JaneyAmazed Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I know that a lot of people wonder if a WS can really be faithful after an affair. My answer is if you really want to, you will. It's a choice. Just like the choice to enter an affair or the choice to confess or not. I made the worst choice I could have by entering into an affair, but I made the best choice of my life ending the affair. The second best choice I made was working on my marriage while maintaining NC with xOM. There's something so rewarding about being completely transparent with my h now. Having a h that is fighting as hard as I am for our marriage is what makes this work. He and I have been closer than ever. I'm still "janeyamazed" because of the faith he has in me. He has truly forgiven me. He has been so compassionate and so helpful. He lets me know I can always talk to him about anything. Just the fact that he willingly goes to MC now lets me know how much he cares. I do believe people go through suffering that make them stronger and wiser. I am one of those people. So is my h. I will carry these scars with me for a long time, but with these scars, I carry hope. I know who I was meant to be with. I love the man I've shared the last 12 years with. We've been through so much together. My marriage is something worth respecting and holding on to. Men like my h do not come along often, and, God willing, I will spend the rest of my life making sure he knows how much I do cherish him. I guess my point is I really did learn my lesson. I took what I learned, and have become a better wife.
2sunny Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 sounds like a post written IF you know your spouse might read this... seriously... be honest. it helps. is your husband reading here? sounds like it to me.
What_Next Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Janey, as you know I will be blunt when it is needed and I find your post self serving. When I read it, your self centred nature comes bleeding through it. That's the way I read it. "He has truly forgiven you". No he hasn't. Not yet. He might in time, but there isn't a chance in he__ he has "forgiven" you just yet. He might have chosen to accept it and attempt a reconciliation as I have in my own marriage but he hasn't magically forgiven. FWIW you destroyed your marriage when you had your affair, you trampled your vows and made them null and void. You might be able to build a new marriage and partnership but the old one is gone.
2sunny Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Having a h that is fighting as hard as I am for our marriage is what makes this work. that's a start - but it's not really HIS to DO - it's yours. YOU need to change and grow. find out EXACTLY what made you cheat! have you? do you know WHY you cheated... have you told him? He and I have been closer than ever. it's an illusion. that's peachy if you feel close... but i can guarantee he is feeling apprehensive about trusting you. you cheated, remember? own it. you betrayed the one man you are SUPPOSED to love. why did you betray him? what steps have you taken to be SURE you won't do it again? I'm still "janeyamazed" because of the faith he has in me. how can he have faith in you when you didn't even trust yourself enough to NOT cheat? that's not faith... that's stupidity. what EVIDENCE does he have to trust you? be specific. He has truly forgiven me. no he hasn't. don't be so naive... He has been so compassionate and so helpful. that's great... now what? He lets me know I can always talk to him about anything. did you tell him all the intimate details of your cheating? did you tell him why you cheated? did you tell him how selfish and self serving you are? did you tell him all the lies, half truths, lies by omission and cover ups you had to do in order to cheat and betray him? talk to him about all that! have you? he may SAY he's trusting - but stop making assumptions. what made you cheat? what have YOU done to be sure it won't happen again in the next 40 years? please answer all the questions...
thomasb Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) JA, I could have written your post word for word. Yes, you can be faithful after an affair. It has been over a decade since mine. I have not cheated again, nor would I ever wish to be that disgusted with my own behavior again. And yes, your spouse can forgive you. They won't forget. Who could? I thank God daily for having a wife who loved me enough and had the strength to forgive me. I am truly blessed! Edited April 13, 2011 by thomasb Too early to spell I guess
silktricks Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 JA - it's early days yet, but congratulations on all the progress you both have made towards recovery. As long as you both continue to put all (or at least most ) of your energy towards making your marriage great, things will continue to improve. Don't forget though, it is easy to fall back into bad habits (for both of you), so when things do get tough on occasion (and they will ), don't either of you forget how far you've come and what the important things really are. Good luck and congratulations again on all of your progress.
confusedinkansas Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Janey, as you know I will be blunt when it is needed and I find your post self serving. When I read it, your self centred nature comes bleeding through it. That's the way I read it. "He has truly forgiven you". No he hasn't. Not yet. He might in time, but there isn't a chance in he__ he has "forgiven" you just yet. He might have chosen to accept it and attempt a reconciliation as I have in my own marriage but he hasn't magically forgiven. FWIW you destroyed your marriage when you had your affair, you trampled your vows and made them null and void. You might be able to build a new marriage and partnership but the old one is gone. Bolded - How do you know that? Are you in their marriage counseling sessions too? WhatNext - You are such a doubting thomas when it comes to those of us who have successful marriages after the fact. Janey - Your husband sounds very much like mine. GOOD FOR YOU BOTH! I could have typed this out myself too (a few years ago obviously) We're at a point where we don't think about it - don't mention it. Any counseling (brief) is over. We've moved WAY PAST it. I hope that in a few years you can say the same.
thomasb Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) Bolded - How do you know that? Are you in their marriage counseling sessions too? WhatNext - You are such a doubting thomas when it comes to those of us who have successful marriages after the fact. Janey - Your husband sounds very much like mine. GOOD FOR YOU BOTH! I could have typed this out myself too (a few years ago obviously) We're at a point where we don't think about it - don't mention it. Any counseling (brief) is over. We've moved WAY PAST it. I hope that in a few years you can say the same. You bring up a good point, CIK. An awful lot of people don't understand that an affair is not the be all end all in a marriage. My wife and I have been through lots of issues that were more difficult. Like the death of a child. As my wife stated, it makes that seem like a minor blip now. I should add that at the time it was the end of the world. It was almost the end of mine since I almost lost my wife! Edited April 13, 2011 by thomasb Still too early!
What_Next Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Bolded - How do you know that? Are you in their marriage counseling sessions too? WhatNext - You are such a doubting thomas when it comes to those of us who have successful marriages after the fact. Janey - Your husband sounds very much like mine. Don't be daft, of course I cannot be privy to their sessions. Just using a dose of common sense. I'm not surprised you jumped on this post CIK as you seem to love to support cheaters. Being one yourself of course that makes sense. I am such a doubting thomas? Really? Now I like that, very cute. I am a realist. You seem to forget that I am in the process of trying to reconcile with my wife as well. thomasb, I at least tend to believe your post. You always come across a sincere and honest about your story, unlike some around here. An affair is certainly most defintely NOT the be all and end all of a marriage, but it is the end of a marriage. The vows are broken, they are of no value. Period. A new relationship can be built and the WS can most definitely be faithful, that is true.
2sunny Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 2 sunny. Excellent post. thx... but i notice the OP hasn't been here today to answer anything. IF she states she is willing to be faithful- she will have hard evidence showing exactly what she has DONE to make everything different than it was before. IF it's not - then SHE is not any different. could be same gal - just a new day... she needs to show how she changed... words are simply not enough - especially when she still shows evidence of worrying about how SHE feels at this point. THAT is showing evidence that she hasn't made progress at all...
WorldIsYours Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 You bring up a good point, CIK. An awful lot of people don't understand that an affair is not the be all end all in a marriage. My wife and I have been through lots of issues that were more difficult. Like the death of a child. As my wife stated, it makes that seem like a minor blip now. I should add that at the time it was the end of the world. It was almost the end of mine since I almost lost my wife! :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
confusedinkansas Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Don't be daft, of course I cannot be privy to their sessions. Just using a dose of common sense. I'm not surprised you jumped on this post CIK as you seem to love to support cheaters. Being one yourself of course that makes sense. I am such a doubting thomas? Really? Now I like that, very cute. I am a realist. You seem to forget that I am in the process of trying to reconcile with my wife as well. thomasb, I at least tend to believe your post. You always come across a sincere and honest about your story, unlike some around here. An affair is certainly most defintely NOT the be all and end all of a marriage, but it is the end of a marriage. The vows are broken, they are of no value. Period. A new relationship can be built and the WS can most definitely be faithful, that is true. Touche' - Say what you will about me. I'm like Thomasb - I know for a fact that an affair is NOT the end of a marriage. AND I too know that MUCH WORSE things than an affair can happen & folks can still make it out & stay married. Whatnext - If you're really trying to "Reconcile" with your wife - (which I doubt because you even said above that an affair is the end of a marriage) Why all the doubt? Where's your faith? If you're not willing to try then what's the point? If you're already going into a reconciliation with all this animosity & hatred for your wife - You're right 100% - there is NO WAY IN HELL the (your) marriage will work out after this. This is exactly why I started the thread Why Stay? If you're going to go kicking & screaming & bitching all the way for the next 20 years......then you shouldn't stay.
ladydesigner Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Touche' - Say what you will about me. I'm like Thomasb - I know for a fact that an affair is NOT the end of a marriage. AND I too know that MUCH WORSE things than an affair can happen & folks can still make it out & stay married. Whatnext - If you're really trying to "Reconcile" with your wife - (which I doubt because you even said above that an affair is the end of a marriage) Why all the doubt? Where's your faith? If you're not willing to try then what's the point? If you're already going into a reconciliation with all this animosity & hatred for your wife - You're right 100% - there is NO WAY IN HELL the (your) marriage will work out after this. This is exactly why I started the thread Why Stay? If you're going to go kicking & screaming & bitching all the way for the next 20 years......then you shouldn't stay. I definitely have to agree with the bolded statement. If a BS (and I am one) cannot move forward and begin to let go of the animosity. THIS is not healthy for a marriage or for the kids. Kids can definitely feel that stuff. And thomasb, I am so sorry you had to endure the loss of a child. In my eyes infidelity doesn't even touch the surface of an issue like that IMO.
ladydesigner Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I do believe one can be faithful after an A if they want to be just like they can chose to be unfaithful if they want to be.
Ms.YummyM Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Sounds like Janey's husband is a pushover if she seems to believe that everything is all well 3 months after her affair! As for CIK your h sounds the same..which in your case makes defending affairs on this forum all the more fun for you! Both you ladies have more issues than you can ever imagine.
ladydesigner Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Sounds like Janey's husband is a pushover if she seems to believe that everything is all well 3 months after her affair! As for CIK your h sounds the same..which in your case makes defending affairs on this forum all the more fun for you! Both you ladies have more issues than you can ever imagine. Everyone has issues, who doesn't. While I agree that maybe things might not be well below the surface. It is not healthy for a M if one person continues to let the issue fester forever. You either move forward or move on without the person, the other would be limbo I suppose. I think limbo would be the worst case scenario.
confusedinkansas Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Sounds like Janey's husband is a pushover if she seems to believe that everything is all well 3 months after her affair! As for CIK your h sounds the same..which in your case makes defending affairs on this forum all the more fun for you! Both you ladies have more issues than you can ever imagine. I 've never defended an affair. I don't think that it's right compound an already shaky situation with one either. I also know that you can't change what's happened. I do however; have an opinion about those that bash the crap out of someone that's had one - mostly because I know that marriages can move on past an affair, you're not a horrible person for having one & contrary to popular belief, the world DOES GO ON after an affair. When you're not in a marriage I find it hard to believe that you can call someone a pushover - unless you yourself are the 'fly on the wall' My husband is far from a pushover. What he is would be someone that doesn't carry a grudge forever. He doesn't hide under a rock when someone does him wrong - curl up like a baby & rock himself silly for the rest of his life. He moves on. It's really one of his best qualities. Not because of the affair, but because of how he acts in a normal everyday situation. Affair or no affair. We've both had to move on & get over some things that have happened in our marriage. Thomasb. <hug> I too am sorry for your loss of a child. I cannot even imagine the pain. But I can imagine something like that is far worse to have to deal with than an affair.
Ms.YummyM Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 So you think 3 months after your affair everything was honkey dorey with your husband cik?
WorldIsYours Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Sounds like Janey's husband is a pushover if she seems to believe that everything is all well 3 months after her affair! That's probably part of it, but at the end of the day Janey and CIK continue to be selfish because they want to be. As for CIK your h sounds the same..which in your case makes defending affairs on this forum all the more fun for you! Cheaters are very mentally disturbed individuals. Both you ladies have more issues than you can ever imagine. Sadly I agree.:(
WorldIsYours Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Everyone has issues, who doesn't. While I agree that maybe things might not be well below the surface. It is not healthy for a M if one person continues to let the issue fester forever. You either move forward or move on without the person, the other would be limbo I suppose. I think limbo would be the worst case scenario. Yes we can move forward, but that doesn't mean automatically the discussion and problems of the cheating are over with.
drifter777 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 When you're not in a marriage I find it hard to believe that you can call someone a pushover - unless you yourself are the 'fly on the wall' My husband is far from a pushover. What he is would be someone that doesn't carry a grudge forever. He doesn't hide under a rock when someone does him wrong - curl up like a baby & rock himself silly for the rest of his life. He moves on. It's really one of his best qualities. Not because of the affair, but because of how he acts in a normal everyday situation. Every time you post it's like you are a cheerleader for the cheaters. When describing your husband you make sure to put down every man who continues to struggle with their wives cheating by contrast. Guess what? From what I have found reading numerous books & papers and forums it appears that the majority of men have a difficult time forgiving their cheating wife because they are not able to get the images of her and OM out of their heads. Does this actually come as news to you? I'll take you at your word; everything is wonderful in CIK-land and your husband is God-like. But many of us continue to struggle and are at varying points in our recovery. I really wish you would stop giving your opinion on the ability of men to reconcile their relationship with a cheating partner. You don't know what it's like and you never will. Comparing losing a child with infidelity is like comparing apples and elephants so lets all stop using that analogy.
WorldIsYours Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I 've never defended an affair. I don't think that it's right compound an already shaky situation with one either. I also know that you can't change what's happened. I do however; have an opinion about those that bash the crap out of someone that's had one - mostly because I know that marriages can move on past an affair, you're not a horrible person for having one & contrary to popular belief, the world DOES GO ON after an affair. When you're not in a marriage I find it hard to believe that you can call someone a pushover - unless you yourself are the 'fly on the wall' My husband is far from a pushover. What he is would be someone that doesn't carry a grudge forever. He doesn't hide under a rock when someone does him wrong - curl up like a baby & rock himself silly for the rest of his life. He moves on. It's really one of his best qualities. Not because of the affair, but because of how he acts in a normal everyday situation. Affair or no affair. We've both had to move on & get over some things that have happened in our marriage. Thomasb. <hug> I too am sorry for your loss of a child. I cannot even imagine the pain. But I can imagine something like that is far worse to have to deal with than an affair. :rolleyes::rolleyes:
ladydesigner Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Yes we can move forward, but that doesn't mean automatically the discussion and problems of the cheating are over with. Totally agree with this. The infidelity never goes away. That could never be forgotten. I was referring to one spouse continuing to hold animosity towards another relentlessly, that is unhealthy. I still will feel bouts of animosity when triggered I think that is normal.
thomasb Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Comparing losing a child with infidelity is like comparing apples and elephants so lets all stop using that analogy. Drifter, I wasn't comparing the two. Just the pain from life altering experiences. They both are that. And they both bring you to your knees. I understand that. And watching my wife recover from my affair was horrendous. And it has taken years to achieve.
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