2seeyou Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 My ex and I broke up over a month ago from a three year relationship. We were best friends and lovers. During this month, there was a motor mouth in the picture who played us both into believing we were saying nasty things about each other. I could feel this spiraling out of control if I didn't contact her. I couldn't stand it anymore and I called her and said I miss you, I miss our conversations, our laughter, our dorkiness..the things that made us unique as a couple. At first, she was reluctant to talk and then she started saying she missed me. I suggested lets start this over, date others, do whatever because I would rather have you in my life than not at all. She agreed that she wanted me back in her life too. We had three good laughs because she knew just what to say to get me tickled. Moreover, she joined in with the laughing. The woman I first met, was coming to life again. Here's the twist, what she did next, floored me and I could not grasp it. She said, we need no contact for at least 1 month. (She initiated the break up with me) I could not believe what I was hearing. This is some of the email from the DUMPER... "Starting April 11, 2011 In order for us to rekindle our friendship, we will have to detox our toxic past. Throw out the rubbish from our past so we can start over and build that trust. One month, we will not have ANY contact whatsoever. That mean, no contact via: phone text email facebook running into each other at the store (if that happens). May 11th, We will re-evaluate everything. If we have successfully completed this stage, I will treat you to a slurpee. If you try to contact me at least once (phone, text, email etc.) we will start over that month. Ie: contacting me on May1st, before May 11, we will have to start the detoxing process over again for a month. We can do this. This is a time to really heal, get stronger and look forward to a healthy friendship. This is a time to build the trust. Stop contacting Cindy who is filling rubbish in your head. Heal. I look forward to having a slurpee with you on May 11th. Take care and get better- What am I suppose to think about this? I am totally happy, confused, doubtful, hopeful, etc. I certainly agreed with it because I've been coming to this site. Please help me figure this one out...it's just a little too ironic for me. Im in the box, so I need eyes outside to give me a better perspective. Thanks to all!
Google1000 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 ...are you okay with just being friends? If so, then go for it. You will be getting friend zoned.
danrs Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Well, I could go either way with this one. It hugely depends on what YOU know about her personality and WE don't. If she's generally a wisecracker, and you two have that kind of banter together, then I'd say she's 100% right, is very smart, and is trying to "lighten the mood", yet still address what she (and you) know needs to be done. I don't agree with her methods here as she "dumped" you, needs to be sensitive to that (and it appears she's not being so), but I don't know the type of rapport you two had together. On the other hand, if she's not typically a witty "smart azz" (in a good way), then this seems to me to be so "off the charts" condenscending and so full of herself, that I'd tell her to take that slurpee, (not in a month, but immediately), make sure it is extra cold, and shove it right up her azz. Tell us how you two used to talk, and we can better form an opinion on this one. This almost sounds to me like "witty banter" and lightening the mood, but it's hard to tell without knowing her. At any rate, no matter the manner of the delivery of the message, she is right. NC for a good long period, and re-evaluate after that. However, if she's just being a total self centered bitsh here and this is generally not her nature, she'd get much longer than a month of NC from me, she'd get all of eternity...
DustySaltus Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Someone who cares about you would bring you a slurpee TODAY, sit with you and try and work things out. This is the ultimate lose lose situation. If you wait the month and do excatly what she says, you've lost all of your backbone. I think she already made up her mind and as others have said, she fast tracking you to the friend zone. Don't even respond to the email, just disappear and move on with your life. Let her beat down your door. Slurpees in a month?!?! Give me a @$##% break.
Author 2seeyou Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Danrs and Google 1000, thanks for your immediate feedback about my situation with my ex. I will try to address the rapport we had with each other. I am a very analytical person who delights in meeting another person who can express themselves in an original, diplomatic manner with me. To make me laugh, is to take me out of my safety zone because I don't trust others. This banter we exchange causes me to laughand is forgein, yet very welcome in my life. I can be very serious and sometimes forget to laugh. When I first me her, she possessed these qualities and that was a strong lure for me to further the friendship which led to our relationdhip. She knows I am working on my Phd degree and can get so consumed in it that I can't stop relating everything in life to Psycholgy through eyes of a researcher. I just don't know how to keep the teacher in me out of my relationships with others. She was teaching me how to be human and not a teacher/researcher in all areas of my life. I need this light hearted banter to ground me and remind me that there is more to life than the process of viewing others with eyes of a professor. She stated that she knew I'd re-evaluate this break up to the point of mental exhaustion (she is right about that part of my personality). If anything, I am the haughty, caustic person in this relationship. She kept me in tune with life through witty banter because I get bored rather easily if If I am nof challenged. She knows that I need those quips to take a more human approach to situations outside my profession. The banter serves its purpose to relieve me of being a teacher/researcher in our personal relationship. She is not condescending at all. She knows me, she knows my soul. Likewise, I know her more in psychological terms with love. I am trying to get to a point where she is not a subject in my mind to process in terms of psychology. The banter of witty humor is actually a good sign because it lets me know she still cares about me. She knows I am a deep thinker and can't stop it. I need her fun, diplomatic banter to keep me focused on us and not the psychological dynamics of this relationship that has been broken due to my approach. It is common for me to converse with her as though she is a student and I need to explain all our experiences in psychologicol terms. Therfore, she knows that I need some light hearted jokes to help chill me out. She gets me and meets my needs. She is once again reaching out to me so I can work on becoming a person, not a professor 24/7. I saw all the "we" statements in the email and that indicates she sees us together at some point. I get a tinge of hope in that letter because she used "us" so many times. She even presented alternative plans if NC is broken this month. (She knows I won't break it because of my obligation to keep my word. The nc is for me to learn how to chill out by myself and learn to joke and play in life. I have said some very cruel things to her about her playground approach to life. Yet, it's the very thing I need to learn how to do by myself. The slurrpy date (one of our dorky things) is something fun I can look forward to because it reminds me of my ultimate goal...enjoy the moment of something so simple as sucking flavored sugar through a straw without analysis. I have a tremendous amout of work to do to become more well rounded without her assistance. It's a blessing that she would reconsider starting again with a friendship because of my treatment toward her in the past. I can be brutal with my caustic tongue. I see this as a second chance to work on my issues so we can be together and make that human to human connection. I hope this helps explain the situation and shed more insight to the dynamics of our relationship. Again, I need those outside this box to give me different perspectives. I appreciate all feedback about this situation and different perspectives offered to broaden my awareness. I am counting on those who have experience in this kind of situation. I look forward to hearing from you all.
worldgonewrong Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 May 11th, We will re-evaluate everything. If we have successfully completed this stage, I will treat you to a slurpee. If you try to contact me at least once (phone, text, email etc.) we will start over that month. Ie: contacting me on May1st, before May 11, we will have to start the detoxing process over again for a month. June 11, if the detox process has had to start over again, then this will be our meet-up day. This time, there will be no slurpee. However, I will provide a warm orange Fanta. If you have again breached the no-contact rule, then...you guessed it. July 11, by this point, I will be running low on money. You bring the slurpee, please. August 11, I can't believe you broke the NC rule. That's 3 times so far. I brought half of a cheese sandwich and some Andy Capp Hot Fries. And no, you may not have a sip of my YooHoo. There's a vending machine across the street. September 11, I've begun to notice you keep breaking NC in order to put me off and also to get free snacks & meals at these meet-ups. I'm on to you. Which is why I've had this particular meeting catered: roast duck, filet mignon, a bottle of Bourdeaux, and a salad. I hope you do NOT misinterpret this civil meeting as a "date" of any kind, even though there are candles on the table.
guccimane99 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 If i was in ur shoes and you liked her and wanted her back i would be the guy and go out and show that shes the stupid one for no contact then if u want by the month then try it but to be honest if she told me that as soon as slurpee day came around i would say sorry i got a date
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