longterm Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 NC... No Contact. Yes, we all know what that stands for. I have noticed that most people here are trying to use the NC to gain advantage for themselves. Constantly waiting for the X to crack and come back pleading for them as we once pleaded. Games played etc. NC is extremely difficult!! It wears on you just as all the thought put into the X. I have learned a good lesson from forum member Tyler123. NC should actually be used for YOUR OWN healing process. Rather than use it to try to gain advantage upon your X. You should really be keeping this NC for yourself. So that YOU DONT go around thinking about your X. So that you can move on. NC really sucks. In most cases it has no time limit. One of you will break it sooner or later. Contact will be made. Meets will occur and the process may just happen all over again until FINALLY we become ok and can move on. MY X is actually giving me NC because she wants to help me move on. Your X just may be doing the same thing. I think that all members should think into this for a moment. My situation was due to an unknown future. I was lucky enough to get an answer to our break. I knew the answer but it's always nice to get it from the dumper. I wanted a future with marriage etc. and even though this was brought up right away, it caused concern and pressure. MY X wants me to have someone that will give me all that I need. She cant right now and doesnt know if she ever will. Therefore her sudden decision was to end the relationship. NC was given to me. There are a lot of different situations on here but all of us are in a break up. I'm just posting here to allow you to think about this and ask yourself if BOTH of you are giving each other NC. To try to allow both of you to heal and move on. Because think about it, if both of you are giving the NC. This NC is gonna last a very long long time. NC sucks bigtime! Best to use it for your own healing process and NOT to try to gain advantage in most cases. NC can however truly provide us some hope. We wait to see if the X is missing us at all. If they will come back. In some cases they do come back because the X has realized they do have feelings for you. NC sucks the life out of you though. It still should be used as your own personal healing process and NOT to try to gain advancement. I'm just sayin. Use it to try to help yourself and it will most likely work because you will actually heal quicker and the NC thing is still taking place on the other end. Either way, over time something will happen. You will either move on after exhausting all efforts. Find happiness with your new life. Get your X back with better understanding (Most of the time it's just miss communication). Not too many times has it totally worked out though. Once a decision is made for a break, it's over. If there is a new beginning then so be it, but what was, has ended. NC sucks! So hard on us all. Thanks to Tyler123 for some new light on the subject. Just wanted to share it and hope you can think about what NC will actually do for you in your situation. Peace.
rhonian Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 "One of you will break it sooner or later. Contact will be made." I sure hope this is true but I know who WONT be the 1st to break it....She is the one who told me to "GO" and took my house keys off her keyring and laid them on the table...... She broke it, therefore, she must fix it! But she wont.......foolish pride!
tyler123 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 thanks Longterm for writing that so well. the feelings that come with NC do indeed SUCK, no denying that!!! the key for me is to get REAL HONEST with myself- what brings me peace and recovery here are 2 scenarios black and white 1. anytime the feelings/thinking of "CONTACT" arise I call a friend, go to the gym, write on here , read other posts and their experiences gain some wisdom- realize we can heal and things get easier a day at a time. 2. act on my emotions, emptiness and hurt feelings pick up the phone, send a text. I get her voicemail - I WAIT FOR A CALL BACK OBSSESS MORE NOW THAN I HAVE in past days, write a text- I STARE AT MY PHONE waiting for a response- I don't get one - i am angrier-... Oh i call again she does answer and i get cut off, she does not respond EXACTLY how i want- i hang up and i am pissed as hell. she texts me back and agrees to meet- i wait but can't get her to tell me where and when- she says she has a busy week. LOOK AT THIS energy being that can be better used at work, writing on the board.. Sure my emotions are running wild doing the NC and its sucks but i know this is the A GOOD PAIN and the other is a pain of chasing, holding on to the R causes me a way worse type of pain
Author longterm Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Yep. NC sucks bad and this is different for every one of us. We all have our story. Some are more fierce than others. NC still should be used for OUR OWN healing. If it is only used as a waiting period for one of you to crack, then your NC is going to kill you. Especially if BOTH of you are NC. Like I said, both my X and I were NC and now I think more LC. I know why but it's dumb. We should talk, if we want to talk in my case. If you're finding that your in NC for a long period of time, I mean really... it's probably over and you should do the real healing of yourself. You're probably still using NC to your advantage. If it's not working, then you MUST heal yourself and X cant be a part of that healing process.
EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 2. act on my emotions, emptiness and hurt feelings pick up the phone, send a text. I get her voicemail - I WAIT FOR A CALL BACK OBSSESS MORE NOW THAN I HAVE in past days, write a text- I STARE AT MY PHONE waiting for a response- I don't get one - i am angrier-... Oh i call again she does answer and i get cut off, she does not respond EXACTLY how i want- i hang up and i am pissed as hell. she texts me back and agrees to meet- i wait but can't get her to tell me where and when- she says she has a busy week. LOOK AT THIS energy being that can be better used at work, writing on the board.. That right there is pure gold! So true, we often fool ourselves into thinking that if we give them a chance to reciprocate then they will. It does not always work that way, and what you just described is probably the most lucid and well though out ways of painting a picture of that phenomenon that I have seen.
tyler123 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 so i post, i heal, i read, I heal- i don't call i heal- i feel the pain of NC and realize without need for answers based on actions i am not in a Healthy relationship. I go to work and show up for life though it is hard. I just went to lunch left the phone in the car, get back in and after 10 days of NC she calls and leaves me this long winded message about her having no reasons, no excuses other than her daughter being sick why she has not talked to me. I made a decision to before the voice mail and am holding myself accountable that i would post on here before i acted on my emotions to just pick up the phone and call her back. part of me does want to and part of me wants to continue the NC. i think my NC just became mixed between healing myself and not running at her beck and call like the little puppy dog i have been for 4 yrs and the other part of just moving on and knowing in my gut that this is not the type of friendship/relationship that i truly desire- i did listen to the message 3 times analyzing it- pointless cause this is about me and how she treats me and i need to accept that i don't want to be a roller coaster, in and out type of guy. She is who she is. And i think while i have been typing this i have calmed down and feel less inclined to call her and stick to my guns.. .do you think I might be acting too sensitive and trying to hard to teach her a lesson? part of me says i am cause her daughter was sick and she is going through so much in her life right now.. oh boy
EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 so i post, i heal, i read, I heal- i don't call i heal- i feel the pain of NC and realize without need for answers based on actions i am not in a Healthy relationship. I go to work and show up for life though it is hard. I just went to lunch left the phone in the car, get back in and after 10 days of NC she calls and leaves me this long winded message about her having no reasons, no excuses other than her daughter being sick why she has not talked to me. I made a decision to before the voice mail and am holding myself accountable that i would post on here before i acted on my emotions to just pick up the phone and call her back. part of me does want to and part of me wants to continue the NC. i think my NC just became mixed between healing myself and not running at her beck and call like the little puppy dog i have been for 4 yrs and the other part of just moving on and knowing in my gut that this is not the type of friendship/relationship that i truly desire- i did listen to the message 3 times analyzing it- pointless cause this is about me and how she treats me and i need to accept that i don't want to be a roller coaster, in and out type of guy. She is who she is. And i think while i have been typing this i have calmed down and feel less inclined to call her and stick to my guns.. .do you think I might be acting too sensitive and trying to hard to teach her a lesson? part of me says i am cause her daughter was sick and she is going through so much in her life right now.. oh boy Not knowing the details it seems to me that the part I bolded is your brain playing tricks on you and rationalizing. The only reason I think this is because the same thing happens to me... You broke up for a reason, right? Stay strong! I keep catching myself going over old emails and texts and have to constantly snap myself out of it.
Exit Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Ideally this is all true, NC is meant to help yourself heal, not to try to get the person back. We should all know that's the real purpose of NC. But why do 99% of us really implement this tactic? What attracts us to it? All the stories of "go NC and your ex will want you back!". It's why most of us do it, and there's no real point in denying that. It's okay though, because you can do a bit of both at once. While you're waiting and hoping that this is going to bring the other person back, you still are getting some space from them and you still are starting to heal a little bit. Over time you do want to shift more emphasis onto the personal healing part of it all, but if things are relatively recent for you and you admit to yourself that you know you're doing NC so they'll miss you and come back, I think it's okay.
Steven T Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I believe you should never use NC to get someone back, why cause eachother so much grief? If you want to with him/her just contact them and tell them how you feel, if they dont feel the same then you can go NC to heal yourself.
tyler123 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 thanks EXIT- i for sure can admit i am clouded on the reasons - i can accept and admit it's definitely both. She called today and left a voice message- i need to focus on the reason for NC is so i dont jump everytime she calls and respond instantly- i think if i do end up talking to her it will be when i feel less emotional. the beauty is i am self aware that i am still hurt and this time of NC will allow me to not be so knee jerk. funny cause the longer i go with abstinence the more i ask myself is this the type of person i want to be with... oh uh things are changing:)
EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I believe you should never use NC to get someone back, why cause eachother so much grief? Agree with this 100%. Using it as some sort of tool to fish for a response is shady.
Starsky_182 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I recently split with my girlfriend, followed the nc rule but she decided to text me some random msg about a dream she with me and she wanted to know I'm ok although I didn't reply it's opened up the wound again and I feel like I'm back to square1 so nc is definitely beneficial to healing so long as both stick to it, once it's broken it's like opening a can of worms again.
tyler123 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I believe you should never use NC to get someone back, why cause eachother so much grief? If you want to with him/her just contact them and tell them how you feel, if they dont feel the same then you can go NC to heal yourself. steve T - i guess i am using NC to figure out if i want to enter this dance again- i am not even sure she does. I do know there is no way i can decide if i am already trying to dance.. NC is allowing me to see things with less noise
tyler123 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 i do not believe you are at square one because she texted you.. NOT AT ALL. i got a call and voice mail from mine today- truth is we never officially said we were taking a break or ending thing- we just stopped (she initiated) communicated 10days ago. Not even sure what to make of this but as for you MR. Starsky you are not at square one, i know that anxious feeling you are having from seeing her reach out, but trust me if you call her and text her you will feel way worse if things are not exactly the way you want them to be.. i know i am not calling mine back today - that would be saying it's always ok to be inconsistent and treat me however you want. i want more deserve more and need time to figure things out with out depending on her for answers- **** if i relied on her i would be in a crack house with running around naked. i am relying on consistent friends and you until i feel grounded with know what direction to go- right now i feel this is much safer... if i take slivers and run to the door everytime one presents it's self i am basically saying " HEY I AM SLIVER/ BREADCRUMB JUNKIE. glad i am in my office, not chasing her ,and not in a crack house!!!
Starsky_182 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) By being back at square1 I mean mentally because I've really struggled to forget her and just when I was starting to she text me the joke with my situation is 2weeks after we split she was with some1 else...but still randomly texting me! Your right in what you say though, you deserve better than that, you seem quite strong and I'm sure if you keep that way you'll be fine. Edited April 13, 2011 by Starsky_182
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