North by Southeast Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Hi all, I'm having an issue with my girlfriend of six months. I love her very much, and I feel that we've had a good relationship so far. The one issue that has cropped up several times in one form or another is how often we see each other. We only live a couple of miles from each other (we usually take public transit), and a few months ago, how often we saw each other became a bit of an issue for me. I felt that we might not be seeing each other enough - I never really got angry at her about it, but I was visibly/obviously frustrated. Anyway, my girlfriend has been out of work for a while and has been searching for jobs for some time now. Additionally, she is having some issues with her family (that lives several states away) - her mother has a chronic illness that has caused tension between her and her family. She's a rather low-maintenance girl when it comes to her disposition; she's usually very down-to-earth, open-minded, understanding, and rarely gets very upset. However, she has some other health-related issues. She has ADD and a very mild form of dyslexia, migraines, insomnia (meaning she's constantly tired), and has felt "funny" off and on the past few months from the hormones from the birth control she's on. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I was a little annoyed at first our expectations didn't really match up with regard to seeing each other, but we talked about it a few times and ultimately, I think, worked it out. She explained that, because of some of her various conditions, she has to often work by herself (i.e., concentrate on the job search), sometimes sleep alone due to her insomnia, and sometimes have days to herself (which of course we all do). After she explained this to me and I internalized it, I was really okay with it and we moved past it. Fast forward to this past week. Because of job-search related things that kept cropping up, she cancelled on me three straight times. I was very frustrated at the cancellations - I did not get directly mad at her, but I was obviously upset at the situation. Anyway, I apologized to her and told her I'd try not to do it in the future. Everything kind of came to a head last Saturday. We went on a day trip and then came back to the city where we live to have dinner. Things seemed to be going okay. Then, she suddenly seemed to get kind of quiet. I asked her what was wrong, and she asked whether she could just go home and sleep by herself after we went back and had sex (we had not had sex in quite a while, because it is physically painful for her - I'm the first person she's ever been with). She gets in these kinds of moods sometimes, and normally I'm fine with it, but I got really frustrated again when she asked me, because she already bailed out on me so much last week (and this time we were in the middle of a date), plus I was wondering how I would possibly get to the point where she actually WANTED to have sex with me instead of looking at it as a chore (which I can't really blame her for, as it does hurt her). It turned into a big mess where we both ended up in tears in my car. I felt awful for getting upset over something that was not even really her fault. The thing that worried me, though, is that she said something along the lines of, "I don't know if we can be together down the road if my life becomes more chaotic/things get worse for me." That really scared me. Since that night, we had several conversations about it. The most productive one we had was probably today, where I was able to stay on an even keel and not be overly emotional. I promised her that I wouldn't get upset any more when she couldn't see me or had to bail out, because it was almost never her fault when she had to, and that seeing her often wasn't even a big deal to me - I acted like it was because I had some stupid image in my mind of what a relationship "should" be, but I was actually happy with seeing her the amount that I did. Anyway, she told me that she loves me, she wants to be with me, and is not considering breaking up with me. However, she also said that she couldn't "make promises about the future." I asked her if this was due to her feeling like she couldn't "give me enough" because of how I had gotten upset at points when she couldn't see me or when she had to cancel. I promised her that it really was okay, the way she had to schedule things, and that I was all right with it and wouldn't get upset about it. She said she trusted me and appreciated that, but there seems to be something else at play. She said she THINKS that this has more to do with her than with me. She said that things would have to get worse for her to want to break up with me, but she couldn't elaborate on that, but she "really does not want that to happen." We're not talking again until Sunday, because she said she needs some space to actually figure out how she feels. This week is also super-stressful for her, since she has three job interviews and a boatload of work to do with respect to applying for other jobs. And, like I said, I think she needs more room to concentrate than the average person. The very last thing I want is for her to feel unfit to be in a relationship with me because her life doesn't permit her to "give me what I need." I've realized that all I need is what she can give me. I have told her this and I think she knows I'm telling her the truth. But she does want to put this behind us, she says. I just don't want her feeling apprehensive that I will continue to be upset or unduly frustrated at the way her schedule works out, or how often we can have sex (she wants to keep working at sex so it becomes less painful and ultimately enjoyable for her). I know she trusts me when I say I won't, because I really do feel like I'm over all that stuff, but I wonder if that's enough. She also says she needs to work on "her side" of things, i.e., getting her life together. What do you guys think? Does this sound like something that will blow over once she gets some time and space, and things will be fine? Or should I be more worried?
Enchanted Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 You should be more worried. I think you sound like an extremely sweet guy and she's very, very lucky to have you, but she sounds immature and not ready for a relationship or a commitment. And not serious about you. You remind me of myself with my ex. He said he couldn't spend time with me and couldn't do sexual stuff with me and he always had "reasonable" reasons for being that way. But the truth is, you've said repeatedly how you are sacrificing what you want so she can be comfortable without mentioning once how she's going out of her way in any way shape or form to comfort you and meet your needs. This sounds like a one-sided relationship to me. And the words "I can't make any promises about the future" always mean that the person doesn't see you in their future and aren't working towards you having a future together. I was engaged to my ex and every time I asked him when we'd set a date for the wedding he'd say he couldn't make promises about the future or set a date yet because he had too much going on. And he did this to me for years. Please, please get out of this relationship. You deserve better. But don't stop being such a nice guy. There's a shortage of your type in the world.
Author North by Southeast Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) You should be more worried. I think you sound like an extremely sweet guy and she's very, very lucky to have you, but she sounds immature and not ready for a relationship or a commitment. And not serious about you. You remind me of myself with my ex. He said he couldn't spend time with me and couldn't do sexual stuff with me and he always had "reasonable" reasons for being that way. But the truth is, you've said repeatedly how you are sacrificing what you want so she can be comfortable without mentioning once how she's going out of her way in any way shape or form to comfort you and meet your needs. This sounds like a one-sided relationship to me. And the words "I can't make any promises about the future" always mean that the person doesn't see you in their future and aren't working towards you having a future together. I was engaged to my ex and every time I asked him when we'd set a date for the wedding he'd say he couldn't make promises about the future or set a date yet because he had too much going on. And he did this to me for years. Please, please get out of this relationship. You deserve better. But don't stop being such a nice guy. There's a shortage of your type in the world. I appreciate your compliments, and I see what you are saying. But do let me ask you something (and I'm not just doing this because you didn't say "you'll be fine"). I know for a fact she really does feel bad when she can't see me. And maybe I did look at things as "sacrifices" in the past, but now I really think I was being a little too demanding. Under normal circumstances, I'll say we see each other around three times a week (sex is less often because it hurts for her). But now, I really do feel like I'm not giving up much, and she does make me very happy with what she can give me. She truly does care for me - she feels incredibly guilty whenever I even spend a few dollars on her when we are out, and sometimes tries to pay me back to the point where she's almost forcing money into my hand (I'm a student and not exactly rolling in dough, either, but she's been so under the gun with money I don't mind pitching in a little for her.) I feel like I can't expect someone who really needs time to concentrate on finding a job to see me all the time, or to have sex with me when it's barely pleasurable and very painful. (If she can't find a job, she will have to move back home, which is several states and hundreds of miles away, so giving up time now so she can get a job is a lot better than losing her altogether.) I think she is very serious about me, but a lot of things are just getting in the way. So, I ask - is a relationship actually one-sided just because there are a lot of external "roadblocks?" I wonder if me being upset in the past has made her feelings toward me cool off a little... Edited April 14, 2011 by North by Southeast
Enchanted Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Okay, let me say this . . . . It's possible that she's really as wonderful and as dedicated to the relationship as you say she is, but . . . . I think you are just in love with her. When you are in love with someone sometimes the sacrifices you make seem smaller than they actually are because you just want them to be happy, but they should be feeling the same feelings towards you. And I know from experience that when I am less interested in a man, I'm less interested in sex with him, lower maintenance (not that I'm high maintenance the majority of the time, but still, I'll feel guilty asking them for anything because I know I'm going to hurt them), I make excuses a lot to not talk to them or see them, and I'll keep things vague and prevent myself from getting into any kind of commitment with them. And I'll often do it by insulting myself (because I feel guilty for what I am doing to the man), by saying that I'm an undependable and horrible person. It's almost as if I'm trying to warn them through hints what is going to happen. I may just be projecting my own personality onto your girlfriend, but that's what it sounds like to me.
Author North by Southeast Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Okay, let me say this . . . . It's possible that she's really as wonderful and as dedicated to the relationship as you say she is, but . . . . I think you are just in love with her. When you are in love with someone sometimes the sacrifices you make seem smaller than they actually are because you just want them to be happy, but they should be feeling the same feelings towards you. And I know from experience that when I am less interested in a man, I'm less interested in sex with him, lower maintenance (not that I'm high maintenance the majority of the time, but still, I'll feel guilty asking them for anything because I know I'm going to hurt them), I make excuses a lot to not talk to them or see them, and I'll keep things vague and prevent myself from getting into any kind of commitment with them. And I'll often do it by insulting myself (because I feel guilty for what I am doing to the man), by saying that I'm an undependable and horrible person. It's almost as if I'm trying to warn them through hints what is going to happen. I may just be projecting my own personality onto your girlfriend, but that's what it sounds like to me. Perhaps you're right. A lot of those things sound like her. Or maybe it's just you. Hard to say. Thanks for the input, though - I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. The thing that I think makes her potentially different from what you're describing is her various conditions - constant tiredness from insomnia, needing to be alone to concentrate on the job search without me there to distract her (b/c like I said, she'd have to move away if she can't find work), and the fact that sex hurts her (not just a low sex drive). She always seemed to really enjoy my company and seemed to love me/care for me very much. It has seemed we simply had different "thresholds" regarding how much to see each other. And she acknowledged that things seemed "unbalanced" and that I gave up more for her than she for me. I don't think she's being dishonest and planning to dump me at some point - she says she really doesn't want to. I just don't know... Still though, I'll try to brace myself in case the worst does happen.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Perhaps you're right. A lot of those things sound like her. Or maybe it's just you. Hard to say. Thanks for the input, though - I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. The thing that I think makes her potentially different from what you're describing is her various conditions - constant tiredness from insomnia, needing to be alone to concentrate on the job search without me there to distract her (b/c like I said, she'd have to move away if she can't find work), and the fact that sex hurts her (not just a low sex drive). She always seemed to really enjoy my company and seemed to love me/care for me very much. It has seemed we simply had different "thresholds" regarding how much to see each other. And she acknowledged that things seemed "unbalanced" and that I gave up more for her than she for me. I don't think she's being dishonest and planning to dump me at some point - she says she really doesn't want to. I just don't know... Still though, I'll try to brace myself in case the worst does happen. It's hard to say because people who behave like I do often come up with legitimate sounding reasons or exaggerations to explain their behavior. But sometimes legitimate reasons sound legitimate because they are legitimate.
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