My husband's affair.

[pinkrainbows]

Firstly pleased to meet you all.

My husband of almost 40 years had a year long affair last year which i found out about. I had my suspicions but as the saying goes, never thought it could happen to me........ how wrong.

I found out with a text and a picture of his mistress saying he was so sorry that WE had to come home from our holiday ( we were both away and i became ill and asked to be brought home). I suspected something away on holiday as his phone was switched off.

 

Well i waiting until we got home and confronted him and he denied it and after me shouting he finally admitted he had been seeing someone for a year and he loved her. I immediately threw him out.

Within minutes he was on the phone crying,begging pleaded etc etc and saying how sorry and stupid he was and that he DID LOVE ME.!!

 

Well that was 9 months ago and alot has happened, to much to go into right now.

After alot of talking i took him back as i knew he was so very sorry and broke all contact off with the other woman.

What i cannot do and cannot see me doing is ever moving on from this.

I asked alot of what they did sexually, dates, when, where and he kept nothing from me. It made me sick to the stomach and i still keep reliving these thoughts of them together. I thought things were getting easier the past few weeks but its all come back again big time and my head is so messed up.

You see he had his own company, is very successful and worked away alot and stayed in fancy hotels, now i know with her.

 

Can i also add that i have a very dibilitating painful illness and am mainly housebound and feel so lonely again. He is away now but i do trust him its just i seem to be stuck and he thinks things are ok, NOT!!.

 

If i mention it anymore its, "oh here we go again".

Well its not forgotten and never will be.

 

Our marriage now dosn't seem the same although i knew it would never be again. I took him back after 3 weeks and our sex life went through the roof and he really worked on our marriage. He took me away for weekends and things became good again.

However the past weeks i have gone off him sexually and can't bare him to touch him and darn't tell him either although he knows somethings wrong.

I love him or he would'nt be here. I just cannot show any feeling toward him and hate him for the hurt, betrayal and what he did to me. It made me so ill in the weeks after the affair i was under the Doctor with sleeping pills and tranqulisers to help me cope hour by hour.

My son and daughter got me though this horrific time as i felt as if something or someone had died.

I have had councelling many times and its not helping me at all and have no-one now to talk with as all my family and close friends think everything is back to normal.

 

Please if anyone has or ill going through this hell right now i would appreciate someone to talk with who understands how i am feeling. I just want all this to go away and pretend it never happened to me.

 

I know my grown up children are also arranging a party for us in June this year to celebrate our Ruby Wedding but i don't want to go.

 

I am so mixed up in my head somedays i feel as if i am loosing it and going mad.......

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

[Irishlove]

Firstly pleased to meet you all.

My husband of almost 40 years had a year long affair last year which i found out about. I had my suspicions but as the saying goes, never thought it could happen to me........ how wrong.

I found out with a text and a picture of his mistress saying he was so sorry that WE had to come home from our holiday ( we were both away and i became ill and asked to be brought home). I suspected something away on holiday as his phone was switched off.

 

Well i waiting until we got home and confronted him and he denied it and after me shouting he finally admitted he had been seeing someone for a year and he loved her. I immediately threw him out.

Within minutes he was on the phone crying,begging pleaded etc etc and saying how sorry and stupid he was and that he DID LOVE ME.!!

 

Well that was 9 months ago and alot has happened, to much to go into right now.

After alot of talking i took him back as i knew he was so very sorry and broke all contact off with the other woman.

What i cannot do and cannot see me doing is ever moving on from this.

I asked alot of what they did sexually, dates, when, where and he kept nothing from me. It made me sick to the stomach and i still keep reliving these thoughts of them together. I thought things were getting easier the past few weeks but its all come back again big time and my head is so messed up.

You see he had his own company, is very successful and worked away alot and stayed in fancy hotels, now i know with her.

 

Can i also add that i have a very dibilitating painful illness and am mainly housebound and feel so lonely again. He is away now but i do trust him its just i seem to be stuck and he thinks things are ok, NOT!!.

 

If i mention it anymore its, "oh here we go again".

Well its not forgotten and never will be.

 

Our marriage now dosn't seem the same although i knew it would never be again. I took him back after 3 weeks and our sex life went through the roof and he really worked on our marriage. He took me away for weekends and things became good again.

However the past weeks i have gone off him sexually and can't bare him to touch him and darn't tell him either although he knows somethings wrong.

I love him or he would'nt be here. I just cannot show any feeling toward him and hate him for the hurt, betrayal and what he did to me. It made me so ill in the weeks after the affair i was under the Doctor with sleeping pills and tranqulisers to help me cope hour by hour.

My son and daughter got me though this horrific time as i felt as if something or someone had died.

I have had councelling many times and its not helping me at all and have no-one now to talk with as all my family and close friends think everything is back to normal.

 

Please if anyone has or ill going through this hell right now i would appreciate someone to talk with who understands how i am feeling. I just want all this to go away and pretend it never happened to me.

 

I know my grown up children are also arranging a party for us in June this year to celebrate our Ruby Wedding but i don't want to go.

 

I am so mixed up in my head somedays i feel as if i am loosing it and going mad.......

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

Is the affair done and over? Is he still with her? Can you talk to one of your children or sit down with all of them?

You really need to communicate with your husband. Explain how you are feeling. I had to get counseling after my husband cheated. I didn't celebrate another anniversary. We've had ten.

[alturrnababe]

I went through something similar. It's horrible. I TOTALLY sympathize and know what you are going through. Cheaters are selfish and mean...looking at someone else and acting on it when you are married is....just beyond self absorbed. I'm sending you a hug, since I know what you are feeling. You'll know what to do eventually.

[HalfAlive22]

I so know what your going throug my h had multiple affairs that I knew nothing about for years, until he fell , or thought he fell for one of them and though about leaving..he did'nt end up leaving and we worked on it for 2 and a half years, went to therapy, vacations, you name it, and our sex life was always good, but it got even better, then the same thing happend, I started thinking about what he did everyday, some weeks I'd be fine and we'd be happy, then something would trigger everything and I"d be miserable again, and so confused as to what to do..I was lost. I finally decided to get out, and I like you have adult children and they get me through too...I was so happy to finally get out of this dark cave I had been in, but now he's back trying to do everything he can to get me back, and I find myself falling, but i'm trying not to. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but like I said it's been 2 and a half years, and I feel the same, maybe it just takes longer I don't know, I don know going on medication helped take the edge off a little, the best thing you can do is stay busy, go out with friends and do things you enjoy with him too. Hope you find peace..

[KikiW]

I'd recommend telling your children that you really aren't up for a party. I think that will just make you depressed or angry (or both). If they do not know the circumstances, you can always tell them you aren't feeling well and do not want them to spend money when there is a good chance you wouldn't be able to make it and enjoy the fruits of their labor.

 

I would also tell your husband to knock off the "here we go again" crap. At the same time, however, you should probably find a counselor to help you organize your thoughts, discover how you really feel, and figure out what you want to do about the situation. Without actively doing something to move past it (no matter what the outcome is - you may rediscover your love for him, or decide he's a slime and you're completely done with him), you're just going to continue simmering until you drive yourself crazy.

 

Good luck.

[pinkrainbows]

A huge thankyou for answering me and giving me advice.

I don't feel so lonely now and seem to feel a bit better in myself having offloaded how i feel.

Yes the affair finished immediately but it was the deceit and all the lies being told to me for months previously that i also can't get out my head. He used to ring me when he was away chatting normally and saying how much he loved and missed me and then went straight to bed with her.

 

 

I honestly think i need someone again proffessionly to help me deal with these thoughts and to help me come to terms with what i do want to do.

 

You are so right about the party as i just can't bare it and shall tell him this weekend when we have more time.

I certainly don't want to celebrate an anniversary again as i feel at the moment either as all the vows he made have been broken.

He even offered for us to renew our vows but i can't see what difference it will make right now either.

I try to keep myself as occupied and busy as my illness allows but being in chronic pain 24/7 is hard some days. ( I have Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME).

 

What i do know is how much stronger i am now and no-one will ever mess with me again.

I also should mention his mother died whilst he was having an affair and i was trying my best to care for her whilst being ill myself.

 

I shall talk with my family too as too how i feel but having grandchildren too its hard as i never see them on their own much now.

Thanks again. You have been very helpful.

[seren]

Hi Pink Rainbows,

40 years! Wow! I have been 25 years married and thought that was long, to have made it to 40 years must mean something was going good for all those years. My H had a 8 month A and like you, I was absolutely floored, that was over 2 and a half years ago and can say, hand on heart, that it gets better, truly. 9 months on is not so very far, I can remember that at the 9 months stage I too was going through the same things you speak of and it was bloody awful. had someone told me that me and H would be where we are now I would not have believed it.

 

I should cancel the party, for now at least, it will feel like a sham, I thought everything was a sham for a while. Like you, I too have a chronic illness and am in pain each and every day, it can sometmes see us (general) blaming the fact we are ill for the A, don't know if that relates with you, but you know, one thing I have learned from H and from this board is that the A is always about the WS, not about anyone or anything else. It is how they cope with problems, even if they had met someone else and wanted to be with them (and if he had he would be), they chose to not be honest and instead dealt with things by being dishonest. So, no beating yourself up.

 

I didn't go the counselling route, but many have and found it beneficial. We worked hard to reconcile, but I never thought to leave anyway as I love h, however, had he wanted to continue to see OW, then he would have had to go, I don't do sharing. Total honesty, brutal honesty at times, answering all I asked, over and over, until I had the picture of it clear in my head - I then balanced what we had against the 8 months H's A went on, what it was, what it meant and then looked at whether I could forgive. H also had to look deep within himself and look at what and why and how, in our situation, H didn't love the OW (sometimes makes it worse) and I had no fears about that. The mind pictures were worse than I had imagined, pretty dammed sleazy and once spoken about, demystified it all and shoed it for what it was.

 

It takes time, lots and lots of it, 9 months is not far along at all. It can work, it can get better. What do you want Pink?

[pinkrainbows]

Thanks Siren for sharing you story with me as it has helped knowing someone else as well feels the same. I was told it may take 2/3 years and at the time did'nt believe anyone.

 

If i am honest i cann't imagine life on my own but right now i am seriously wondering if i want to spent the rest of my life with him if that makes sense.

Sorry but feel very muddled up and its eating away at me.

You see when i was first diagnosed 10 years ago i was bedbound for 6 months and he could'nt handle me being ill and we did drift apart. Our sex like went out the window and he became very distant with me and would'nt attempt to work with my Gp and myself to understand my illness and how best to manage it.

 

Then all the working away and staying in hotels started. If i look back he changed years ago. Was always going out with friends on his own as i was'nt able and coming home drunk. If i said anything things would turn nasty with him so i learnt to keep quiet. He always blamed the pressures of work.

 

I have read books especially "after the affair" but nothing is helping me now. I sit here somedays and it all comes flooding back and feels unreal as if it happened to someone else and not me.

For the first 6 months or so things with is were brilliant after i took him back, on my terms. Went went abroad, weekends away and he was a diffferent person and could'nt do enough for me. I began to think we could work things out.

However the past few weeks he has gone back to how he was, snappy and rude at time with me and i don't like the person he has become again.

 

My two grown up children also work for their father and think everything is great. If i do manage to say anything to my daughter she puts her head down now and says she can't deal with it as feels in the middle. When she goes i burst into tears as i havent done anything wrong here.

As for my son his ex-wife has an affair which lasted a very long time with his best friend so i can talk to him as he understands but don't hardly see him now to talk with on his own.

 

I would say to anyone thinking of having an affair or having one to stop and think what you are doing as when it does come out and it always does the consequences and the fall out are horrific. I remember going into complete shock for days and thought i was loosing my mind and could'nt stop being sick thinking of all the disgusting things they did behind my back while i was ill at home.

I also have never met this person but saw a photo of her on his phone and keep wanting to meet her and tell her how i feel.

 

I did ring her up when i found out and she told me they loved each other and other sick things i didn't want to hear.

He ended the affair that afternoon and she called him a b------d.

You see she has parkinsons disease which was like a kick in the teeth.

Hope you don't mind me waffling on but its doing me good to talk to you all and put my thoughts and feeling down on here.

Thanks again for the advice and support.

[Spark1111]

Like PTSD, there are five stages to recovering from an affair: Shock, denial,anger, bargaining, and acceptance.

 

With both parties doing everything right, the process is a difficult two to five years.

 

Sometimes these stages overlap and it feels like one step forward and two steps back.

 

You sound like you are somewhere in denial and anger....and it is perfectly normal.

 

You need to speak with a counselor trained in healing from infidelity. Your children should not be your confidantes, no matter their ages.

 

You and he should get to Marriage Counseling to learn how to better communicate about his affair. It is normal for the WS to be so over it, waaaay before the BS is. Your H needs to understand how patient he has to be, maybe for the rest of his life, with you and the rollercoaster of emotions you will continue to experience on the road to recovery.

 

He also needs to understand why he had the affair as a means to reassure you it will never happen again.

[Snowflower]

 

My two grown up children also work for their father and think everything is great. If i do manage to say anything to my daughter she puts her head down now and says she can't deal with it as feels in the middle. When she goes i burst into tears as i havent done anything wrong here.

As for my son his ex-wife has an affair which lasted a very long time with his best friend so i can talk to him as he understands but don't hardly see him now to talk with on his own.

 

 

I'm so sorry for your pain and what you are feeling is normal

 

Have you talked to anyone about what you are going through? Have you been to a counselor or have you and your H gone to marital counseling?

 

The reason I ask about therapy is because of what you wrote above.^^^^

 

Your children (even if they are adults) should not be the ones you share your emotions with about this. They are confused-as evidenced by your daughter's reaction. Please don't make them bear this burden. Find another confidante--a trusted friend, a therapist, clergy, etc.

 

I think they want to give you the anniversary party in hopes that it will make things better.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Hi Pink Rainbows,

40 years! Wow! I have been 25 years married and thought that was long, to have made it to 40 years must mean something was going good for all those years.

 

I have to disagree here. The length of the marriage does not say anything about the quality. It only means that none of the partners has decided to divorce. I have met many married people in my life, some married only for a couple of years, some a lot longer. Some very unhappy.

Being married for 40 years is great if the marriage was great most of the time. But if you were mostly feeling lonely, the lenght really does not mean a thing.

 

I understand the shock of the TO at what happened. I would be surprised if this is her H's first affair, seen the fact that he is often gone for work.

 

Are you happy in this marriage? That's the most important question. And if you don't feel like celebrating the 40th anniversary, don't do it. First work things out, check if you can have a better connection with your H and then maybe you can celebrate your 41st anniversary. But don't hold that party only to put up a brave face and feel miserable inside the whole time.

[Baroness67]

It will mean letting on that the state of the marriage is not the best if you don't have any celebration at all, but I agree that it's the better choice as opposed to putting on a charade. With any luck, you will work through this, each in your own way, and have a party that means something a few more years down the road.

 

I am sorry about the affair. The only thing that I see that sounds promising is that if he dumped her right away when you found out, is that she was just about the sex and fun and escape for him the whole time. The minute she threatened your family, she became expendable to him. Regarding the Parkinsons, that's just your thinking that there was something to her choice of her as some kind of "better woman" than you are. It wasn't about that at all. It was about the escape, the lack of pressure - sounds like with his mother dying, his hard work hours, etc. he just needed an outlet. Not acceptable that he had an affair, of course, but these days I have found the capacity to understand even the things I don't accept or like.

 

You have to walk through the process of healing. It's not fun. Also not helpful to talk to your kids. There will be no way you can't damage their relationship with their father, and you should try to avoid doing that insofar as you are able to avoid it. You need a good therapist. It worked wonders for me.

[pinkrainbows]

Well i am all mixed up now but boy after reading all the above a 2 or 3 times things are starting to fall into place a little.

I realize that i need to get my own head straight before i can move on with anything.

 

You probably won't agree with my but both my children came to see me today, They are 36 and 39 and both came as are worried about their dad at work. They said he is snapping, shouting at everyone and has gone back to his old ways. They also asked if i wanted to talk and i let all my feelings out to them both. They are with me 100% and said they will always be here for me. I said in my first post that i tried therapy and it didn't help. In fact it made things worse. I don't know what to do. I am seeing my Doctor next week about my health so will talk with him. All the stress of this is making me very poorly and sick.

 

The relationship between my grown up kids and their dad was damaged when he had the affair as he spun many lies to both of them at work when he went away and also things that i don't feel i can talk about here with them.

 

I havent told you but my husband is in hospital right now having his knee manipulated under anaesthetic as he had a total knee replacement last year which was'nt very successful and have no feeling about him being there and not been worried at all. Surely this can't be normal to feel like this.:confused:

 

What i do know is that i need to really tell him exactly how i am feeling right now and that is very unhappy.

 

We have also been invited to a family wedding at the beginning of June and i can't go as i know i will crack up and spoil things.

What a mess this is. I just feel like running away from everything if i was able.:confused:

Think i need some sleep so will say goodnight.