change Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I see a lot of advice on here to do the 180 -- to move on for yourself and if it gets you back together, great, if it doesn't, that's life. My wife and I have only been separate two weeks now. Although she said she wants to come home, she's backtracked and wants to see me living for myself and making it on my own as a part of building trust. We are going to start seeing a marriage counselor (we're also both in individual counseling now). How does one "move on" and do the 180 while living separately but also pursuing marriage counseling? Any advice? Some things to know: I'm living in our house right now and she is living with a mutual friend. We're looking at getting her or me a furnished apartment while we play out this separation and go to counseling. I'm also looking into two bedroom places so that we could have a go at an in house separation (which would be impossible in our present place).
KineticsEng Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I wish I had some advice from you. But im potentially not far behind you in a similar situation. I look forward to see what comments and advice are made by the helpful members of this forum. Good luck.
devilmaycare Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 You don't mention whether or not you have kids. That of course would make a huge difference, but since you didn't mention it, I'm assuming NOT. I can understand your wife's perspective. I myself would like my husband to have some healthier habits before we live in the same household together. I'm not sure what the "making it on your own" entails. Finding and holding down a job? Working while managing all the housework and shopping? For many of us this can be a challenge depending on our occupations. I would say the best thing to do is meet your expectations. Be the best person you can be. Then you've "made it on your own," and you will be pleased whether or not your wife returns to the picture.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Background OP, MC teaches you tools and how to perceive and assess your marital dynamics in different ways. The goal is to end the separation and reconcile. It's a process. If you're lucky, 2012 will be a better year. One day at a time. Regardless of outside influences, your wife didn't get to this point quickly. It happened over time. Recovery, likewise, will take time. In the meantime, live for yourself with an eye on an equitable recovery; one which respects and embraces both of your boundaries and perspectives. Are you both in IC right now?
Author change Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Background OP, MC teaches you tools and how to perceive and assess your marital dynamics in different ways. The goal is to end the separation and reconcile. It's a process. If you're lucky, 2012 will be a better year. One day at a time. Regardless of outside influences, your wife didn't get to this point quickly. It happened over time. Recovery, likewise, will take time. In the meantime, live for yourself with an eye on an equitable recovery; one which respects and embraces both of your boundaries and perspectives. Are you both in IC right now? Thank you to all of the replies. Yes, we're both in IC right now to work on our separate issues. She is still pursuing the MC appoint after seeing her IC for the first time, so I'm looking at that as a positive step that she didn't talk herself out of it and sees the two processes as ones that can happen simultaneously. The first MC appointment is next week with a counselor that prizes her ability to be a "proactive, bridge builder." I certainly hope that is the case. Reading divorce and marriage help books, our relationship is very textbook for one in which one spouse is depressed and the marriage becomes sexless. The question becomes how much my wife is willing to work on it. And how to work past fears and anger so that attraction, intimacy and trust can come back. We both still care about and love one another a great deal, I think, so that's good. Does anyone here have experience with MC? And MC during a separation? (I'm sure that the collective wisdom of LS does.) I'm not really sure what to expect. A lot of marriage self-help books I've picked up recently have a lot of suggestions for when you're still living under the same roof, but less so during a separation. And I know that marriages do come back from separations. So how do they do it?
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Sure. My exW and I lived in separate domiciles for a few months while attending MC. Our psychologist discouraged separation in our case as he felt there were no exigent reasons for such a physical break. We had 14 months of MC in total. If you have any questions, I'll answer as best I can. Our outcome wasn't the one you desire, so take those answers with that in mind. I can say our D was a lot more amicable than it would have been without MC. So, in that sense, it's still a victory.
Author change Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Was the MC focused on finding solutions to bring you back together? What was your ex-wife's level of commitment coming into the counseling? What do you think caused the divorce, despite the counseling?
Author change Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 To add to this string... my wife broke down last weekend and said that she wanted to come home. Then she back peddled, I think because of fear that things wouldn't change (that I wouldn't proceed forward with managing my depression and that I would have "won her back" without enough effort to sustain changes she needed) and a desire to hold onto the freedom she perceives she's gained in the last two weeks.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Read my journals for background. Was the MC focused on finding solutions to bring you back together? Yes, each session was focused on finding commonalities, primarily for us in the areas of clear communication. What was your ex-wife's level of commitment coming into the counseling? Superficially, she appeared committed to the process. Not committed enough to share its quite expensive cost, but she did show up and work in there. What do you think caused the divorce, despite the counseling? Superficially, my EA but, more elementally, incompatibilities in emotional and communication style. With help, I was able to go back to the beginnings of our relationship and see where I willfully ignored incompatibilities (and perhaps she did as well). Our datapoint is of a couple coming from vastly different lifestyles and marrying at a relatively advanced age, so bear that in mind. I was her third husband and she my first wife. My best advice is to take today and work one positive action/word for the day. Say or do something you can reflect upon with pride. If things are to be 'fixed', it will take time. No rush
Author change Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 One day at a time, one action at a time. I think that's good advice. Advice I endeavor to take to heart. It makes me feel a bit better to hear that it was fundamentally about emotional and communication styles and different compatibilities. My spouse and I have always -- except the past three years -- prided ourselves on our phenomenal communication. The work we've done together was foundational on her ability to work out lifelong differences with her folks -- and me with mine. We share a great deal in common, especially with regard to lifestyle, religion, communication, emotion, etc. We've found in the conversations we've had in the last week that we've both been dealing with the stress of the separation in similar (constructive) ways. There are strong reasons why we got together in the first place and made it this far. Under the anger and fear, I'm hoping the attraction is still lingering. I'm also hoping she starts missing me, once I demonstrate that there is something there to "miss" again. She's described my depression and her process dealing with it as being like her husband dying. Now she's faced with my sudden return and doesn't know what to do with it. Did the MC ever have any suggestions on how to start the difficult and painful process of having fun together again? Dating and the like? I'm not sure if this applies to your situation or not, based on what you've said.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Did the MC ever have any suggestions on how to start the difficult and painful process of having fun together again? Dating and the like? IIRC, he asked us for suggestions and then expanded upon them. As I was caregiving at the time, it wasn't really 'dating' but we did get together for lunches fairly often and still socialized with friends on 'evenings out'. Another aspect was adventures like shown in these pictures to far flung parts of the globe. Such were my way of disconnecting from caregiving for some 'us' time. I can safely say my exW saw more of the world, and enjoyed it (her opinion), with me than in the previous 20 years with two prior husbands. However, other circumstances affected attraction (mainly her perspective on my caregiving), so all the 'dating' in the world likely wouldn't have changed that. Our psychologist essentially helped us clarify whether there was any love left in the M by honestly and clearly communicating and, accepting reality, how to best proceed. Listening to you, I think, if you and your wife D'd, you'd still miss her after a couple of years. Myself, it was like my M never existed. I miss how I loved during the M, but I don't think about my exW at all. There are reasons for that, and they go way back to my misguided beginnings. Your dynamic is necessarily different and unique to you. A good MC tailors the work to the couple's dynamic. If you (and/or she) don't find the 'fit' with the MC to feel right, ask for a referral. They don't take it personally
Author change Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I think we'd still both always miss one another.
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