downinthedumps Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Firstly im battling serious insecurity and jealousy at the moment and am about to start councelling for it and get my self feeling confident again. I am in a LDR with my boyfriend. He took a part time job as a manager a night club where he goes in just to make sure everythings running ok and everyone is there then leaves. He mentioned it to me and I said no I wasnt comfortable with it, then nothing happened for a few weeks later they offered a lot of cash to do it, do you want it yes or no on the spot so he went for it. He made a mistake doing this and not talking to me first which he apologised profusely for but he didnt see it impacting us much and saw my reasons as silly (being insecure about it) and saw it as a great opportunity for us to get ahead, he isnt drinking there he is working and is committed to it for 3 months. Apparently once its up and running he wont need to be there at all and just make a phone call but he needs to find new/better staff so that he doesnt have to and its not the lifestyle he wants, its just money. He wants to improve the image of the bar as well and asked him does that mean getting hot girls working there and he said yes, it is just part of the business.. Ive been really struggling with dealing with this then now I have another problem .. He and his friends have recently become friends with a girl that works at another bar where they have a drink after couple of times a week, she is also best friends with another girl he works with. We were invited to this girls party but he didnt want to go last weekend. We bumped into her at a cafe that day and said thats the girl whos party it was and he knew her from saying hello at this other bar. I asked if she was single and he told me she also has just split with her boyfriend and seems to be very cool and outgoing.. and pretty. Since the weekend he has now added her to his social networking site along with his other friends. Im also pretty sure part of the reason is that he will be lining her up for a bar manager job at his work .. I havent said anything about it to him and he hasnt said anything about her further or his intentions with the bar as it is a very sore point at the moment with us and we have just been trying to get back on track after fighting the last 2 weeks. Im really not comfortable with him making new female friends and I dont know what to do, hes getting really fed up with my insecurity and jealousy and its starting to badly effect our relationship. He has quite a few other female friends which Im ok with and he has said to me in the past he is allowed to have male and female friends, its not a big deal. He hasnt done anything to damage my trust, i know its my issues, he reassures me all the time he loves me, would never cheat and he knows what he wants and would never do anything to wreck us.. but I just feel REALLY uneasy about this. He is walking on egg shells with me at the moment which is why hes not being so forthcoming about things at the bar, but all I can do is sit here wonder if there he is more friendly with her than what I know .. or if something further is going to happen, or if he fancies her more than me. I just dont want him getting closer to her and leave me. Im meant to be moving city to be with him as soon as I find a job as well. What can I do, I feel incredibly threatened.
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Firstly im battling serious insecurity and jealousy at the moment and am about to start councelling for it and get my self feeling confident again. I am in a LDR with my boyfriend. He took a part time job as a manager a night club where he goes in just to make sure everythings running ok and everyone is there then leaves. He mentioned it to me and I said no I wasnt comfortable with it, then nothing happened for a few weeks later they offered a lot of cash to do it, do you want it yes or no on the spot so he went for it. He made a mistake doing this and not talking to me first which he apologised profusely for but he didnt see it impacting us much and saw my reasons as silly (being insecure about it) and saw it as a great opportunity for us to get ahead, he isnt drinking there he is working and is committed to it for 3 months. Apparently once its up and running he wont need to be there at all and just make a phone call but he needs to find new/better staff so that he doesnt have to and its not the lifestyle he wants, its just money. He wants to improve the image of the bar as well and asked him does that mean getting hot girls working there and he said yes, it is just part of the business.. Ive been really struggling with dealing with this then now I have another problem .. He and his friends have recently become friends with a girl that works at another bar where they have a drink after couple of times a week, she is also best friends with another girl he works with. We were invited to this girls party but he didnt want to go last weekend. We bumped into her at a cafe that day and said thats the girl whos party it was and he knew her from saying hello at this other bar. I asked if she was single and he told me she also has just split with her boyfriend and seems to be very cool and outgoing.. and pretty. Since the weekend he has now added her to his social networking site along with his other friends. Im also pretty sure part of the reason is that he will be lining her up for a bar manager job at his work .. I havent said anything about it to him and he hasnt said anything about her further or his intentions with the bar as it is a very sore point at the moment with us and we have just been trying to get back on track after fighting the last 2 weeks. Im really not comfortable with him making new female friends and I dont know what to do, hes getting really fed up with my insecurity and jealousy and its starting to badly effect our relationship. He has quite a few other female friends which Im ok with and he has said to me in the past he is allowed to have male and female friends, its not a big deal. He hasnt done anything to damage my trust, i know its my issues, he reassures me all the time he loves me, would never cheat and he knows what he wants and would never do anything to wreck us.. but I just feel REALLY uneasy about this. He is walking on egg shells with me at the moment which is why hes not being so forthcoming about things at the bar, but all I can do is sit here wonder if there he is more friendly with her than what I know .. or if something further is going to happen, or if he fancies her more than me. I just dont want him getting closer to her and leave me. Im meant to be moving city to be with him as soon as I find a job as well. What can I do, I feel incredibly threatened. Hey Again , First, did he actually tell you he thinks she is pretty or you were making an observation because she IS pretty. I wanted to get clarity on that. As for feeling threatened, it is kind of like this. She may be pretty and cool, but you are the one he is in love with. She is no you. However, if you begin to act neurotic and not supportive (and so far, you have been} the more you do that, the more cool she will look. She is the one not opposing his job, she is the one he can talk to about work stuff. You need to be that woman, and I am not saying he is cheating or going to cheat or anything of the sort just that he works and he needs an outlet to talk about that, he will go to friends but I think he would prefer to go to you. You need to start supporting your boyfriend. He is just doing his job, and trying to do it well. It is going to mean so much to him to have your support and encouragement, and suddenly YOU will be the cool one. When you are being confident, trusting, and loving to him no other girl is going to be able to compete with that.
Professor X Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Hey Again , First, did he actually tell you he thinks she is pretty or you were making an observation because she IS pretty. I wanted to get clarity on that. As for feeling threatened, it is kind of like this. She may be pretty and cool, but you are the one he is in love with. She is no you. However, if you begin to act neurotic and not supportive (and so far, you have been} the more you do that, the more cool she will look. She is the one not opposing his job, she is the one he can talk to about work stuff. You need to be that woman, and I am not saying he is cheating or going to cheat or anything of the sort just that he works and he needs an outlet to talk about that, he will go to friends but I think he would prefer to go to you. You need to start supporting your boyfriend. He is just doing his job, and trying to do it well. It is going to mean so much to him to have your support and encouragement, and suddenly YOU will be the cool one. When you are being confident, trusting, and loving to him no other girl is going to be able to compete with that. I have to agree here with hoping2heal, the last thing you want to do is becoming the problem.
ASG Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I have to agree as well. It gets really old, really fast when people don't trust you even though you gave them no reason not to. You not accepting his job, for no real reason, has to have put a strain on your relationship. And if you start becoming paranoid about his new friends... I'm afraid things may not wrok out. So what you need to do is get help and work on it. And BE supportive of his job and friends. Even if you don't love the idea. You need to choose your battles, and not supporting his JOB and his making new friends, even if they are female, are not battles you're going to win. Ever.
stace79 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Either you have to learn to accept it, or you will have to accept that he's not the right person for you and move on. You have a choice here. I have been in a LDR before, too, and I can tell you I would never have continued it had my bf gotten a job in a bar or night club where he's hiring attractive women and working all night around drinking & carousing. I just wouldn't be able to deal. Nothing wrong with that - just means timing is off or you aren't right for each other.
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