zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 So, I went on a date last night, and I think it was a pretty good first date. Really nice guy. Really fun activity I would do on my own anyway. But we talked for over an hour, had tons to say, laughed a lot, have a lot in common, etc. And he's cute, too. Normally, I'd rate this a "good" first date (I think). But I came home unsure. See, I was in a relationship for awhile (about 10 months, if you count all the fallout time), and our first date happened after months of writing each other and Skyping, as I was planning on moving to the area, met him online, and we were practically together before we even went on that first date (not completely, of course). So, everything just flowed so smoothly. Before that. . . I had been willfully single for a bit, because of the plans to move, and before that in a relationship for almost a year as well. So my last regular first date that went well was a long time ago. (I had a couple decidedly bad first dates recently. This was not that.) I think the reason I like online dating is the processing time. I can read what someone writes (a couple times over), look at their profile, get a sense of them, and start to feel 'consumed' by them. It definitely builds my attraction. I didn't ever have to figure out if I liked my most recent exBF on dates because I'd already decided before we ever went out, "I want to be in a relationship with this guy." Loved that! I think it's really hard for me to figure out if I like someone while trying to see if they like me. It's like doing both at once just makes my brain hurt. Am I just weird? Or does processing time (time actually AWAY or reading about or thinking about someone before a date) help others become attracted as well? I think I'm just really weird.
oldguy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 IMO for what it is worth; meeting people on-line is as good a way as any, BUT, at some point we have to LIVE in the real world and develop real world skills. Besides, dating in the real world is exciting! and thats what makes it fun.
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 IMO for what it is worth; meeting people on-line is as good a way as any, BUT, at some point we have to LIVE in the real world and develop real world skills. Besides, dating in the real world is exciting! and thats what makes it fun. I have people skills and meet people in the real world. That's not what I'm talking about at all. This works in certain situations that way as well (i.e. Seeing someone at a meetup month after month and building attraction without the pressure of dating, but that takes a lot more time than it does in OL dating, as it would take several months at best). Though not AS well for me, as I'm really attracted to writing. I remember when I dated the journalist (didn't meet him online, but through friends and had seen him around a bit), I fell for him by reading the articles he was writing before our early dates.
EasyHeart Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 No, you're not weird, you're just introverted. Do what works best for you and don't worry about whether it's "normal" or not.
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 No, you're not weird, you're just introverted. Do what works best for you and don't worry about whether it's "normal" or not. The weird thing is, I'm not actually introverted, I don't think. I "recharge" by being with people (which to me, is the defining characteristic of extroversion) and I'm very social, vivacious, etc. I do have some introverted tendencies though. Perhaps this is one of them. Perhaps my social style is extroversion but my dating style is introversion . . . I've often thought that.
runner Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 no, i think processing time is important if only to sort the difference between lust and actually liking who the person is. i've jumped into things too quickly and ended up confusing the two, and then getting burned in the end. depends on what you're looking for i suppose. if you want something more, then giving it time is a good idea. if you guys just wanna jump each other's bones, then do just that whenever you want.
EasyHeart Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 The weird thing is, I'm not actually introverted, I don't think. I "recharge" by being with people (which to me, is the defining characteristic of extroversion) and I'm very social, vivacious, etc. I do have some introverted tendencies though. Perhaps this is one of them. Perhaps my social style is extroversion but my dating style is introversion . . . I've often thought that.Huh. Well in that case, you're just weird.
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Yep, EasyHeart, pretty sure I am weird. no, i think processing time is important if only to sort the difference between lust and actually liking who the person is. i've jumped into things too quickly and ended up confusing the two, and then getting burned in the end. depends on what you're looking for i suppose. if you want something more, then giving it time is a good idea. if you guys just wanna jump each other's bones, then do just that whenever you want. I think what I mean is that perhaps I need processing time to develop lust. I've never felt it right away. (A glimmer maybe, but not full grown lust that'd even drive me to make out with someone.) I can tell, at this point, if I actually like a person right away, but I just take awhile to feel that lust and zest. I can tell when I'm never going to feel it for a guy (i.e. Some guys seem cute and some don't) but that's different. I just don't. . . it just takes me time to get there, to lust. It seems like a lot of people feel that right away. That seems weird to me. Except with my last BF; then, I felt it right away, but I think it was only because we'd been speaking for so long.
EasyHeart Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I think what I mean is that perhaps I need processing time to develop lust. I've never felt it right away. (A glimmer maybe, but not full grown lust that'd even drive me to make out with someone.) I can tell, at this point, if I actually like a person right away, but I just take awhile to feel that lust and zest. I can tell when I'm never going to feel it for a guy (i.e. Some guys seem cute and some don't) but that's different. I just don't. . . it just takes me time to get there, to lust. It seems like a lot of people feel that right away. That seems weird to me. Except with my last BF; then, I felt it right away, but I think it was only because we'd been speaking for so long.That sounds perfectly normal to me. When I meet someone, I instinctively decide whether she is a potential GF based on appearance, but I'm not immediately interested in jumping her bones. It takes time to build some emotional and intellectual attraction, and women become more (or less) attractive to me as I get to know them. I've always been that way, even when I was a teenager and full of hormones.
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 That sounds perfectly normal to me. When I meet someone, I instinctively decide whether she is a potential GF based on appearance, but I'm not immediately interested in jumping her bones. It takes time to build some emotional and intellectual attraction, and women become more (or less) attractive to me as I get to know them. I've always been that way, even when I was a teenager and full of hormones. A lot of my friends are the type that have to worry about "getting carried away" in their lust (complete opposites) so I guess I'm just a different sort. It kind of makes first dates awkward. Like, I didn't really want to kiss this guy last night (we didn't -- we hugged) BUT I can totally see myself wanting to kiss him in the future.
EasyHeart Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 A lot of my friends are the type that have to worry about "getting carried away" in their lust (complete opposites) so I guess I'm just a different sort. It kind of makes first dates awkward. Like, I didn't really want to kiss this guy last night (we didn't -- we hugged) BUT I can totally see myself wanting to kiss him in the future.Again, that sounds pretty "normal" to me. Why would you want to kiss someone that you just met? THAT seems really weird to me. Of course, comparing yourself to me may not be the best gauge of what is "normal". : I'd better let other people chime in.
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) Wow, women do really over-think things. Men just tend to care about whether she was hot and how into us she seemed. And as long as you weren't annoying or anything, then we are up to see you again. Would you see this guy again? Why worry about how fast you get there? Everyone is different. That you are open-minded to give things a shot and go on the second date, is really all that matters. Edited April 13, 2011 by Imajerk17
DollWelch Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 This works in certain situations that way as well (i.e. Seeing someone at a meetup month after month and building attraction without the pressure of dating, but that takes a lot more time than it does in OL dating, as it would take several months at best). Though not AS well for me, as I'm really attracted to writing. Oh, and I thought I was the only one! Takes me quite a while to absorb the energy and the persona a man gives off, whether it be in person or through writing (-though I have to admit, writing is kind of sexy!). See, I'm just as weird.
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Wow, women do really over-think things. Men just tend to care about whether she was hot and how into us she seemed. And as long as you weren't annoying or anything, then we are up to see you again. Would you see this guy again? Why worry about how fast you get there? Everyone is different. That you are open-minded to give things a shot and go on the second date, is really all that matters. I thought I said in my original post I plan to go out with him again, yes. It was a good date. But I'm talking about "hotness" I guess --- to me, even though a guy can be aesthetically cute or interesting or pique interest in that way right away (and some decidedly don't; I can judge 'chemistry' pretty quick, but even though I judge it quick, it still takes this sort of time/energy/space to blossom---not sure I'm explaining it well), I don't find him "hot" just yet. I have way higher standards than you for seeing people again, though. I have to see (at least potentially) a future with them, not just find them non-annoying and attractive. If I get any information that tells me the future would be a no-go (for instance, if I see a major incompatibility that will play into it down the road) for boyfriend material, no need to draw it out. This guy was great, though! I was just surprised how different it was from my last good first date (the only one I really remember vividly) but I think I figured the reason. Oh, and I thought I was the only one! Takes me quite a while to absorb the energy and the persona a man gives off, whether it be in person or through writing (-though I have to admit, writing is kind of sexy!). See, I'm just as weird. Yes, good description----absorb the energy and persona. I like that.
welikeincrowds Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 trying to see if they like meI wouldn't concern myself all that much with this if I were you. It's only natural to, though. to figure out if I like someoneIf you have to ask, you don't, but that doesn't mean you won't. The way I see it, if you can make it through a few dates and enjoy yourself while doing so, feelings can and probably will develop. Feelings can develop regardless of whether or not the impending relationship is actually a match. Feelings are a bit of a mystery that way. So, give it some time, and as long as you keep having earnest fun and he doesn't say or do anything that rings your alarm bells, it's nothing but a good thing.
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 If you have to ask, you don't And I'm saying that's not actually true. There is some place between do and don't for me somehow. It's like "I do like this person, but . . . I'm not there yet." And it has happened repeatedly, with situations like this (when the person is not someone I know yet). That's what's weird.
welikeincrowds Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 And I'm saying that's not actually true. There is some place between do and don't for me somehow. It's like "I do like this person, but . . . I'm not there yet." And it has happened repeatedly, with situations like this (when the person is not someone I know yet). That's what's weird. Same here man! That's because you have the compound of basically pleasant experiences, but especially, combined with your natural recognition of the potential: "Oh, ****, I've been here before, I know what's coming even if I don't." Kind of like how you get that sea-legs feeling and keep swallowing right before you vomit, even though you're like "But am I actually going to vomit right now? Maybe I can just lay down some more....". Not weird at all if you ask me. That's just your body getting ready for some ****! Stay by that toilet. But it does literally mean that you don't feel it yet, because it's not like you actually have that dripping feeling in your chest where you're hugging your pillow yet, right? Am I off on this?
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Same here man! That's because you have the compound of basically pleasant experiences, but especially, combined with your natural recognition of the potential: "Oh, ****, I've been here before, I know what's coming even if I don't." Kind of like how you get that sea-legs feeling and keep swallowing right before you vomit, even though you're like "But am I actually going to vomit right now? Maybe I can just lay down some more....". Not weird at all if you ask me. That's just your body getting ready for some ****! Stay by that toilet. But it does literally mean that you don't feel it yet, because it's not like you actually have that dripping feeling in your chest where you're hugging your pillow yet, right? Am I off on this? Hmm. . . No. It's not precisely that. I think it's more because my first love experience was with someone I'd known so long, had a crush on for so long, and then one day finally kissed, and because I've dated so many guys who either had writing I could read online or music on MySpace or local art/writing/businesses or SOME form way I could quietly, in my own space, sort of "get to know" them before being WITH them, I developed a need to have that sort of absorption before I even decide. For instance, I like this guy now (no contact yet -- as the date was last night) BETTER than I liked him when I left last night. I've had time to think, process, re-read his messages to me, etc. All of that helps process my feelings. You know, I don't even know if I can develop feelings for someone in the moment, if I only ever saw them in person and had no emails/messages/articles/FB pages to look at. Sure, I had boyfriends before FB and such, but my HS sweetheart was in all my classes and had been writing me notes since I was a kid (I used to keep and re-read them back in the day -- now I'd never keep notes, haha, digital age and all). Seeing things in writing especially REALLY helps me. I still remember my college BF had really funny AIM away messages. My first adult boyfriend was a journalist. Next one was a local artist who kept a really adorable blog. Most of my abroad boyfriends had blogs and FB pages they wrote all over. I met my last BF online -- he doesn't write much, but his profile was long and adorable and he had a few great journals and an old MySpace that I found with great journals. And he and I wrote for months before meeting. I don't know that I could meet someone, never read their writing, and fall for them. That's actually never happened. Luckily, this guy did write me on OKC, and I like his writing. So not a negative impact here. Just. . . something weird that struck me.
welikeincrowds Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hmm. . . No. It's not precisely that. I think it's more because my first love experience was with someone I'd known so long, had a crush on for so long, and then one day finally kissed, and because I've dated so many guys who either had writing I could read online or music on MySpace or local art/writing/businesses or SOME form way I could quietly, in my own space, sort of "get to know" them before being WITH them, I developed a need to have that sort of absorption before I even decide. For instance, I like this guy now (no contact yet -- as the date was last night) BETTER than I liked him when I left last night. I've had time to think, process, re-read his messages to me, etc. All of that helps process my feelings. You know, I don't even know if I can develop feelings for someone in the moment, if I only ever saw them in person and had no emails/messages/articles/FB pages to look at. Sure, I had boyfriends before FB and such, but my HS sweetheart was in all my classes and had been writing me notes since I was a kid (I used to keep and re-read them back in the day -- now I'd never keep notes, haha, digital age and all). Seeing things in writing especially REALLY helps me. I still remember my college BF had really funny AIM away messages. My first adult boyfriend was a journalist. Next one was a local artist who kept a really adorable blog. Most of my abroad boyfriends had blogs and FB pages they wrote all over. I met my last BF online -- he doesn't write much, but his profile was long and adorable and he had a few great journals and an old MySpace that I found with great journals. And he and I wrote for months before meeting. I don't know that I could meet someone, never read their writing, and fall for them. That's actually never happened. Luckily, this guy did write me on OKC, and I like his writing. So not a negative impact here. Just. . . something weird that struck me. Well, I think that's romantic and perfectly okay.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Your not strange at all. What you are doing is just a variation on the whole idea of being "friends first". Sure you meet them on an online dating site so eventual romantic intent is stated.... however in practice you like to just be "pen pals" for a while. You like to get an idea of what this person is really like...and not just some "dating persona". You like to have time to think rationally about what dating them would be like. So do I... The difference is I am unused to thinking of people in romantic terms until I have gotten to know them. (Oh being made horny by them and thinking of sex with them...I don't need to know someone deeply to do that. To me sexual feelings =/= romance. Romance comes from knowing someones mind and being attracted to their personality traits good and bad physical attraction is secondary but important.)
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Your not strange at all. What you are doing is just a variation on the whole idea of being "friends first". Sure you meet them on an online dating site so eventual romantic intent is stated.... however in practice you like to just be "pen pals" for a while. You like to get an idea of what this person is really like...and not just some "dating persona". You like to have time to think rationally about what dating them would be like. So do I... The difference is I am unused to thinking of people in romantic terms until I have gotten to know them. (Oh being made horny by them and thinking of sex with them...I don't need to know someone deeply to do that. To me sexual feelings =/= romance. Romance comes from knowing someones mind and being attracted to their personality traits good and bad physical attraction is secondary but important.) Clarifying, though, it's not that I've always been "pen pals" first (That was only actually my last BF, I guess, and it was situational---I was on anotehr continent!). I've just always been able to see their writing, I guess, and get myself into 'crush' mode.
oldguy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I have people skills and meet people in the real world. That's not what I'm talking about at all. This works in certain situations that way as well (i.e. Seeing someone at a meetup month after month and building attraction without the pressure of dating, but that takes a lot more time than it does in OL dating, as it would take several months at best). Though not AS well for me, as I'm really attracted to writing. I remember when I dated the journalist (didn't meet him online, but through friends and had seen him around a bit), I fell for him by reading the articles he was writing before our early dates. Understood. I thought you preferred cyber dating to real life. My bad.
waynesworld Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Don't you worry that when you take too much time to "process" attraction before actually meeting someone, that you'll create an image/expectation of them that they'll never able to live up to in reality?
Author zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Don't you worry that when you take too much time to "process" attraction before actually meeting someone, that you'll create an image/expectation of them that they'll never able to live up to in reality? Well the only time it's happened that I've gotten into crush mode before actually seeing ("meeting" I guess) someone was my last exBF, and we dated for a good, long time. So . . .that's not been an issue. For me, it's more about getting fascinated by a person than "deciding" who they are (That makes no sense till you've actually dated for awhile----you just have to wait and see with that one). I have more trouble meeting someone and being fascinated by them if I've not seen their writing. But even text messages can do it. It's weird. . . I am pretty much 100% sure now that could never date a guy with bad punctuation and grammar. I capitalize my sentences/Is and such, using proper sentences, even in text. All my boyfriends have too (that I've ever texted with). I guess, in general, the principle isn't that weird. My roommate looked all over her BF's FB profile and that made her like him lots more (his fun pictures, his interests, etc) during their early dates. But I guess I just focus more on the writing aspects than others. I remember guys even just using like a turn of a phrase (in writing), and me suddenly thinking I wanted to make out with him, when I hadn't had that feeling yet before. But it's not like I won't go out with guys otherwise. Or I insist they write to me for months on end first. I just generally don't get too interested, or lustful, unless I'm given something in writing to attach to.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I'm a little worried that you're able to look at a profile and think, "I want to be in a relationship with this guy!" before you've ever met him and gotten to know him in real life. I think if would benefit you to hold off on "processing time" until you actually meet a guy.
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