drumguy18 Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I'm in a hard situation, and my mind varies between different opinions all the time. I hope someone can offer some advice. My girlfriend of a year broke up with me a little over 4 months ago, and I took it pretty hard. I really loved this girl, and I've spent a lot of the time between then and now in denial. At first, we rarely talked if ever (which I believe is normal?), but eventually she kinda pushed to become friends. We are "friends" at this stage, but not very close ones -- we just kinda chat here and there. Sometimes though she asks to hang out, and we do, but I'm not sure it's for the best. She has hot and cold phases. Sometimes, she is flirtatious, gives me a lot of attention, can be sometimes a little physical (i.e., pinching me playfully). This usually makes me feel happy because I don't know if I've really been able to let go of her completely, and the attention from her is something I used to love. Other times, she is too busy, or gives me something of a cold shoulder, and doesn't even seem happy that I'm there. It's when I see this side of her that I usually have trouble. Basically it's like I get built up when she's "warm", and then fall back down when she's "cold". After all this time, I haven't been able to get her out of my mind... it's very draining and has made me emotional. But this was even before we really tried to be friends, so I don't know how this influences anything. My basic question is that, is this "friendship" healthy? Since it does make me happy when she's "warm" and at these times she seems to at least like me, should I push for a stronger friendship? I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied with a friendship; I have a gut feeling I will always desire more. And there's definitely the feeling of loss. But should I just wait to see if thinks settle down? Should I call off the friendship? It worries me because I know that seeing her with another guy (though it hasn't happened yet) would be really hurtful for me. The only problem with this is that firstly, she seems to occasionally try to hang out again... for instance, over spring break, we both went back to our home town from college, and she asked me to hang out quite a bit... but it died back down mostly after we got back to school. With summer approaching, there's no telling if this behavior will repeat... Also, we share a lot of common friends, and I just don't think it's possible to avoid contact. I don't know how to deal with this. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read and respond to my post.
look forward Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Hi drumist I am really sorry for your suffering here but I think the only way to alleviate the pain you are feeling is to limit contact with this girl so you can actually get over her.. At the moment you are still in limbo and you need a clear break to gather your thoughts, accept the situation and heal the best way you can.. then and only then can you guys even think about being friends.. I don't think this friendship is healthy because deep down you want more and it is just prolonging your pain my friend.. whether she blows hot or cold is beside the point she has ended the relationship and you need to accept this and move on.. having mutual friends if difficult but I still think in this case you need minimal contact with this girl.. Just tell her you are not ready to be friends with her yet and hope that she will respect that.. I know this is not want you want to do but if you continue to be available to her to hang out whenever she wants how the hell are you ever gonna get over this girl..and how will this affect you when she meets someone else? You'll be devastated .. Find the strength to limit contact and heal...
lady104 Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Am I right that this girl dumped you? And now she's playing hot and cold mindgames with you? Is she not finding another guy, so you're the fall-back guy for now. Don't let yourself be used emotionally like this! Girls can be bitches, sometimes they don't even know the faults they're making, but she shouldn't be given a chance to mess with you. Stand your ground. Tell her it's either the whole of you or nothing that she can have.
Author drumguy18 Posted April 6, 2004 Author Posted April 6, 2004 Yes, she dumped me. The reason it's hard for me to totally turn my back on her is because she broke up with me "for college" about halfway through the summer after high school, and we got back together pretty soon after college started. Still that breakup wasn't nearly as bad, and I can tell things were different from the get go this time, as we stopped talking altogether for a period of time, but that never happened over the summer. Anyway, this has made it hard for me to throw out the possibility of getting back together, which I think I need to just let go of. Also, I'm a "nice guy" (yes I know, nice guys finish last) and it's hard for me to know how to really tell her the right way. Should I just try to stop hanging out with her without really SAYING anything, or should I be more direct and forthcoming and just say why I don't want to hang out? I kinda get the impression that she wouldn't have seen that coming at all. This summer I think the tables might turn for a change... I'll be busy with friends (I have a lot more friends in my home town than I do at school, at least so far) and she won't (she's the opposite -- not as many friends at home). I think this will let me move on more easily. Thanks for responding.
look forward Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Drumist just tell her straight your not ready to be friends yet, because its still raw for you and she needs to give you a little time and space for you to heal and sort yourself out.. good luck
kgal Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Hmm.. I can kind of relate.. with the friendship/pain scenario. I'm trying to stay friends w/my ex too.. and it really hurts because there's that "loss" feeling and it just hurts so much. I think the best thing is probably just to limit contact..like someone mentioned earlier in this post. I'm trying to do the same w/my ex.. and I feel that's the only true way I can accept things and really try to move on. I bet if you do this.. and me as well.. lol... time will help a whole lot and mend alot of wounds. Just know that you have to focus on YOU for now. God Bless.
overseas2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 I am friends with all my exes except the most recent one. But the only reason that I am friends with all of them is because I did not let that happen until I was ready and totally over them. It took me two years to be able to speak to one of them I was so angry at him. So don't do it until you are well over it and it is obvious that you are not.
malorie Posted April 10, 2004 Posted April 10, 2004 well hello, im malorie and it just so happens that how your ex girl is acting is kinda how my ex boyfriend is acting... i dont know if i can give you accurate advice but i can tell you that youre not alone in the least bit! my ex bf, which i still love so so so much acts like this and it drives me nuts, its kind of like menopause (he he he) moodswings but there more like emotion swings arent they? when i dumped him for lying and also cheating on me a year ago, i planned on taking him back and he was flipping out and begging for me, but now he says he is happier and free'er than he has ever been . like today when we talked about me coming over to his house which i have done 2 times since the break up on march 9th... he said he was so happy, and me there with tear filled eyes i said i loved him and i was glad he was happy even though he wasnt the person i once knew, and he snapped and said, you dont want me back?? and i said of course, then he said well we cant be together right now because i dont want commitment. he is hurting me so badley and playing with my mind so much and he is acting like a woman! yes i know im female but im not one of the normal snotty "oh look at me" types. the friendship is always healthy but im learning the hard way that if the other is moving on even somewhat then you gotta do the same or it will hurt so so much more! when she gives you the cold shoulder, tell yourself "Im ok, i dont need her" then when she acts flirty and friendly give her the cold shoulder, either you'll move on or she'll realize what shes missing and want you back. i do know how bad it hurts and dont you just wish that she could live a day in your shoes and you in hers and treat her the way she treats you and let her feel it?? not to hurt her but to make her aware of her actions... once again if you need a friend im here for you...
hurtingandconfused Posted April 10, 2004 Posted April 10, 2004 Should I call off the friendship? It worries me because I know that seeing her with another guy (though it hasn't happened yet) would be really hurtful for me. yes call it off
malorie Posted April 10, 2004 Posted April 10, 2004 hey, this is malorie again, i know calling off the friendship is gonna be tough as hell but you gotta be strong!!! and remember im here for ya... you dont even have to call it breaking off a friendship, consider it taking a little time off. last night i told my ex bf to bring his friend that is a girl to eat at the restrurant i work at but then i realized if he really would have i would have had a break down in public.
Author drumguy18 Posted April 14, 2004 Author Posted April 14, 2004 Thank you everyone for your warm replies. I think I have finally begun to shift my mental attitude so that I don't have to base my happiness on her anymore. This is a big change for me, and I haven't gotten depressed/sad in over a week now, which trust me is a big deal. I haven't hung out with her since, and it's honestly been a relief in many ways. I haven't really been IMing her, but she does still occasionally IM me... every day or two, usually with a light topic of conversation that doesn't last very long. One thing I have noticed is that even if we do hang out, we don't connect like we used to anymore, so I'm through trying to force us to connect when we just don't. At the same time, I do feel compelled to be her friend, and I would like to be for the most part... we were friends before our relationship. Really the only reason I wouldn't is because I'm worried it will just stir up emotions in me and make me sad. But I also I think I have to become her friend eventually because of the common ties we share. Do you think I am being rude because I never IM her? Even though she does IM me occasionally? Do you think even this limited interaction could pose a threat to my happiness? If she asks me to do something should I accept?
hurtingandconfused Posted April 14, 2004 Posted April 14, 2004 Do you think even this limited interaction could pose a threat to my happiness? Yes If she asks me to do something should I accept? No IF I WERE YOU, I would block her or even change my sn to another.
Author drumguy18 Posted April 14, 2004 Author Posted April 14, 2004 That wouldn't work even if I wanted to. See, this is someone who I will have contact with in the future, and my goal is to completely accept the change in our position (and I'm getting closer everyday). Pretending like she doesn't exist is only a way of avoiding the problem at hand, and I refuse to be cold like that.
hurtingandconfused Posted April 14, 2004 Posted April 14, 2004 I guess that we are different. If that pleases you, then remain friends with her. Anyway, I was only trying to help. Pretending like she doesn't exist is only a way of avoiding the problem at hand, and I refuse to be cold like that. If pretending helps you cope with your loss then I am glad for you. I know that I wouldn't be able to pretend anything.
Author drumguy18 Posted April 15, 2004 Author Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by hurtingandconfused I guess that we are different. If that pleases you, then remain friends with her. Anyway, I was only trying to help. Sorry if I came off rudely... Sometimes I have trouble really accepting some of the advice I'm offered but later realize it really might be for the best after all. I still won't take it AS drastic, but I think you have merit to your argument. I was taking to a friend of mine who knows me much better than anyone on this forum would, and he provided some insight that I thought I'd share as I agree with him. I am a fairly introverted person, and the type of friendship that I want to have (with anyone) is a more close relationship where you hang out on a frequent basis. I'm happy with a few good friends like that. She is more of a person who likes to have a lot of not-so-close friends. She likes to have people that she can chat with a bit but not much more. Right now, I think we are kinda exhibiting that type of friendship... a very loose one where she IMs me when she's bored and just wants someone to chat with for a little bit. I am the opposite and really don't like being in these kinds of relationships, and especially so with someone who I once had a very close relationship with. I think I'm just going to try to slowly have the relationship die away, and see what happens. I've been happy when she's not in my life, and I would be if she was closely in my life, but in-between is just hard for me so I'm not gonna settle for that anymore.
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