The pain is unbearable

[dragonfly22]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this place, which I found last week and has been of great help. Last week my boyfriend of 5 years (and also fiance as of January) told me he was confused and needed to break up. He is 27, I'm 26. He said he was unsure that he loved me. This came totally out of the blue. We used to be extremely close (moved in together after dating for 4 months) and pretty much spent all of our free time together. It never seemed to bother any of us.

 

About a year ago his job required him to move 3 hours away from here. He was a bit hesitant at first but the move came with more responsibility and a much better pay (about 3 times what he was making before), so I encouraged him to do it as I was 100% sure the distance wouldn't affect us. I thought the new position would look great on his CV and after a while (a year I thought) he could ask to be transfered back home with a good position and pay, so we could finally afford to buy a house. At about that same time I got a job offer for what seemed to be an amazing job so I thought things where really falling into place. We both had landed really good jobs and could start thinking about finally taking next steps in our relationship like getting married and finally buying our own place. He also came home every weekend so it wasn't like we never saw each other.

 

Fast forward to last month, my "amazing job" was a nightmare and I have been dealing with depression due to a very hostile work environment since about November last year. All this time my boyfriend has been my rock. He cheered me up when I called him crying in the middle of the day or cried on Sundays just thinking about the work week ahead. I finally decided to quit in March, and had his full support. My last day was April 1st and I was SO happy. I thought those sad depressing days would be over, until he dropped the bomb on me last week (April 7th), so I had 6 full days of happiness before falling into a even worse deppression.

 

The next day he told me he had thought things through and did love me and wanted to work things out. That was last Friday. We had a serious talk and we realized we had given each other for granted and needed to work on going back to the way we were. We defined some actions like making sure we improved communication and work on some other issues that we both agreed where damaging our relationship. After this the weekend was GREAT. I felt so happy. He didn't have to leave until Monday so we had an extra day of just taking care of each other and (at least on my side) feeling grateful of being able to work on this relationship before it was too late.

 

Well, he left on Monday night and yesterday I noted him a bit distant but not too much (he does have a very stressful job so I understand he gets really tired). Today however, I called him during the day but he was distant. I said to myself "no worries, I'll talk to him in the evening when he is not so stressed". Well he hasn't picked his phone all night and won't answer my messages. The phone just rings and rings until it goes to the answering machine. He seemed to have answered once, I heard some loud music in the background but then hung up. I've been a wreck for the past 4 hours. We have not officially broken up but obviously something is wrong if he won't answer my calls and I know him too well to ignore that this is the end. Im DEVASTATED. I had planned to grow old with him, the few people who know about what's going on (common friends) are in shock, they think we were the perfect couple (I thought so too) and he has been my absolute best friend for a long time. He knows things about me I wouldn't tell anyone else and the thought of losing him is killing me. I love him SO SO much and I can't understand what happened. I'm sorry for the long post but I've never felt this way before even when I've had other relationships end before. And the fact that he won't answer my calls or messages...he knows what he is doing to me and doesn't care??? How did we end up here? Where did all that amazing love go?

 

I feel like I have no strenght...it just hurts too much and I don't want to even begin to try to understand because I never will...

[heartogold]

Im so sorry for your heartache it sucks believe me!!!Me and my wife counting dating seperated after eight total years together but we got back together I know its hard to hear but I was in the same boat your in I thought I have ben with this girl so long I love her like I have never loved any one on this earth I cant live without her Im dying inside I cant eat I cant sleep so much pain it hurts even literaly my chest hurts. My heart is shattered. We reconsiled and got back together we werent in a long distant relationship or nothing like that but we started being more open and honest with each other about everything. But I will tell you I got to a point to were I had to care enough about my self to be strong I prayed for the lord to give me strenght and then he did. You need to face the posibility it might be over if so and he ant going to put forth the effort you need to alow your self time to heal it want be easy but if he dont make a effort he dont deserve you Im sorry your going through this but your not alone you can talk to me anytime I want judge you or point fingers but I will be here for you!!!! Take care Dragonfly22 and keep me posted.

[zakfar]

I'm sorry for your situation. I wish you get him back. Though, from your passage, it seems he is seriously thinking about ending up the relationship. One thing you need to understand. More you push him, he are moving him away. Let him has some space, and time to think. May be he still loves you, but something is bothering him, or this is just a psychological trauma that's caused when someone starts thinking for 'Marriage' - the final stage of deciding the long term relationship, and he doesn't know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He's highly confused.

 

If he get's back, better not to ask him too many questions, and better not to irritate him more. You should try to handle him with care if you get the opportunity. You can bring him back with love, and not with 'Force'.

 

I hope you get the chance and you work it out.

 

Zakfar.

[Exit]

You're reacting pretty strongly to this if you ask me, and this is a very important time to remain calm. The last time he wasn't acting "distant" he took the time and effort to tell you that he does want this to work out. Ok, now he's seemed distant for a couple days, didn't answer his phone, and you're taking it really hard already. If I were in your shoes (and I have been), I might be tempted to text something like "Ignoring me is kinda rude, can you fill me in on what's going on? Have you decided you would rather have space again?" and leave it at that.

 

Just try to be patient. If you already totally devastated and all that's happened so far is that he didn't pick up his phone, you need to slow down. He's obviously confused about things, maybe he had a bad day at work.

[dragonfly22]

Thanks for your feedback. I understand why you might think Im freaking out over nothing. In a way I AM freaking out because I just didnt expect this to happen at all. But I also know him too well to know this is a BAD sign. I've never been a jealous girlfriend, he has always been free to come and go wherever he wants and he knows it so why not just text me a "I'm out with some friends, I'll talk to you tomorrow". That would've been enough. But ignoring my calls, my messages and answering, then hanging up??? Why would he do that, especially at this point where I'm sure he knows that would really get me worried.

 

Also I did send him a message saying "I've been trying to reach you with no luck, if you can't talk please just let me know by text and I'll give you a call tomorrow." But still no answer. Had the calls gone straight to voice mail then I would've thought his phone ran out of battery, but the phone was ringing. And I know him well enough to know he checks his phone constantly, so its not like he forgot to check. So yes, maybe I'm thinking too much into it but if he wants space, why not say so? As I said before, a simple text message saying "i'm out with friends, let's talk in the morning" would've been fine.

 

Also the funny thing is, he has wanted to marry me since very early in our relationship. Actually before he moved we were like a married couple, living together, shared finances, he even said many times he saw me as his wife more than just a girlfriend. When he proposed (just 3 months ago) he said it was just to make it "official" for everyone else as in his mind what we had was a marriage. So I'm baffled as to what changed in the past 3 months and now he is not sure that if he loves me. My friends tell me he must be having an affair but I asked him and he completely denies it. I may sound like a fool but I know him and I know he would tell me the truth. However I know he was denying a physical affair but maybe there might be an emotional one? As you can see I'm just trying to get answers...however I know it might just be that he has fallen out of love with me and I'll have to learn to live with it :-(

[hoping2heal]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this place, which I found last week and has been of great help. Last week my boyfriend of 5 years (and also fiance as of January) told me he was confused and needed to break up. He is 27, I'm 26. He said he was unsure that he loved me. This came totally out of the blue. We used to be extremely close (moved in together after dating for 4 months) and pretty much spent all of our free time together. It never seemed to bother any of us.

 

About a year ago his job required him to move 3 hours away from here. He was a bit hesitant at first but the move came with more responsibility and a much better pay (about 3 times what he was making before), so I encouraged him to do it as I was 100% sure the distance wouldn't affect us. I thought the new position would look great on his CV and after a while (a year I thought) he could ask to be transfered back home with a good position and pay, so we could finally afford to buy a house. At about that same time I got a job offer for what seemed to be an amazing job so I thought things where really falling into place. We both had landed really good jobs and could start thinking about finally taking next steps in our relationship like getting married and finally buying our own place. He also came home every weekend so it wasn't like we never saw each other.

 

Fast forward to last month, my "amazing job" was a nightmare and I have been dealing with depression due to a very hostile work environment since about November last year. All this time my boyfriend has been my rock. He cheered me up when I called him crying in the middle of the day or cried on Sundays just thinking about the work week ahead. I finally decided to quit in March, and had his full support. My last day was April 1st and I was SO happy. I thought those sad depressing days would be over, until he dropped the bomb on me last week (April 7th), so I had 6 full days of happiness before falling into a even worse deppression.

 

The next day he told me he had thought things through and did love me and wanted to work things out. That was last Friday. We had a serious talk and we realized we had given each other for granted and needed to work on going back to the way we were. We defined some actions like making sure we improved communication and work on some other issues that we both agreed where damaging our relationship. After this the weekend was GREAT. I felt so happy. He didn't have to leave until Monday so we had an extra day of just taking care of each other and (at least on my side) feeling grateful of being able to work on this relationship before it was too late.

 

Well, he left on Monday night and yesterday I noted him a bit distant but not too much (he does have a very stressful job so I understand he gets really tired). Today however, I called him during the day but he was distant. I said to myself "no worries, I'll talk to him in the evening when he is not so stressed". Well he hasn't picked his phone all night and won't answer my messages. The phone just rings and rings until it goes to the answering machine. He seemed to have answered once, I heard some loud music in the background but then hung up. I've been a wreck for the past 4 hours. We have not officially broken up but obviously something is wrong if he won't answer my calls and I know him too well to ignore that this is the end. Im DEVASTATED. I had planned to grow old with him, the few people who know about what's going on (common friends) are in shock, they think we were the perfect couple (I thought so too) and he has been my absolute best friend for a long time. He knows things about me I wouldn't tell anyone else and the thought of losing him is killing me. I love him SO SO much and I can't understand what happened. I'm sorry for the long post but I've never felt this way before even when I've had other relationships end before. And the fact that he won't answer my calls or messages...he knows what he is doing to me and doesn't care??? How did we end up here? Where did all that amazing love go?

 

I feel like I have no strenght...it just hurts too much and I don't want to even begin to try to understand because I never will...

 

I am sorry to hear about your pain . It certainly is puzzling what has happened but do you think it is also possible you are over-reacting about him not taking your call?

 

I am not sure what the dynamic of your relationship was when you were going through all of that stress with your job, but it could be possible that it created a lot of pressure for him and he began to withdraw. Just guessing of course.

 

It could be possible he is still adjusting to all of that and maybe tonight he felt like he needed a break and some space from that?

 

Until you speak to him and he confirms it's over I would not go assuming it so just yet, but the urgency and rash desperation of your post suggests it's possible that you still have not totally "evened" out so to speak with your emotions, and that can get exhausting for a partner.

 

Again, no clue just a shot in the dark based on what has been given.

[dragonfly22]

Hopin2heal, you might have a point there. I've always been a very career oriented person and before my last job I always LOVED my jobs, got along great with my bosses and have always been a top performer. But this time I hated the job, my boss was a horrible, HORRIBLE person and this had an impact in my performance, I just lost all motivation. This situation really got to me and I've been a total wreck and I do admit I completely neglected my bf during this time as I was too focused on figuring out how to get out of this situation without committing career suicide. It certainly didn't help that I had to travel a lot so sometimes I wouldn't be home for the weekend and we wouldn't be able to see each other in weeks. I do have to say, he behaved amazingly well and I don't know what I would've done without him during this time.

 

When we had our talk last week I told him I knew I had neglected him but now that I was out of that place I would focus in all those areas that were affected due to my depression, including my relationship with him. I also gained some weight and started a fitness program last week to go back to where I was and in general I kind of made a plan to get my life back to normal. My income is MUCH lower now as I'm freelancing while I get my life in order and then I will look for a full time job. He knows all of this and supports it.

 

I guess you are all right and I'm jumping to conclusions It's just this is not the way he behaves, he is always so attentive and loving, and precisely one of the actions we defined in our talk last week was to make some time to talk to each other every day, as with all the stress in our jobs we had stopped doing that and would spend days without talking to each other or just talking about my awful situation. So we made it a point to improve communication. But even if we didn't have our "daily conversation" because he was out with friends that would've been fine...and he knows it. Just a text and I wouldn't be freaking out about it. Anyway you are all right, I need to give him some time off. It breaks my heart, but there's no other way.

[dragonfly22]

I knew it...he just called to say its definitely over. He says he realized he doesn't love me anymore and he is not even interested in a friendship. He says he will pick up his things this weekend. I'm not crying but I guess I'm in shock and the crying will come later. So I guess this is NC Day 1. I never thought I would be ever going through NC with him. What a horrible horrible day it is today...

[dragonfly22]

I have a question for men in this place. In all my previous break-ups where I've been dumped, the dumper seemed genuinely sad. These relationships were nowwhere as long as my current (last?) one. I remember one guy I was completely in love with but he started having feelings for an ex-gf so he dumped me after six months. He genuinely felt awful and made sure through common friends that I was doing fine. After some time and once my feelings had faded we actually became really good friends and we still are, because in the end I realized he was not a bad person, he just made a horrible mistake and felt deeply sorry about it.

 

Now with my current ex, who broke up with me this morning, the story was completely different. When he called me he seemed to be extremely upset, treated me like crap (i had NEVER seen him treat me like this before, not even when he was upset, and i lived with him for 4 1/2 years!). He's actually a really nice person and I've never seen him treat ANYONE this way. He basically told me "I realized I don't love you, please don't call me EVER, and don't make this harder as I want to move on." When I asked him when did he start feeling this way (as he proposed in January) he raised his voice and said "stop the questions, it doesn't matter when it happened, it is what it is so stop trying to figure out the why's and just deal with it". I had to tell him to calm down and discuss this as adults but then he said "well, I'm going to be late for work because of you so i think this conversation is over, bye." His tone of voice showed disgust and anger, a tone of voice he never used before. And yes, he did this by phone. I was just SHOCKED. Up until yesterday, even when "distant" he was NEVER EVER that rude. Not in our 5 years together. He treated me like I'm the worst thing that happened to him. I could understand that treatment if I had cheated but all I've done since he dropped the bomb about being confused is listen to him and try to work in whatever he said bothered him. I guess deep inside he didn't really want to work on anything and that's fine but, where did all of that anger came from? It was like I was talking to a completely different person...

[ShoeGurl1973]

I had the same thing happen - everything was ok then boom, breakup was laid on me in the angriest, nastiest manner ever. I honestly didn't know where that anger came from - it didn't even seem to be the guy I had been with.

 

I actually went to see a therapist and they said that the meanness and anger is sometimes how people who can't handle sadness and guilt like to do go out - that way it makes it easier on them if they can attach hate and anger to you.

 

If thats what he needs to make it easy to walk away, then so be it. I know it will all hit him sooner or later and he'll wonder what in the heck he did and why he did it in the manner he did

 

It's just sad that now when I think of this person and our relationship I can't even look back on it fondly. I see this monster of a guy that appeared out of nowhere in the end and hurt me terribly.

 

I know what you are going through but be strong. Someone has to take the high road so at least take comfort knowing you didn't disrespect your relationship like he did.

[dragonfly22]

Hi, it's only day 1 and I can't stop crying. My poor mother came to see me and ended up crying from just seeing me in so much pain. She suggested I see a therapist and I will. As for my ex-boyfriend I got a text message from him in the afternoon. He said he doesn't regret our 5 year relationship, that for a long time what we had was great but it is over and he hopes I get to accomplish all my goals in life and he wishes nothing but the best. I asked him to stop sending these texts as they just make me feel even worse.

 

5 years. I was engaged. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this man. I love him to death. How do you stop loving someone who you thought would be a part of your life for many years to come. I'm exhausted but can't sleep as I just start crying everytime I try too. So.much.pain.

[Scott72]

Hi, it's only day 1 and I can't stop crying. My poor mother came to see me and ended up crying from just seeing me in so much pain. She suggested I see a therapist and I will. As for my ex-boyfriend I got a text message from him in the afternoon. He said he doesn't regret our 5 year relationship, that for a long time what we had was great but it is over and he hopes I get to accomplish all my goals in life and he wishes nothing but the best. I asked him to stop sending these texts as they just make me feel even worse.

 

5 years. I was engaged. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this man. I love him to death. How do you stop loving someone who you thought would be a part of your life for many years to come. I'm exhausted but can't sleep as I just start crying everytime I try too. So.much.pain.

 

You don't stop loving, but in time you'll be able to get over it. Time heals all wounds, but it's hard to get to that point. Just take it day by day and see friends, and keep yourself busy. Eventually you'll recover.

[ShoeGurl1973]

I know how you are feeling - go to the doctor and tell him what is going on. I did and my dr gave me some xanax to take away the anxiety and a low level anti depressant - both for one month only. I stopped the crying immediately the next day. It really helped take the edge off. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it and get a little sad, still try to make sense of everything but I'm not crying all day long and unable to sleep. I wish i had gone sooner - i spent a week and a half not eating, sleeping, and crying 24/7.

[dragonfly22]

So it's Day 2 and I feel better and crying less than yesterday. Falling asleep was so difficult and only got to sleep for about 3 hours before I woke up for good. Most of my ex-bf's things are in my place. I asked him yesterday when he plans to pick up his stuff and he said "we'll deal with that later, not now". I know he has next week off work and he will come back to our town (probably staying with his parents) but he won't let me know of a definite day when he will come to pick up everything.

 

Having all of his stuff around just keeps bringing sad memories. I'm packing everything in boxes so when he comes it doesn't take that long for him to pack everything to his truck and leave. Still I asked him yesterday to come pick up everything ASAP as I don't want his stuff here. He didn't answer. I sent him another text msg today telling him to please come and pick up everything THIS weekend and still nothing. Why does he have to make it so hard?? I want to move on and start my healing process and really feel like I can't if his stuff is around here for weeks (because that's what he implied in his first answer...that he might pick them up in a few weeks!!). I guess I believe if you are the dumper you do everything you can to avoid the dumpee to be in pain! And I told him seeing his stuff everywhere was painful!!

[ShoeGurl1973]

Yeah, my ex did that too. He wanted extra time to get his stuff. I told him no, have it out by tomorrow night and the locks are going to be changed the next morning. That's what you need to do, it helps you reclaim your power. Do it on YOUR terms, don't let him get his stuff when its convenient for him. That's the only way you can feel like you have the upper hand at the moment. Whether you realize it or not, he'll feel like you are the one throwing him out when he has to move his stuff out. And for gosh sakes, don't pack for him and make it easy! Tell him you'll be gone for x hours tomorrow and during that time he can get his things.

 

My ex texted me today after 4 weeks no contact. He said "I"m sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the mean things i said. I'm sorry for not trying harder." I didn't reply.

[heartogold]

It sounds to me like the guy has had alot of anger building up for quite sometime about somthing or another I use to get into arguments with my wife I thought diferent times that If I try to tell her how I feel it will just be a argument and I dont want one but then when the same things would be hapening over and over it worked like a trigger and then I would lose my temper and get loud. Thankfuly If I have somthing to say to her or anybody else I just tell them ant healthy to hold so much in. Its posible there was somthing he was wanting to tell you but held it in and then there was some kind of trigger.

[DayAfterDay]

Gosh...I totally know your pain, DragonFly. I'm so sorry you have to go through it.

 

My girlfriend left me a little over a year ago and I can sympathize with this because of how out of the blue it was. We were together for three years and she just wasn't in love with me anymore, no anger though, but I feel like in place of that she would say things that would give me false hope like that she can maybe see us getting together way down the line in the future and she'd like to be friends and see where things go. Maybe we can be friends one day, but not right now...

 

I swear to god I have never felt pain like that in my entire life. It was easily the most emotionally traumatic thing I've ever been through. 2010 was the worst year of my entire life. And I mark my 25th birthday, one month after she broke up with me as the worst day of my life. Holy **** I've never felt that terrible.

 

But it does get better. I can say that it hasn't "gone away"...but it has more or less just become more bearable. It was about a year and a month ago and I haven't talked to her in almost 8 months. I still think about her, but it doesn't effect me like it used to. I still miss her and I'd say I still love her, but its different...I'm detached from that situation and I've accepted that what is, is.

 

I wish you the best. YOU WILL MAKE IT. You will be fine, and you will be happy. Trust me.

[sabienne]

Hi dragonfly,

 

I've been lurking on these boards for a while but your story finally prompted me to join up and join in.

 

Why? I'm in the exact same position as you. Almost identical.

 

My boy of six years, fiance of two months left me a month ago. We got engaged in January also. He didn't offer any serious explanation, just that "things weren't working for him" and "they haven't been working for a while" and "things are at the point where they can't be improved". I did not see it coming and I was completely...I can't even think of words to describe the pain and agony of it all. I really, truly cannot. It's the worst feeling in the world, and my heart goes out to you because I know exactly how hard going things must be for you right now.

 

For the first two weeks, I did everything I now realise you aren't meant to do - I begged, screamed, pleaded, cried, tried to point out the good times, thought if I hung around constantly he'd realise how amazing I was and come back...yeah...needless to say, none of that worked I also got a lot of "we were great once, but we can't hold onto the past".He also ignored my texts when I asked him to come and get his stuff! Our situations are eerily similar...

 

Then I went NC for a week. In that week, I began to feel a lot more confident about myself. Yes, it was absolutely horrendous the first few days. About day five I had a complete and utter breakdown and had to put my phone in the trunk of my car and give the keys to my mom so I wouldn't be tempted to call or text him. But I felt like I could stand on my own two feet - with some help from mom!

 

After that week, I thought I was ok, and totally able to call him and be civil and cool and confident, so I sent him ANOTHER text asking when he would come and get the rest of his things from our apartment. Didn't ignore this one, instead he came over and...well...I wasn't ready to see him. Cue more tears and begging. Ugh. Finally, two nights ago, we went out for a drink (his idea...to clear the tension) and there was no fighting, no tears, no pleading...we just talked. Not about the breakup but about other things. It felt like we were back together and to be honest, it got my hopes up.

 

Then it hit me - it's not me that's the problem, it's him. He has some issues that are preventing him from being tied down at the moment, and no amount of lurking and reminding him how incredible I am *cough* will get him back. He needs to work through his personal issues before that even happens - and by then, I might just have moved on. From the sounds of it, your boy might be feeling exactly the same. FYI - my fiance is also 27. Maybe there's something about the age group?

 

I have since blocked his email, deleted his number and blocked his facebook - and those of his family and friends who might want to comment on him (I saw that on another of your threads, you were still talking to his family because you got along well. I have that problem too!) It took a whole month for me to get to this point, but here I am. Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still cry heaps? Sometimes. Am I still plagued with thoughts that he might be the one and I've lost the love of my life? Sometimes. Am I still scared of the future because I'm not sure if I will ever love again? Sometimes. Does part of me want him to bang down the door and beg for my forgiveness? Absolutely. I'll be honest here - I'm not over him, but I'm on the road to getting there.

 

The moral of all that (if you got this far!) is that, although it seems hopeless right now, things DO get better. They don't go away but slowly, and surely, they do. Live for each day. Try not to think about the future (I know, hard) and simply live. Look after you. Eat well, exercise, try and get some sleep, do things that YOU enjoy. The people on these boards are right, NC is the BEST way to move on and get over him, and it's wonderful you are trying to do that straight off the bat. I wish I'd been that strong.

 

ALTHOUGH - I have also learned that "sending him a couple of texts asking when he will get his stuff" counts as contact! True NC means just that NO CONTACT - because when you don't get any reply back, it HURTS. I know it's hard when you lived together. Box his stuff up, shove it in a spare closet, keep the door closed and let his confused ass do the work to come and get it. Not you!

[Atlantico]

I was the dumper once.

 

My then girlfreind had a super ego, would not come over many week-ends (LDR) and had this horrible habit of being anoyed if I called her during the day or when she was home early evenings. She also had this habit of negotiating all our love troubles in a way to teach me some lesson, or educate me for the future arrrggggg!!

 

One day I met another girl (my now wife) and I checked out.

 

I have learned that betrayal begins, not when you have an emotional of physical affair, but WHEN you stop loving your partner.

 

She, and her BIG ego, took it for granted and one day I flipped and said: its over. I still regret her enormous suffering over this. I only wanted it be over

[PinkChic]

Sabienne & Dragonfly,

 

Reading your two stories brought back such flashbacks for me... A couple years ago I was with my ex-fiancee for 5 years, we had a dog together, just bought a home together and were suppose to be walking down the aisle in 6 months when he started arguing with me about doorhandles, and that day we broke up and have never spoken since.

 

Currently, I'm going through a break up with a guy that I genuinely thought was "the one", he is infact a commitment phobe, which I should have seen all the signs from the very begining, however I'm not sure if that would have stopped me from falling inlove with him the way that i did.

 

Like you both, everything was perfect. We had not argued, in fact the weekend before we had gone away to a relaxing cottage on the lake, two days before we went for ice cream and he told me had never been happier and more inlove with me. The day he broke up with me, he passionately kissed me not even five minutes before he told me we were over. FOR GOOD. Since that day he has been nothing but cold and mean. A side of him I had NEVER seen before.

 

Being the person I am I couldn't just accept "my feelings changed", especially after the previous weekend... I started researching his personality and found the book "Men who can't love"... I encourage you to read this.. you will never feel the same ever again. I truly live by this book... One of the main things they talk about is that it is NOT your fault a man's alarm triggers in his head and decides to run. NOTHING you could have said or done would have changed it. It's like an actual fire alarm... it can go off day or night, at ANY TIME and all you can do is run to safety.

 

No contact is one of the HARDEST things to do. Essentially your ignoring the one person you love most, the one person you thought was going to protect you and always be there for you. However, no contact allows you to learn about yourself, heal and pick up the pieces to your heart...

 

I sure hope you girls stay apart of this board... I know with every reply or post I write it makes me feel that much better...

 

Just remember one day at a time...

[dragonfly22]

Hi everyone, this is a long post. This is such an emotional rollercoaster. At times I feel confident and think to myself "I will get through this and I will meet the right man for me", but then at times I think I don´t want another man as I already had the one and then I feel down again. Im so sorry for everyone else going through this. My father passed away less than 2 years ago from a very aggresive form of cancer. Seeing him slowly getting worse and in more pain was horrible and the pain I went through during his sickness and death was absolutely horrible. I can say the pain I'm feeling now is of that magnitude too. I never thought I could feel that much pain again in my life unless it was caused by a very similar situation of disease or death and then I realize, this is like a death. Is the death of my dreams, the death of my life until today (because you know when you are in such a serious relationship your life is planned around that relationship), and the fact that I now have to forget and stop communicating with my soulmate.

 

Anyway, I did something bad today. My friends planned a trip to the beach to get me out of the city. It seems like a good idea right? Well it wasn't. Sitting all day in front of the ocean makes you think A LOT. I've never liked to drink and only in social situations I might have a cocktail or a beer. Well today I had quite a few beers and you know what that leads to...sending text msgs to my ex. I had read this thread before and what heartofgold said really got me thinking. As I told you before my boyfriend seemed was rude and upset during our break up and he had never been this way before. When we talked that if I asked for reasons he would just say "i just don't love you anymore" and that's it. So I sent him this message today telling him I had joined a forum about relationships and break up advice, told our story and someone suggested that his reaction came from accumulated anger over specific issues. I told him I need to know if this was his case as this is something I would like to work on so my next relationship doesn't fail because of the same issues. Well, believe it or not he answered and listed 3 specific issues that had been upseting him for quite sometime. And you know what, I never payed attention to these things...but when he pointed them out and I started reviewing our relationship through the last year I realized he is right. Still he didn't say anything before! He said he tried to live with these issues until he realized he didn't want to anymore and that meant he didn't want to live with me.

 

So knowing this helped as Im getting answers but I still don't understand why he didn't say anything before. I recognize these issues were caused by me, I recognize I now see why he is so hurt and holds so much resentment, I recognize I was selfish and maybe deep inside I knew they could hurt him but I wanted things done my way. I know he has part of the blame by not communicating better, but guys today I believe I took him for granted and mistreated him by thinking he would always be there no matter what. :-(

 

I never thought my actions would have such an impact, but after some thinking today I realize that had he acted that way towards me I would also have lots of resentment accumulated. During this time he was still being the same amazing and supportive man I fell in love with. I understand now his anger towards the end is due to the fact that he blames me for the break up. It is not completely true as he should've talked about this with me, but I would say right now responsibility is 70% mine.

 

Well anyway, after that message and with the drinking I lost control of myself and started sending him more messages telling him how sorry I am for hurting him, how much I miss him, how I want a chance to make things right, to show him how much I care and to make up for the times I didn't treat him right. He answered with "You are young, you are amazing, and if you work on your selfishness issue you will not only find a great man, but will be able to have a long, great relationship with him." I kept sending him stupid messages and he of course stoped replying. I then went to have a nap and woke up feeling awful about what happened earlier so I sent him a message saying "I'm sorry for my drunken messages earlier. I understand we will never be together again and I respect it. I thank you for letting me know what lead you to make this decission and I'm terribly sorry for hurting you. It will be hard but I will do my best to let you move on so I won't talk to you ever again." I thought that would be it but then he answered "Only time will tell if we can get back together or not." WTF?? Does this mean he thinks there might be a chance to try again? Or do you think he might just have said it to end things on a more positive note?? I told him in my drunken messages that I planned to work on each one of the issues he mentioned, not for him but for me, to be a better person, and I really do.

 

However, I'm moving to Barcelona in September. We were supposed to be moving together but now he is staying here. So I replied "Im sorry but you know I'm moving to Barcelona in September. You are not ready to give me a second chance now and I'll be gone for 2 years. We both know we will meet other people and create new relationships. I can't expect that both of us will be in the same place emotionally and available when I return in 2 years so I better move on. Our time is now and you are too hurt now to give me a second chance so I better accept this is over." That was it. No more messages from either side and I will stick to NC now.

 

So...I think all in all, even though the break up wasn't exactly well handled by him, my relationship being over is based on some of my conducts. Yes, if he loved me he should've tried to talk to me about them, and give me a chance to work on them, so maybe he didn't love me so much, but I can't help to have this feeling that it was me who screwed up. He is an amazing man and Im only sorry he didn't give us a chance. Im soo sure we could've made it. But I guess he wants to see what's out there. See if maybe he could find someone to create a strong connection like the one we had and who doesn't take him for granted.

[DayAfterDay]

Dragonfly,

 

I have been following your story and as from by previous post I can definitely relate on a lot of levels to what you're going through. For many of us on here, an "emotional rollercoaster" is an understatement. It certainly was for me when I was going through my break up last year.

 

It's very common to blame oneself for the break up and go through the "woulda coulda shoulda" moments. Lord knows I did it. But breakups are never 100% one person's fault. I know how hard NC is…trust me, but you have to do it. My ex and I talked on and off for about 7 months until I completely cut the cord and it was the best thing for me (and probably her) to go our separate ways, let the emotional dust settle, and start doing our own things.

 

My ex definitely said a lot of things along the lines of the "only time will tell" message that you got. In my honest opinion from my experience, those are in most cases words of habit and natural reactions to loss, even if the loss was intentional. And as you probably know…actions speak louder than words. He knows how you feel and he knows that he can have you back if he really wants you. Both of you have not had a good amount of distance from the break up to see a lot of things clearly, and you will see your relationship with new eyes once you have that distance, trust me. Nobody can really say anything for sure as far as the future, but that's all part of the ambiguity of life in general.

 

My break up was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Hands down. I've never felt pain like that. But I have learned so much about myself in the past year, and I don't doubt you will too. Every relationship offers lots of lessons for yourself. Get new changes of scenery, meet new people, and keep yourself busy. I was extremely depressed for a long time before I realized that I was the only person that could pull me out of it.

 

I reassessed what I have control over and what I don't, you absolutely do not have control over another persons emotions, and ultimately their actions in most cases. But you absolutely have control over you and how you react to your emotions. More than you think. I have learned to detach myself from those negative emotions and control them. You'll learn it too, and time helps a lot. You will be fine. I wish you the best.

[maya arrow]

dragonfly,

 

i found your post here because i feel that my relationship of 3 years may be ending. words cannot express how much i love this man. he is my physical, intellectual ideal...he is the one i've waited my whole life to meet. when we met, we both fell head over heels in love and i could hardly believe such a beautiful man could ever love me so much. i moved countries for him, and for a while, we were so blissfully in love that we would go out with a group of friends and still somehow end up wrapped in each other's arms like no one else existed. yes...we were that annoying couple.

 

fast forward 3 years and i know now that being with The One has filled me with as much fear as happiness. as soon as i met The Perfect Man, i was afraid to lose him. and it made me insecure. and i showed him too much of that insecurity...leaned on him too much when i was depressed...and in the beginning, he was wonderful to me. but over time, it was too much of a burden for someone to bear. it wore on him.

 

i realise my mistakes, and realise that i lost myself when i found him...and i have been taking steps to take care of myself again, and be the confident, strong woman he fell in love with. but now he has honestly told me that he worries if we really are good together. we just talked last night, and the realisation that i may truly be losing him (instead of fearing i am losing him), hurts so much that i don't know if i can bear it. he says he still loves me, and that he isn't so unhappy that he wants to end things yet...but i notice little things. the way he doesn't really reach for me at night any more, or the way he doesn't really notice how i look anymore, or how he has stopped pulling me close to him to look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. when we argue, he seems tired and irritable...he doesn't seem present the way he used to be...the way he used to say he wanted to try as hard as he could to give me what i want.

 

i feel like i am on a cliff's edge and i don't know if there is any way back. i wonder if it is too late to feel like i can believe in us again. a stronger part of me wonders if i should let this wonderful man go--because i can see him pulling away. my pride tells me that i should say goodbye before he truly loses all love for me. another part of me says NO--that i can take what i have learned and turn this all around. i guess the reality is--i don't know what will happen. perhaps i should just cherish these days with him because they may be our last.

 

i don't know why i am writing except your words resonate with me. i know how that pain feels. i may be there quite soon.

[dragonfly22]

Hi Maya, I think we have the opposite problem. When I met my now ex-fiance I have to tell you I didn't think right away "this is the one". Actually I met him about 1.5 years before I started to feel attracted to him and at first I didn't even like him at all (I also was dealing with a previous break up at the time). It wasn't until a day when he had the chance to talk for a long time that we realized we had so much in common and started dating. The relationship moved fast and we spent a lot of time together since the beggining, he even moved in with me after only a few months. However in the beggining it was quite obvious that he was VERY much in love and I loved him but not as strongly as he did love me. I remember one of our first fights, I got really upset and went to another room to get away from him. He came after me crying his heart out and SHAKING. I was actually scared from his reaction to a simple fight. When I asked him why he was shaking like something awful had happened he told me "I'm just so afraid to lose you, I can't stand the thought of losing the woman I want to spend my life with". And we hadn't even been together for 6 months then. I think another woman would've freaked out but I didn't and eventually the love "evened out" and I did fall for him.

 

I knew he was the one when my father got sick in 2008. We had been dating for 2.5 years by then. My dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer which eventually took his life after 10 months. My ex behaved just as if he was another one of my father's children. You know the effects of chemo. Well my ex would help us take care of my dad when me, my brother or my mom couldn't, he would cry with me when we realized nothing could be done, he would clean buckets with vomit (sorry if this is TMI), take my dad to the toilet when he was too weak to do it on his own. Finally he was there in his death bed with us. When my dad was agonizing we were in the hospital for 5 days and nights so that he could see his family was there for him. My ex was there with us, he even took some vacation days to be there. I remember a nurse came in the room and saw the 3 of us (me, my ex and my brother) and asked my dad (at a time he was lucid) "oh, are these your children?" and my dad said "yes, the three of them are my children, together with my wife this is my family" We had a final family photo session with my dad and my ex is there. That really sucks right now because those photographs are SO special for me and he is in all of them now. :-( A week or so before he passed my dad told me he loved my ex like a son, that he had behaved so well in this situation and that he was happy to know that I had found such an amazing man to spend my life with. That he could die in peace knowing that I had found an excellent partner for life. The way he behaved overall made me think there was no doubt, he was the man for me.

 

The thing is, we were so perfect together that I never thought he could eventually leave. You say you were always so afraid of your boyfriend leaving, well I wasn't. I took him for granted and thought no matter what he would always be there. And this has been an awful wake up call for me. I don't think he will come back but if I ever get to have something like this with someone else I've learned my lesson.

 

In your situation I would say communication is the key. The good thing is he loves you and he is not ready to give up yet. This is a GREAT advantage and this is your opportunity to make things better. I didn't have this, I just got a "sorry, I don't love you anymore and I'm moving on". Have you thought about going to couples counseling? Do you have any hobbies or anything you might want to pursue? I think it is important for your boyfriend to see that you have a life that doesn't revolve around him all the time. That you are an independent woman. Also LISTEN to him carefully. Get him to open up to you. Make a list of the things that bother him and think about them. Is he right? Do you also think those are issues you have to work on? Have an improvement plan with clear objectives for both of you. I really wish you the best of luck, and as I said before, at least you are talking about it, you have identified the problem before it is too late and you CAN save your relationship.

 

If you need to talk to someone you can PM me or just keep us updated in this thread. I honestly wish the best of luck to you and hope you can save your relationship.

[dragonfly22]

Today has been a much better day. It's day 4 since the breakup and the first day that I've actually managed to stick to NC. It has been HARD but I have to do it. After all what DayAfterDay says is completely true, he knows how I feel, he knows right now I would take him back if he just told me he was sorry, but he doesn't want that so no texts, calls or e-mails will change his mind. Telling me "only time will tell if we get together or not" shows that he thinks I'll be waiting for him to find himself and that's not going to happen.

 

Today I've been mostly calm, not many tears I must say. I don't know where this calm came from. Especially since it's been only 4 days. However I'm starting to accept the fact that it is over. I still have moments when I think he will somehow realize what awful mistake he is doing, but most of the time I know he doesn't care.

 

I forgot to tell you before that he did come to pick up his stuff last Friday. As the breakup had been over the phone I asked him if we could have a face to face conversation. He asked what for (in the same awful tone of voice he has been using these days). Anyway he accepted and we went to a park nearby. I did the talking, I accepted some mistakes I made during our time together and told him I thought whatever felt wrong I was sure we could work on. He said he knew our problems were solvable but the truth was he didn't really want to work on them. I then told him if he gave us another chance I promised to work hard on whatever he thought we needed to improve, that I would even move with him now that I'm freelancing, so that we could work on our relationship without having to worry about the long distance issue. He remained silent. When I asked him what he thought about it he just said "i've made my mind. this is over". The whole time he was crying his eyes out. Before he said he had made his mind by the way he was crying I thought he was going to say "ok, lets give it another try", but he didn't.

 

I finally asked him if there was someone else. He told me no, he was ending our relationship because of us, not because of a third person. However he told me he feels like he wants to go out with other people and there's a co-worker he has always found interesting and will pursue now that he is "single". You don't know how much it hurt when he referred to himself as a single man pursuing another girl. Anyway we went back home, I gave him back my engagement ring and wedding band. He then started acting as if nothing had happened, telling me about work and life, just as we talked everyday when I was his girlfriend still. He then said "don't wait for me to come back please". I told him I wouldn't. He then said "I hope you understand I do love you". So I told him "I know you love me, you are confused now and I don't know why but I know the best I can do is leave you alone for you to figure out whatever internal conflict you have" He nodded. And that was it.

 

I have been thinking about this, combined with what happened yesterday with the text messages. I keep blaming myself for the issues in our relationship but at the same time the more I think about it the more upset I am. How could he tell me he will pursue a colleague now that he is single?? How come he didn't want to talk to me face to face and seemed bothered by it? By the way for about 30 minutes he couldn't look me in the eyes. I had to tell him to do so. And the tears, now I'm thinking they were not sadness but maybe guilt? How can someone who loved me so long treat me so bad. I actually asked him why he was using this tone of voice with me and he said "because I need to make it clear to you that there's no turning back". This is so hard. He had never been this way towards me. I just don't get the hate and then the next day I get "only time will tell if we end together". So, NC it is. I'm just so broken hearted and so frustrated for having spent 5 years with a man I thought I knew like the palm of my hand but I really didn't know AT ALL!