KineticsEng Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I have a problem…. I wife of 6+ years doesn’t understand that rejecting my sexual advances time and time again have take a toll on me and have damaged our relationship. Over the years I have begun to lose confidence that we would over become compatible in this regard. I’ve been trying to be a great husband and keep her happy to the best of my ability… do to my knowledge I have. But over the past year I’ve been pulling away from my wife slowly but surely because im becoming less and less attracted to her. She makes it seem like I have a problem because I want sex so much… (I would be fine with 2 or 3 times a week). On the other hand I don’t understand why at the very least she wouldn’t have more sex with me just to please her husband….. I would gladly do it for her. As a matter of fact I do many things for her that I don’t really care to…. But I do it because it pleases her, and she is my wife. It hurts that she wouldn’t at least try to do the same with me…. ( regarding sex anyway). So I stopped initiating sex… It wasn’t going to happen anyway right? So I just left for when she was in the mood…. She wanted it.. she got it. From there I started losing my attraction for her…. I started noticing her weight…. How she dressed… not really doing anything to keep me attracted to her. ( all though she would dress nicer if company were coming over or if she were leaving the house). I told her I was feeling this way…. But no change. Next I emotionally began pulling back. And stopped feeling the need to do many of the little things I would do just to make her happy…. Like attend church every weekend. At this point we both knew that there was a serious problem, and we need to work on fixing it. It’s been hard for me to really accurately describe what I felt was the issue to her. It wasn’t really just the lack of sex…. Its deeper than that. Here is what I think the problem really is…… I think there is a bond that forms with a couple through intimacy and sex. It’s that an emotional bond that at least for me allows me to be more sensitive and communicate my emotions more freely with my mate. We never formed that bond….. all of the rejection over the years have prevented us from having that connection…. A connection that I need. And now I feel like we are just friends. I wish we had that connection that makes me feel like her soul mate but we don’t. And now that we have a child… and more responsibilities I don’t see how we could form that bond this late in the game.. It’s the kind of thing I think that two people either have.. or they don’t. You can pretty much feel it on the first or second date. Unfortunately she just doesn’t get what I mean when I try to explain it to her. She even wrote to me in an email yesterday that sometimes she feels that we would be better off as just friends….. and I feel exactly the same way. We are currently looking for counselors to talk to. Am I wrong in thinking we should just be friends?
Jane Deaux Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 It sounds like you are a couple that has reached the end. And it's a blessing if you both feel this way. Rather than one hurting the other, you can both agree that you don't have "those" feelings for each other and divorce on even ground. Why would you be wrong in thinking you are better off as friends? Everything you have posted on this site so far says you are done. And now she is saying it too. Aren't you happy that she feels the same? Go back and read all your posts. You were finished long before she sent that email. I have a close friend/couple who seem to both not want the other. At the same time, neither is willing to hurt the other either. They are both unwilling to say to the other that the feelings are gone, so they are both stuck in a marriage that neither wants to be in, trying to spare the other person any pain. And yet they are BOTH suffering. Don't be like this. If you have both fallen out of love, then there is no question, it's over. Walk away and make it an equal goal between the two of you to do the best you can as separate parents for your child.
Author KineticsEng Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Thank you for your replay. To be honest, when she wrote me that email I was a bit shocked a first to read it.... but I'm glad she said it. Ive been thinking the same thing for quite some time. Despite my past actions I hate the thought of getting divorced. I also think it may be the right call to make. Maybe we can try a separation first.... I feel like we need to miss each other. And we can then work on forming that bond.... The biggest issue with all of this is that I dont want to be away from our daughter. When im down... shes the only thing that brings me up.
You Go Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Can't say an exact percentage...but I'm willing to wager that 8 or 9 times out of 10, a sexual connection problem is a "heart" and "words" communication problem. What kind of couple decides they are going to separate via email? One that doesn't know how to communicate. You can go this route--but you don't want a repeat in the next relationship, right? So I would do some work on my half of the communication problem. You have nothing to lose by attending MC. You have everything to gain. You throw in the towel prematurely, and you might just be setting yourself up for a whole lotta number of wives. You work on growth through communication. She either joins you, or you grow beyond her.
Author KineticsEng Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Can't say an exact percentage...but I'm willing to wager that 8 or 9 times out of 10, a sexual connection problem is a "heart" and "words" communication problem. What kind of couple decides they are going to separate via email? One that doesn't know how to communicate. You can go this route--but you don't want a repeat in the next relationship, right? So I would do some work on my half of the communication problem. You have nothing to lose by attending MC. You have everything to gain. You throw in the towel prematurely, and you might just be setting yourself up for a whole lotta number of wives. You work on growth through communication. She either joins you, or you grow beyond her. We are 100% without a doubt going to go to counseling. As a matter of act im supposed to look for some local options today and give her the ones that look promising for her to call and check out. I agree, we NEED to go. As far as us separating via email... we didn't do all of that. It as just a statement she made. Absolutely nothing has been decided other than we have to try counseling. Regarding our communication issues..... I agree. We obviously have them. I have never been much of an oral communicator.... however I tend to do quite well over email or written. And thats a problem. My wife on the other hand wants to communicate in person and HATES email and texts. And for situations like these I see her point. In my case I really like to choose my words carefully. When writing, I can do that. However when speaking and asked difficult questions on the fly things tend to come out wrong. From my point of view a lot of my reservation with talking openly with my wife is that shes VERY judgmental. I find she usually makes snap judgments about pretty much everything based on what shes heard from someone else... or TMZ ect... who cares about the facts... or common sense. And im not this way at all... I actually sometimes avoid conversations with her because it almost disgusts me to hear the nonsense coming out of her mouth... and it kind of worries my for my daughter. I dont want her forming opinions the same way. But I digress...... bottom line, she and I NEED to do a better jog of communicating and we NEED to seek counseling. I appreciated your comments. Thank you.
change Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Thank you for your replay. To be honest, when she wrote me that email I was a bit shocked a first to read it.... but I'm glad she said it. Ive been thinking the same thing for quite some time. Despite my past actions I hate the thought of getting divorced. I also think it may be the right call to make. Maybe we can try a separation first.... I feel like we need to miss each other. And we can then work on forming that bond.... The biggest issue with all of this is that I dont want to be away from our daughter. When im down... shes the only thing that brings me up. I'm coming to this from the opposite side of the coin. I'm the party in my marriage that made the marriage sexless. I've had some major depression issues and sexual dysfunction over the last three years of our seven year marriage. I wasn't able to come to terms with the depth of my hopelessness around it -- and thus my fear of dealing with the issue -- until my wife left me almost four weeks ago. She has said a lot of the things you are saying. She "made" herself lose her attraction to me, because it hurt too much to continually feel rejected. She was certain when she left that it was over and that the feelings couldn't be rekindled now that I'm in therapy and getting help. We were in very regular contact over the last month and going to MC. She has had times that she's admitted to me that she's seriously considered coming home and seeing if we can fix it. Then a part of her is afraid that it won't change, and another part says that it was unhealthy for so long that she can't come back. She needs to move on and see what's out there. We need to just be very close friends. I failed to understand that it was about a whole lot more than sex. I had no idea how much it truly weighed on her and her self esteem. I can't express in words how sorry I am that I caused her that kind of pain through my own fear of dealing with the problem at hand. What I'm wondering from your end is this... you say that you need some time apart to miss each other. My wife has said in the last month that she doesn't miss me like I miss her. She's also just not sure if she wants to give me another chance. Now she's on the fence enough that instead of just calling for a divorce, she wants a three month trial separation to see if she wants to work on it because SHE wants it or just because I want it. (I'm not sure I quite understand how another party could make you want to work on the marriage. If you have that doubt that you're doing the wrong thing, shouldn't you just give it one more try?) Ok. Sorry for rambling. Back to my question. You obviously still care about your wife, but you've been very very hurt. Do you truly think with distance that you will miss her? Or, is this a way of seeing how you like and handle being alone? If your wife was actually taking actions that you could see to correct her errors, would that make any difference to you now? Or, would it be too little too late?
floridapad Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 But over the past year I’ve been pulling away from my wife slowly but surely because im becoming less and less attracted to her. She makes it seem like I have a problem because I want sex so much… (I would be fine with 2 or 3 times a week). On the other hand I don’t understand why at the very least she wouldn’t have more sex with me just to please her husband….. I would gladly do it for her. You would gladly have sex for her? your a guy, of course you would. I know where your coming from because I've been there, but I'm going to say it. You are a pussy. She doesn't want to have sex 2 or 3 times a week and your wondering why the marriage is faltering. How about communication. How about going to the next level and knowing your wife at a level deeper than you have ever know her or anyone before. How about learning more about her and yourself. How????? wow that is the easiest question to answer and sometimes the hardest to deliver but here is the answer COMMUNICATION and UNDERSTANDING with and of the opposite sex. If you don't learn with this wife, the same thing will happen with the next one. You gave up along time ago because things didnt flow as naturally as maybe they once did. Its not your fault you don't know how to communicate now. If you really want to learn then read your ass off. Do it for yourself or you will be in the same place with a future wife.
Recommended Posts