amythan Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hi, Just as an introduction I met this guy at work and we start a very intense casual relationship. Both of us had feelings for each other but due to a very complicated situation we decided to keep this as a friendship, but I have to admit we still sleep together when we see each other. But things are not the same and it feels like we are more distant every day. And then I got this email: You say we are friends, and I do care about you and I really love you, but we are not real friends. I think you are aware of that but maybe it makes you feel better to believe so. We were lovers and sometimes we still are. I like to spend time with you and I do miss you in my life but I do not need any half-hearted friendship, specially with you. I just do not know how to handle it without feeling hurt and I cannot stand watching us becoming strangers. What does it mean ? If you get this email what do you think ? Thanks !
SweetDaphne Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hi, Just as an introduction I met this guy at work and we start a very intense casual relationship. Both of us had feelings for each other but due to a very complicated situation we decided to keep this as a friendship, but I have to admit we still sleep together when we see each other. But things are not the same and it feels like we are more distant every day. And then I got this email: You say we are friends, and I do care about you and I really love you, but we are not real friends. I think you are aware of that but maybe it makes you feel better to believe so. We were lovers and sometimes we still are. I like to spend time with you and I do miss you in my life but I do not need any half-hearted friendship, specially with you. I just do not know how to handle it without feeling hurt and I cannot stand watching us becoming strangers. What does it mean ? If you get this email what do you think ? Thanks ! Amy - since I don't know your entire situation I can't say for certain what the e-mail implies. However, from just reading the e-mail I am getting the sense that he is more invested in your time together then what a 'casual relationship' would entail. He appears to have feelings for you and does not like the casual stigma that is attached to the times you are together. You need to ask him what he wants? Does he want a relationship with you, or to at least try one? Does he want to end the FWB relationship you two have now? See what he says and while waiting to see what he says you need to decided what you want as well. If you're happy with status quo, and he wants more, then the FWB relationship must end. To keep it going wouldn't be fair for either of you. Ask him for more information. Hopefully by answering those questions you'll know exactly what it is he's saying and what it is he wants.
Author amythan Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 For sure we are not friends. We care about each other and we get along extremely well but this does not make a friendship. Friends go out with other friends, call each other to talk about bits of nothing and meet outside bars, restaurants of hotel rooms. I was very much in love with him but it is true we are becoming strangers. I just do not know if he doesn't want to see me anymore or if he just miss what we used to have.
utterer of lies Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 He wants to be together with you, as in boyfriend and girlfriend.
zakfar Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Yeah! I also think he wants to bring closeness between you too, and my be interested in making you his girlfriend. You should ask him directly.
BigBlack Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I think he loves you very deeply and is afraid of losing you, but he couldn't say this infront of you, thats why he wrote the email.
Author amythan Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Update: I asked him if his email means that he does not want to see me again or if he does not want to see me only as a friend. He seemed a bit upset because I didn't comment on his long email and I have just asked this question. Anyway he was not clear. He said that he has mixed feelings and that we are fooling no one saying we are friends. He said that sometimes he misses me, specially when something good happens to him but when he tries to share it with me he realizes that i am not there anymore and he does not want to have this feeling never again. He told me that he does not want to stop seeing me but maybe he should, not because he is upset but because it is pointless. What am I supposed to reply ? It seems that he wants to know if I have feelings for him and if this is not the case he does not want to see me again ... Is this what you think too ? I guess he deserves an answer but I am confused, so I didn't reply for three days now. All this seems a bit out of the blue but maybe he was feeling this way from the beginning.
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hi, Just as an introduction I met this guy at work and we start a very intense casual relationship. Both of us had feelings for each other but due to a very complicated situation we decided to keep this as a friendship, but I have to admit we still sleep together when we see each other. But things are not the same and it feels like we are more distant every day. And then I got this email: You say we are friends, and I do care about you and I really love you, but we are not real friends. I think you are aware of that but maybe it makes you feel better to believe so. We were lovers and sometimes we still are. I like to spend time with you and I do miss you in my life but I do not need any half-hearted friendship, specially with you. I just do not know how to handle it without feeling hurt and I cannot stand watching us becoming strangers. What does it mean ? If you get this email what do you think ? Thanks ! It means: "I want to be your lover, not your friend."
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) It seems that he wants to know if I have feelings for him and if this is not the case he does not want to see me again ... Is this what you think too ? Yes, that's what I think too. He wants to be lovers with you and not friends. If you keep friend-zoning him he will leave, because being around you will be too painful. He's not going to stick around only to see how you will get involved with other men. However. You shouldn't let that pressure you into making him your lover. You should be honest to him about what you want. Don't make him your lover just because you don't want to lose him as your friend. While from a guy's point of view I understand him, I also understand that he shouldn't use it as a tool to pressure you. In fact if I were in his shoes I probably wouldn't have told you that you would never see me again after you would friend-zone me, because that might influence your decision and that's not what I would want. What I would want from you is an honest answer, so that I would know whether or not I could/should move on or not. Edited April 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Professor X Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Update: I asked him if his email means that he does not want to see me again or if he does not want to see me only as a friend. He seemed a bit upset because I didn't comment on his long email and I have just asked this question. Anyway he was not clear. He said that he has mixed feelings and that we are fooling no one saying we are friends. He said that sometimes he misses me, specially when something good happens to him but when he tries to share it with me he realizes that i am not there anymore and he does not want to have this feeling never again. He told me that he does not want to stop seeing me but maybe he should, not because he is upset but because it is pointless. What am I supposed to reply ? It seems that he wants to know if I have feelings for him and if this is not the case he does not want to see me again ... Is this what you think too ? I guess he deserves an answer but I am confused, so I didn't reply for three days now. All this seems a bit out of the blue but maybe he was feeling this way from the beginning. OMFG, what's hard to understand? everyone already said it, can't you read? he wants to be with you in a more serious relationship, not this FWB bullcrap! And how can you say it's all out of the blue?? you were in a RS to begin with. You tuned it down a bit cause of work and well, it doesn't work, not anymore! He wants YOU to be his girlfriend and he says that if that can't happen, than he must forget about you cause this FWB deal is hurting him to much.
Author amythan Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Thank you, yeah maybe it was not that difficult to understand I understand the feeling, I have been there in the past, so i do not get it as "blackmail" and I can understand that sometimes you should just walk away. Actually I respect him because he does not plan to stick around waiting at my leisure. I was really in love with him but these days are gone so now I just need to reply and say bye. He is right, we are not friends anyway but I do care about him.
Stockalone Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 What does it mean ? If you get this email what do you think ? Is that the same guy you wrote about in the past? The who used to have a live-in gf while pursuing you and then got you pregnant?
Author amythan Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Oh no !!! A different one, much better guy I must say.
Stockalone Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Oh no !!! A different one, much better guy I must say. In that case, I agree with the advice you have been given. A casual relationship and a half-hearted friendship is no longer good enough for him. I understand the feeling, I have been there in the past, so i do not get it as "blackmail" and I can understand that sometimes you should just walk away. Actually I respect him because he does not plan to stick around waiting at my leisure. I was really in love with him but these days are gone so now I just need to reply and say bye. He is right, we are not friends anyway but I do care about him. You said you were in love with him, so why didn't things work out for you two back then? I am not trying to make you change your decision, because if you believe that walking away is the right thing to do, you should. I am just curious what the problem was.
Author amythan Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 In that case, I agree with the advice you have been given. A casual relationship and a half-hearted friendship is no longer good enough for him. You said you were in love with him, so why didn't things work out for you two back then? I am not trying to make you change your decision, because if you believe that walking away is the right thing to do, you should. I am just curious what the problem was. I was in love with him long time ago, things happened and I did everything I could to meve on. What we had is over. I didn't reply, I do not know what to say and I said nothing. But my friends told me I am being inconsiderate, that he deserves an answer and ignoring him shows that I do not care (which is not true). I do not want to hurt him or have a conversation about us either. Do you think that go silent is rude ? Would you expect a reply to this email ?
Professor X Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I was in love with him long time ago, things happened and I did everything I could to meve on. What we had is over. I didn't reply, I do not know what to say and I said nothing. But my friends told me I am being inconsiderate, that he deserves an answer and ignoring him shows that I do not care (which is not true). I do not want to hurt him or have a conversation about us either. Do you think that go silent is rude ? Would you expect a reply to this email ? I don't know, you tell us, what if you were in his shoes? Would you like the guy you've just sent a mail such as this to reply to you? Yeah, send him a reply. And you are inconsiderate.
Stockalone Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 (edited) I was in love with him long time ago, things happened and I did everything I could to meve on. What we had is over. And yet, here you are not knowing what to say to him. It sounds complicated. I didn't reply, I do not know what to say and I said nothing. But my friends told me I am being inconsiderate, that he deserves an answer and ignoring him shows that I do not care (which is not true). I do not want to hurt him or have a conversation about us either. Do you think that go silent is rude ? Would you expect a reply to this email ? There is one thing I should say before going further. I really don't understand the mindset behind having a casual relationship. Being in love but not together, deciding on being friends but still having sex? It just makes no sense to me, so keep that in mind when reading my reply. Based solely on what you have told us in this thread, then yes, I think it is rude if you don't reply to his email. Would I expect a reply? Yes I would, but silence itself can be a reply. Silence speaks volumes, and if I were that guy, I would consider your silence to be your answer, which to me would mean that you don't care. The problem here seems to be that none of you is clear about what they want. At best, he is hinting at wanting more but hasn't said so explicitly. And you don't know what to say in return, which made you not reply to his last email. Do you know what is it that you want? Keep the status quo, do you never want to see him again, do you want him to be your bf, etc? Right now, your are burying your head in the sand ("I do not want to hurt him or have a conversation about us either."), and that's hardly ever a good idea if you are hoping for a positive outcome. If you are unsure of what you want, and/or confused about your feelings, then that is fine and it's understandable. But if that's the case, why not tell him that? You said you don't want to have a "conversation about us" (us meaning you and him). Would you also prefer not to even think about it? If so, why? One last thing, is email the only contact you still have? I wonder, because I personally wouldn't chose to do this via email unless meeting in person or at least talking on the phone to go along with email is not an option. There are just so many inherent problems to communicating via the written word only. Edited April 22, 2011 by Stockalone
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