Day 1. A touch of G.I.G.S. and other issues

[Exit]

Well my relationship was on the rocks for about the past month. I tried to hang on to the rollercoaster of her indecision with not committing to breaking up nor getting back together. Today it had to end.

 

Homebrew's description of the grass is greener syndrome hits home in many ways.

 

-We are both 23 years old.

-She was undecided.

-Reasons for breaking up came from all over the place, it was a new reason every day.

-It seemed like she was wanting me to have to end it for her, which is pretty much what ended up happening. She would "end" it but not commit to it. I had to.

-She started disappearing for entire weekends to hang out with friends.

-I got an apartment and she was supposed to move in. Although she has lived with other people before and hasn't really had a steady home for many years, I still think this next level of commitment shook her confidence

 

I wouldn't say this was a complete case of GIGS only. There were other "identifiable" factors, it's not a total mystery. She has a lot going on in her life right now, struggles with ill family members and all the time and effort involved in dealing with that, and we did argue often after I moved in here and she changed her mind about living here. She said she just doesn't have the capacity to love right now because she is so overwhelmed with the stuff she is dealing with. So that accounts for some of it, but the rest is GIGS behavior. (She claims to be so overwhelmed with this stuff, but finds time and energy to hang with friends all weekend).

 

For the past month, I went down the wrong road. We still saw each other. Still talked about it. I wrote her letters. I dealt with getting the cold shoulder on some days and relationship-level affection on others. I don't totally regret this month. There were 2 or 3 good days that came of it where we got along and discussed our best memories and it almost seemed like it could work out again. I do regret that NC probably should have been instituted sooner. It was more like a Limited Contact month, we'd have entire weekends where we'd do our own things, some days we'd do nothing but sit in my car and share a cigarette and then let her go inside, some days hang out, some days nothing at all.

 

I tried to be okay with it. I tried to pretend I could handle making the gamble every day on whether or not she was going to be in a good mood and willing to hang out or not. But I knew deep down it just wasn't the same. Just this past Sunday we had one of those strange days where we were holding hands and going for a walk and being as affectionate as we were when we first met, but I woke up the next day and realized it's not all that great when it isn't real. So today we started the process over. We talked for a little bit, shared a tearful embrace and a goodbye, and said maybe we can meet sometime to reevaluate where we're at and if we could try again.

 

I don't totally regret the contact we had for this month. If (1) represented total No Contact from the first sign of trouble and just totally ignoring her, and (10) represented too much contact and just causing more pain and making her want me even less, with a happy medium being (5) in the middle, I'd say it was a (6). A bit too dragged out, maybe a few too many letters and a few too many attempts to change her mind. But we still managed to properly end it before it got ugly or totally backfired.

 

So I've got a fresh chance to do the NC thing. It's out of my hands, she either comes back of her own accord or I'll be getting over it. It's hard, of course there's already things I want to say to her, and going to bed for this first night alone and waking up tomorrow and remembering that we ended it for good will be hard. I'm not going to lie, I am still hopeful at this point, and I know that could just hurt me all over again in the end. I know NC shouldn't be about wanting someone to come back. Part of me does feel like that's what I'm doing, but not entirely. It works both ways. It might make her realize the grass is just plain old green no matter where you are, and she'll come back, and I'll probably be willing to reconcile, or I will get over it and move on during the period of silence.

Edited April 13, 2011 by Exit

[Exit]

Oh, and the detail that hurts to most, I found out she was on some other social site for this entire past month while we were still on and off. She had up pictures of herself and was talking to other guys. That's the hardest thing to get over but I still think maybe I could get past this.

 

I don't know what to think. As we said our goodbyes, we brought up the future that we always talked about having, and she said it was still possible. She said we would definitely meet up again sometime and reevaluate. I don't know if I want to believe her or if it's just another heartbreak waiting to happen. Maybe it was just the emotion of the moment talking, or she just wanted to end it as friendly as possible. But I hope she meant it.

 

In my head, I'm almost trying to get myself to "break up" with her now. Thinking about the things I would need to request if we were to ever try again. I would need an apology for her being on this other website while we were still talking, I would need to know if she's done any work to improve her communication. So many of the arguments that she blames me for usually boiled down to me just asking her "tell me what you want (out of whatever situation we were arguing about) so we can move forward", and she just could never come up with answers. She's too introverted, she bottles up her anger and her pain and that's why she lost the capacity to love me right now.

 

Anyways, I just dunno if it's a blessing or a curse that we seemed to leave the potential for meeting sometime.

Edited April 14, 2011 by Exit

[shawn923]

Wow your story is extremely similar to mines... I will most def be following your updates! I just started NC over the weekend... So i guess this is like day 5. But i also dragged out the reconciliation period maybe a little too long, but i dont necessarily regret it. I just think that NC is what they need to realize what they lost. After texting and talking and seeing the same person everyday, it has to satisfy her in some kinda way, or she wouldnt do it everyday... When that abruptly stops, where does all that time go? It's obviously a two way street. You're definitely still on her mind as much as she is on yours, I think... I would also assume this will wake her up. If she does love you, she will come back to reconcile rather than risk losing you forever. And if you know in your heart that you guys shared a special type of love... Then theres no way she'll be able to get over that. That special type of love is a once in a lifetime thing... If she doesnt reconcile and want that love experience, then she DOESNT love you...

[Exit]

Yeah that's pretty much what it boils down to. It's easy to sit here and analyze things to death, but the truth is that it comes down to a very simple situation, she'll be back or she won't. Tonight I'm struggling to decide if I would even entertain an attempt at a second chance. She showed that she didn't have the faith in me to make it through what we were dealing with right now, and she chose to risk all the beautiful things we talked about doing together with our future. Does she get to just return to me and gain all that back some day? I'm not sure. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, she may never be back anyway.

[zakfar]

Hey Exit, if there was someone else, I wouldn't have talked like this. But I have read your posts on recommendations to others, and sorry to say this, but it seems to me that you are not taking your own recommendations.

 

Just read your own first post, and you will understand what I'm talking about. You know what's wrong, and you know that you handled it bad. Still, you are handling it bad. You are not doing any good, but only hurting yourself. I'm sorry, but I'm feeling for you.

 

You go for NC, or you don't. This is a decision to be made. That's a break. Your momentum should be with the focus on 'How to forget/avoid her memories' and not with the thoughts of 'If she is coming back? Or she's not?' What you are doing is just leaving yourself on her hands. She wants space, let her has some. With time, she can analyze herself. But why are you wasting yours. Why don't you analyze yourself too? Instead of being too much worried about 'If I would have done this... I wish I would have done this...' try to focus on 'Let's end this Pain'.

 

Exit, you know very well you can overcome your feelings. You just need to bring the passion inside you. Make yourself busy in the things you like to do. Whenever her thoughts come to your mind, think about something else. Watch some movies (if you like), and bring their characters in your mind, whom you can replace with her memories.

 

It's an entirely different thing if she comes back or not, but the situation you have gone through, you should understand that you need to bring confidence inside you before she does. And if she doesn't than still, you shouldn't have ruined your life who left you. GIGS or whatever, one thing you need to understand, you don't die with the drowning ship when you are left alone. Your relationship was not just yours, it was hers as well. She left you. Now why should you be the only one to suffer. End this pain, and come out. Accept the reality. She has left you.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

[Exit]

I appreciate your reply.

 

Oh don't worry, I'm completely aware I don't take my own advice. I said those exact words out loud last week talking to a friend who misses her ex and still goes to see him even though he has a gf and she's completely miserable. I know I need to act quick before I go down that same path.

 

I think my biggest regret now is that in the moment of emotion and saying goodbye, that her and I agreed that we would meet "some time". If she wants space, that's no big deal to her, but here I am not wanting this to be over, so it immediately puts me into a mindset of "how long could she possibly wait before calling me up for dinner, two weeks? A month? Can I ever make it through this weekend without getting pissed and telling her to forget it?". I've already been wanting to send her an email acknowledging that we made a mistake in doing that because it still doesn't feel over for me. I know, everyone would tell me emailing her serves no purpose. Well, it would to me, saying it to her, and not just in some letter that I don't send her, would make it real. Let her know that I don't want to just hang out in a few weeks. Let her know that I'm interested in nothing less than her showing up and ringing my doorbell and saying we need to work this out.

 

I know, I'm not doing great right now, and I can give better advice than I can follow. I guess it wasn't as clean of a break as I thought. To hear her saying to me that all the future plans we discussed are still a possibility, that she isn't *that* far gone to say there's no chance, to hear her say she does want to see me in a little while, well, all of that stuff just created this situation. I think this is why I chase people and push them to come back because part of me wants it to get to that point where they say HOLY CRAP STOP IT OR I WILL BLOCK YOUR NUMBER etc etc, it's easier on me that way. To have someone say there could still be a future and all that.... I dunno how to work with that. I think it is more a curse than a blessing, because I am still waiting for her. Shoulda just maintained things the way they were then, where we still hung out, and she just refused to call it a relationship.

Edited April 14, 2011 by Exit

[Exit]

Ok well I am trying to regroup a little bit here. Deleted her from AIM and from my phone. I need to remind myself to stay mad at her. All this last month while we were still seeing each other, she kept me blocked on facebook, and she still has it that way. She swears up and down there's nothing to hide and she just doesn't want to argue about stuff on facebook, but as long as it's going to be that way, I can't sit here missing this person. Not to mention this other social site she joined where she talks to guys and has other pictures of her and she did that for the last month too and even after saying goodbye to each other a few days ago she still has this site so i think she's more interested in moving on than she cares to admit.

 

i gotta stay mad. well, not "stay mad", but I shouldnt be so in love with her. she is treating me pretty poorly. until its worth it to her to undo those things she did and prove what this is worth to her, yeah i have to be done. i wont say anything to her, ill leave the possibility open that she might want to meet some day for dinner, but maybe ill decline her offer if it ever comes.