Why can't I stop thinking about this?

[welikeincrowds]

And what the hell am I doing back on this side of the forum?! I figured at least a year... well, any excuse to hang out with you sweet people, I guess.

 

The truth is, I have been torturing myself with a rejection from a small fling that happened months ago. And I've been torturing myself with the embarrassment of torturing myself with a rejection from a small fling that happened months ago.

 

I dated a really sexy and into sex, very beautiful and stylish, fun-loving girl who seemed to enjoy dating me for some reason. At first, I wasn't sure I liked her. I wasn't sure we got along on a fundamental level. She was clearly very smart, but it was like we spoke a different language at times. I couldn't really talk to her about important stuff, and I didn't really get her or her lifestyle. I wasn't even sure I was that attracted to her. Plus, she definitely didn't want a relationship, as she was hooking up with multiple people and had very recently (weeks?) split up with a bad relationship of her own. I mean you probably couldn't pile the red flags higher and I ignored them all because I was stupid.

 

Then we had an awkward night of sex and that changed everything. This was my first time being with a girl in a few years and I was nervous as hell, and I sucked. Meanwhile, this is the type of girl that can get with any guy she wants.

 

She went from being into me, to completely losing interest.

 

So, now? Now I feel like I blew it with a model and a sex goddess. That I was judged by an expert on the subject as a fundamentally unsexy, impotent excuse for a man, like I've been damned to be never sexually attractive to anyone really fun and sexually attractive and into having awesome sex like her ever again.

 

At least, that's how I feel about it. Any number of about a million things could be factually untrue. This "relationship" was fraught from the start anyway. That's not the problem.

 

I just... thought I knew how to deal with this, but it's like I've forgotten everything. I'm letting my identity as an attractive male be held hostage by the shadow of a past fling that just didn't work out, as many flings don't, and ironically, that I realize all this is making me feel even more pathetic.

How do you get your control back from this? How can I un-convince myself that I am such an unattractive, sexual failure?

Maybe the answers are obvious, but nothing seems obvious to me right now. At this point, I just barely know on an intellectual level (like a faint light at the end of a tunnel) that I need to get out of this cycle, even though I don't feel that way, because all I feel right now is like ****.

 

Part of it will start by putting her off the pedestal, but at this point, she really seems so much cooler and sexier and more fun and more interesting and more desirable than me. I feel like a loser compared to her.

 

By the way, this is affecting my work performance. I'm actually supposed to be at work right now focusing for a deadline for a project I really love and care about, but right now all I can think about is what happened between us, that is, while I'm not frantically googling her. I'm at a really self-destructive low point right now, having a very low opinion of myself, and again, it's about something that really should not have affected me this hard. It's consuming all my thoughts when those thoughts used to be consumed by stuff other people thought and did that actually mattered, e.g. not myself, my relationships and not a woman.

 

Thanks for reading. I guess I don't really know what to expect as far as responses go, but I'd love to hear anything you'd like to share. I'm going to keep lurking for a while and hopefully start the "pull my **** life back into gear" wheels turning.

Edited April 13, 2011 by welikeincrowds

[welikeincrowds]

One thing that occurred to me as I wrote this is that I'm taking it all on myself as a personal failure -- rather than seeing it as a connection between two people that never happened, which is a bummer but essentially no one's fault.

 

That it has affected me as much might have to do with something deeper in me than just this break-up. Maybe, who knows.

[welikeincrowds]

Another thought: I played a game with her in my mind. I had weak self-esteem and thought "What if I suck and what if she doesn't like me" and in doing so I enacted a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I don't know if that makes me feel any better, but at least it sounds like I'm getting closer to figuring out what happened. Having some answers feels better than having no answer.

[betterdeal]

You might have actually noticed all the red flags and actually decided, subconsciously, that having sex with her wasn't all you wanted, and you were actually turned off by them.

 

Also, very pretty girls tend to, in my experience, be a bit, well, floppy and expect sex to be done to them which is a bit off-putting at times. Of course, there are times when I'm a rampaging bull, an unstoppable force who's going to keep driving harder to get that extra half inch in. But that isn't all the time.

 

These are just two possibilities. There are myriad and commonly there's a combination of factors. The positive things are (a) you are attractive as she was attracted to you and (b) you had a nice little fling that didn't drag out and © great tits.

 

Have a wank.

[threebyfate]

I think you liked her a lot more than you're letting on.

[Kamille]

I agree with betterdeal, have a wank.

 

So you had sex with a model? Way to go WLIC. She doesn't sound like much of a sex goddess to me though, as it is common knowledge amongst sex goddesses that we are in charge of making the sexual encounter an exciting and thrilling one. I know what pleases me, so no man can suck with me.

 

By the way, this is affecting my work performance. I'm actually supposed to be at work right now focusing for a deadline for a project I really love and care about, but right now all I can think about is what happened between us,

 

Seriously... You could be doing something I do. When I'm over-worked, tiread and anxious, I transfer that anxiety from work to my love life. My question is this: could you be flipping the scenario here? Could it be that your confidence about your love life is fine, but that really, deep down, the stress and anxiety you feel is linked to stress and anxiety about your work?

[betterdeal]

Seriously... You could be doing something I do. When I'm over-worked, tiread and anxious, I transfer that anxiety from work to my love life. My question is this: could you be flipping the scenario here? Could it be that your confidence about your love life is fine, but that really, deep down, the stress and anxiety you feel is linked to stress and anxiety about your work?

 

Sounds like it is to me. I did this loads: when I felt extra stress the unresolved stuff from my past relationship(s) would surface and I'd be convinced it was a permanent feature of me - that those wounds from the past were what was the problem.

 

In fact, the problems were both: the present day issues were taking me beyond my stress point and the past issues were keeping me constantly near to stress point, so I ended up crossing that line quite frequently.

 

Things to consider (aka things that have stressed me):

 

Are you constipated?

Do you have any ailments?

Are you eating well?

Are you sleeping well?

How much caffeine do you imbibe?

How much other psycho-actives do you consume?

What's the weather like?

Is the project on target?

 

Now for the really fun ones:

 

Do you have phimosis?

Do you have hallux limitus?

 

You sound stressed. Cures for stress that have worked for me:

 

Massage

Yoga

Eating well

Sleeping tablets

Exercise

Daylight lamps

Sunbeds

Haircut including a wet shave and hot towels

A day off work

Talk to the boss about it

Jacuzzi and saunas

Turning off all media

Listening to music

Comedy

Gardening

Cycling

 

You get the picture?

[Kamille]

 

In fact, the problems were both: the present day issues were taking me beyond my stress point and the past issues were keeping me constantly near to stress point, so I ended up crossing that line quite frequently.

 

 

Yes, that's exactly what happens!

 

Printing your email and keeping it handy.

 

(ps: thanks WLIC, you've helped me!)

[welikeincrowds]

I just want to say that I really appreciate that 3 trusted LS friends responded to my plight. I admire all 3 of you, just saying.

 

So you had sex with a model

 

If you can call it that. I don't want to go into detail exactly, but it really got to me, particularly because an experience she had with another guy was brought up that night, so I just felt super inadequate. Also, at the end of the night she asked me if I thought she was attractive. I mean, Jesus Christ, I really ****ed up.

 

But you make a really excellent point. I try to give everything up in bed for a lot of reasons, but especially so that my partner feels open and accepted and ready 2 cum. I actually feel responsible for it (up to a certain point), which is probably a factor in all this. It does take two to ****. Although, she definitely had that image of a kitten, and I'm certain she had all sorts of parlor tricks waiting to be unleashed from her limber body, that unfortunately she lost interest in sharing with me.

 

Could it be that your confidence about your love life is fine, but that really, deep down, the stress and anxiety you feel is linked to stress and anxiety about your work?

 

Well, now I'm pretty sure my confidence is taking a hit, as you can tell by my long posts about myself and my highly negative pitying slant. But at the time, and probably now too, yeah, stress from work is definitely a huge factor. That's probably a big reason why I couldn't perform, especially at the time, as I had a LOT on my plate and I probably shouldn't even have been dating. In fact not 30 minutes before she came to my house I was actually at the office.

 

Now things are still quite stressful, if not in some ways moreso, but at the same time, I have a little more time/breathing room, which is probably part of why I've been able to dwell.

 

I think you liked her a lot more than you're letting on.

 

Ugh, well I developed some pretty strong feelings for her, yeah. You know, smiling in bed while I think about her sort of feelings, stuff reserved for 13 year olds. But, I really was never sure of her, and so I had this constant conflict of doubt and desire. Not listening to my doubts was the real mistake here. And with that fall, comes a fall.

 

Hopefully I won't make that mistake again, but now as a result I have new problems.

 

You might have actually noticed all the red flags and actually decided, subconsciously, that having sex with her wasn't all you wanted, and you were actually turned off by them.

 

It's very likely. I couldn't trust her, or myself with her. At the time I was trying to be as giving as possible, because I believe in the idea that no matter how fleeting your sexual interaction is with someone you give it all earnestly, but I could easily have been fundamentally, subconsciously afraid of or against doing that. That may be why it was so forced. Hmmm. Hmmmm.

 

Also, very pretty girls tend to, in my experience, be a bit, well, floppy and expect sex to be done to them

 

Yeah, I know what you're talking about, and with her, that might be partially true (including my response to Kamille's input).

 

She seemed willing to be a performer. But that's why I get the perception that I failed, because it's like I disappointed her as a performer. As distant and callous as that is, I get it, because I have those same high standards for myself. I let down by myself as well. And I expect that someone who could pull off the sort of earnest sex-kitten persona that she could, would expect a great performer to step it up with her, too, and be immediately turned off by a failure of that sort as well.

 

So I guess what I have to cope with here is that this sort of sexual lifestyle isn't compatible with mine, and that I have sappy uncool romantic sex, and I guess that's okay. Wow, I don't believe a single word I wrote just now.

 

 

In fact, the problems were both: the present day issues were taking me beyond my stress point and the past issues were keeping me constantly near to stress point, so I ended up crossing that line quite frequently.

 

This is probably true. I have a lot of **** and I'm definitely not centered.

 

Are you constipated? Do you have any ailments? Are you eating well? Are you sleeping well? How much caffeine do you imbibe? How much other psycho-actives do you consume? What's the weather like? Is the project on target?

 

At the time, I was basically failing on all those points. I had stopped going to the gym, getting little sleep, high on caffeine all the time, ****ty weather, multiple projects delayed like crazy.

 

Right now, I'm getting back on track on all of those points. The thing I've been most proud of is the gym, which I go to 4-5 days a week, and I've been trying to put a lot of energy toward it.

 

Now for the really fun ones:

 

Do you have phimosis?

Do you have hallux limitus?

Holy **** thank god no, those sound awful.

 

You sound stressed. Cures for stress that have worked for me:

 

Big time. I'm trying to deal and I have been doing many of the things on your list, but I also feel guilty about it, especially until this biggest project of mine is complete. Maybe after that I might have a huge release to relax, but now it's compounded by this coping problem I'm having. But maybe a release in the workplace will inspire a release in this area, too....

 

I've been writing poetry on the subject, which is a horribly cliche'd thing to do, but it's okay because I just don't let anyone but my poet aunt read it. I think that is helping too.

 

Man, long ****ing post. My wrist feels like it's about to call my mom and complain about me. Thanks for reading, seriously.

[welikeincrowds]

(ps: thanks WLIC, you've helped me!)

 

And look at that, you're wonderfully returning the favor. It's just a big love fest here at the loveshack

[betterdeal]

So, case closed. Stress, stuff, things, inauthentic behaviour, by both parties by the sounds of things.

 

Now, the tits. What about them? Small and pointy or big and round?

[betterdeal]

Oh and think about a longer term plan for reducing work stress. Like a career change.

 

If you like.

[Kamille]

And look at that, you're wonderfully returning the favor. It's just a big love fest here at the loveshack

 

Everybody's movin' everybody's groovin' baby! (At the Loveshack).

 

I think you're taking on way too much responsibility for how things unfolded and probably being way too hard on yourself. If she was performing sex kitten, it means she was likely really into you and also trying to impress you. That combined pressure to impress each other could have been what caused you both to feel disconnected in the end.

 

Most women know that men put way too much pressure on themselves the first time. It sounds like you two were simply too caught up in trying to impress each other to successfully step down to a level where you could actually be real and playful with each other. Again though, that's not just on you. It's also on her.

[welikeincrowds]

Now, the tits. What about them? Small and pointy or big and round?

 

Hm, well... basically, picture the torso of a skinny young boy. You know, heroin chic fashion model stuff.

 

Next time, I'm going for curves. ****, I hate that I don't feel ready for next time yet.

[betterdeal]

Hm, well... basically, picture the torso of a skinny young boy. You know, heroin chic fashion model stuff.

 

The Kate Moss look? Very nice.

 

Next time, I'm going for curves. ****, I hate that I don't feel ready for next time yet.

 

Hah! As if you're that picky and superficial!

 

Look, you were both stressed and emotionally uptight from recent emotional events. You both went through the motions but it was like doing the robot instead of the tango. And you both felt a bit paranoid / bad about it afterwards. The thing is, it happens, a lot, with studs and sex-kittens and every type of person in the world.

 

Sex is not a competitive sport. And worrying about performance is a bugger, but once you get into the frame of mind that (a) this is some fun (b) each mishap can become a laughing point © it's just not the end of the world, your worry will start to subside.

 

You cum quickly? Say "well, that one was for me - the next one is for you!" and turn it into a funny bit of a fun time. You see what I'm saying?

 

You've over-stated her prowess in all of this. No matter how pretty someone is, it's all the same basic bits and pieces glued together. She may well have had a string of these types of encounters and be thinking she *must* be unattractive because of it, when in fact she's just had a *string* of sexual encounters.

 

Glass half full, old bean.

[welikeincrowds]

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that I did some creepy snooping on some online **** she wrote, and learned about how she was "DTF" with some other guy in January and she was being insecure about it. She also commented on things like his looks and his skill in bed and the size of his penis. I mean, worlds of immature **** right? It makes me feel bad for no real reason. I mean, I was having sex with someone else in January, too. Then again, she said she had feelings for him, and that she felt like he was out of her league. I can't pinpoint why but it hit me hard.

 

****, why did I do that? Why am I even talking about this. This is not at all helpful for my feelings. I'm embarrassed that I even did that, but it's actually the reason I'm feeling this way right now, it's the reason I wrote this thread. I googled her on some self-destructive whim and reading that set me back in a huge way. And just now I thought it about it and I reflexively, physically, reached my hands up and covered my eyes, and then I wrote this post.

 

Trying to absorb what you guys have written because I know it's the answer and it is the key to health. I've already felt better today from it....

Edited April 14, 2011 by welikeincrowds

[betterdeal]

Empty vessels make the most noise. If she's gabbing off about private matters in public then that's the kind of person she is right now.

 

Talking about what you did and how you feel within the safety of, basically, an online therapy group such as this is a good way to realise those feelings, so less of the of the negative self-criticism for feeling what you feel!

 

Let it out, brother, let it out

[welikeincrowds]

I wish I had a way to post in a thread without bumping it to the top.

 

I just had a moment of clarity, and I want to get it out completely before I lose it. I want to do it here, rather than in a journal, because what you guys have said has really begun to grow teeth, and I want to keep this close to your advice.

 

"Nah, **** her."

 

So I'm just sitting here, trying to wrap my head around the idea that my experience was something similar to being a droplet of water from her shower head -- it sounds retarded, but I was into it -- and it just occurred to me:

 

what the **** am I talking about?

 

I am way more interested in this idea right now than I ever was in her. She hardly qualifies as a muse. She's a muse by accident.

 

Nah, **** her.

 

Frankly, I didn't even like this girl that much. She was a fool. Weird and shallow and overstimulated and decorated all over in cheap charms. I decided to try one more date with her on a whim. From there I wrapped myself up in my own psychological ****, playing all sorts of tricks and games with myself.

 

It was all for selfish, self-absorbed reasons. I just wanted to cut through my constant stress with passion, from any source. I wanted to be interested, so I made her interesting. I wanted to be inspired, so I made her inspiring. I wanted to be in love, so I made her lovely. The irony is, one of the last things she ever said to me was "I just don't know what you want from me."

 

I don't mean to vilify her all the sudden. She's perfectly fine. And I still take this on as essentially my fault. I mean, you can't get a response like "I just don't know what you want from me" without having been seriously off along the way.

 

It's just that I'm pretty sure I'm seeing this for what it was now. I was very active in creating this small myth as a diversion for myself. I started believing my own story (herp derp) and now it feels like its all coming back to me. Unfortunately, in this process, I essentially led on this girl, and, moreover, myself.

 

So, that's what I mean. Nah, not doing this anymore. **** her, she's long gone.

 

You know, maybe I pushed myself to look her up on purpose. Maybe I really needed to find that last bit of damning evidence to shock myself out of somnambulism.

 

One of many good things that has come of this pseudorelationship is that I've been reminded me how much I love writing for myself. I'm going to continue, even though the tallest wave of feeling has passed, being fully aware now that nothing about any of it belongs to her. I've rediscovered my favorite tool for examining what is mysterious to me, about myself and the outside world. That's a gift that I suppose I can thank her for.

 

I also had this flash of excitement and optimism with regards to women. I imagined being legitimately excited about someone, because of that someone, and no other reason.

 

Everything you guys are saying is starting to sink in. I'm can feel myself being informed. Again, it's within the context of your words that these thoughts are coming to me and so that's why I'm writing everything here.

 

I'm probably going to have to look back on this within the next couple of days, just to stay on track a bit. I really hope I got all of my clarity down, because it was the most amazing thing, I felt completely free.

[welikeincrowds]

Empty vessels make the most noise. If she's gabbing off about private matters in public then that's the kind of person she is right now.

 

Talking about what you did and how you feel within the safety of, basically, an online therapy group such as this is a good way to realise those feelings, so less of the of the negative self-criticism for feeling what you feel!

 

Let it out, brother, let it out

 

Damn, look at that coincidence! Maybe what I actually felt was you channeling your positive encouragement over to me. Thanks bro!

[hoping2heal]

And what the hell am I doing back on this side of the forum?! I figured at least a year... well, any excuse to hang out with you sweet people, I guess.

 

The truth is, I have been torturing myself with a rejection from a small fling that happened months ago. And I've been torturing myself with the embarrassment of torturing myself with a rejection from a small fling that happened months ago.

 

I dated a really sexy and into sex, very beautiful and stylish, fun-loving girl who seemed to enjoy dating me for some reason. At first, I wasn't sure I liked her. I wasn't sure we got along on a fundamental level. She was clearly very smart, but it was like we spoke a different language at times. I couldn't really talk to her about important stuff, and I didn't really get her or her lifestyle. I wasn't even sure I was that attracted to her. Plus, she definitely didn't want a relationship, as she was hooking up with multiple people and had very recently (weeks?) split up with a bad relationship of her own. I mean you probably couldn't pile the red flags higher and I ignored them all because I was stupid.

 

Then we had an awkward night of sex and that changed everything. This was my first time being with a girl in a few years and I was nervous as hell, and I sucked. Meanwhile, this is the type of girl that can get with any guy she wants.

 

She went from being into me, to completely losing interest.

 

So, now? Now I feel like I blew it with a model and a sex goddess. That I was judged by an expert on the subject as a fundamentally unsexy, impotent excuse for a man, like I've been damned to be never sexually attractive to anyone really fun and sexually attractive and into having awesome sex like her ever again.

 

At least, that's how I feel about it. Any number of about a million things could be factually untrue. This "relationship" was fraught from the start anyway. That's not the problem.

 

I just... thought I knew how to deal with this, but it's like I've forgotten everything. I'm letting my identity as an attractive male be held hostage by the shadow of a past fling that just didn't work out, as many flings don't, and ironically, that I realize all this is making me feel even more pathetic.

How do you get your control back from this? How can I un-convince myself that I am such an unattractive, sexual failure?

Maybe the answers are obvious, but nothing seems obvious to me right now. At this point, I just barely know on an intellectual level (like a faint light at the end of a tunnel) that I need to get out of this cycle, even though I don't feel that way, because all I feel right now is like ****.

 

Part of it will start by putting her off the pedestal, but at this point, she really seems so much cooler and sexier and more fun and more interesting and more desirable than me. I feel like a loser compared to her.

 

By the way, this is affecting my work performance. I'm actually supposed to be at work right now focusing for a deadline for a project I really love and care about, but right now all I can think about is what happened between us, that is, while I'm not frantically googling her. I'm at a really self-destructive low point right now, having a very low opinion of myself, and again, it's about something that really should not have affected me this hard. It's consuming all my thoughts when those thoughts used to be consumed by stuff other people thought and did that actually mattered, e.g. not myself, my relationships and not a woman.

 

Thanks for reading. I guess I don't really know what to expect as far as responses go, but I'd love to hear anything you'd like to share. I'm going to keep lurking for a while and hopefully start the "pull my **** life back into gear" wheels turning.

 

I doubt it was the sex. There are very few things less attractive in a man than a self-defeating attitude and I will bet it was that, not the sex that turned her off.

[welikeincrowds]

I doubt it was the sex. There are very few things less attractive in a man than a self-defeating attitude and I will bet it was that, not the sex that turned her off.

 

Yes, that's for certain. She saw me at a very low point, and I'm pretty ashamed of that.

[betterdeal]

How you doing?

[welikeincrowds]

Thanks for checking up on me, man.

 

I am doing much better. I'm rejecting her, basically. I'm getting to this point where I don't want to associate with her anymore, I don't want her as a part of my identity.

 

I'm also trying to accept that we did get along on some level, so it's okay to miss some of the positive qualities about her. It's an odd balance. I have to accept the good parts or I won't believe the rejection, but I'm afraid of pining. At the same time, I'm catching myself being surprised at myself for even being worried about it, because in so many ways, she's so distant from me now. So again, an odd balance.

 

I'm nearing the point where I can get in trouble with a different woman. Not there yet, but I'm dropping my toes in the water. I mean just the little tip of my big toe, really.

 

It's just that I don't want to make this same mistake, where I trick myself into being more interested than I am, because I don't always have a clear handle on my feelings. That feeling is not strictly what's holding me back from being 100% committed to finding someone else, but it is a concern of mine. I think I'm just not ready yet, for no other reason than I'm not ready.

Edited April 16, 2011 by welikeincrowds

[ilovedhim]

reading this made me miss my ex...glad you're better though

Edited April 16, 2011 by ilovedhim

[betterdeal]

I get where you're coming from, wlic. Pressure and worry are the mainstays of failure.