The pain is unbearable

[NikkEliz]

Maya arrow

I know how you feel. I had the same with my now ex. I fell for him instantly, and he is everything I could ever want and more. On top of loving him that way, he is my best friend. The only one who has ever really understood me. I feel lost without him.

I'm sorry that you are going through this too. For me, however, I didn't even have the choice/chance to fight for our relationship.

 

We had been together 5 years, and engaged for a year and a half. Supposed to be married this July. And out of the blue about a month and a half ago, he told me that he's not sure if he is 'in love' with me anymore. He didn't give reasons why, says he doesn't know. Said that he wanted to try to get it back, to work things out, but less than 4 days later, he ended it completely.

 

Those 4 days, where I thought I really truly still had the option to fix things, were the worst ever. In some ways, they were harder than it is now that it is over. I think it was because all the pressure was on me to fix it. I wasn't having any doubts about my feelings for him. I knew (and still know) that I love him unconditionally and can picture our life together. I feel lost now that it is over because I don't have a purpose anymore. Nothing to fight for. No goal to reach.

 

I'm still in the self blaming mode, and the hoping things can go back mode, though I know it is not a healthy/good place to be. I'm not sure if any of this is helpful at all, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your situation. *hugs!*

[maya arrow]

Dragonfly,

 

Reading your story was heartbreaking...I know it must feel beyond belief that someone who loved you so much could suddenly feel so differently. I have also been in relationships where I was so sure of the person, I took them for granted. But the thing is, that level of love can be a really healthy thing. And just think--next time, (and there WILL be a next, even though it may be hard to think about now), you will hopefully have that security but also with that, a deep gratitude. A philosopher once said, the more sorrow carves a hole inside of you, the more joy you can contain. I ended up leaving the boy who adored me to the point I took him for granted, because I wanted to feel challenged. Now, I am with someone who makes me want to be a better person. Every moment with him is something that I feel deepy...but I have never felt that security because of this.

 

It is my impression that your ex is feeling the need to move on to something different for reasons inside him. This new girl is perhaps a part of it--she represents change. His interest in her has nothing to do with you, but perhaps his own need for change. You've done your best to let him know that you love him and are willing to work on all that you feel you did that may have contributed to the break up. Now, it seems like the best thing you can do is let go, and get to know yourself again--perhaps a newer, stronger self. Give it some time...do a lot of deep thinking...and maybe, when you are ready, write him a short, sincere letter telling your ex what you are grateful for. Then leave it at that. Five years was a long time. I have no doubt that your ex will think of you again...but not now. You should assure yourself that you DID mean something to him. You know you did. And this new girl is a rebound...and you have no idea if it's something that will last. But it has nothing to do with you anyway. Let go of self-blame and remind yourself of all the ways you are special!

 

As for me, I have decided to fully live and love every moment I have left with my boyfriend. I have a strong feeling he will move on someday. He is the one for me, but I am not the one for him...but he loves me, and until I am strong enough to leave, I will start to build a measure of distance in my heart and just be completely present and grateful for these last days, weeks, months with the man I love with all my being.

 

Nikkeliz--

I know how you feel too. I only hope that I can be as brave as you when I am in the same situation. I am glad that I can at least prepare my heart for this ending. My goal now is just to try and be the happiest I can be until he is gone. He is a wonderful, beautiful man...but he is too young to really settle down. And though he is loyal, faithful, affectionate, and kind...I can tell that he no longer is as deeply in love with me as I am with him. And though that is sad...it is what it is.