Exit Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) Wow, my 800th post here. I didn't think I'd spent THAT much time on these forums in the past few years. Many of the posts have been my own requests for comfort and advice, but I'd like to think I do my fair share of replying to threads, especially when I see one that hasn't gotten a lot of responses yet. Anyways, just my little intro. I wanted to speak about something here that I've been thinking about for the past few days, and I did address this briefly in some other thread the other night, so you may have seen that, but I'd like to dedicate a fresh thread to it. This may end up being long, and it's not specifically based off of what I'm going through right now, but in an indirect way, it's gonna make me feel better to think about something else for a moment and distract myself from my pain. I think for 99% of us when we get dumped, something you can always count on seeing on the list of regrets is "I got comfortable", and that tends to be coupled with and followed by "I took him/her for granted". I myself have had this regret on my mind after most breakups. I'd like to smash this logic into oblivion. Some regrets are valid, but I'm starting to see this one is stupid, and it puts too much undeserved blame on ourselves. Getting comfortable in a relationship is a BEAUTIFUL thing! The beginnings of relationships, although generally viewed as the most exciting and interesting parts, are quite frankly, well, fake. You accentuate your positives, you hide your negatives, you try to impress this new person, you've got this rush of chemicals in your brain making you feel good, making it easier for you to be happy and funny and interesting to be around. The person you're with is doing the same thing at this stage of the relationship. Hell, you know you're in this stage of things if you walk into another room to burp or "pass gas" rather than do it in front of them. It's funny but it's true. (Sure, there are those personality types who are comfortable doing that stuff from day 1 lol). If you find yourself constantly getting dressed up even just to do the simplest thing with them, because you wouldn't want them to see you in the tshirt and sweatpants that you haven't changed out of yet today, you're still in this stage. The early part of a relationship is so easy. You don't fight, you don't argue, you don't rub each other the wrong way. Getting comfortable is the next stage, and it is great, but it also presents some new challenges into the relationship. This is SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. This is the natural next stage that the human mind seeks after that rush of passion wears off. It's a different type of excitement, rather than knowing that you just met someone and trying to figure them out and feeling all those happy chemicals, it changes into knowing you have someone to lean on, someone who will be there, someone you can count on and truly share yourself with. And here we all are saying "I'm so terrible, how did I let myself get comfortable?". Really?! You want to have a long term relationship and still be running around being as FAKE (or simply exaggerated) a type of person that we have to be for the first 4-5 months of a relationship? Wouldn't you find that EXHAUSTING? Wouldn't you hate being with this person for so long yet you still wonder if you can tell them this or that detail about yourself? Wouldn't you get tired of always needing to put on your best appearance, always forcing yourself to be in a good mood, always feeling like you're just "dating" someone instead of having a relationship? Do you want to have to be on your toes 24/7 and never make the smallest mistake because you aren't comfortable enough to believe that this person knows the real you and can forgive you and make things work with you? Being comfortable enough to relax does not immediately cross into "taking for granted" territory. Yes, it certainly CAN go that far. If you and your partner sit around in a dirty house, being miserable, watching TV, not enjoying life anymore, you might be TOO comfortable. If your partner comes to you and sits you down and says "I really need this or that aspect of our relationship to change or improve, can you do that for me", and you laugh in their face and say NO, you're taking them for granted. Have ANY of us who sit here and beat ourselves up over this "comfortable" stuff truly been THAT arrogant and callous? I don't think so. Sure there may be the small occasion of "they downright asked me for something and I couldn't do it and I regret that now", but for the most part, I don't think any of us would have told these people that we loved "NO, I WON'T DO THIS FOR YOU, I TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED AND I KNOW YOU WON'T LEAVE ANYWAY HAHAHA." None of us are guilty of that. The only thing we are guilty of is letting our guard down, of breaking down our walls, of baring our souls to these people, because we LOVE them, we TRUST them, and we feel accepted for WHO WE REALLY ARE. And we're going to make ourselves feel terrible for that? I just lost someone who I feel was unable to break down her walls, was unable to come out from her shell and talk to me. Arguments would be repeated over and over and I would boil it down to the simplest point of "tell me what you want so we can move forward", and I wasn't saying it in a childish way like "fine have it your way", I was truly, passionately asking for her to just form an opinion and make a statement for once, and she couldn't even do it. I fear for her, that her shell will only get thicker, and displace more room inside of herself that should be reserved for positive feelings like love and happiness. All she has room for right now is pain and anger and the rest of the room is taken up by the big bottle that she uses to contain all of these things. This is the alternative to being comfortable. Doesn't sound so great. We should not feel guilty. In fact, it may very well be that the OTHER person is guilty of something. Some people misinterpret getting to the "comfortable" stage. They notice a small percentage of the passion has cooled down, they notice they don't always want to be around you 24/7, and most importantly, they notice those warm and fuzzy chemicals in their brain are starting to fade, and they mistakenly interpret that as "I'm falling out of love" or "this isn't the right person for me", and these are the types who are likely to end it abruptly and have someone else in their arms the next week, because they are chasing that initial high again. That initial high is NOT love, at least not all of it, and I hate that our society doesn't understand that. My ex even said to me the other day "most relationships fail, hell, most marriages do". Yeah, because we've lost sight of what it's truly about. Is that the attitude we want to have? Most things fail and that's life? No, things fail because way too many people think that initial rush that you feel is love, and once it's gone, they think they need to leave. The comfortable stage is so much more meaningful. This is when real trust, real understanding, and dare I say, real love, start to develop. Do we really love the person that we just met 2 weeks ago, or do we love that awesome happy feeling we get from them because it's new and exciting? It's so pathetic it's almost funny, I can't count how many of the girls I've dated were throwing around the word "love" after just a few weeks. Can love at first sight really exist? I guess I'm starting to realize my opinion on that is NO. A huge rush of blood and chemicals to your brain and genitals can exist on first sight, that's about it. Hey, that last sentence almost rhymed lol. I'll save that for a song lyrics, don't steal it! And to make one last connection here, this is also why 3 or 4 month relationships that end can sometimes feel like THE WORST. Because all you ever saw was the "better" side of this person, and that's all they saw of you, and you were still up to your brain in those wonderful chemicals, and if something comes along and breaks you two up at this point, you think OH GOD THAT WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. Haha, no it wasn't. You didn't really even know them yet. Relationships change and evolve, and real mature people can handle that. We need to stop beating ourselves up over this comfortable thing. Refer to what I asked above. Were you really some terrible abusive person? Did you really totally ignore what your partner was asking you for? No. You made slight changes like being okay with bumming around with them on a lazy weekend, and you woke up in the morning assuming that this person was still "yours" and still loved you, and you trusted that even if you had a terrible fight, things would work out and love would win. There is nothing wrong with that. If you can't get comfortable with someone, you're with the wrong person! We all have so much to deal with, I hope I've at least successfully changed your mind about this one issue, and that I've given you one thing that you can cross off your list of regrets. The other person got comfortable too. They weren't exactly the same person you met way in the beginning. They didn't wake up on some random weekday after being together for 10 months and go run out and buy you flowers or do something to sweep you off your feet, because that stuff doesn't always happen at this point. So don't beat yourself up for not showering them with affection, or saying "I regret that at the end of each night and the beginning of each beautiful day, that I didn't always tell them I loved them". GET REAL! Nobody does that! Did they tell you every spare moment that they loved you so much? Of course not. In my situation, I know I WAS the person who some nights turned over and would say "oops we didn't even kiss each other before going to bed" or "I hope you know I love you". Even still, after it all falls apart, my ego lies to me and tells me I was the terrible one. It's not true. Being so hard on ourselves and shouldering undeserved blame is also what leads to the bad behaviors like begging, pleading, stalking, just DYING for that chance to fix things. You weren't that terrible in the first place, and guess what, your ex probably knows that too. That's why when you show up with flowers and tears streaming down your face and tell them you did so much wrong and you want another chance they're standing there thinking "whoa, that's not what any of this is even about. Did you even listen to me? Clearly you're just some person freaked out about being alone. I'm glad I left!". Your unrealistic, bruised ego, tells you that you are to blame, and tempts you to start that eleventh conversation, to break No Contact for that fifth time, to write that tenth letter, because some how, some way, you've gotta convince your ex that you regret what you did and you can change! And if they don't take you back, then you think you must be an even worse person than what you already thought you were, and now you have the added regret of regretting that you just initiated that phone call or text or letter. Now you have more regrets and more things you want to convince them you can undo! It's a downward spiral. You're not a terrible person. Your ex probably never said that you are, or if they did, it was during a heated argument during the painful breakup process. You're not the worst person in the world. You were yourself. If you show up out of your mind begging for another chance, you're just confirming for them that you WERE a bad person and they were RIGHT for leaving you, because only someone who has done so much wrong needs to beg for forgiveness and feel like their self worth depends on it. Does giving them that impression sound like a winning formula? No. Walk away like the good, loving person that you were. Don't act like you were a terrible person, or they'll start to believe that you were. Look at it this way, if you say you regret getting comfortable, what is the better alternative to that? You're telling me you wish with all your heart to undo your biggest mistake, you wish you could go back and BE UNCOMFORTABLE the entire time? Haha, that makes no sense. Let this one regret go, and then move on to the others. Wow, felt good to write this out. I definitely think getting this stuff said will help me on the journey that I'm on. I hope some other people get some satisfaction from this as well. Oh, also, as I finished typing this post, it turned to April 14th. One year ago today the music world lost Peter Steele, frontman of Type O Negative. I feel this is appropriate to share here because if you aren't familiar with them.... it's some of the greatest breakup music ever! RIP Peter, your music helped me with a lot of relationship problems, and maybe part of the inspiration I felt to get this post typed out tonight was like an unplanned tribute to you on the anniversary of your passing. I hope I can create a few new Type O Negative fans out of this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ6faHNsJw4&feature=related Edited April 14, 2011 by Exit 1
sunnydayze Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 that helped me alot actually. my boyfriend broke up with me saying he wasn't in love with me anymore, and then has a new girl straight away. we had just been together for 10 months so it does make me feel like maybe it was because we were getting comfortable, as it was also his longest relationship. thanks
melenkurion Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I love this! I don't like to admit it, but once or twice I have had exactly those doubts. This has put a stop to it.
Author Exit Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 I'm glad a few of you liked this. I'm still going through my own shattering process with my breakup, I'm in the stage where you wake up after only an hour or two of sleep and your heart immediately starts pounding and I have a panic attack. I want to call her, I want to text her. Even though everything written above came from my mind, I have to come back and read what it says too.
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