Lilmisus Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Sorry, another question! I gave my ex a few gifts during our relationship since I'm a pretty gift giving type person. A t-shirt for when I went on vacation last summer. A protein shake mixer (pretty cheap) for his birthday. For Christmas I bought him a $500 watch for around $80 (which he can now pawn for about $275 apparently). And for Valentine's day I got him a lightweight jacket since he needed one, and a leather wallet since his other one was falling to pieces. He bought me fake flowers (after buying me real roses that his dogs tore up), chocolate, a card, anddd a fake rose that a dude made for me. (altogether about $20 worth of gifts). Money is not an issue with me, as I don't really have bills to pay, and since I'm making good enough money. He is the sole provider at his house, spends anywhere from 500-1000 dollars on bills each month, and has to help out his parents if they need it, since they don't really work. I never expected him (and even discouraged him) to buy me presents, especially expensive ones, though I do admit it was disappointing to see the gifts he'd get or not get me, especially if he'd promise something great..but that's not the point here at all. The biggest thing though, is that around his birthday, we were dating for only a few months at that point, and he had seriously $5 to his name and it was a week before he got his next paycheck, and he had barely enough gas to get to and from his house (30 miles away from the job). He had no one to turn to to lend him a hand, since he asked multiple people, but refused to ask me to help him, since he believes it's wrong to borrow money from your girlfriend. I had extra cash to my name, and I couldn't stand seeing him the way he was - freaking out - so I told him that I'd lend him as much money as he'd accept, which turned out to be $60, and I basically had to force him to take it. He tried to pay me back the next paycheck, and tried to sneak it in my purse a couple of times, but I told him that until he had enough money to pay for bills, his car insurance, and didn't have to worry about it anymore, then I wouldn't feel right taking the money back just yet, so each time he'd try, I refused. I told him though that he wasn't off the hook of paying me the money back, and if we broke up, there'd be no question that he'd still have to pay me back. Now though, I don't know his money situation (we're no longer talking about stuff like that), but he never paid me back. The other night, we were arguing about something and he asked if it was about the money, and I said no. He asked if it was about the watch and if I wanted it back, and I first said yes, jokingly, and he started taking it off, but then I told him no, that I had no use for it, and I gave it to him to be a long lasting, nice present. Then the conversation changed course and we stopped talking about it. I don't know how to approach this though, especially since I may be quitting in the next couple of weeks (on the fence still), so I wouldn't be able to see him again to bring it up. I'm just wondering, how or if I should bring it up without sounding like I'm after blood, or a way to get back at him? I still feel that if he can't pay all his bills (especially the car insurance, he is currently driving without it) then he shouldn't be paying me back, since I'm not in need of the extra $60. But I really don't want to let it go - never did - and end up feeling that he used me for the things I gave him. Plus, he's still using all of the gifts I got for him (but refuses to be friends now), especially the watch. Sometimes it feels like he shows it off or uses it just to irk me, but I couldn't say for sure. He's still taking great care of it, and I know he fell in love with it the moment he saw it (even started crying a little bit since he felt bad that he didn't get me something nearly as expensive or thoughtful. He swore he'd make it up to me, but I told him money isn't an issue with me so to not worry about it, and I meant it), but I'm just wondering if it's typical for ex's to keep the gifts and keep using them? Or if I should have taken it back the other night? I don't have any to use that he gave me (threw away all the stuff besides the fake rose which is gorgeous), so I don't have to worry about that really, but it just feels really weird now, and I'm not sure what to do. I guess what I'm asking is, what would you guys do? Ask for the money and gifts back, or just let it go and move on? I hate sounding so petty, but I'm just unsure which is the best route to take here.
TaraMaiden Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 They're gifts. he offered to give them back. You refused. You can't have them back, nor can you be reimbursed for them. The only gift a person has a right to have returned, is an engagement ring a guy buys a lady, if she breaks the relationship off. I hate to sound like Judge Judy, but if they were gifts, and not a financial loan - kiss 'em goodbye. You get Zip.
longterm Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Umm... Gifts are gifts Lilmis. You should not obtain any gifts you gave back. Hek I bought my X lots of stuff but I wont want it back. As for the $60... I say that you should never bring this up. He will pay you back when he can. If he doesn't then so be it. You might be using this money as a form of connection. It doesn't look like you are broken up yet either. Just because he says that he doesn't want to be "friends" doesn't mean that he isn't into you anymore. It's way too hard to just be friends. That's where I am at.. Anyway, I say that you should not dwell on this topic of the money or the gifts. Actually, consider the gifts totally gone. If he starts using these gifts to his own advantage for other ladies and IN FRONT OF YOU, then I think you would have a topic to address. No more thinking about the money or the gifts. He will pay you if he could. No reason to cause him any humiliation if he can't. I say don't think about this anymore and cut the losses. That way if its ever paid back, it would be more pleasant and not a long drawn out process which was always dwelled upon.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 The gifts aren't my biggest concern, and I want him to use them, and don't really want them back, it's just strange to see him use them and refuse to talk to me still ya know? Like I said, my biggest thing is the $60 that I never let go of or forget about (and told him I still wanted back), and we brought it up a few times when we were together. But I know him, and unless I tell him that I want it back, he wont offer the money back now..so to hope that he will would be useless. I really want to say I can just forget about it, but I was told to never just give a guy money while you're dating (and he agrees), if anything, just loan it. I told him I wouldn't let go of it, and I meant it..I just thought he'd pay me back before we broke up, since it wasn't a gift and I made sure he realized it. But I don't want to bring it up sounding like an aggravated, psycho ex, when in fact I would have brought it up again sooner or later whether or not we were together.
longterm Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Stop dwelling on the $60. If anything, now, it is being used against you. I doubt he is that smart but if you KNEW that you wouldn't get this money back even telling him that you did want it back, no matter what, then you should count your loss. You made a decision which you knew a possible outcome and now you're using this as a form of connection. Let go of the $60. Let go of all the gifts. So you are on a break... Well, then not only does he have to come back on his own will, but he also will have to have $60. BUT only if HE decides that he wants you back. The $60 and the gifts are gone and no longer have any meaning. Might as well be the same as if I had these gifts and the $60. You wont see it come back to you unless he wants you back. Don't try to go get him either. If he dumped you, then you would just be fooling yourself. They always need to be the ones to come back on their own.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Stop dwelling on the $60. If anything, now, it is being used against you. I doubt he is that smart but if you KNEW that you wouldn't get this money back even telling him that you did want it back, no matter what, then you should count your loss. You made a decision which you knew a possible outcome and now you're using this as a form of connection. Let go of the $60. Let go of all the gifts. So you are on a break... Well, then not only does he have to come back on his own will, but he also will have to have $60. BUT only if HE decides that he wants you back. The $60 and the gifts are gone and no longer have any meaning. Might as well be the same as if I had these gifts and the $60. You wont see it come back to you unless he wants you back. Don't try to go get him either. If he dumped you, then you would just be fooling yourself. They always need to be the ones to come back on their own. I understand what you're saying, but just so you and others aren't confused, we aren't on a break, we're through. He did dump me, but I'm not trying to get him back. We work together, and I have no issue having contact with him if I wanted to start it. If anything, it's too easy to be able to talk to him, and I'd prefer if we could do NC and wouldn't even think of the money or gifts if that were the case since I'd want nothing to do with him. And it's not that I know that I wont get it back, I know he's tried many times in the past to give it to me, and each time I said no because he didn't have a lot to his name, so he basically gave up on trying and bringing it up (he did so many, many times). He knows that I just want him to be able to have a few hundred at least before he pays me back. If I told him today that I wanted it back, he'd give it, even if he couldn't afford it..but I wouldn't do that to him. Tis the reason I was asking what's the best way to go about this.
ASG Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 The gifts aren't my biggest concern, and I want him to use them, and don't really want them back, it's just strange to see him use them and refuse to talk to me still ya know? That shouldn't even be hard at all. You have to deal with it. You gave him things, he wears them as he pleases, cause they are his! The same way you wear something your parents gave you, or friends. Or maybe even an ex boyfriend. You have absolutely no claim in getting them back, nor in telling him he should wear them. I still sleep with a panda my ex got me on our 3rd date (cause he was late), a teddy he got me for xmas and a lion he got me for my bday. Not to mention all the other stuff he gave me over the time we dated. And he still wears the stuff I gave him. You just need to get over it and not let it affect you. As for the money, cut your losses. And don't worry about it. As you said before, you're making enough money and don't have a lot of bills to pay. Move on.
Fufu Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I thought you wanted to move on already, so why still bother over gifts and the money he owed you. Don't dwell over it anymore
radiodarcy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 he's tried many times in the past to give it to me, and each time I said no because he didn't have a lot to his name, so he basically gave up on trying and bringing it up (he did so many, many times). He knows that I just want him to be able to have a few hundred at least before he pays me back. If I told him today that I wanted it back, he'd give it, even if he couldn't afford it..but I wouldn't do that to him. Tis the reason I was asking what's the best way to go about this. you seem to have already answered your question in the statement above. if you don't want to ask him for the money back (knowing that he would pay you back if you did) then don't ask him. that's pretty much the best way to go about it. asking him for the money back when you and him both know you don't need it back would come across as petty. so - - i would just let it go.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I thought you wanted to move on already, so why still bother over gifts and the money he owed you. Don't dwell over it anymore Ohhh trust me, I do want to move on already. But it's just hard to know which is the best path to take and which will lead to the least grudge holding for both of us: forget about the money (which each of you say to do, and which I think probably is the best thing to do), or tell him I want it back. I feel as though if it's not brought up again, then I wont push the subject, but if it is..then maybe I should say something? I don't know. I guess we'll just see what he says or does in the future. If nothing, then I wont even try bothering him about it again.
TaraMaiden Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 You so obviously want to ask him for it - that I suggest you ask him for it. Send him an e-mail, just asking him - "hey, by the way, you know that $60? I could really do with it. Could you give it to me please?" Really - don't beat about the bush, and prevaricate. You're broken up. He's your ex. You don't make up a pair. You're two individuals. And one of you owes the other, money. So? Ask him for it!
highviolet Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I'm confused. Do you not care and don't need the money, or do you not want to forget about it? You can't have it both ways. And this is just 60 bucks we are talking about, right?
marqueemoon4 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) Look, I didn't get back the $8500 engagement ring I bought my wife, and she makes a point to wear a $750 Yurman bracelet I bought her before we were married everytime she drops off our son to me. She also wears this chain with a heart pendant I'm sure her BOYFRIEND bought her at Five Below when I see her. You'll get over it. Edited April 13, 2011 by marqueemoon4
Author Lilmisus Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I'm confused. Do you not care and don't need the money, or do you not want to forget about it? You can't have it both ways. And this is just 60 bucks we are talking about, right? I don't need it no, though it would come in handy of course. But I do care about it, because I always tried to stay true to the whole don't give your man money thing. It's hard to just forget about it when it was something that I was raised not to do (my dad literally talked to me about it several times growing up and made me promise never to do that), and a few people in my life are encouraging me to not let it go. It's just not something that I feel right bringing up right now, so I wasn't sure what was the best way to go about this.
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