phn guy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hey All! Ive been reading the forum for about a week. It has some good insight on what I will/have been going through. Here are some background details. Me and my now X have been together for about 5 years. This has also been a long distance relationship. I have known her on since grade school, but just got recently got back in touch with her 5 years ago through work. I thought she was the one for me once we started talking again through im's at work than started phone conversations. A few weeks of talking we finally had the chance to meet again. It was love at first sight for the both. The relationship just blossomed from there. Daily calls, texts, and im's at work. We would visit each other maybe every three months for the first year or so. As the feelings grew it became once a month trips to visit each other. I did most of the travelling cause of our work schedules. We became very close. We met each other families and friends. We had great times with each other. She would surprise me with things that no one has ever done or thought of doing. She has made vacations happen for no special occasion just to surprise me and we were together. I would do everything I could for her. I would bring things down with me that she was not able to get were she lives. Even in the first year of talking we were very fond of each other. We actually started talking about the future (marriage, children). The one thing stopping us was the job relocation for her. I told her I would move down there but she didnt want that. She didnt want me to leave my family and friends cause of her. I told her I loved her so much I would do it. She insisted not to. She wanted to move up were I was cause she had family up here to and would have more support when we would get married and have children. We started looking at houses but could not seem to find anything we can agree upon. I still live at home with my family. I know that is a big issue but she said she didnt have a problem with that cause we were looking for a home together. After that week passed we just went on our way still talking, texting, and im'ing. That same year I proposed to her. She was very happy that we were moving forward in our life. Last year we looked at places again and still couldnt find anything. I mean she found many houses that she liked but I couldnt see myself in them. I know that was probably one of my issues. I should have settled for a house she liked and I would be in the situation that I am in. I thought things were still going fine. Until last week she calls me from work and says we need to talk. I was like uh oh what did I do this time. All she said was that I cant do this anymore. I dont feel the same anymore. I dont want to try anymore. I dont want you to contact me as this was it. I will mail your stuff back and the stuff you have of mine you can drop it off at her cousins house. I am still devastated. I thought things were ok. I thought that if anything was wrong we could have talked things through. I just tried calling her one time 3 days after her breaking up with me. Well actually I called 2 times left 2 messages and 3 text messages. No response. But I did get a response from my best friend. She called him and told him to tell me that it was over and to please stop contacting her. She did send out a mass text to her friends though saying that since I became close to some of them that she hopes her friends and coworkers would still be friends with me and dont think any different of her or I cause of the break. I contacted a 2 of her friends and they were very sorry for what happened and if I ever needed to talk they were there for me. One of her other friends told me that they talked and she told me that the X believed it would be easier for me if we didnt communicate for awhile so that it will be easier for me to move on. But they also talked and said that maybe someday we can become friends again. My heart truly sank when she said this I guess it truly is over. I asked one of her friends if my pictures are down from work and she said yes. I asked if she still wears the engagement ring, she said no. Everyone keeps telling me to move on but we all know how hard that is since it has only been a week and we think the person we are with is the love of our life. My parents are hurt cause of the way she broke up with me. **on a sidenote** I went to visit her in Feb and she visited me in just last month. Everything seemed fine. She did her usually hugging and crying with the family so I thought all was normal. *** I got pretty close with her mom. I am sure she knows that we broke up. I dont know whether to call her and tell her I am sorry that things didnt work out, but than I am afraid that that would make the X angry and never really talk to me again. What can I do to either fix this or just move on and try to fix myself? Sorry for the long story. There are other things I can add if people want to read. Thanks for listening.
zakfar Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 First of all, you need to understand that your situation has nothing to do with any of the decisions you made. You didn't like the house, and you didn't accept it, not a big deal. The situation you are in would have also be there if you have already bought a house. In fact, the situation would be worse. Second thing, you say 'We broke up'. You are wrong. You didn't break up. She simply left you. One of the reasons can be GIGS (Grass is Green Syndrome). Search the board if you don't know what's that. There is a thread with details. There can also be another reason, like she has found someone else, though at least one of her friends would have learned about her new relationship, and as there were no reference to that by anyone, there is very little chance of that. You know yourself that you need to make yourself strong and face this reality. Life doesn't end with one person. I can understand that you enjoyed your time with her, and I can indeed understand how you're currently feeling. But you need to understand that all this 'Pain' can end, if you want to. Keep yourself busy in the things you like, and avoid her 'Good Memories'. If she comes up in your mind, those should be only the memories of her 'Fights' and 'Bad times' with you, and you would be able to forget her. It will take some time, but you will be recovered. I hope it helps. Zakfar.
Exit Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Yeah, don't look back with regret now on things like not agreeing on a certain house or whatever, you were just being honest with yourself, it's not like you were refusing to choose a house just to hurt her. When you're the breakup victim you start regretting things that you shouldn't even feel bad about. You didn't do anything wrong. And even if you did, guess what, the solution is for the other person to care enough to bring it up and talk about it, not just leave you. There are very few things aside from cheating or other horrible behaviors that can't just be sit down and talked about. If she was that bothered about not picking a house, she could have sat you down and said it was going to jeopardize the relationship if you didn't hurry up and choose something soon. People who bottle up what they are thinking and don't know how to communicate are the cause of the problem, not you. Unfortunately, to the point at hand, for someone to cut contact so quickly, to contact your friend and tell them to ask you to leave her alone, she is definitely gone. It's not all that bad, at least you have a definite answer. I agreed to say goodbye to my ex a few days ago and we walked away after saying we would agree to meet someone soon, and our future together wasn't totally impossible and still could happen. From your perspective that might sound like a great position to be in. It's not. I can't move on knowing that there's still a chance, I can't wait around forever either. We victims suffer from "Grass is greener syndrome too", if you get total no contact from an ex, you might be envious of someone who has an ex who offers to talk again some day. If you have an ex who offers to talk again some day, you might envy the people who got a true clean break and at least know they need to just move on. The grass is always greener... She sounds pretty decided buddy. If she thought you weren't committed or something or whatever the reason might be, it was her choice to let things get to the point of no return instead of talking to you and saying "hey, something is bothering me and i really dont want us to lose each other, lets figure it out". It's THAT simple for the exes to have made an effort. Instead we sit here and blame ourselves for not being able to read their minds. Screw that. Caring about someone means if they ask you for something, you will do everything in your power to do it. And that's where it ends. If they don't ASK for things out loud and expect mind reading or some other form of magic, or think just because you love them you'll automatically know what they want, that's their problem. Best of luck. We've got a hard road ahead.
Author phn guy Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 I guess I haven't truly accepted it yet. I talked last night with her best freiend and they were even shocked that she broke things off. I need to find a way to move on but I can't. Her friend told me that she was given very little info on why she broke up with me and that she was truly sorry. She advised if I ever needed to talk that I can call at anytime. She will try to get more info for me. It is hard for me to let go since she was the first person I ever let get into my life that closely. And we really never had any fights, just a few small ones here and there but nothing we couldn't get over and resolve. From what I know of her past this is how she deals with a relationship she doesn't want. She left her last x the same way. They only recently saw each other cause of the x's father passing. Other than that there was no other communication until than. As for another person that simply is not happening. She would never cheat. She gets mad at her friends who are married or with someone and they are talking to other guys/girls. In the break up conversation she said that it was her not feeling it anymore and its been like that for awhile. I just didn't see it coming. Everything seemed to be fine. I was ready to get any house she wanted when she was suppose to come here in june. I would do anything to get her back. I guess I will try to make this NC thing work for me and maybe in time she will realize what she has lost in me. She told me I am a great guy and has done everything and more she wanted. I guess I didn't do enough. Maybe one day she will contact me and we can talk about things and whatg went wrong. I'm in my 30s and was hoping she was the one. I need to move on. I can't. I might go seek help. Thanks for listening and your opinions. Keep them coming.
Author phn guy Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Also about the house if we did get the house things would be different cause it would have been a change and a movement forward to the future. Atleast she would see we were moving forward and not just stagnant in not doing anything at all. I need to start moving forward but for some reason I can't do it. I need to give in that it is over and if things can go back to the way it was it would be great. I guess I will just have to move on and have her try and contact me when she is ready if ever =(
Author phn guy Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 I'm just reading G.I.G.S. I believe I may be going through this. Time for me to man up give some space and try to heal myself. Thanks for some suggestions. I welcome them all. I'll be reading through the site to gain more knowledge.
Author phn guy Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Day 9 since she left me. I guess there are many up and downs in the road to recovery. I felt like s*&t yesterday. But this more I feel ok. Today it seems like I am ok she left. I am starting to understand that the distance played a major roll in the relationship. I feel that guys handle it alittle better than woman do. I still have a love for her in my heart cause of the things she has done for me. She opened me up to new things and places. I hope to one day get in contact with her to thank her and I understand what she did was the best for the 2 of us. We make have been a couple for 5 years but with the distance and visits it may have only been maybe a 2-3 relationship. I just wish it could have been just a little longer so we could make it work this year. I guess in time I will fully heal. I am understanding were she is coming from. There are more fish in the sea and I guess I was a fish she had to throw back. It was good while it lasted but life has to go on. She has put me through NC for these 8 days do you think I should contact her and let her know when she is ready I am able to talk or should I wait for her to make initial contact? I know there are still feelings in each of us or it maybe just too soon and I may drift back into sadness. But doing well this morning. Let's see how the rest of the day goes.
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