Faithfulness after an affair

[thomasb]

Totally agree with this. The infidelity never goes away. That could never be forgotten. I was referring to one spouse continuing to hold animosity towards another relentlessly, that is unhealthy. I still will feel bouts of animosity when triggered I think that is normal.

 

 

It still happens to my wife. I wish I could change that. I can't. I can only hold her and try to absorb some of her pain.

[Steadfast]

I know for a fact that an affair is NOT the end of a marriage.

 

I'm sorry, but you are mistaken. By definition, sexual relations with someone other than your spouse breaks the marriage vows and thus, nullifies the sanctity of the union. The marriage, as it was, is destroyed. The promise (in fact, all of them) is/are broken. Not including legal binding.

 

The relationship still does exist however, and I feel (if I may) that this is what you're referring to. From that point forward, if both parties reconnect emotionally and reconcile their differences, I believe wholeheartedly the relationship can be stronger than ever. In effect and at some point, you 're-promise' to obey your vows. Only the betrayed spouse can endorse this.

AND I too know that MUCH WORSE things than an affair can happen & folks can still make it out & stay married.

 

Worse things can happen, but nothing is more damaging to a marriage than infidelity. You are not married to your children. Not to discount anyone's pain, but in marriage we are committed first and foremost to our spouse. Children (hopefully) grow and move on, apart and away from the married parents. More people need to realize this basic fact. Or remember it.

 

Whatnext - If you're really trying to "Reconcile" with your wife - (which I doubt because you even said above that an affair is the end of a marriage)

 

Please stop. I do not know this man personally, but I have read most everything he has posted here. By all accounts he is a fair and loving man, and as a husband has suffered greatly for his own actions, as well as the actions of others. He has every just right and cause (not to mention experience) to state his opinion on the subject.

 

Me thinks you protest too loudly.

 

OP and all the others who are successfully reconciling, my heartfelt congratulations. There is indeed hope after martial devastation. Hope fueled by love-

[seren]

I'm sorry, but you are mistaken. By definition, sexual relations with someone other than your spouse breaks the marriage vows and thus, nullifies the sanctity of the union. The marriage, as it was, is destroyed. The promise (in fact, all of them) is/are broken. Not including legal binding.

 

The relationship still does exist however, and I feel (if I may) that this is what you're referring to. From that point forward, if both parties reconnect emotionally and reconcile their differences, I believe wholeheartedly the relationship can be stronger than ever. In effect and at some point, you 're-promise' to obey your vows. Only the betrayed spouse can endorse this.

 

 

Worse things can happen, but nothing is more damaging to a marriage than infidelity. You are not married to your children. Not to discount anyone's pain, but in marriage we are committed first and foremost to our spouse. Children (hopefully) grow and move on, apart and away from the married parents. More people need to realize this basic fact. Or remember it.

 

 

 

Please stop. I do not know this man personally, but I have read most everything he has posted here. By all accounts he is a fair and loving man, and as a husband has suffered greatly for his own actions, as well as the actions of others. He has every just right and cause (not to mention experience) to state his opinion on the subject.

 

Me thinks you protest too loudly.

 

OP and all the others who are successfully reconciling, my heartfelt congratulations. There is indeed hope after martial devastation. Hope fueled by love-

 

 

Yes to all this, I think that if a marriage has strong foundations that it can be rebuilt and be stronger, changed, different, but stronger despite an A. At some point, looking backward just stops the moving forward, there came a point where I was able to say, OK, I have processed all I need to, now to move on. It isn't easy, but it is doable, it is a choice that needs to be made, not that at times there aren't triggers or blow up times, but they too pass and become a recognition of the waste and loss, but then we (general) move along and get on with life. There is indeed hope.

[Snowflower]

Interesting discussion!

 

Janey, I wish you the best in your continued reconciliation. What you write in your OP doesn't sound that unusual to me. You are grateful that your H gave you another chance and you are expressing it.

 

Your H probably has some different emotions beyond what you have written about here but hey, it is your post and your thoughts, not your H's. If he was here posting, then that would be different.

 

Just my thoughts about the subject of faithfulness after an affair...I think someone's thoughts will be influenced by what has happened to them. My H felt awful for the pain he put me through and has worked hard on himself, is remorseful and transparent. So, it makes it easier for me at least to believe that it is possible for one to become faithful once again.

 

For those whose spouses had an affair and never looked at the hurt and destruction they caused, my heart breaks for that particular BS. To be hurt that badly and never have it acknowledged has to be so hard to accept.

 

As for "moving on"...it seems to be a controversial subject that is again, colored by the perception of one's own experience with infidelity. All I can say is that a lot has happened since 2008 (the year my H had his affair) and I'm really glad that we are in 2011 and that as more time goes by, 2008 slides further in the past.

 

I will never forget but then again, there are many things in life that I will never forget...good and bad. I have no choice but to try to put it in perspective and move forward. I don't want to wallow in the past because that is never a good thing. I've known people who tend to do this (I have some loved ones who tend to like to reminisce about the times past) and it seems counter-productive. The past is done. It can still hurt but it's up to me to look at the present and the future.

[What_Next]

Touche' - Say what you will about me. I'm like Thomasb - I know for a fact that an affair is NOT the end of a marriage.

 

Umm no you ARE NOT like Thomasb. His posts clearly show his level of regret for his affair, his posts clearly show he understands the magnitude of the mistake he made. Your posts clearly show something entirely different. I have the utmost respect for thomasb and absolutely none for you and for anyone else that comes on here and supports cheaters and sets up a cheering section for them.

 

Whatnext - If you're really trying to "Reconcile" with your wife - (which I doubt because you even said above that an affair is the end of a marriage)

 

Why all the doubt? Where's your faith? If you're not willing to try then what's the point?

 

You have no idea what I have done for my wife and my family, you have no idea what I am doing from day to day. I have NO animosity and hatred towards my wife. Quite the opposite in fact. She is well aware of her mistakes as I am well aware of mine, we are making an effort to slowly rebuild our relationship and we WILL NOT do it by shoving it under the rug and pretending it has never happened as you have chosen to do.

 

 

This is exactly why I started the thread Why Stay?

If you're going to go kicking & screaming & bitching all the way for the next 20 years......then you shouldn't stay.

 

Oh I certainly won't be kicking and screaming and/or bitching about anything my dear. If I am unhappy with the status of our relationship then I'll leave her. Just as she would with me.

 

I do believe that a marriage ends after infedility and it does so by definition. That is my believe and I have every right to it. Just as you have every right to believe an affair is acceptable.

 

Feel free to continue to support cheaters, I don't and I won't.

[What_Next]

Please stop. I do not know this man personally, but I have read most everything he has posted here. By all accounts he is a fair and loving man, and as a husband has suffered greatly for his own actions, as well as the actions of others. He has every just right and cause (not to mention experience) to state his opinion on the subject.

 

Me thinks you protest too loudly.

 

 

Steadfast, thank you for you supportive words. Almost anyone that has read my posts I think would agree with you. I could care less that CIK doesn't, it is yet another example of her not being able to see beyond her own selfish nature. Cheaters display that trait often.

Edited April 14, 2011 by What_Next

[Memphis Raines]

So you think 3 months after your affair everything was honkey dorey with your husband cik?

 

if you read her story, I believe he was "honkey dorey" with it.

 

But I also believe its because, it seems, that he is simply apathetic. And thats not a slam against her husband. thats just the way some people are, nothing gets them too riled up because the just don't care.

[Memphis Raines]

Umm no you ARE NOT like Thomasb. His posts clearly show his level of regret for his affair, his posts clearly show he understands the magnitude of the mistake he made. Your posts clearly show something entirely different.

 

i completely agree.

 

thomasb at least has a level of humility about everything. And he doesn't tell this forum that he wouldn't change a thing even if he could.

 

he also doesn't make excuses for his x-OW, and doesn't hold a special place in his heart for x-OW

[confusedinkansas]

:cool:Thou Might THINK I Protest Too Much........... Thou doesn't see that I am being drug thru the mud for no apparent reason, therefore, THOU (Me) will always stick up for what I believe & to clarify my story that many THINK they 'know so well' .

Last time I checked - This is a forum where anyone - BS's & WS's alike can come to get advice or give it, you can also bitch & complain if you want to

..........& apparently name calling is in rare form now (You call us 'selfish' & our husbands 'pushovers' - Really - shame on you)

 

I'm just pointing out a DIFFERENT side to this story. I totally get your side. Those of you that are the BS. Because I too am a BS. Maybe not with the infidelity that you all have so greatly suffered.....But Yes, in one form - I too am just like you. You can say I'm not all you like, you'd be incorrect.

 

Everyone has their STORY to tell. Everyone goes off their own experiences. My experience just happens to be that of a successful after the fact marriage. And Faithfulness After The Affair...... Many can't & won't see that. Even those that claim here to be trying to work on their marriage. Well, My question to you is - if you don't believe that it's possible to have a good marriage after an A then why are you sticking it out now?

 

There are others here in LS who have the same success stories to tell & the non believers still bash us down. Oh well....:)

[What_Next]

Memphis_Raines, I 100% agree with you. I first took exception to some of his posts when I read them, but that was my anger coming out at all cheaters. After reading more of his story and actually listening to what he has to say I have gained a respect for him. Unlike others.

 

As for Janey I actually do 100% believe that she is really remorseful for what she did and I also 100% believe in her sincerity. I honestly think her husband is bottling it all up and if he doesn't deal with it that it will manifest itself in some way, likely very negative.

 

I do wish you the best Janey, but make no mistake if I see the need to hold your feet to the fire, I'll do so (like I have told you before..).

[Memphis Raines]

:cool:Thou Might THINK I Protest Too Much........... Thou doesn't see that I am being drug thru the mud for no apparent reason, therefore, THOU (Me) will always stick up for what I believe & to clarify my story that many THINK they 'know so well' .

Last time I checked - This is a forum where anyone - BS's & WS's alike can come to get advice or give it, you can also bitch & complain if you want to

 

 

there you go again. dismissing people's pain at the hands of their betrayers as "bitching"

[Memphis Raines]

Memphis_Raines, I 100% agree with you. I first took exception to some of his posts when I read them, but that was my anger coming out at all cheaters. After reading more of his story and actually listening to what he has to say I have gained a respect for him. Unlike others.

 

As for Janey I actually do 100% believe that she is really remorseful for what she did and I also 100% believe in her sincerity. I honestly think her husband is bottling it all up and if he doesn't deal with it that it will manifest itself in some way, likely very negative.

 

I do wish you the best Janey, but make no mistake if I see the need to hold your feet to the fire, I'll do so (like I have told you before..).

 

yes, Janey seems to be doing everything that any WS should do if the marriage is to continue. And she seems to be doing nothing less that is required to help her husband. She seems truly remorseful. a stark contrast to others around here

[confusedinkansas]

there you go again. dismissing people's pain at the hands of their betrayers as "bitching"

 

Wow - Seriously.

I'm saying that you can come here & pretty much say anything you want to. Whether it be giving advice, asking for advice or bitching about whatever it is that's on your mind or even bashing folks that you don't agree with. Doesn't mean that, like me, they won't reply back & clarify things when you get what they're saying incorrectly.

 

Sheesh. Quit reading between every single line & twisting my words around.

 

I also said (which you must have skipped over) I GET IT! I understand the pain. I know what the pain feels like. Been There. I don't dismiss that folks are in pain. At All.

[ladydesigner]

Wow - Seriously.

I'm saying that you can come here & pretty much say anything you want to. Whether it be giving advice, asking for advice or bitching about whatever it is that's on your mind or even bashing folks that you don't agree with. Doesn't mean that, like me, they won't reply back & clarify things when you get what they're saying incorrectly.

 

Sheesh. Quit reading between every single line & twisting my words around.

 

I also said (which you must have skipped over) I GET IT! I understand the pain. I know what the pain feels like. Been There. I don't dismiss that folks are in pain. At All.

 

CIK I understand a lot of what you say and have identified with many of your posts. It is nice to see the many different perspectives, but I like you, do not like the name calling and the branding that goes on. Infidelity is black and white to some and gray to others. It just is. I do not think one person is right or one is wrong here, we all have different views to offer.

 

To overcome infidelity is the hardest part however we get there. Life is a learning experience and I have learned many tough lessons by being a BS and WS. It is no easy path that is for damn sure. I believe it is painful for everyone involved unless that person is a sociopath.

[What_Next]

ladydesigner I 100% agree with you, differing opinions and differing perspectives is fantastic aspect of LS.

 

As for you CIK, you have quite a lot of nerve to accuse anyone of name calling considering the the comments you made about me in this very thread. If your opinion of me mattered to me I mind take offense, I never had any respect for you anyway given your attitudes and posting style. In my mind you most definitely do dismiss folks that are in pain, in fact you do it almost daily and I am sure many active posters would agree with me.

[Steadfast]

...It is nice to see the many different perspectives, but I like you, do not like the name calling and the branding that goes on. Infidelity is black and white to some and gray to others. It just is. I do not think one person is right or one is wrong here, we all have different views to offer.

 

Again, I take exception to this. While it is true that people view infidelity differently, I'd wager it's the cheater that sees the action as a 'gray area' and the betrayed who sees it in black and white. Does that make it true? I doubt it. Surely, if right and wrong are subjective, there is no reason for anyone to write about anything. We'll all just do what we do. But it doesn't work like that.

 

To a child, or anyone of 'limited knowledge' it all seems pretty clear. There's so much spin going on, people forget which end is up. Right and wrong is not subjective, it is not up for debate. This is the problem! Only when we're persecuted does the reality manifest itself completely.

 

It's different then, isn't it? When it happens to us?

 

I've once again fallen into the habit of responding to responders. Sorry. But, this seems a pretty open place for expression.

[Memphis Raines]

I don't dismiss that folks are in pain. At All.

 

yes, you do, just like you dismissed the poster in another thread that after all these years still struggles with the visions in his head about his wife cheating.

 

You dismissed his pain as bitching and complaining. Yes, you did.

 

the guy is in pain, can't shake the visions, and you insulted him.

 

we all know what you are about, and that is coming to the defense of cheaters, just ask anyone in this thread.

[confusedinkansas]

You say I jump to defend the cheater.

How is that any different than you jumping to defend the betrayed?

 

You know what you know & have lived what you've lived.

 

I know what I know & have lived what I've lived.

 

Is it not true that we all post based on our own experiences. I can't make posts about you & you can't make posts about me.

 

I still stand by the fact that I don't "dismiss" the pain. But, you can believe what you want.

 

side note: I believe also that if someone has chosen to stay with their WS then they should at least have even a small bit of a positive attitude, not hate their spouse, not 'bitch' about the fact that they stayed. Nowhere in that does it say I dismiss their feelings. - But that's another thread.

[Memphis Raines]

You say I jump to defend the cheater.

How is that any different than you jumping to defend the betrayed?

 

because I can admit it.

 

that and the difference is, i'm defending someone that has been wronged. you defend the offender.

 

can't really believe I have to explain that.

[UnsureinSeattle]

How is that any different than you jumping to defend the betrayed?

 

 

Yes, how dare ANYONE defend the betrayed.

[ladydesigner]

Again, I take exception to this. While it is true that people view infidelity differently, I'd wager it's the cheater that sees the action as a 'gray area' and the betrayed who sees it in black and white. Does that make it true? I doubt it. Surely, if right and wrong are subjective, there is no reason for anyone to write about anything. We'll all just do what we do. But it doesn't work like that.

 

To a child, or anyone of 'limited knowledge' it all seems pretty clear. There's so much spin going on, people forget which end is up. Right and wrong is not subjective, it is not up for debate. This is the problem! Only when we're persecuted does the reality manifest itself completely.

 

It's different then, isn't it? When it happens to us?

 

I've once again fallen into the habit of responding to responders. Sorry. But, this seems a pretty open place for expression.

 

I agree with you Steadfast and in a way I believe you may be correct in saying the cheater sees it as gray. I did see things being very black and white in regards to infidelity before I became a BS. Since having become a WS it has opened a gray area for me. Sometimes I feel I can understand why my H cheated on me even though it doesn't make it right. Same applies to myself. Very good post!

[confusedinkansas]

because I can admit it.

 

that and the difference is, i'm defending someone that has been wronged. you defend the offender.

 

can't really believe I have to explain that.

 

It was a rhetorical question not a literal one.

I know the difference.

My point is that you defend what you know & I 'Jump To The Defense' of what I know.

We comment here on what we know.

Our Life's Experience. Not someone elses.

[What_Next]

Yes, how dare ANYONE defend the betrayed.

 

No kidding

 

Finally I agree with CIK, she jumps to the defence of a cheater because she is one. Have at that. I personally don't understand supporting something that causes so much pain, but then again as you say, it's what you know. Good grief.

[UnsureinSeattle]

PS, WN- those that have followed your story (and that of your wife) know that you're one of the good ones around these parts.

[What_Next]

PS, WN- those that have followed your story (and that of your wife) know that you're one of the good ones around these parts.

 

 

What an incredibly nice thing to say UnsureinSeattle. I am also happy to admit that we are continuing to make such progress. It's been the one of the hardest things I've ever been through but at the end of the day I get to wrap my arms around her at night and fall asleep next to her, so it must have been all worth it.