is2008 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hi all, I usually post on my log and have posted this exact topic this morning but I'm after a wider input. My ex girlfriend dumped me Jan this year and I've maintained LC/NC for a period of time now. A new woman has entered my life and I've barely known her 24 hours but it's the first girl since my ex that I've clicked with. It's a strange feeling and I feel scared. One part of me tells me to try with this new girl, the other is madly in love with my ex. My ex doesn't treat me well at all, but that's not the point. I have a really strong emotional connection with her and have done for 6.5 years. My ex phoned me 2 days ago after 5 weeks NC on my part, and it's opened the wound right open. She wanted to get back together but couldn't take being criticised for her mistakes so hung up. I feel overwhelmed with emotions and I'm trying to juggle the feelings I have for my ex with the prospect of finding someone that is actually worth my love and time. I issued my ex a 48 hour ultimatum to fix the relationship or not to contact again. I'm in need of advice!!
Duckduckgoose Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Why is your ex contacting you again? Because things didn't work out so well with her new man and she wants to run back to something more comfortable? New girl offers better opportunities. Its funny that exes come knocking when you've found someone else. Its like they KNOW.
Author is2008 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 hey DuckDuckGoose, she said she couldn't live or breathe without me... i don't think she's got anyone else, or been with anyone else. she just wouldn't have the guts to come back to me if she had. i do agree though, it's easier to give someone new a clean slate than it is an old flame. i'd want my ex to bust a gut to make amends, whereas the new girl i've given a fresh slate to.... why should i tar her with the same brush as my ex?
starryeyed12 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hmmm...haven't read your background, but I think before you make a decision, you have to ask yourself some hard questions, and *most importantly* not be afraid of the answers you may find. Are you able to find TRUE forgiveness for the wrongs your ex has put upon you? Are you able to keep the past in the past, and not use it against her in future wrong doings? Are you able to fully TRUST her now, and willing to wipe the slate clean? Do you think that her and yourself have made the significant changes necesary to create a healthier, happier relationship in the few months you have been apart? Do you feel her asking for you back is based on reason and logical conclusions, or emotion and desperation? Conversely, would you be accepting her back based more on reason or emotion? If you answer no, unsure, maybe, or emotional to any of these questions then DO NOT go back to the ex. The story of my ex and I is all about second chances....and third and fourth...etc. etc. Chances are you both have not made significant changes in that time apart, and you will be setting yourself up for heartache and a swift kick back to square one with NC. Spend time with the new girl. Take it slow, as you have only known her a few days and are obviously still healing from your last relationship. Try not to let your heart override your mind. If you were to make a list of all the reasons you want to take her back, how many could you label as an emotional reason and how many as a logical reason? Example- 1. I love the way she smells ---emotional 2. We both want to live in the city---logical 3. She's hot---emotional 4. The sex is great---emotional 5. She's seeing a therapist and getting help for her issues---logical I just made those up obviously, but decide which reasons hold more water to you in the long run and base a decision off that.
GrayClouds Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 How about this... currently your an emotional basket case and all over the place and in not position to be in any relationship. Your not over your EX so it would be unfair to entangle someone new into this mess while the first conversation with the EX in 4 weeks turns into a fight communicates there is solid reason for the break-up. Why not spend some time getting strong, become a better you, someone who know what they want and is willing and able to wait for it. Work on becoming this person and that is when the love of your life will show up.
Author is2008 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 starryeyed12 - you've raised some excellent points, and we're in similar situations with regards to 2nd, 3rd, 4th, nth chances. would i able able to truly forgive my ex and wipe the slate completely clean? no. i'd always hold a grudge that she put me through so much. it may not come to the forefront often but it'll always be there. can i trust her? absolutely not. and i don't think i would ever fully trust her. as for the logical and emotional reasons, well logical reasons are few, namely cultural and religious. emotional reasons definitely outweigh logical. thank you for your advice. GrayClouds - That's the ideal situation isn't it! To be fully healed and a stronger person before allowing yourself to be with someone new however it doesn't always work like that. I've not felt as close to a girl in a long time, and it's closing the door upon a good opportunity. God knows when an opportunity like this will crop up again so it's a tough one!! But thanks for your input too.
Woggle Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Your ex wants you because you have somebody else and now views you as a challenge. Once the challenge element is removed she will break your heart again. I would go with the new woman.
Author is2008 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Woggle, The ex doesn't know about this new girl, unless she has a 6th sense! Thank you for your advice too and I've decided to give this new girl a chance. She's everything I wanted my ex to be, I just need to respect that she's unique in her own right. It's a fine balancing act right now, I just don't want to screw it up! All the best.
Woggle Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Woggle, The ex doesn't know about this new girl, unless she has a 6th sense! Thank you for your advice too and I've decided to give this new girl a chance. She's everything I wanted my ex to be, I just need to respect that she's unique in her own right. It's a fine balancing act right now, I just don't want to screw it up! All the best. For some reason women tend to have a 6th sense when a man starts seeing a new woman. I don't know how they know but they seem to come back for some reason when it happens. Chances are word got back to her.
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Woggle has an excellent point, and I would listen to him. Grayclouds happens to also have an excellent point because, contrary to popular belief, actually - the only one dwelling and perpetuating this mess, is you. You say you could never trust her, yet you're closing the door on an opportunity? What are you, nuts?? You'd really want to go back and risk having that mistrust made even deeper? Trust is a H.U.G.E issue. It's the hardest thing to ever repair, get back and rebuild. It can take years of dedicated work, by both partners - but particularly the one who broke that trust. can you count on her to work that hard? Does she even want to? No. The simplest - and best - thing to do is actually to contact your ex, and tell her to keep right away from you; it didn't work then, and unless she steps up to the plate and admits her responsibilities, it won't work now, "so adiós, have a good life, but sorry dear, it's without me". Then, focus on your new young lady. And if she's the genuine article, give her that credit, and work with her to grow together. If you're on the rebound, and you know you can never treat her the way she deserves - cut her loose. But either way - move on.
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Hi all, I usually post on my log and have posted this exact topic this morning but I'm after a wider input. My ex girlfriend dumped me Jan this year and I've maintained LC/NC for a period of time now. A new woman has entered my life and I've barely known her 24 hours but it's the first girl since my ex that I've clicked with. It's a strange feeling and I feel scared. One part of me tells me to try with this new girl, the other is madly in love with my ex. My ex doesn't treat me well at all, but that's not the point. I have a really strong emotional connection with her and have done for 6.5 years. My ex phoned me 2 days ago after 5 weeks NC on my part, and it's opened the wound right open. She wanted to get back together but couldn't take being criticised for her mistakes so hung up. I feel overwhelmed with emotions and I'm trying to juggle the feelings I have for my ex with the prospect of finding someone that is actually worth my love and time. I issued my ex a 48 hour ultimatum to fix the relationship or not to contact again. I'm in need of advice!! I will simplify it for you. You can continue entertaining all of this with your ex, and you can feel bad. You mention your ex was not very nice to you, but you had a strong emotional connection. Not uncommon. People who hurt us and cause us a continium of pain, evoke very strong emotions. Now, I cannot say I advise going forward with new girl just yet because it's not fair to her. If she knows your true feelings and wants to continue forward, then that is her perogative. However, when you are ready to move forward you can feel good, be with someone who makes you feel good. The girl who was hurtful to you seems to have some major issues of her own and that situation is just not healthy. If you reject her, as you should for your own sanity; be prepared because the manipulation bus is going to come out full swing as it tends to do in these situations.
smudge21 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 You clearly want your ex so much but also realise that it more than likely will end bad. You know the pain will come but you can't bring yourself to reject it. I know the feeling as I too would probably be thinking the same if my ex came back, even though she'd hurt me again. I would do your best to avoid the ex, but also be honest with this new girl. Open up to her and explain exactly what's going on. You would like to pursue a relationship with her but you have these problems. Maybe you can stay good friends for now and slowly build up to something good rather then trying to force a relationship to happen amongst all your current issues.
Author is2008 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Tara - Sorry I think there was a bit of misunderstanding! I meant the new girl would be the opportunity I'd be closing the door on, which I don't want to do. I am on the rebound, but I don't want to be... I find it very difficult to trust people, but something about her makes me feel free and at ease, and that's a feeling I've not felt with anyone for 6.5 years! As for your point on trust, you are spot on. Trust is H.U.G.E, it can be broken in an instant and take a lifetime to regain, and unfortunately, it really would take a lifetime to regain with my old gf... I think I already know the answer to my dilemma, I just needed the reassurance to back it up! I have given my ex an ultimatum of 48 hours (finishes end of today) to come back, admit her faults, accept she has responsibility or to not contact again. Strange thing is, after talking to the new girl, I can finally recall what it's like to be in the midst of a caring woman, and not a dysfunctional relationship! hoping2heal - Thank you for your interpretation. I told my ex that she had issues and that she needed to see a therapist about it, but she flat out refused. You can only help someone so much. You're right, I can either carry on putting up with this from my ex, continue to suffer the hurt, or I can chose to leave. The manipulation bus may come, but only after she hasn't heard from me for some time... I can't wait(!)
Author is2008 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 You clearly want your ex so much but also realise that it more than likely will end bad. You know the pain will come but you can't bring yourself to reject it. I know the feeling as I too would probably be thinking the same if my ex came back, even though she'd hurt me again. I would do your best to avoid the ex, but also be honest with this new girl. Open up to her and explain exactly what's going on. You would like to pursue a relationship with her but you have these problems. Maybe you can stay good friends for now and slowly build up to something good rather then trying to force a relationship to happen amongst all your current issues. Your first paragraph hit the nail on the head. I have briefly mentioned my past relationship to the new girl, but not at great lengths. I have however, stressed that I want to take things slowly, and she's alright with that. It may not get off the ground, but initial signs are positive.
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Tara - Sorry I think there was a bit of misunderstanding! I meant the new girl would be the opportunity I'd be closing the door on, which I don't want to do. Good. Gotcha, yes, I misunderstood... I am on the rebound, but I don't want to be... I find it very difficult to trust people, but something about her makes me feel free and at ease, and that's a feeling I've not felt with anyone for 6.5 years! As for your point on trust, you are spot on. Trust is H.U.G.E, it can be broken in an instant and take a lifetime to regain, and unfortunately, it really would take a lifetime to regain with my old gf... Without whingeing or being neurotic about it - tell her you've had your trust broken in the past, and very badly. You know you need to work on yourself to build up that confidence again. Confidence in yourself, that you are a person worthy of honesty, and confidence that other people are not all dishonest, or disrespectful of your trust. Tell her you're sorry if you come across as insecure, but it's hard, sometimes, to get over an injury of this kind, and you really want to heal and make yourself whole again. It's like breaking a leg badly in three places. It takes a lot to heal it, and learn to use it again effectively, until it's as good as new.... I think I already know the answer to my dilemma, I just needed the reassurance to back it up! well you have unanimous backing here, friend! I have given my ex an ultimatum of 48 hours (finishes end of today) to come back, admit her faults, accept she has responsibility or to not contact again. Strange thing is, after talking to the new girl, I can finally recall what it's like to be in the midst of a caring woman, and not a dysfunctional relationship! so really - it's not such a hard choice after all is it...? You know, if your EX-GF comes back to you, just let her know that actually, you're comfortable with the way things are, and that in fact, you have a young lady who has shown interest in you, and you feel very drawn to that.... So you're going to call the shots, and call it a day with her..... Then, really. Go No Contact.
Author is2008 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Tara, It's not the decision that's the hard part, it's the execution of the decision! As I'm sure you can appreciate! As for going NC, that's a no brainer, I have nothing to lose because my ex contacts me when she feels like it, otherwise I struggle to get hold of her. I don't want to go down the dishonest route with the new lady, but I think it's too soon to tell her all the gory details of my breakup. I've left it at I'd like to take it slowly.
GrayClouds Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 starryeyed12 GrayClouds - That's the ideal situation isn't it! To be fully healed and a stronger person before allowing yourself to be with someone new however it doesn't always work like that. I've not felt as close to a girl in a long time, and it's closing the door upon a good opportunity. God knows when an opportunity like this will crop up again so it's a tough one!! But thanks for your input too. From the title of the post to this last response your portraying yourself as a victim. Bad things happen to all of us and losing someone you loved is very very hard, but how we respond to this difficult things define us as a person. I do not know much about the inner workings of God but I can feel quite confident that if she does exist it would be much more desirable to strive for what is ideal vs then choosing the route simple because it "felt" good. You deserve relationship that is not simply distracting you from your pain and if this new women is as good as you feel she it then she deserve someone who is 100% into her. You can give both of yourself this but it take courage.
starryeyed12 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) It's not the decision that's the hard part, it's the execution of the decision! I don't understand this. I mean I do, but I don't. The title of your thread is about being torn between a "good" woman and the woman you "love." After a series of posts you seem to have come to the conclusion that this new girl is helping you to see how rotten things were and how much healthier things can be. You comment that waiting to heal and become a stronger person on your own is not going to stop you from going further with the new girl because God only knows when you will meet a woman like her again. It should be a no brainer at this point if you were as far along in the mental process of moving on as you are coming off in your posts. And if the attraction to the new girl is as genuine. It's quite simple execution. Tell her you have met someone else, cut all ties, and give it a fair shot with the new woman. Your continued struggle with the idea of letting your ex go for good seems to indicate that you should perhaps take GrayClouds advice of letting yourself heal and become stronger before taking on a new relationship. I may be jumping to too big of conclusions, but just reading between the lines, it seems like this new woman is getting herself in the middle of something that she might not want to be involved in. Until you are certain that you can give her 100%, you should not use her as a crutch to moving on unless she is fully aware of such. If I met a guy and we were hitting it off well and I thought things were going swimmingly and then were to later find out that he has been agonzing about another woman behind my back, that would hurt. The all important trust would be tarnished. Especially if the ex manipulates herself into the situation even further. If you don't want to lose this girl then you have to muster up some backbone to fight for her against the manipulations of your ex and then let go of her. If you can't do that then you are just using the new woman. Edited April 15, 2011 by starryeyed12
Author is2008 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 GrayClouds - I was the dumpee, and I took it pretty badly. This girl is definitely worth my 100% and I've cut all ties now to my ex. I don't feel a thing for her right now, I don't know if this is temporary, or a more permanent realisation that the relationship I had with her was so toxic and that there are decent women out there. So I've grown a pair and done the right thing. starryeyed12 - It is a no brainer and I'd be a fool to let this girl go. She is everything I've ever wanted and wanted my ex to be...no having to change someone involved. I definitely don't want to use the new girl as a crutch whatsoever. She's unique in her own right and has some amazing qualities. I'm jumping in with both feet.
Titanium Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Just on remark, right now i am on the other side. I broke up with my girl and wanted another chance. She found another guy that she felt some sympathies for and decided to try it with him. but i know, that the break up was what i needed to understand how important she is to me. it was a true learning experience and even when i dont end up with her, i will use this knowldege to make my next gf happy. and happy she will be. you people, who say that he should move on, should understand that each relationship is unique and people do change. i was together with my girl for five years, and i also did not treat her well over the last half year. i regret that deeply and the only thing that i wish for is to have another chance. i hope that i will get it one day to show her how much i really care.
Titanium Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 And one more thing, all relationships are very nice in the beginning. Thats a fact, people are trying to show their best, but it is time that shows their true side. It may take few months, year, even two. It is always up to you to decided if the love that you had with your ex was true or not. It is really was and just some misunderstandings got in the way, i believe that it could be sorted out.
Author is2008 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Well a small update for you and one that may give Titanium a little hope. Only 2 weeks into seeing this new girl I'm seeing some serious flaws in her attitude. She has a massive attitude problem and is short tempered. The honeymoon period is well and truly over and it's diminished pretty much after the first week. Obviously I was the dumpee in my previous relationship so it's not a GIGS situation. I do still think of my ex and what we had but she decided to throw in the towel and there's no use chasing someone who isn't on the same page as you. The quest for happiness continues.
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