she was a mess and an alcoholic and that he only saw her a couple of days because they had nothing in common.

 

Unfortunately, I still didn't buy it and things have been tense. So, five weeks later after making up story after story, he admitted the truth. He slept with her. Once, apparently and didn't see her after that. But then, he did email her when he got back.

 

He says it was a mistake and he knew when he did it he'd lost me and that's why he didn't tell me. He says he did it because she'd cheated on him all through their previous relationship and he had a chance to use her like she'd used him.

 

I am so confused - I have been with him for nearly 5 years and he's so wrapped up in the past (10 years ago!) that he would throw our relationship away to get one up on somebody? Or did he really just do it because it was offered to him and he's so selfish that he took what he wanted at that moment. I just can't believe that I have committed so much of my time to somebody who could turn around and do that. The whole situation feels so dirty.

 

How do I even come to terms with this? Any comments would be appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

You come to terms with it in one of two ways:

 

First, you have to decide whether this is tolerable by you, or not.

 

If not - then that's what you do. You dump him and throw him out.

 

If you think it's salvageable, you have to move past this, and go for therapy/counselling if needs be - on condition that he attends with you to get to the bottom of why he chose to do this (and trust me, he did CHOOSE to do this. Nobody held a gun to his head - he did it because he wanted to, and felt like it).

 

he also might need Individual Counselling, to try to get past his Past.

In any case, that's the condition.

He has to work at this 110% to get this back on track. he broke this - it's up to him to man up and fix it.

 

The other factor in this is that although he is most definitely 100% to BLAME for this episode, you both hold 50% responsibility for the upkeep, maintenance and condition of your relationship, together.

 

4-and-a-half years is a good time to be together, but sometimes, complacency can settle in, and distractions (work worries, money worries, family issues or just plain personal development and change) can have an unseen effect....

This is an aspect you will both have to consider....

 

The other question you need to ask is - Does he still want to be with you?

And if the answer is yes - then he has to prove himself worthy of being with you, and has to show he deserves to have you in his life.

 

I think that's more than enough food for thought.

 

Good luck, be well.....

[PegNosePete]

He said he didn't meet her. He lied.

He said they just talked. He lied.

He said they only slept together once... how likely is it that he was telling the truth?

 

He did it because he wanted to do it.

Time to say goodbye to this cheating scumbag.

[TaraMaiden]

Well there you go...

 

 

Looks as if the consensus is "think about what you want, but he really doesn't deserve you".....

 

You can always depend on PNP to give you the straight, no-hold-barred, tell-it-like-it-is upper cut.....

[PegNosePete]

And you can always depend on TM to give you the other options

 

What a team!

[Sam8273]

I know what he is and I know that what he has done is absolutely one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly love.

 

I'm still in total shock though, I can't just switch off my feelings. All I really want is to know what made him do it really. This is the longest relationship I've been in and I've given it my all. How do I say goodbye to what was supposed to be my best friend?

[PegNosePete]

All I really want is to know what made him do it really.

Well this is the million dollar question. I'm sorry to say that nobody ever gets a satisfactory answer to this one. The only answer is, he did it because he wanted to. Whatever excuses he makes, this is the real reason. He chose to do it because he wanted to do it. Nobody held a gun to his head.

[Kinder-Horror]

Knowing what made him do it wont fix anything - the fact is... he cheated on you. Which means he didn't value your relationship enough to be faithful to YOU. and the whole him getting a chance to use her like she used him is bull. How was cheating on you with her using her like she used him? How is sleeping with her getting back at her? Sounds like it was what she wanted so I am missing the whole revenge scenario.

 

Leave. Him.

[EmperorR]

Dump him.

 

Once someone cheats on you once they will do it again

[Ella whispers]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Get out of the relationship, you won't be able to trust him again.

[hoping2heal]

This situation is complicated to explain...My boyfriend of 4 and a half years went on holiday for 3 weeks about a month ago. He used to live in the place that he visited as his father still lives there. He has an ex that he was with 10 years ago that also has family there. They still keep in contact via facebook, although their relationship was far from healthy and involved lots of cheating.

 

Anyway, to try to shorten as much as poss, I noticed on her facebook that she was going to visit her family during the time my bf was there. Naturally, the situation worried me but I kept telling myself to trust him. He has never done anything before to make me think he would do anything. So I asked him when he got back if he had seen her and he said no. Except, something didn't feel right. So after a few days, I looked at his email and they had exchanged emails to say how much they enjoyed seeing each other, with her saying how much she loves him.

 

I confronted him and he admitted they'd hung out, but that she was a mess and an alcoholic and that he only saw her a couple of days because they had nothing in common.

 

Unfortunately, I still didn't buy it and things have been tense. So, five weeks later after making up story after story, he admitted the truth. He slept with her. Once, apparently and didn't see her after that. But then, he did email her when he got back.

 

He says it was a mistake and he knew when he did it he'd lost me and that's why he didn't tell me. He says he did it because she'd cheated on him all through their previous relationship and he had a chance to use her like she'd used him.

 

I am so confused - I have been with him for nearly 5 years and he's so wrapped up in the past (10 years ago!) that he would throw our relationship away to get one up on somebody? Or did he really just do it because it was offered to him and he's so selfish that he took what he wanted at that moment. I just can't believe that I have committed so much of my time to somebody who could turn around and do that. The whole situation feels so dirty.

 

How do I even come to terms with this? Any comments would be appreciated.

 

So, he got the chance to use her and he decided to crap all over the trust between him and his GF of 5 years, for a chance to get even on a ten year old grudge..

 

Hum..things that make you go Hmm.

[Professor X]

How do I even come to terms with this? Any comments would be appreciated.

 

You're just gonna have to be strong and do it.

Just follow your instincts and use your head, you know what must be done.

 

He says he did it because she'd cheated on him all through their previous relationship and he had a chance to use her like she'd used him.

 

So the guy still holds grudge after 10 years and his way to "use" his ex' was by screwing up his relationship with you, than all I have to say is... She screwed him again.

He ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?

[DollyGirl12]

I know what he is and I know that what he has done is absolutely one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly love.

 

I'm still in total shock though, I can't just switch off my feelings. All I really want is to know what made him do it really. This is the longest relationship I've been in and I've given it my all. How do I say goodbye to what was supposed to be my best friend?

 

 

Of course you cannot switch your feelings off. We never know what is going through another persons mind when they do something that breaks our trust and breaks our hearts. But, they do it because they think they can. It's as simple as that.

 

I have to agree with everyone else here. He lied, then he lied again, and then he lied again. That says a world about his character. Went through the same thing with my ex,,he just continued to lie, even after getting caught. Never, ever did come clean with the truth, apologize, or show any remorse at all.

 

One of the things I had to tell myself over and over again, and I cannot remember where I read or heard it but.....

"A persons character is what they do when they think no one is watching".

 

Cheating, and then lying and lying and lying,,,HUGE character flaw.

[Sam8273]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I have spoken to him and he has told me he did because he was fed up with us and it was there. Brutally honest, but I think I needed to hear it.

 

So there is no question of us sorting anything out. In fact, although he originally did the proper thing and say he would move out, he is now beginning to suggest that I do it instead! Charming.

 

This is the type of behaviour he shows with everyone else, lying and trying to get what he can out of them. How could I kid myself that I would be the one person he might protect from that side of his character?

[TaraMaiden]

Depending on the legalities of your living arrangement - dump his stuff out on the porch, and change the locks.

 

Now you know him. Now you see him.

Now, it's all clear.

 

I'm really sorry he could do this to you, and yes, I agree with you. Forget 'salvage'....

 

Are you ok? (as ok as one could be expected to be, under the circumstances....)

[Kelemort]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I have spoken to him and he has told me he did because he was fed up with us and it was there. Brutally honest, but I think I needed to hear it.

 

So there is no question of us sorting anything out. In fact, although he originally did the proper thing and say he would move out, he is now beginning to suggest that I do it instead! Charming.

 

This is the type of behaviour he shows with everyone else, lying and trying to get what he can out of them. How could I kid myself that I would be the one person he might protect from that side of his character?

 

 

Your boyfriend (ex?) is a piece of trash and it reflects in everything he's done. I'm surprised that many in this community seem to agree with me, but this is partially the reason why I think it's a VERY bad idea to keep contact with exes going unless you have children together (and even then it should be limited to discussions about handling/raising the kids). I don't say it to mean, "Everyone who is friends with an ex is going to cheat."

 

That's not true. But I think there is something to the fact that a person feels the need to continue talking to an ex when they are in another relationship, or years down the road. This is especially true if they never stopped communicating for a while to get over the break-up, but continued keeping in touch. Why? Couldn't what the ex provides be provided by another person who could meet those same needs - and who ISN'T an ex partner?

 

It's true sometimes that exes could be better friends than they were exes - but I would never dream of maintaining friendships with exes only because it can jeopardize present relationships. My boyfriend lied to me about having contact with his ex. It hurt me very deeply when he decided to inform me more than a year in that he still had her phone number and talked to her on Facebook, where she was listed under a different name. Thankfully, he knocked all of that garbage off when I told him I was unhappy about it.

 

If he had insisted on maintaining contact with her, I would've been very skeptical and hurt. There's just no need to maintain a friendship with an ex, especially if you know it's hurting your present beau. It's one thing if your relationship is still in its first few months - but once it gets serious it is time to move on if you know it bothers your current partner.

 

In any case, I'm sorry to hear that was the case here. You deserved better than that treatment. Instead of handling it like a mature man, he arranged an affair with an ex. All to "get back at her" - apparently ignoring the fact that he was pleasuring her and taking a huge dump on your relationship.

 

You deserve better. Best of luck to you.

[Sam8273]

I am ok, just incredibly shocked still. He is staying away but we had a face to face chat last night where he seemed to be sorry.

 

Then he went out to wherever he is staying. I could have thought from his mood that he'd go and think about what he's done. But then I found out he'd gone out on a massive drug binge. He is so childish (always has been) and even now, it's all about feeling good and instant gratification. So I'm stuck with adult thoughts of how someone might do this to another human being, and he seemingly is just not that bothered.

 

It's hard to swallow but may make it easier in the long run.

[Flgirl44]

I'm sorry he was so selfish and hurt you in the process. It's hard to be communicative when you are unhappy in a relationship and comparatively speaking easy to cheat. Most people take the easy route to save their own comfort.

 

You will get through this, know that it wasn't your fault, and you have a lot to offer the world. Try not to waste time dwelling on him since he is not dwelling on you. Goodluck and best wishes

[Sam8273]

I'm going to just try to be positive about a new beginning from this point. We have had a relationship plagued by differences and I now see that we haven't been making each other feel good about ourselves for a long time.

 

It's just a shame because at the time he did this, we were working hard to improve things. But I guess he just couldn't handle it, or put his past behind him. It's his loss, I just wish I'd listened to people who advised me against him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

[sookiedallas]

Sweetie, there is someone out there that deserves you and will treat you right. How exciting that you now have the chance to finally meet him, even though it doesn't seem that way now. A friend once told me, "You have to throw out the trash before you can find the treasure".