Has anyone been the Dumper on the other side of NC?

[loverboy1984]

Im curious to know if anyone here has been the Dumper whose Dumpee went NC on? Especially if you are a female dumper and had your ex not talk to you after the break up. How did it affect you? did you infact think of him? miss him? regret? or even go back. what about if it was a long term relationship you came out of and you still loved the guy, or maybe you had GIGS.

[nana841121]

i am the situation you described.

 

i am the dumper, i dumped him because he didn't show deep affection to

 

me, the breakup happend in a dramatic way.

 

first, it was me who brought up the "breakup" out of blue sky via a phone

 

call, i guess he wasn't that into me, and i deserve better, plus,i am gonna

 

leave this city. but i know subconsicously i wanted him to ask me to stay

 

and confess his love to me.

 

From his voice,i could tell he was crying , and then we hang up

 

the next day, i felt so concerend about him, and i called , we met in his

 

place as usual, then he mentioned a 18-year-old girl who is his student.

 

he is a new teacher in an university.he said this student sent him a love

 

poem, i laughed and joked around and didn't take it seriously

 

the next day, i phoned him (ususally he phoned me, i seldom phoned him)

 

right then, he was walking on the campus, it was winter vacation . i

 

asked about his mood, he said he was confused , he thought about that

 

student and me also, immediately,i got offensed, how could he get

 

confused by his student after all the things i have done for him

 

but i pretended nothing bothered me. and spoke out the final words in a

 

calm but firm tone that "we should not contact each other anymore, it's

hard for you to have some feeling for someone, even this someone is your

 

student , you still need to give it a try"

 

then we went into NC for two months , He texted me and sent some

 

blessing words one time,i didn't reply, even i was bleeding inside for the

 

past two months.

 

he is now with his new girlfriend now. but phoned me three times

 

and met for one time. we even bantered

 

i was too pride to show my sadness

 

he is a myth to me. confused me

 

i am the dumper, but i am the dumpee emotionally

[loverboy1984]

wow thats quite a story. Thanks for sharing.

[WutheringH]

Loverboy, I'm not a female but I can offer my story.

 

As someone that has always been the dumper in my longterm relationships throughout my life, i've had experience in this.

 

I have always initiated the principle of NC during the last big 'talk' establishing the end of the Romantic Relationship and Closure. Sometimes the idea of NC has been met openly, on other occasions, with resistance.

 

The times where NC was carried through via the Dumpee's until healing on their behalf had taken place, thus a platonic connection could be recreated. I found that the lack of contact effected my positive emotions no more than those who tried to 'hold on' a little longer.

 

In all the scenarios. I experienced the mixed emotions that typically come with being the Dumper. Whilst my Romantic Connection that came with the relationship was beyond recovery (I often stayed in relationships too long under the belief that "Work" could reignite the flame.) My experience of being able to rekindle my feelings was limited. However I have some new techniques that i would like to try our now If I was to form another longterm bond. In the process though, I still lost a form of best friend. Thus I would mourn habits, routines, memories etc.

 

When the Dumpee was totally NC with me. It would actually be far easier emotionally for me as I wouldn't have to deal with further guilt as to prolonging that persons pain and healing process. If they did contact me.

 

When a person tried to 'hang on' so to speak it made me feel greater guilt and empathy as I was further exposed to their suffering.

 

To conclude. In both scenarios my loss and emotions are roughly the same. NC never made me tempted to reinvest in the relationship. I Knew my ability to love and stay in these relationships had gone when I ended them.

 

I stuck by these decisions even if i did feel a twinge of desire to try again on occasions. I knew that i would likely repeat a similar pattern in weeks/months and this was not fair on the other person as it would have delayed their healing further.

 

I too wanted to mourn and recover from the loss of a girl I once loved. NC often works for the best both ways.

Edited April 13, 2011 by WutheringH

[Cee]

I'm a woman and almost always the dumper. I think an outsider would call me "commitment phobic," but that wasn't the issue. I lacked a sense of self on the most basic level. I became whatever a man wanted and I loved trying on that persona. But I became restless and wanted more. I didn't know what that "more" was or how to get it.

 

I hit bottom in a bad relationship (which again I was the dumper). I realized that a man cannot complete me and went on a solitary journey for about 5 years. I had to make peace with my abusive childhood and learn to take care of myself. I succeeded, but it wasn't easy. And for a while I was suicidal and was having panic attacks. That was a horrible time.

 

I cannot circle back to the loves I left. I am not a person who lives in the past. I owe an amends to the men I hurt, but I see from Facebook and the grapevine that these wonderful men found women who could love them better than I.

[Graceful]

I was not the dumper in the most painful breakups of my life (in those instances I was dumped), but I did have a very painful and heartbreaking experience as the dumper with a guy I dated for about a year.

 

The relationship started out slowly, and grew into something wonderful, much to my surprise. This guy was one of the nicest, most caring, thoughtful people I have ever met and he really began to mean a lot to me. He fell deeply in love with me, and sadly, as much as I gave him and the relationship effort and a real chance, I just never felt as strongly as he did. After talking about it and discussing the fact that my feelings were not evolving, it became obvious that we needed to end the relationship, as there was mutual respect on both sides. So while we agreed this was best, I really was the dumper.

 

It was very, very difficult for me. I missed him terribly. But I was resolved, I had given him a fair chance and had the clarity I needed to know that I had to let him go, or it would have been selfish of me to hang onto him under false pretenses (it was very hard to let him go, he was a real gem).

 

I called to check in with him about 2 weeks after the breakup, just to see how he was. He was elated to hear from me, but his voice began to crack and he told me that he deeply loved me and that it was too painful to hear my voice, even though he appreciated the call. He said that unless I wanted to give the relationship another try, to please refrain from contacting him. He said he would be there for me for the forseeable future and was keeping the door open, but only if I felt that there was a chance, in which case, he would take that chance.

 

I knew all I would do is hurt him again. I knew we did not belong together, so I never contacted him again out of respect. Did I miss him? Terribly. Did I think about him? All the time. Was I sad? Very much so. But did I have clarity? Yes, I had clarity. So was I able to begin dating before he did? Yes, of course, I waited a while, but I was resolved, so there were no lingering doubts.

 

I remember him with great affection and I'll always be grateful for his love and kindness. Being the dumper is not a bed of roses when you really care for someone, and to be respectful, you enforce NC. That's the right thing to do.

[xbexy87x]

Loverboy, I'm not a female but I can offer my story.

 

As someone that has always been the dumper in my longterm relationships throughout my life, i've had experience in this.

 

I have always initiated the principle of NC during the last big 'talk' establishing the end of the Romantic Relationship and Closure. Sometimes the idea of NC has been met openly, on other occasions, with resistance.

 

The times where NC was carried through via the Dumpee's until healing on their behalf had taken place, thus a platonic connection could be recreated. I found that the lack of contact effected my positive emotions no more than those who tried to 'hold on' a little longer.

 

In all the scenarios. I experienced the mixed emotions that typically come with being the Dumper. Whilst my Romantic Connection that came with the relationship was beyond recovery (I often stayed in relationships too long under the belief that "Work" could reignite the flame.) My experience of being able to rekindle my feelings was limited. However I have some new techniques that i would like to try our now If I was to form another longterm bond. In the process though, I still lost a form of best friend. Thus I would mourn habits, routines, memories etc.

 

When the Dumpee was totally NC with me. It would actually be far easier emotionally for me as I wouldn't have to deal with further guilt as to prolonging that persons pain and healing process. If they did contact me.

 

When a person tried to 'hang on' so to speak it made me feel greater guilt and empathy as I was further exposed to their suffering.

 

To conclude. In both scenarios my loss and emotions are roughly the same. NC never made me tempted to reinvest in the relationship. I Knew my ability to love and stay in these relationships had gone when I ended them.

 

I stuck by these decisions even if i did feel a twinge of desire to try again on occasions. I knew that i would likely repeat a similar pattern in weeks/months and this was not fair on the other person as it would have delayed their healing further.

 

I too wanted to mourn and recover from the loss of a girl I once loved. NC often works for the best both ways.

 

Can I ask, did you initiate the NC? And why? If you didn't were you happy enough to go along with it?? Did you ever still want to keep ahold of the Dumpee and be their friend and see them? etc.

[WutheringH]

I always initiated the breakups and NC. I was slightly weak first time round with the first love and actually ended up with an addiction as i tried to suppress the pain.

 

Since then i've learnt that Withdrawal and breaking up are very similar in the journey it sends you on. I.e the brain has something its learned is pleasurable and thus it will do anything to get you back to having its desired fixation.

 

Withdrawal taught me that to quit a drug in a gradual fashion i.e tapering off was a highly ineffective plan nine times out of ten. It simply reminded my brain of what it was missing and thrust me back into the emotional and physical cycle of 'wanting'. To go all the way, cold turkey, to the point of little or manageable cravings was the only way.

 

I simply extended the same logic to a breakup. The quickest way to heal is to quit the cycle of emotional response to something my brain still wanted on one level. It was the best for both of us even if the other person disagreed.

 

Yes i often missed the respective dumpee. Craving if you like. However i knew that untill I had really reached the stage of just being able to be friends. To initiate contact would be to put myself back into self destructive patterns that in the long-term where undesired.

 

Now with some of my past girlfriends we are comfortable platonic friends who share passions and mutual interests. Generally enriching each others lives, just not from a romantic perspective.

 

I must admit on some occasions its capable to still feel the 'chemistry' of natural attraction. Just like certain environments can still trigger my craving for drugs. However to act on either twinge of desire wouldn't be moving forward in life.

Edited April 13, 2011 by WutheringH

[loverboy1984]

I have been in NC for over a month now. Although I accepted my break up I feel like its not really set in stone yet. She wanted a break after I confronted her about kissing someone and she told me she just wants some time, maybe a month, to figure herself out and see if this relationship has run its course. She said shes 99% sure she will come back to me and she wanted to marry me. I said ok but then a couple days later I said I didnt want to live off this hope and i made her decide then, so she said its over and that we are growing apart. A few days later she told my sister that she didnt want to keep me in limbo and that it wasnt fair for me. She said that when we are both done with our studies (we are both in grad school and have a big test next month) that we can try to start again, but that we need to focus on ourself and future careers.

 

So Im not sure if I should contact her now just to see where shes at or what. Thats why I asked to see what would be going on in her mind after all this time. I got angry at her and yelled when she broke up with me so I feel like she thinks Im mad at her. Im anxious for answers, havent got closure. and Yes I want her back. I suspect she has GIGS. shes across the country in a new environment and I suspect after 6yrs of being with me she wants to explore. But she said she loves me, she knows Im committed.

[Hopeless Girl]

i have been the dumper... dumped him once, regreted, the next day we got back together then 2 months later dumped him again and never missed him, never looked back, nothing... and this was because the guy was arguing with me a lot because:

 

1. it was my last semester in high school as a senior and i wanted to party

 

2. i loved him but his parents didnt let him go out as much

 

3. he got jealous/controlling and arguin about my hang outs

 

4. i got tired and called it quits

 

that was 5 years ago... we still communicate but never hang out.. we dont talk on the phone just fb and barely , he was such a great guy ... hope the best 4 him

[noleaf]

i am the dumper in my last relationship - but i dont really feel like the dumper. Anyway, he has initiated NC. It's really hard. I miss him so much, i miss him as a friend and as my partner.

 

I broke it off with him because there had been a couple of drunken fights and i had warned him that if they continued i would end it. When they continued, needless to say i had to end it. Hence, although i was the dumper, it feels like i was the dumpee, like i did the dirty work for him almost.

 

So now he's into NC and i can't contact him and tell him i regret it. I definately think that NC is a good way to make your partner really realise what they are missing.

[whoknowswhattodo]

i am the dumper in my last relationship - but i dont really feel like the dumper. Anyway, he has initiated NC. It's really hard. I miss him so much, i miss him as a friend and as my partner.

 

I broke it off with him because there had been a couple of drunken fights and i had warned him that if they continued i would end it. When they continued, needless to say i had to end it. Hence, although i was the dumper, it feels like i was the dumpee, like i did the dirty work for him almost.

 

So now he's into NC and i can't contact him and tell him i regret it. I definately think that NC is a good way to make your partner really realise what they are missing.

 

Ok I have a question? My future wife broke up with me and was crying when she did. She said she didn't deserve me and couldn't love me like she should because she had old feelings for her ex come up. We are in nc now and it has been that way for 4 days. She said that she told her ex not to call or text her but come to find out she blocked me on fb and added him. What do you think is going on in her mind? Do you think she will regret it one day and want to get back with me? On friday everything was ok we were cuddled up in bed and she kissed me and said I love you and don't know what I'd do without you. Then on saturday we just texted each other all day and talked later that night she said I love you more, after I said I love you. Then on sunday at 4:30 the last time I texted her she still said I love you but later that night she asked for a break and then called the ex. So what do you think will happen with nc?

[Hules]

I have been in NC for over a month now. Although I accepted my break up I feel like its not really set in stone yet. She wanted a break after I confronted her about kissing someone and she told me she just wants some time, maybe a month, to figure herself out and see if this relationship has run its course. She said shes 99% sure she will come back to me and she wanted to marry me. I said ok but then a couple days later I said I didnt want to live off this hope and i made her decide then, so she said its over and that we are growing apart. A few days later she told my sister that she didnt want to keep me in limbo and that it wasnt fair for me. She said that when we are both done with our studies (we are both in grad school and have a big test next month) that we can try to start again, but that we need to focus on ourself and future careers.

 

So Im not sure if I should contact her now just to see where shes at or what. Thats why I asked to see what would be going on in her mind after all this time. I got angry at her and yelled when she broke up with me so I feel like she thinks Im mad at her. Im anxious for answers, havent got closure. and Yes I want her back. I suspect she has GIGS. shes across the country in a new environment and I suspect after 6yrs of being with me she wants to explore. But she said she loves me, she knows Im committed.

 

From this and your other posts, I are not convinced you have accepted the break up. Until you can stop thinking about what is she thinking of you and honestly not care, you have not accepted it. Contacting her will do nothing but push her further away.

 

I have been following your story and from what you have written I do not believe she is suffering G.I.G.S, from the looks of it she has been thinking about breaking up with you for a long time. Thus the seemingly lack of care that the relationship is over, because she checked out a long time ago and has already grieved and moved on.

 

What if you got dumped after being stringed along with a notion of a break then thanked the dumper for making decision, but out of rage of being rejected decided to go off on her telling her that she will live to regret it and that she wont find anyone like me and the go on to saying it was nice knowing you, your out of my life,goodbye. Thats what I did. regret getting mad and yelling at the end but then again I had saved up for an engagement ring and a trip to Europe to purpose to her( she doesnt know that) after being with her for 6yrs so ofcourse I got mad, after being dumped out of the blue and cheated on(even though I forgave her). Some people are telling me that after a couple months of NC I should initiate contact because she may think Ive disowned her or too angry to talk. I dont think so what do you guys say?

 

The part in bold is a classic mistake and would do nothing but validate her choice in dumping you. Not to mention that you have admitted you had cheated on her early in your relationship, does not help.

 

I know its hard but you need to stop obsessing over whether she is thinking about you or not. In the grand scheme of things it does not matter the end result is you are not together now. If she wanted to be in contact with you she would be. Breaking NC will just set you back and push her further away whilst inflating her ego, you need to focus on yourself, you need to prove you can survive with out her and fix your personal issues. Good luck.

Edited April 17, 2011 by Hules

[loverboy1984]

Hules

 

Your right...and honestly I have reached acceptance and slowly going deeper into it. The questions I asked are just because I am curious and because I never got closure.

 

Well I agree with you mostly I do believe it was a case of GIGS. the cheating was along time ago and I became better after that and she acknowledged that. The only thing I think I did wrong was become a bit insecure and doubted that she loved me. She said she was tired of proving that she loved me. Having said that I do believe she checked out a few weeks before the break up, she sounded distant, formal, and to busy to talk.

 

Why is it GIGs? because She went off to grad school across the country and got into the social scene which she hadnt experienced since graduating college 3 years ago. also a 6 months ago I had asked for a break just because I saw things getting so serious and I hadnt dated anyone else in the last 6yrs and wanted to make sure I was ready to be totaly serious without looking back and regretting not dating others. I ended up doing some light dating with 2 people but still talked to her everyday. Well I regret doing that now because when she asked for a break before she broke up with me she said " I suddenly understand why you did what you did when you went on a break." That line along with her kissing a guy who she said shes attracted to makes me think its GIGS. also I had become slightly boring because Im studying for a board exam and didnt really have much to talk about, was always stressed and got into stupid arguments. She told me "the arguments, trust issues on both sides, and distance (LDR) is not healthy for her right now."

 

That being said we had a great relationship and she told me she loved me and that she wanted to marry me days before she broke up, but that she just needed to figure herself out. Ive accepted a future without her but cant help but wonder if she would really give up 6yrs of mostly good things with a committed guy who loves her. She has friends who have broken up many times and had worse situations and now they are getting married, shes going to their wedding this summer.

 

Also the line you bolded which was what I said last before ending the call..well I said that because I was hurt and heartbroken. She knows that. I regret saying it but dont you think she understands and time will make her forget it? I thought about emailing her in 2months and seeing how she is doing then mention I was frustrated and shouldnt have said that but Im not. I think in the heat of things people say alot of things. Hey at least I didnt beg and plead. Well I did cry and say I didnt want to lose her but I did that 2 days before she broke up and then I didnt know she would. So I hope that didnt count.

 

I appreciate you following my post and offering me your insight. I am going to follow through with NC and will let her come to me. Meanwhile Im working on myself and know I wont repeat the same mistakes. Im not counting on it but wish that we could be better people for each other.

Edited April 17, 2011 by loverboy1984