mlchris2 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Alright, I'm curious and have to ask; I'm a recent widow(5 months) I am no way ready for a relationship. I'm still grieving and it's going to take some time for me to get to that stage of my life again. This is just something I have been thinking about recently. What are your opinions on dating a widow? I got a memorial tattoo for my late wife on my forearm. What do you think about that? Do you see it as a deal breaker for a future relationship? Has anyone dealt with something similar? with that said, I will no way date or pursue a LTR someone who isn't comfortable with the fact that I am a "widow" (I'm starting to hate that label) or has issues with the fact that I have a tattoo dedicated to my late wife. That I am confident of. I was just curious what you all thought about it.
Jazzari Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I'm also a recent widow (10 months) and I have not encountered anyone who had a problem with it. In fact, I was shocked at all the advances by men I previously considered friends. Some have wanted to take advantage of my status. Usually its an obvious attempt to make me cry so they can "comfort me". My standard response is to "F* Off". A handy little phrase that my late husband taught me in dealing with pushy men. I'm dating someone now and it's not an issue for him. He treats me like normal (not like I'm broken or made of glass) and the subject rarely comes up. That's something that I REALLY appreciate.
OliveOyl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Speaking of labels, you mean "widower." A widow refers to a woman who has lost her husband. "Widower" is the other way around.
cerridwen Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 There's nothing creepy about it. My sole concern would be if she was idealized in your mind. I would worry that you'd compare us and, with her idealized, find me lacking.
daphne Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I had a mild flirtation with a widower recently, and dated a widower in the past. Both lost their wives early. It's not weird, but I'll say teh first one was out dating after 3 months and I was not interested in providing emotional support like that to a stranger. It was way too early. The second guy's wife passed 7 months ago, but he's still hurting. I think the tattoo would be something that I'd steer away from. I don't know how to explain it. Who wants to be second best, at best?
zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I would not date a widower (certainly not a recent one, at least), but that's because of my experiences, having lost my fiance and HS sweetheart when I was a teenager (car accident, sadly). I might consider someone who was many years away from it. . . but it would depend. Even in my case, while I think it helped being very young and not yet being married, I took YEARS to get over it and get to the point where I would be a good partner. Luckily, it coincided with a time when most people are not looking for real partners yet (in college, etc) and I took over a year off from dating and then dated a guy I'd never want to be serious with for another couple of years. It was only maybe two or so years ago, I thought I could definitely get married someday (even though marriage was always something I wanted) without feeling guilty, and I'm 26 now. So, for me, the timing is fine and works out. . . but if someone were just starting that process at my age or older? I just cannot imagine being a partner to them, as I would always wonder if they were feeling some of the things I felt when I was going through that. I don't want to discourage you from dating -- you say you're not ready for a real relationship yet anyway, which makes sense, so date the people who will accept that fact and they'd more readily accept your widower status anyway, as that's the main issue. To me, the tattoo doesn't "amplify" the issue, but maybe that's because I already see it as such a big issue.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Hmm... I don't know about the rest, but as far as the tattoo to commemorate your late wife I don't see a problem. I got a "divorce" tattoo so to speak, to commemorate going through that very difficult time in my life (still going through it). There are no names on it, but there is some pretty strong symbolism on it, it's quite unique. Its in a place where it's easily visible if I wear shorts. Just as long as he doesn't cry when he looks at the tattoo or anything I guess.
carhill Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 My condolences regarding your loss. That must've been awful after so recently combining a family of five children. If I were to meet a widow (not uncommon at my age) in similar circumstances I'd likely be receptive if she were open about how she's doing emotionally and was willing to take time to process the inevitable emotions from such a loss. I'd have no issue with the bad days (reality) but I would want to see positive care and interest too. Good luck
alexlakeman Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Sorry for your loss and for the loss of the others on this thread.. As a guy, I do NOT (NOT) date any widows..WHY? 1. I am second choice, if their spouse hadn't died I would not have been chosen 2. I don't want to deal with them being depressed or down possibly on their dead spouses birthday, wedding anniversary, date they dropped dead, etc. 3. I don't want to even imagine they go to their graves.. That's emotional cheating, no? I probably have more reasons, but on those online sites where you can choose, single, divorced, widow.. I do NOT click widow for my searches.. Also, the dead partner's tattoo memory on the person? No wayyyy, 1. freaky, 2. what a life long memorial.. they might as well stay single..
zakfar Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Dude! It depends on person to person. Some people don't like 'Challenges' and some people simply love them. And as far as I know, a woman in love with a man can go to any measures. She might let you forget everything about your past. Go and seek out the one, who is waiting for you!
OliveOyl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 To actually answer the question, I wouldn't have any problem with it if a sufficient amount of time had passed and I felt the person had already dealt with the majority of grief.
ColdFox Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I am a widow and I wasn't ready to date for a few years after my husband died. I am still trying to figure it out, but I was depressed for a long time after his accident and trying to figure out how to raise a baby by myself. I do know everyone is different with how they cope. I think I would probably not date as recent a widower as you, OP, I would think you need more time to grieve. But I would date a widower, no problem. I don't mind the tattoo, I have my wedding rings saved for my son, I understand about feeling sad on certain days and all that stuff.
Author mlchris2 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Correction: I am a widower. Still hate it, just hard to get past the harsh reality of it. I feel totally different when people look or talk to me because of it. When are you no longer a window/widower? Will that label follow me around until I'm in a relationship? At what point do I allow my self to be single again? I made a promise to myself that I would not date for at least a year and then re-evaluate what state of mind I'm in and then make a plan from there. I wouldn't want to bring emotional baggage into a future relationship, that's not fair to the other person. However, lets face it, this time in my life will always be with me and if any potential match has issues with that, well then they aren't for me. My sole concern would be if she was idealized in your mind. That right there is something that is going to be tough to get past. To me; my late wife was the total package. When I'm mind f***king myself, I wonder if I'm going to find someone who also has that total package. Is that wrong of me to say or think about? I have mixed emotions about it. I feel guilty for feeling that way, it sounds like I won't give anyone a chance. On the flip side, I feel that I want what I want in a and that's ok. As far as the tattoo goes, I could see how someone might feel turned off or have issues with it. It doesn't contain her name, I've always said I'd never put anyone's name on my body, nor will I.
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