I wronged her but I tried to make things right, only to be wronged by her?

[dogslife4me2003]

Hi all,

 

When I was 22, I met the woman of my dreams on an online dating website. I was deployed overseas and I was hoping to meet someone when I returned and start settling down. I found her, and my heart never let go.

 

Things were whirlwind with her. It was everything I ever wanted, and I fell deep and hard in love with her.

 

Fate interviened. I was deployed for the opening days of Operation Iraqi Freedom. While I was away, I started feeling insecure about her love for me. While overseas, we got into fights, and I started accusing her of cheating. I returned to the states three months after the war started, and things went quickly downhill with the relationship. I said and did mean, hurtful, and nasty things without thinking and not considering what I was doing to her. I became increasingly hostile and more ill tempered towards her, but I honestly deep down loved her dearly. I was incidentally playing head games with her, and I know that now. I became an emotional abuser, and that is something I am not proud of nor deny. Ultimately it took a huge toll and about 18 months after this love affair started, it was over. Helping matters somewhat on her case is her mom was given the diagnosis of cancer just days before our breakup.

 

She parted ways with me, and I was the most heart broken I have ever been. I struggled to move on, and the truth is I never really have. I also held a lot of guilt over my actions and words with her. We've been broken up for almost seven years as of writing this.

 

She moved on and quickly fell in love and married. They had a child together but she apparently wasn't in love with this guy and she left him (I'm sure I would have shared the same fate now, however.) The story just gets started here.

 

After her partings, I was devastated. I just lost everything that I loved, and everything from work to my friendships suffered. It took months for me to smile again. I lost 30 lbs and I was just completely lost. I lost the love of my life, and I know I was not always good to her, good for her, or good for myself at times. I had anger issues, and I was suffering from a slight case of PTSD. I went into therapy for a while to work on myself, and I'm proud to say it was a great thing for me.

 

We had very limited interactions over the next 3-4 years, but it was very hostile on her end. She clearly was angry at me. Our relationship was bad. Her family was overly involved in our relationship and when things hit the fan, they pretty much forced her into making decisions that I know she didn't like. Her family had unusually closeness, I would say not like anything I know as normal considering I came from a broken home. I've digressed. In 2007, I was really missing her and I wanted to see if her email account still works. I sent it solely with a number 1 in the message. The very next day, she responded very favorably. A friendship was kindled. Soon after I learn her mother went into remission and then was in stage 4 cancer. Her marriage was falling apart as well. I was with a longtime girlfriend who is now my wife at the time. Truth be told, I would have walked away from my gf to be back with her if she had let me.

 

Over the years and at the time, our correspondence grew to an everyday email, occasional phone call, and sometimes meetings in person over coffee or lunch. At the time, I was still stationed in the area with the military. The gf I was with and I ended up getting married and before that happened, I went as far as letting her know, hoping then that the now separated ex would try to stop me and take me back. She actually somewhat tried to, but I missed the message. We still continued to see each other after I was married over coffee, and communicated almost daily. I finally got closure from her, and I was about as happy as I ever was.

One day two years ago almost to the day, she invited me out for a beer in the afternoon. I went. It lasted longer than it should have considering I was married, and one thing lead to another, and I ended up back at her apartment. We had an affair. A beautiful, wonderful, passionate affair. Five years after our breakup, almost to the day, I had the one day that I prayed for to happen...one final day with her where all was forgotten and the passion and love I had for her was all that mattered. Instead of feeling guilty, I was completely sure now that she was the woman I loved. It wasn't lust for me. We still communicated and saw each other, though never sexually again, after that encounter.

Soon afterwards, I was relocated with the military half way across the country. Our correspondence had started diminished and started growing strangely distant on her end. I could tell whatever spark was there was gone after I left the area. She confirmed it when she wrote me a message on a social website saying she no longer wanted to associate herself with me. I was able to talk to her about it and we remained in contact on that same website. About a year after that, just this past weekend, and two months to the day since the affair, she received a picture of her mother that was taken back when her and I were at the lowest point in our relationship. I was not even remotely in the picture.

This picture brought her emotionally back to our relationship somehow. I know that sounds crazy since I wasn't in the photo and it was a picture of her parents. While I don't quite understand why, she decided that this picture showed the disapproval of her parents and that she needed to at that point stop talking to me on that social media site, since really now that is all we were communicating through.

I had sent numerous drunk emails through that social site proclaiming my love for her. While that might sound funny, I meant every word I said in those letters. She never responded, never knowing what to say, but she assured me that they didn't bother her. That wasn't a stop sign for me so that was going on for years. In the last interaction, apparently that same picture of her parents proclaimed why she never knew what to say. She was still angry at me over the words that I said to her when we were together. A couple of really bad nights (I flipped her out of the bed/off the mattress one night, I rendered her car undrive-able so we could talk after a night that she called the cops on me.... I know what you're thinking.... I was very much a crazy ******* at times to her, something I've always regretted).

 

I'm in my 30's now, and one night a picture brought her back seven years. I know she knows I'm not the same mean-spirited man I once was. It really, really hurt to read what she wrote me. Clearly she was reliving the relationship, all sparked through this picture. She wouldn't even call it a relationship, but a "situation". We were engaged to marry, and it was a situation to her. I know at least where her head is at. She also pretty much all but said she never loved me. A lot of words she stated were ones we had in fights seven years prior. It was very hard for me, and I am very, very hurt. I know in the end that it was for the best, but she threw in my face all the bad from seven years ago, after a four year friendship.

 

I have to say this time it seems permenent. This is the first time it's ever felt this way. In a sense its the closure I needed...again. I still very much love her, and why she resorted back to old memories (she refuses to remember any good ones from when her or I were together, and there is more than enough good for her to think about, but she intentionally only remembers the bad. There's not a damn thing I can do about it, but I can just be thankful that I have my memories of us that were meaningful.) I choose to remember the good times, she chooses the bad times. I've lost a lot of sleep of this.

 

I love this woman, and God knows I shouldn't still. She just rubbed salt in an old wound knowingly, clearly trying to shake me. It worked. I'm heartbroken once again over her, and she surfaced and resurrected those old feelings in me again of remorse and guilt. She completely downplays my feelings for her and told me I wasn't in love with her back then since I caused her so much pain, and refuses to think I was since no one should make someone they love feel the way I made her feel. I can't argue hurting her, but I really loved her! I was an idiot back then, and I apologized more than anyone ever should about that. I have had nothing but remorse for what pain I caused her. I hated myself until she forgave me years ago for the name calling I did. I really, really loved her. I didn't always show it, but I did. I took her for granted numerous times in the relationship, and in fights I would call her mean names. That's the emotional abuse I spoke of. I accused her of cheating numerous times too, but I actually did suspect something was going on with her ex. While I should have broken up with her over it, I stayed, giving her hell. I know that is wrong. In staying, my insecurity got the best of me.

 

I needed to vent more than anything and I had no where to turn. I can't tell anyone about everything that happened unless its anonymously. I'm now an officer in the military (I was enlisted when I was with her, and when the affair happened). I'll miss her. I miss her already again.

Edited April 14, 2011 by dogslife4me2003

[SoulFinger]

Wow Dogslife that's quite a story.I can fully understand the pain you are going through and the regrets you have about your behaviour in the past towards your ex.I also find it very good of you to admit to all your mistakes and wrong doings.My question to you is..where does your wife come into all of this..you didn't seem to mention your love or feelings for your wife in this at all.I take it your wife is not aware of the full story regarding your ex is she?What is your relationship with her like?I ask this because I feel a sort of void there..am i wrong?I myself know what it is like to still have feelings for an ex even though they told you they never truly loved you.I hope now that you got closure from your ex you can start healing.

[dogslife4me2003]

This is where I sound like an a-hole again to a degree.

 

I love my wife, but I have never been in love with her. I married my wife specifically so she could get the medical benefits she desperately needed. I made my intentions clear from the beginning with her so she knew exactly where I stood. I personally do not believe in marriage, and I made that clear as well. After the ex, the idea of marriage never appealed to me. It still doesn't. I married her so she could get medical insurance coverage. She was $30K in medical debt. Among other health issues, she has Lupus. After 3 years together, I was clear when I married her it was specifically so she could get coverage. Cold, but she now enjoys the luxury of free medical care and its one less worry. I still feel I married her unselfishly, though at the cost of my own happiness. She finds sex with me to be very painful, and it looks like the signs point to her medical diagnosis are the cause. Needless to say, we don't "connect" often.

 

To be honest, my intentions are not to get into my current situation with my wife any further than to just explain I've never been in love with her. I love her like a friend, but it's never been deeper than that. My point in posting on here was not to get into my current situation with my wife, but rather to anonymously grieve the loss of the love of my life, my ex. My ex-fiance. My ex lover. My ex girlfriend. Not as she refers now to it as "a situation in her life". That's denounce and deduced every aspect of what I thought was love from her to something that to her was just a overall bad experience. I really would rather not get into the specifics of my relationship with the wife. I do not advocate or recommend cheating, but I still do not feel guilty about it years after the fact. I have not done it before or since, and a long time ago I knew the only person that I would ever break a wedding vow for was for this ex. I just want to make that clear.

 

I'm at least clever enough to now that I know deep down she has good, fond memories. She admits to those, but consciously refuses to think about those times because in her mind, and to quote her, someone who brings someone up so high, and then call her names, is not how she wants to think about love. Personally, I know that it's unrealistic to think that you'll never get into an argument. Believe it or not, her parents don't/didn't fight. They don't fight or argue, and she's expecting to be in that kind of unrealistic relationship. She expects to be in a relationship as her parents was, and I wish her luck on that. She actually had that with her husband, but she did not love him! I'll quote exactly what she wrote me. Again, I really have not had any negative interactions with her. We disagree on views, but it's never been over anything other than politics lately.

 

"...It is also a conscious decision to remember the bad memories of me and you. That is because if I think about any of the parts that were good, it makes me lose faith in people and in love......... It makes me sad to think that people who do good things for those they love and then treat them the way you treated me is somehow ok. It’s not love. When you speak of all the good things you did, I can’t deny that. You did/bought a lot of good things. But I would trade all of those good things to erase the memory of you calling be a cunt bitch and accused me of cheating on you numerous times. Sorry, but it’s true. I would trade all those good things to erase the memory of all the hurt and pain you caused me and my family..... I think the biggest problem for me is that I know that I didn’t feel quite as strongly as you did about things. I may have for a short time, but not to the degree that I would have hung on to it for this long. I don’t share the same sentiment as you that we were soul mates. I don’t believe we were. I can’t believe for one moment that my soul was meant to be with someone who was capable of the things you were capable of. That would be quite a disappointment, and kind of cruel. My family doesn’t do drama. Yes I know you have apologized more than any human ought to, but to be honest, it just doesn’t matter. I know you are sorry. I know you feel bad."

 

I know for someone who's family "doesn't do drama", having an affair with numerous married men is a surefire way to cause drama. I'm just saying. I'm not the first man she's been involved with an extramarital affair with. I've digressed, and no, that's not all I've gotten out of her words.

Just a few of some of the things I did that I cannot believe she won't think about:

 

Our first time making love, since it was draped in drama. I left the flu closed and started a fire. We met the fire department shortly afterwords. They are stellar, top notch!

When I was deployed, I sent her three bouquets of flowers a week for a few weeks. Woman at her work (which she still works at now) were envious.

I took her out on romantic getaways and mini-vacations as often as I could afford on my E nothing pay. I always found a way to make it happen.

Candlelight dinners, at home and at restaurants I really could not afford most of the places we went.

I proposed to her on the beach at sunset, the one place I knew she loved to be at the most.

Left her notes and messages on her pillow, email,text messages... granted later they were not always pleasant

I wrote her EVERY DAY I was deployed and sent them home. This was done just in case I didn't make it home, for weeks she would still get the love letters from me. I still have all the ones she sent me. I'll never part with them. Quite frankly, other men wished they felt that compelled to write home like I did. A couple guys told me that. Her love very much helped get me through the day out there. Maybe that's the biggest reason of all that I can't let her go, and just let go.

I learned and played songs for her daughter. I never mentioned her in here until now.

Lots of laughs, smiles, hugs, kisses, and such.

I didn't have a lot, but I gave it all to her.

Lots of years lost for me I guess keeping these fond, beautiful memories alive in my heart. I refuse to think it was wasted memories. Especially the ones I have while I was deployed.

 

Again, our break-up happened in March of 2004. This was her words from her message in 2011. Her words cut me like a knife then in 2004 as they do now in 2011. We were friends and friendly up until no kidding Monday (April 11, 2011). She went on to bring up a plot of a Lifetime TV network movie that is renown for that kind of drama and says she relived it all with me in that movie she watched. While I know I wasn't easy to live with, I'm sorry, I was not the kind of monster that she outlined in that flick.

Lifetime: Television for woman. Infused with total drama. I'm just saying.... She's a very dramatic woman, and thats one of the things I loved about her.

I find it odd that my ex now claims she never loved me. Why now? I'm not blind, I know what I saw and felt. I truly believe she just wanted to close the door for good. I wish her well, I want nothing but the best for her. I was not good for her back then, but I know she saw that I was a different man over the past few years. Still the pain for her was apparently too much, too deep, and her parental approval of me was not there, and more importantly for her, her parents approval of her (a grown woman) was not there. I wish that part wasn't honestly a reason I needed to mention because to me that just seems like a weak way to bow out. My parents approval was never important to me, especially after I moved out. We're all different in that way I suppose. It just really burns. Clearly she held onto that anger and blew it off on me now. It really, really, really hurts and it really hurt me to read. I wish she knew that.

As I pointed out, she actually told me that she did try to stop my wedding. Exactly how was never really discussed. I guess it was more out of jealousy, and not love, that she did that. That's just a guess, but when I paint the picture of my past, why would she be jealous? Speaking of jealously, she actually "warned" my wife about me in 2005, which we were not talking then, about me. She clearly sounded delusional in the message she sent my then girlfriend. While I chuckled then, I felt bad for her. She sent it out of jealousy. It caused "drama". There's that word again. We talked about it over lunch one day and she all but admitted to being jealous. I guess I wasn't the only headcase in this situation. One thing is clear, we never would have worked because clearly here she never moved on from the pain of my actions and words, much like I never moved on from the pain of losing her and her love.

I do like drama. I don't like "Lifetime Television", however.

Her mother passed away in late 2008. She split from her second marriage (she was married once before I met her) two months after that. Our affair happened four months later (Not to make myself or her or I look any worse, she's had affairs with married men in the past). She's recently confided that she has not been with anyone since our encounter, which while I find suspect, I'm not prying into. I had been in constant contact with her for over four years, through celebrations and through pain, well removed from the pains of our 2004 break up. While it has honestly or communications have tapered down over the last 6 months or more, it was still there. Suddenly all that pain came back to her now, in 2011. All in that time we talked, never once was she this bitter or scorn towards me. We were always civil, even when we breeched our past. I was always extremely delicate when I brought up anything from teh old days that I wanted to apologize to her for. I think I always had something to apologize for. I screwed up a lot. I was a 22 year old kid in a serious relationship for the first time and I acted like it. I hate that. I did not say anything mean or spiteful to her in the past few years, not even close. Even in her goodbye. I love her dearly, and I know its the kind of love I'll have for her for a long time. I've lost her twice now. By any measure, most people would say that is a good thing for all the right reasons, and I'm inclined to agree. Still, the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

Something in her words are as unsettling now as they were back in 2004. It definitely ripped open a hole again. Having been through it once before with her, I know how to carry on. I just hate that I have to do it once again. I know our relationship turned ugly and unhealthy. I know for my part of that I'm sorry. I know I was largely at fault for it's demise. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt that it would have likely gone much better had I met her when I was older, more mature, and more ready to deal with a serious relationship. She was my first serious relationship. She had been married once before we met, and once after. She's now going through her second divorce. I know that's how her and I would have ended. It doesn't make it any less appealing. That's sad for me to recognize that, and still want to have been in it. I know that doesn't say much about me.

Re-reading this, I am aware I come across sounding off balanced, as well as her. I am well aware of that. In hindsight, our breakup was inevitable, clear as mud. I know I have not painted either her or I in a positive light from any time period of our relationship time-line, but we are both human that are very capable, and have made mistakes. For her, the mistakes of disappointing her mother were great. For me, disappointing her. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done with her in any time period. I can't take back things I said or did that I regret.

She was the one. I'm not saying the one I'd end up with, but she was the one my heart wants. I wish her the best. I wish her well. I hope she finds her unicorn. I'm not bitter. I just wish things in my control would have been better in 2003-2004. I I've lived with a lot of regret and remorse over that. She knows that.

She was the one. I love her. I wish her well. I truly do.

Edited April 14, 2011 by dogslife4me2003
Added her exact words to me in the email. Slightly abridged

[SoulFinger]

Thanks for that Dogslife and I fully understand the explanation about your wife.As for your ex well that's puzzling as you said why did she wait so long to tell you that.Why such nastiness now after all a couple of years ago she must have enjoyed the sexual interlude after all.She sounds vindictive and mean to me and maybe thank god you didn't marry her after all.I know that doesn't ease or change your feeling for her because after all you still love her even though she can be so nasty.

I do know that myself because 10 yrs ago I had an ex who was very much like that.You start to think what the hell..

Some people are just like that Dogslife and unfortunately we can't change them.Keep your head up and just give her a little corner in your heart anyway even though she told you those nasty things.At least you can you say that you truly love and loved her.I know it hurts when they tell you they never loved you and trying to be nasty but I think in your heart of hearts you know if she did or not.I think she just likes to be vindictive and drive you away to tell you these things.Some people are like that.

 

I can speak of experience Dogslife because my ex was nasty..I knew she did love me but it was her way of dealing with it and create a way out for her to try and get rid of you.I know it's horrible and it hurts like hell but you know what..if she wants to be like that then good luck to her.As I said you know your love was sincere and still is.

You don't deserve this Dogslife..I know as you explained you were no angel and you f... up.But you are brave and man enough to admit that..many wouldn't.

Stay strong Dogslife.

[dogslife4me2003]

Thanks SoulFinger. It's not exactly easy admitting to some of the things I did. I'm ashamed of the way I was with her, and I think I made that clear. Live and let live, and learn from my mistakes. I struggle, but I try.

 

Someday she might looks back and smile at a thought or a memory of me. While I'll likely never see that smile ever again, it will likely warm my heart. I'll know when it happens

[dogslife4me2003]

Well, fate, for the lack of a better term, dealt me a hand, and this woman that I very passionately feel for somewhat walked right back into my life at literally a 1 and a million chance.

I'm currently between duty stations, and I returned with my family to her parents house while our townhouse is being readied at our next duty station. Some buddies of mine that I used to be stationed with invited me out for a brew, and I gladly accepted. I walked in the door, and not 5 minutes later, someone taps me on the shoulder saying "What the hell are the odds!?" It was the woman that I spoke of above. I was literally thrown into a state of shock and I had a complete deer in the headlights look, or a look of that of just seeing a ghost.

It took me a second or so to compose myself, slow my heart rate down, etc. I was only able even then to spurt out very short syllable words and my eyes were really almost unable to focus.

One of the few things I was able to say way "I am sorry" and she cut me off mid sentence and said not to worry about it and that it was water under the bridge.

The interaction was short, as I was with friends, and she was with a co-worker about to attend a concert, but she stopped in for a bit to eat and some pre-game drinks.

I took another chance the following day and asked her if she wanted to meet up for lunch. She was only free in the afternoon, so we made it an after work....date...there's no other word for it. We had dinner and drinks, and we did a lot of talking. One thing that was repeated was that we were not ever going to have a chance again. I still have a really hard time with that since she wanted to see me and we talked it up and laughed for 7 hours last night. We really both had a great time, and it was very, very reminiscent of our last "encounter" in April of 2009.

All of my feelings for her are still there. She seems to deep down reciprocate, but on the same end is not interested. She's still very much single, claiming to not have the time to date. She's been with someone casually that sees it going no where.

One of the interesting things was I asked about coffee some time and her response was extremely encouraging, with a "call me".

It turns out, she had a very similar reaction when she saw me sitting at the bar that night. Her reaction caused a waitress to ask her if she was ok. That's not exactly a reaction that I would expect to hear from someone that wants to now share a dinner and a beer. I dunno, I've never been able to figure her out.

Some things that I got from this talk is clearly this is a woman that I should be counting my blessings that we did not end up legally married. She clearly has a very unobtainable expectation with regards to her wants and needs from a relationship. She clearly stated that she has never had a passionate relationship (That was a kick in the nuts, I've honestly never been as compassionate with someone as I was with her), and clearly she is not the marrying type.

I still very much think she is my soul mate. I don't see anything else coming of each other, but I just know that she senses something when her and I are together. She had things she should have done that were important that she put off to spend more time with me.

I don't know that we will grab coffee. Her birthday is in a couple of days, and I got her a very cheery-happy-friendly card for her birthday. She did not open it up with me there, even after asking. I'm hoping she didn't just toss it.

I feel like I was with the woman I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life last night. We parted ways at midnight. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing more. Today, I'm a little sad. Not sad because it happened, but I really know that this woman will never, ever find what she wants. I'm sad that I still love her as deeply as I do, and I will never have it reciprocated the way I deserve (from her, or my wife).

Was it fate? I dunno. All I know is I had one of the best times in my life last night.