jeweleestar Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 So, another day passed and I am still making it. I catch myself still trying to bargain/convince myself that I meant more, that he wasn't intentionally hurting me. Once I realize I am doing it I pick up a pen and start writing the many reasons that I cannot continue. I keep a notepad in my car and will just write all of the bad things that I feel when it comes to him. I have never been someone that journals, but I seem to be filling up page after page of negativity. When I put the pen down, I feel better. I have read many of your stories, and know that the pain that I am feeling will take some time to go away. I have tried to stay busy, plan things with friends that I have neglected, etc. But, he seems to always be in the back of my mind. Damn him for that!!! It has been a couple of days since I have heard anything from him, sadly part of me is mad that he hasn't contacted me. I hate that I will pick up my phone if I have been away from it to see if his name is there. It makes it a little easier when I don't have something to think about responding to. I can only hope that his name won't show up on my phone again.
26pointblue Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I know what you're going through. So many mixed emotions. For me it's like any break-up - which is hard - but also there's this sense of, 'I thought it was going to work out, but it didn't' that's so confusing & hard to get over. It's different than in a normal relationship because we were always hoping for something that never came to be. We wanted more & never got it. But on the other hand, that should be an additional reason we tell ourselves it's good we got out - because we never had what we wanted in the first place!
26pointblue Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Meant to add, I think you are doing well under the circumstances, just keep it up. I like your idea of keeping a list of all the reasons you're glad you're not with him, but for me that would get to be so much negativity & also keep me focused on him - maybe I'll do it now which I'm naturally focused on him but then really try to forget all of that & not even think about him. And to balance it out, here is something that helps me, that's positive, & which may help you too - I keep thinking, I am going to love myself in the ways that MM loved [which weren't enough of course] as well as in the ways he didn't. For instance, I like how he always brought me burritos & coffee in the mornings. So I am going to make myself breakfast & take good care of myself because I really don't need him to take care of my eating needs, ha ha, I should do that myself & make myself happy instead of rushing out late without breakfast. Soon I hope this will help me not miss him bringing me burritos! Because I have myself for that [except I'm making oatmeal instead of buying burritos because I'm trying to save money & calories, ha ha] - & a new pattern will replace the old. [Plus, it helps to remind myself that he only brought me burritos when he felt bad about not being able to spend the night - all of his kind gestures were in reality a way to make up for the things he couldn't really give me, namely full-time love & exclusivity! But that is a slightly different train of thought.] Or, I really liked how MM & I would cuddle & watch movies. So I am going to take the time now & again to rent a movie & cuddle with my pets, & ask my friends if they would like to see certain movies with me - the ones I usually would tell MM I wanted to see with him. I also liked how MM would compliment me & tell me all the things he loved about me, so I'm going to compliment myself & tell myself things I love about me! It seems silly but it works, for me. Also I would have liked him to be there for me full-time, & to have paid more attention to my needs, so I'm going to do that for myself. I will always be here for myself & pay attention to my needs & how to best fulfill them. And that's another thing - to think about all the aspects of your life you missed out on when you were with MM & strengthen them now. I have friends I haven't seen in ages because they didn't know about MM & I didn't want to make plans with them that coincided with when MM might be available, & I'd rather hang out with my friends who knew about MM so that he could come too if he wanted. Plus those friends just didn't know what was going on in my life & we didn't have much to talk about compared to those who did. So now I've touched base again with those friends & set up plans to do things - which is much better than sitting around wondering if MM's going to be available! Also MM & I spent a lot of our evenings drinking at happy hours & such, or just laying around being lazy & having sex etc., so now I am trying to make my evenings productive, healthy, & about me. I've been going to the gym after work & trying to clean my house & make healthy meals. I do go out with friends sometimes & drink but that's still better I think that the almost daily drinking routine with MM. I know these ideas are specific to me but maybe you can tweak them for you - if nothing else, take a nice relaxing bubble bath & listen to music you like or read a good book - something just for you, & tell yourself you are going to give yourself the things you deserve, since MM couldn't. I hope I've helped some, good luck. You can do this!
Flabbergaster Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 xMM thoughts: So, another day passed and I am still making it. I catch myself still trying to bargain/convince myself that I meant more, that he wasn't intentionally hurting me. I'll bet you did mean a lot to him, that he wasn't intentionally hurting you. I can also say...that's just not good enough, for you. You deserve someone who can reciprocate your love completely, who won't hurt you by making you suffer. He can choose you, or he can walk away. If he walks away...lots of reasons, don't think it's because you aren't worthy. Heck, he's probably too emotionally flawed to know the right choice to make anyways. Once I realize I am doing it I pick up a pen and start writing the many reasons that I cannot continue. Very good to remind yourself of the pain. Because even if he did care...it just isn't enough. The journal shows all the pain you would have to endure, because he can't be THERE for you. it will prevent you from selling yourself short and calling him, when you have a good memory. I hate that I will pick up my phone if I have been away from it to see if his name is there. It makes it a little easier when I don't have something to think about responding to. I can only hope that his name won't show up on my phone again. Have you del'd his contact from phone, yet? If not...it sounds like you're strong enough to do that. You're not the only one that picks the phone up, hoping to see a call or msg. First few weeks after, I found it best to leave my phone turned off for lengths of time. Gives the phone less ability to conjure false hope. Left it at office weekend, once or twice (on purpose). If it means anything...quite possible that he's in a lot of pain, as well. That doesn't mean you should contact him or welcome him back; I'm telling you for your pride. Because sometimes the pain comes from thoughts of them "unaffected" while we are in pain. Maybe the difficult part was that he had so many things you wanted...just not enough (like, availability)? So it hurts because it was so close to good. Well...close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, or so they say. If this is the case...i'll bet there is a [single] guy that can come closer. But first, it's time for you to cry, to let go, to heal, to smile again.
Author jeweleestar Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Wow! Both of you had such good things to say that I really needed to hear. I am really trying to work on me. I have been going to the gym almost every evening because it is really hard for me to work out and think of him. I sat outside and enjoyed a glass of wine with a friend and her husband. I was worried that this would make me want to be with him, but it reminded me of what a real relationship is. The good thing is that there are a lot of things that I have to do to keep me busy right now. I can delete him from the phone, but if I do the number can still pop up. I don't have the ability to block a number, trust me I have tried. I won't lie, I want him to miss me. I want him to contact me. Heck, at some points I want him to say I choose you! So, I know that it is still a volatile situation and if I am drinking I better hide my phone!!! My cell is the only way my family can reach me, but I have gotten where I keep it on silent or leave it in my car when I am out. I am trying to not be so dependent on my phone. I feel myself getting stronger each day, but I also know how vulnerable I still am. There is still the potential for me to take two, or twenty steps back. So, I keep writing about how I have been hurt or how I feel when he doesn't call. Those reminders are good for me to remember why he doesn't need to be in my life. Thank you both, I appreciate your words as I try to work through this.
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