downinthedumps Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Firstly im battling serious insecurity and jealousy at the moment and am about to start councelling for it and get my self feeling confident again. I am in a LDR with my boyfriend. He took a part time job as a manager a night club where he goes in just to make sure everythings running ok and everyone is there then leaves. He mentioned it to me and I said no I wasnt comfortable with it, then nothing happened for a few weeks later they offered a lot of cash to do it, do you want it yes or no on the spot so he went for it. He made a mistake doing this and not talking to me first which he apologised profusely for but he didnt see it impacting us much and saw my reasons as silly (being insecure about it) and saw it as a great opportunity for us to get ahead, he isnt drinking there he is working and is committed to it for 3 months. Apparently once its up and running he wont need to be there at all and just make a phone call but he needs to find new/better staff so that he doesnt have to and its not the lifestyle he wants, its just money. He wants to improve the image of the bar as well and asked him does that mean getting hot girls working there and he said yes, it is just part of the business.. Ive been really struggling with dealing with this then now I have another problem .. He and his friends have recently become friends with a girl that works at another bar where they have a drink after couple of times a week, she is also best friends with another girl he works with. We were invited to this girls party but he didnt want to go last weekend. We bumped into her at a cafe that day and said thats the girl whos party it was and he knew her from saying hello at this other bar. I asked if she was single and he told me she also has just split with her boyfriend and seems to be very cool and outgoing.. and pretty. Since the weekend he has now added her to his social networking site along with his other friends. Im also pretty sure part of the reason is that he will be lining her up for a bar manager job at his work .. I havent said anything about it to him and he hasnt said anything about her further or his intentions with the bar as it is a very sore point at the moment with us and we have just been trying to get back on track after fighting the last 2 weeks. Im really not comfortable with him making new female friends and I dont know what to do, hes getting really fed up with my insecurity and jealousy and its starting to badly effect our relationship. He has quite a few other female friends which Im ok with and he has said to me in the past he is allowed to have male and female friends, its not a big deal. He hasnt done anything to damage my trust, i know its my issues, he reassures me all the time he loves me, would never cheat and he knows what he wants and would never do anything to wreck us.. but I just feel REALLY uneasy about this. He is walking on egg shells with me at the moment which is why hes not being so forthcoming about things at the bar, but all I can do is sit here wonder if there he is more friendly with her than what I know .. or if something further is going to happen, or if he fancies her more than me. I just dont want him getting closer to her and leave me. Im meant to be moving city to be with him as soon as I find a job as well. What can I do, I feel incredibly threatened.
AzaleaBelle Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I understand where you are coming from. I am normally not a jealous or insecure person but in my current relationship, it is something I battle with. He is the only one of this friends who is in a serious relationship. All the others are dating women who are MUCH younger than me. I'm 30, he's 27 and his friends are dating 19-22 year old girls/women. Skinny, good looking ones, at that! While we aren't in a LDR, I go home for weeks at a time and he left up here to hang out with his friends and their random girls. While it pains me to think about it if he decides he doesn't want to me with me anymore and wants to be on the same level (and have the same opportunities) as his friends, then there isn't much I can do about it. The way I deal with is adjusting my attitude because you sure as hell won't have much luck adjusting his. You can't force someone to stay with you or want you. The more you act jealous and insecure, the more it will push him away from you. Be confident with yourself, him and your relationship. Understand that if chooses to cheat or leave, you will find someone better. Know what you offer each other and it will ease your worries, I hope. But, you shouldn't worry about him having hot friends that are girls. Especially in the environment he works in, which is his choice, not yours together.
Fondue Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 You're wayyy insecure and sound really controlling to me. Not allowing him have female friends, demanding that he discusses with you about getting a new job, and simply being a bad sport about it. He's "walking on egg shells" with you, but I don't see it that way. If I was him, you'd be walking on those same egg shells with ME. EDIT: To top it all off, you're in a long distance relationship. I don't know what possesses you to think you can control him like that.
zakfar Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) You're wayyy insecure and sound really controlling to me. Not allowing him have female friends, demanding that he discusses with you about getting a new job, and simply being a bad sport about it. He's "walking on egg shells" with you, but I don't see it that way. If I was him, you'd be walking on those same egg shells with ME. EDIT: To top it all off, you're in a long distance relationship. I don't know what possesses you to think you can control him like that. Insecure? Has he cheated her? Controlling? Has he done anything against her will? He is doing a job, and she is the one 'Pushing' him not to do so. Not to have Male/Female friends? Which country/culture do you belong to? Downinthedumps, Azale's story is noteworthy. It is good that you've realized that more you try to force him, more you gonna push him away. I'm not saying that you have no reason to feel secure. He works in a nightclub (where he can see/meet lots of hot females) and has recently started friendship with someone. You are right to feel uncomfortable with the situation. However, a relationship can never work with 'Trust' to each other. I'm not saying that he can't cheat you, but if you want to work it, you need to leave the feelings of yours. Life doesn't end with person. Even if he leaves you someday, you can find someone lot better than him. One thing is there more. Your Jealousy is natural. It occurs when someone has deep emotions for the partner. Take it positively, and try to use it for the good cause. Try to think good. Try to trust him in what he is talking. Remember! Whatever I'm saying is based on that you want to work out your relationship. We can get burn if we work with the forge. But with time, our ability to bear 'Heat' increases greatly. For others, we are under the heat for many hours. But for us, they just don't know, how 'Strong' we are. Think about it from his perspective. By improving yourself, you can at least remove half of the problem, if not all. I hope it helps. Zakfar. Edited April 14, 2011 by zakfar
Enchanted Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I believe in fairness in relationships. You need to start partying with and hanging out with guys you tell your boyfriend you think are hot and flirting with them whenever you feel insecure. It will boost your self-esteem, you'll realize you don't NEED this guy, and it will fix your current behavior which is driving him away. Also, there's a chance he might get jealous, but even if he doesn't, who cares? You still get to have fun. When you're upset, use your anger to do something productive. The one who cares the least in a relationship is always the one with the power and the one calling the other person controlling. Win him back by showing him you don't give a ****. Unfortunately, people enjoy that more than you being insecure, showing you are a human being, and being jealous. Even though jealousy is a sign that you care and are just afraid the other person doesn't, they usually reciprocate it by getting angry at you and making it worse. I don't think you are controlling. Controlling people actually CONTROL the relationship. So far, he's just doing what he wants and telling you to accept it. I've met actual controlling women and they tend to have their men on a leash. Their men are terrified to do anything without their permission and really don't do anything without it. What he sounds like instead is that he's uncompromising. When you have a problem in the relationship, then you try to get past your feelings some and he does things to make that easier for you. He's doing nothing so far and blaming it completely on you. It should be a team effort. People always act "controlling" when they can feel the other person slipping out of their hands. So stop being a doormat and slip out of his grasp a little.
Lucky_One Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 The bar he is working at is hiring? You need a job? You are LD? Problems solved!
Enchanted Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 The bar he is working at is hiring? You need a job? You are LD? Problems solved! And if he says no then he either doesn't think you are hot and/or he's not serious about the relationship. XD You can know right away. LOL. I like your thinking.
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