LCA1986 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I made a boo boo. I had deleted my ex from Facebook because I did not want to know what was going on in her life, but today I took a peek via my cousin's Facebook and I was not happy with what I saw. Apparently, she seems happy and enjoying life. She seems to be dating someone… I don't know how serious that is, but still… I am not even close to being ready to date. It hurts, a lot. I came home from work and all I have been doing is think think and think. A lot of questions such as "Am I really that worthless?" "Am I really that replaceable?" "Did she mean everything she said to me when we were together?". I was doing alright, but at the same time maybe this will be a push towards finally letting go. What pisses me off the most is that for one whole month she was asking me to show her how much I cared for her and that's what I was doing until I found out she went on a date, which was a week ago and decided to go NC after that. What pisses me off is that I was always straightforward with her and I expected the same, after all we are adults. If you don't like something, tell me… so I can remedy it. It's funny, or not really funny, but my only two break ups (I have only had 2 meaningful relationships) ended the same way. I got to a point where I felt they wanted out but they didn't have the courage to do so. So, I was the one who broke it off even though I was the one who felt (both times) as the dumpee. I am the one who gets the worst of both worlds, the guilt for saying "Let's break up" and the feelings of a dumpee. I am emotionally tired by now… I am tired of thinking of her, I am tired of caring for her, and I am just done. I just cant believe that it's hurting this much, it was a relatively short time relationship (5 months) compared to my last one (4 years). You would think this would get easier, and yes, it's easier but still hard to let go since she is the first person I dated after 2 years of being single. I wish I was like her or my ex, they went to date people right afterwards… I wish I could do that easily. But I dont want to risk using someone as a rebound if I am not ready. Maybe what makes this harder it's the fact that my self stem has taken a kick down. Maybe what makes it harder is the fact that I am seeing this as a rejection rather than an experience. Sometimes I wonder what's better, to have your ex show that they care for you in a way… to be given the slightest hope. Or to have a cold hearted Ex who does not care about you but is at least bluntly honest with you. I think I would go with the last one, but maybe my opinion will change once I actually get to experience this with someone who has the courage of being upfront and honest. I apologize. I had to vent, but any advice will be greatly appreciated. I am already taking steps to improve myself. I have applied to the local Red Cross to start volunteering soon, and I am planning to buy a self help book about letting go.
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