Rooke Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I came here hoping to find people that are more understanding, normally I just get attacked, which is understandable I guess, but I think unless you've been in a situation similar, you could never possibly understand. Basically, I have been seeing a married man on and off for a period of almost 2 years, his wife has founf out about us twice before and the last time they spilt up for 3 months but eventually got back together. I moved to a new city for him recently as he said he was going to leave her and we would move in together, then last week, he told me he had no intention of leaving because she was pregnant. She has since found out again and kicked him out, now he's blaming me for everything and doesn't want anything to do with me, despite the fact he told me that he didn't love her anymore and on'y loved me and now he has proved that, that is obviously not the case. So now I'm stuck in my job and I can't move again, I don't know anyone here and I really don't know what to do next. If he knows where I live, he can always turn up and I'd rather I just disappeared from his life.. How is this all going to pan out.........?
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Your choice. Never contact him again, and never be taken in by his lies, deceit and complacency. He's had it all served up to him on a great big platter, it seems. Two women giving him sex, and a good roof over his head, and a comfort zone stretching 2 ways. What a fantastic guy he must be! You two women are the sad losers in this. So you need to pick yourself up, cut him out of your life for ever, and build a social network that's happy, healthy, fun and you enjoy being a part of, because there's no deceit, no hiding, no cheating, no subterfuge, no secrecy and no complications. THAT'S how it pans out.
Author Rooke Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Indeed we are the sad losers in this situation. I don't think he'll ever realise that he's done something wrong so I doubt he'll ever stop blaming me and get it touch, so I don't think I need to worry about him being in touch.
Author Rooke Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 I absolutely agree, I am partly to blame, and you're quite right, if I hadn't believed his lies, I wouldn't be in this situation. However, I take responsibility for my actions, I will deal with the consequences and I have made my bed and I will lie in it and I won't have him back either, because presumably, if she doesn't take him back, then he will come crawling to me, just for the sake of being in a relationship as oppossed to being alone. However, of course I can't predict what his next move may be, but whatever it is, I need to be prepared for it. If he is going to be in touch, I need to be on my toes and be strong and be sure I can deal with it. I don't want him to catch me at a vulnreable time when I'm feeling low and lonely because I don't know anyone here.
fooled once Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I came here hoping to find people that are more understanding, normally I just get attacked, which is understandable I guess, but I think unless you've been in a situation similar, you could never possibly understand. Basically, I have been seeing a married man on and off for a period of almost 2 years, his wife has founf out about us twice before and the last time they spilt up for 3 months but eventually got back together. I moved to a new city for him recently as he said he was going to leave her and we would move in together, then last week, he told me he had no intention of leaving because she was pregnant. She has since found out again and kicked him out, now he's blaming me for everything and doesn't want anything to do with me, despite the fact he told me that he didn't love her anymore and on'y loved me and now he has proved that, that is obviously not the case. So now I'm stuck in my job and I can't move again, I don't know anyone here and I really don't know what to do next. If he knows where I live, he can always turn up and I'd rather I just disappeared from his life.. How is this all going to pan out.........? Many here have been through an affair, in some shape. Your choice. Never contact him again, and never be taken in by his lies, deceit and complacency. He's had it all served up to him on a great big platter, it seems. Two women giving him sex, and a good roof over his head, and a comfort zone stretching 2 ways. What a fantastic guy he must be! You two women are the sad losers in this. So you need to pick yourself up, cut him out of your life for ever, and build a social network that's happy, healthy, fun and you enjoy being a part of, because there's no deceit, no hiding, no cheating, no subterfuge, no secrecy and no complications. THAT'S how it pans out. Great post Tara!!! It seems to be a commonality amongst many (not all) cheaters...they don't like confrontation and they don't like to be accountable for their own actions/behavior. So I am not surprised at all that he blames you for the situation he is in. Let that be a small sliver of reality when you think of this man. Just as he most likely blames his W for their marital problems, he blames you for the A. How this pans out is up to you. We don't know what he will or won't do. Maybe she leaves him for good so he comes back to you as a back up plan. Do you want to be that back up plan? You can only control your actions. If it were me, regardless if he came back crawling over broken glass to get to me, I wouldn't have him. He's done quite a bit to deceive you. That's not a loving relationship. Having said all that, the fault is not entirely his as we can only be deceived, abused, mistreated, etc for as long as we will tolerate it. It's time to ask yourself why you followed him and listened to his lies for so long. It isn't as if he'd been the model of a good man all this time. The leaving her, getting back with her after 3 months, then asking you to follow him in a move would have been enough to go "whoa, wft?" I'm not trying to beat you up. I'm asking you to be introspective and work on getting in a better place so you can make better decisions for yourself. Great post sadintexas! Many have that hindsight 20/20 thing - they didn't see what a jerk, liar, manipulator he was when he was in their bed and telling them how he loves them, wants a life with them, etc. Soon as he gets busted, boom - OW is thrown under the bus and she realizes he isn't the marvelous magnificent guy she thought he was. We have to sit back and figure out why we allowed the disrespect, the unkept promises, etc. Rooke, if you are DONE with the affair, then there is no worries about being vulnerable. You will not be swayed with his baloney. IF you are done, he won't be able to manipulate you again. I am shocked to read that you moved to be near him when he was still married and living with his wife. He is not going to take responsibility, he is going to tell his wife that you are a stalker/bunny boiler, that you moved to be near him and that you won't leave him alone. He is not going to own his part in all this. Only thing you can do is accept it and move forward with your life. If you don't like the area, work towards getting out of there. Good luck!
Flabbergaster Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Rooke, I'm so sorry. This is...just an awful way to be treated. As an xMM...I can understand why someone caught might blame the AP. I can understand why they would blame the AP, when talking to their BS. Now getting thrown out...and blaming you to your face?? Wow, that's not cool. I couldn't do that, not at all. The person that I can imagine could do that...wasn't in the A for love. So i think it's maybe good for you to have this exit from him. How will this pan out, what should you do? -I'm assuming you are in an apartment? Find out what the options are for leaving, or if you can 'switch apts' in the complex without a lease break penalty. Explain that you have concerns of an exBF who knows where you live. If they won't play along, you might be able to find a cheap lawyer that specializes in housing. Big cities at least have these lawyers. lawyer can look at your lease, come up with ways to claim they are in violation and get you released. -Change your phone number. -Change your license plates. Make your car look diferent...change decals, fuzzy dice, whatever. Camouflage it so he won't recognize it. -MEET people. I'm not religious, but I do advocate going to church. It's a good place to meet nice people. It's also a good place for hurt people to feel supported. Find other things to 'join' so you can meet people. You need to immediately break out of seclusion. -start dating, after a bit. Speed dating is a way to meet people, so are single's nights. Go there to meet the girls, not the guys. -find gay clubs. You can go there to dance and have fun, meet nice gay guys. you don't have to worry about them hitting on you(or wonder why they don't). Always a great option for a woman in rebound (my sister taught me this one). -start reading the newspaper and tourist things about your new city. Plan adventures to learn the 'sights' and try the 'best food places' Oh yeah...you should go NC on this guy and move on. Agree with everyone else, he's NOT long term material, so cut him loose now. PS I think I have a crush on your avatar, that's a cool drawing.
Author Rooke Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 PS I think I have a crush on your avatar, that's a cool drawing. It looks nothing like me I'm afraid! I pinched it from a website!
Flabbergaster Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It looks nothing like me I'm afraid! I pinched it from a website! Hey, great taste counts, too! Besides...you don't want me to recognize you. Last thing either of us needs is ANOTHER affair, right? Let's at least RECOVER first? shhh...it's the internet...no one can see what you really look like... we are coincidentally ALL swimsuit models..
Author Rooke Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Hey, great taste counts, too! Besides...you don't want me to recognize you. Last thing either of us needs is ANOTHER affair, right? Let's at least RECOVER first? shhh...it's the internet...no one can see what you really look like... we are coincidentally ALL swimsuit models.. Pah!! I think commuting between the US and the UK would be FAR too much trouble to keep an affair going! I never feel like a swimsuit model but perhaps I'll try it and see how it feels!
Author Rooke Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Hey, great taste counts, too! Besides...you don't want me to recognize you. Last thing either of us needs is ANOTHER affair, right? Let's at least RECOVER first? shhh...it's the internet...no one can see what you really look like... we are coincidentally ALL swimsuit models.. Whilst we're on the subject...and in all seriousness... Would you have another affair? Or even consider it....?
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