heartnsol Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 My ex of two years cheated on me and then dumped me for the guy she cheated on me with. I've known my ex for years, we were great friends for a while before we actually dated, and now my whole world came crashing down. I keep telling myself that I deserve better, that it's her loss, and these things do help, but I just can't help but get really sick every time the image of her and her new bf sneaks into my mind, the fact that he gets to enjoy her mind and body now while I sit at home alone. It makes me physically sick, my blood boil, my head spin. I just hate that she's "so happy now" while I'm miserable, even though she was the cruel person. And since all of our friends are mutual since we've been in the same friend group for so long (my roommate is one of her oldest friends), I don't get much support. I'm really trying to get past this. How do I cope with these stupid mental images that creep into my mind?
Duckduckgoose Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 So your friends are not giving you much support because SHE cheated? Umm... those don't sound like good quality friends. Find new friends. Easier said then done I know. Hang out more with the friends that were not mutual. Yeah... so the new guy gets to hang out with your ex. The chick that CHEATED on you with him. Someone who doesn't have a conscious to end one relationship before messing with a new person. Wow, sounds like you are the lucky one because if she cheats WITH him she will cheat ON him... that is if he doesn't cheat on her first. Karma has a way with these things. When you start thinking of how happy they must be together, remember all the little quirks and things you hated about her (I know there were some) like a funky mole on her back that really grossed you out, or maybe you caught her picking her nose and eating it (gross). Just think, now he gets to deal with that **** and YOU don't have to. Or the way her twat smelled really bad sometimes and made you cringe Sorry had to throw that last one in. Make a list of the things about her that really irked you and put in on your fridge... or somewhere you can read it if you are feeling down. I did this with my exH and his... peculiarities. It helped some, but really his biggest character flaws will be forever ingrained in my head. I don't miss that crap one bit.
NoEnd_Mary Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Yeah... so the new guy gets to hang out with your ex. The chick that CHEATED on you with him. Someone who doesn't have a conscious to end one relationship before messing with a new person. Wow, sounds like you are the lucky one because if she cheats WITH him she will cheat ON him... that is if he doesn't cheat on her first. Karma has a way with these things. When you start thinking of how happy they must be together, remember all the little quirks and things you hated about her I agree. Once a cheater always a cheater. They seem all happy now but that honeymoon stage only lasts about 2 months and then the reality is going to sink in and they are back to their old selves. You are better than that. It is hard to stop thinking about it I know, I am in the same boat but Duckgoose's advice on thinking of their negative qualities really help. My ex had soo much baggage - money, family probs, that I'm so happy I dumped him b/c now I get to rid all that mental clutter and focus on myself. Give yourself time. Distract yourself, go out, don't stay in the bed. Keep us posted.
Author heartnsol Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to make that list! It'll be hard because I really did love everything about her, but I'll rack my brains. And it's not that they're bad friends. They know that what she did was wrong. SHE knows that what she did was wrong, she felt so guilty afterwards but it seems like she has completely moved on. But my friends, it's just they have been her friends for years and years as well (we're all part of one friend group), and in their mind, "she deserves happiness and has moved on so I should too". It sucks so bad, it just feels like she got "let off the hook" and is now happy with no consequences while I'm miserable. I just hope the more time that passes the easier it will get.
melenkurion Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I just hope the more time that passes the easier it will get. It does get easier. Honestly it does. My ex of 8 years cheated with my friend and when I busted them, he ran off with him, pretty much. AFAIK they'll be properly moving in together in a couple of weeks. I can't say I don't care at all about them, but... Six months later, I care much less, the pain is much less. I think about my own life more, and theirs less. I'm nowhere near healed, but I can see now that I will be one day.
Author heartnsol Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Think of it like this. Did your blood boil when you met her? You do know that she was sexual with guys before meeting you? Were you angry at that? Most likely than not, you weren't. Why was that? Because it was her past. Guess what? She's your past. Go out with your friends. Don't go to the places you've gone with her. Meet new people, meet new women. Have relationships, have FWBs, have whatever you want. You remember when you had your first toothache? It went away. What you're experiencing is a massive toothache. It will come to pass. That's a great way to think about it. Also, I really want to meet new people, it's just a problem for me. You see, all my friends right now are so... content with their lives, they all have jobs or girlfriends/boyfriends or are always busy and don't have time to go out much. I'm trying to go to book stores/bars/etc, but it's hard solo. I guess all I can do is try to work on myself. I always hear that when you stop actively looking, that's when something finds you. It just sucks remembering how much I did with my ex, we'd always be doing stuff while now my life just feels boring.
9Lives Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I was in was in your shoes and the best way to really reallly really stop thinking about is to get back about it and say FK IT!!! There is nothing good about thinking about it. You HAVE to get to the point where you really dont give a fk about her and her damm life. It is painful and it is not worth it. Im just like f you so hard, I cant stand you and i hate what you did to me. You disgust me. d Dont try to make sense of it. It is okay to be upset and angry about it. It hurts very badly. Just dont go mess with her or anything. Just let it out that she aint worth it and you will get past it. If you want to wallow and self pity then fine. Just keep in mind you will be feeling bad for a long time and she wont!! you will feel like a cry baby and she will feel like a big winner breaking you down like cockroach!!, and it is just so stupid to keep doing that to yourself. Dont be stupid....face it, accept it....and do something that makes you feel good about you. i hate my ex right now....HATE HATE HATE!!! Sorry but I just have alot of anger right now because I treated him so good and he broke my heart like never before. One day the hate will go but right now I cant stand is ass!!!! argh!!!
DollyGirl12 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I have to agree with what everyone else is saying here. I also think that people that behave this way are not happy with themselves. Sure, they meet someone new, get all those "butterflies" but when that all wears off they are right back where they started.
Author heartnsol Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 I have to agree with what everyone else is saying here. I also think that people that behave this way are not happy with themselves. Sure, they meet someone new, get all those "butterflies" but when that all wears off they are right back where they started. I really hope you're right. I just keep having this daydream of her coming back to me and telling me that she misses me and me telling her "you don't deserve my friendship, I treated you so well and you screwed me over". I'll be taking it one day at a time, already deleted her off facebook and blocked all the posts from our mutual friends that she "likes" and comments all the time. Just keep telling myself that it's her loss and I'm worth so much more than that. Cheaters suck.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Just give yourself time,,,alot of time. Went through the same thing with my ex but in a sick way with his cheating, or attempting to cheat. It hurts alot. There are so many emotions that you go through. Anger, sadness, depression, acceptance, back to anger, and all over again. I don't know alot of people who just walk away and say "oh well, on to the next". We have to allow ourselves to go through these emotions. I found what I went through I would call "humps". A feeling or something would trigger it and I would get depressed, sad, angry, or any of those great feelings! But what I found was that every "hump" I encountered was just one more step to acceptance and moving on. I guess, because my ex was on the prowl on Craigslist (not looking for anything serious as he didn't intend on ending things with me) that I just made myself believe that he would move on quickly and find someone else. I had to make myself feel that so I could get over that "hump". Honestly, I don't know what he did and it just doesn't matter. What mattered was that after knowing what I knew, finding out things about his past and history of doing this kind of stuff, he was not someone who was long term relationship material. I wanted to be with someone that I didn't feel like I had to become a super sleuth around. I want someone I can trust and does not have a history of cheating, lying (and many lies for absolutely no reason) and so on. We all deserve to be treated with love, dignity and respect by our SO's. Just always remember that!
9Lives Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Just give yourself time,,,alot of time. Went through the same thing with my ex but in a sick way with his cheating, or attempting to cheat. It hurts alot. There are so many emotions that you go through. Anger, sadness, depression, acceptance, back to anger, and all over again. I don't know alot of people who just walk away and say "oh well, on to the next". We have to allow ourselves to go through these emotions. I found what I went through I would call "humps". A feeling or something would trigger it and I would get depressed, sad, angry, or any of those great feelings! But what I found was that every "hump" I encountered was just one more step to acceptance and moving on. I guess, because my ex was on the prowl on Craigslist (not looking for anything serious as he didn't intend on ending things with me) that I just made myself believe that he would move on quickly and find someone else. I had to make myself feel that so I could get over that "hump". Honestly, I don't know what he did and it just doesn't matter. What mattered was that after knowing what I knew, finding out things about his past and history of doing this kind of stuff, he was not someone who was long term relationship material. I wanted to be with someone that I didn't feel like I had to become a super sleuth around. I want someone I can trust and does not have a history of cheating, lying (and many lies for absolutely no reason) and so on. We all deserve to be treated with love, dignity and respect by our SO's. Just always remember that! Nicely put... I love the hump analogy cause it is very accurate. We want a straight line to healing but the truth is that it is up and down alot until you are done. Natural healing process...thats all
Author heartnsol Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Haha yep, it's definitely a rollercoaster. However, the good news is that the "peaks" are starting to at least be as common as the "valleys". The past few months I've been feeling very down with only sporadic moments of peace of mind, but lately I've been feeling a lot better and thinking about the two of them less. I know some people won't condone it, but building up intense feelings of dislike towards my ex has been very therapeutic, and I've definitely knocked her off the pedestal somewhat.
smudge21 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 The pain comes and goes. I can be feeling fine, mind not thinking about my ex at all, then suddenly something will trigger it and I'll be pondering the past, thinking about what she's doing.. wanting her back! It sucks but it's the same for everyone so you're never alone.
radiodarcy Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 i'm in a similar situation. my ex didnt cheat but almost immediately after he dumped me he started dating to find "the one" (insert knife in gut here :(:() i made matters worse and allowed myself to be friendzoned (we had been friends for years before anything happened). what a mistake that was - - he started forwarding me dating profiles of the women who hit him up and letting me know whenever he had a date lined up and how it went. needless to say i didn't put up with it for long and went strict NC after that. it's been five weeks. and while i feel much better i still feel those twinges of jealousy pop up from time to time. wondering who he's with and what they're doing. but i find that the anxiety over those thoughts seems to dissipate overtime. i don't try to push them out of my mind - - but i don't allow myself to dwell on them either. i just recognize that they're normal feelings to have allow them to wash over me and then i move on. i'm just so tired of worrying about all that stuff that i'm over it. now - - if i were ever see them together that would be another story. but thankfully the chances of that are very slim -- we live in two different towns and while we have mutual friends, i don't really keep in touch with them anymore.
Author heartnsol Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Yeah, it's hard thinking about how your friend of so many years, who you ended up sharing an intimate relationship with, could just move on so quickly. It's blows my mind. But I guess people are different, it sucks that I lost my best friend of so many years but that is life and you eventually move on.
radiodarcy Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Yeah, it's hard thinking about how your friend of so many years, who you ended up sharing an intimate relationship with, could just move on so quickly. It's blows my mind. But I guess people are different, it sucks that I lost my best friend of so many years but that is life and you eventually move on. definitely! he and i had been friends and co-workers for years. i thought i would be "safe" with him and that i wouldn't get hurt. to make matters worse he was my first "everything". i think he tried to friendzone me b/c he didnt want to lose the friendship anymore than i did. but unfortunately too much has happened for things to be like they were before. maybe they can be later on. but that's months, possibly even years from now...
Author heartnsol Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 definitely! he and i had been friends and co-workers for years. i thought i would be "safe" with him and that i wouldn't get hurt. to make matters worse he was my first "everything". i think he tried to friendzone me b/c he didnt want to lose the friendship anymore than i did. but unfortunately too much has happened for things to be like they were before. maybe they can be later on. but that's months, possibly even years from now... Did you two have a lot of mutual friends, and if so how did they react? It sucks for me because almost all of our friends were mutual, we introduced our two respective friend groups and made one giant one so now it's a very... weird and awkward time period. And her new guy is getting introduced to everyone and it's just gut-wrenching for me, but I'm doing my best to not think about it.
9Lives Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Did you two have a lot of mutual friends, and if so how did they react? It sucks for me because almost all of our friends were mutual, we introduced our two respective friend groups and made one giant one so now it's a very... weird and awkward time period. And her new guy is getting introduced to everyone and it's just gut-wrenching for me, but I'm doing my best to not think about it. I went thru the exact same thing. Exact and I keep trying to tell you that you are not mentally taking the right stand. Look.... if that BROAD is bad enough to bring another man in front you and your friends you need to switch mental gears and stop feeling all sorry for yourself and say fudge her. You need to feel that. Stop all this feelie touchie fluffy stuff. She got your world all flipped up side down and you over her crying like a girl. go do some damm push up or something....grab your nuts... and get your ass back out there and FORGET HER. If she can do it...surely you can. Dam!!!! Go get back out here and meet someone who really respects you. She a b....
Author heartnsol Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I went thru the exact same thing. Exact and I keep trying to tell you that you are not mentally taking the right stand. Look.... if that BROAD is bad enough to bring another man in front you and your friends you need to switch mental gears and stop feeling all sorry for yourself and say fudge her. You need to feel that. Stop all this feelie touchie fluffy stuff. She got your world all flipped up side down and you over her crying like a girl. go do some damm push up or something....grab your nuts... and get your ass back out there and FORGET HER. If she can do it...surely you can. Dam!!!! Go get back out here and meet someone who really respects you. She a b.... Haha, okay okay dude, I get it. Trust me, my hatred for her is at an all time high right now. For a while I was all "okay well we can at least fall back on the friendship we had, I KNOW she's a good person, etc" but lately I've been feeling nothing but hatred towards her, and it's helped a bunch. It just sucks that it wasn't a random girl but a great friend is all I'm saying, it's kind've hard to cut her out completely since we share all the same friends. But eff that b, I hate her so much.
9Lives Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Haha, okay okay dude, I get it. Trust me, my hatred for her is at an all time high right now. For a while I was all "okay well we can at least fall back on the friendship we had, I KNOW she's a good person, etc" but lately I've been feeling nothing but hatred towards her, and it's helped a bunch. It just sucks that it wasn't a random girl but a great friend is all I'm saying, it's kind've hard to cut her out completely since we share all the same friends. But eff that b, I hate her so much. Great friend? Really Heart!!! And she did this!!! Great friends dont fk you in the ass okay. You need to get your mind right. I mean, good person to who? You? How wonderful. Show her you dont give a fk! It just one damm girl anyway. You win some you lose some. You too damm attached to someone who is not even thinking about you and sleep with another man and showing you who he is what a great girl!! Wow
Author heartnsol Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Great friend? Really Heart!!! And she did this!!! Great friends dont fk you in the ass okay. You need to get your mind right. I mean, good person to who? You? How wonderful. Show her you dont give a fk! It just one damm girl anyway. You win some you lose some. You too damm attached to someone who is not even thinking about you and sleep with another man and showing you who he is what a great girl!! Wow Uhh, she was a great friend. Key word being "was". For several years. But for one reason or another, she slowly turned into a stupid bitch. And I recognize that. I am completely moving on.
9Lives Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Uhh, she was a great friend. Key word being "was". For several years. But for one reason or another, she slowly turned into a stupid bitch. And I recognize that. I am completely moving on. And dont look back! It would be pointless at this time. love is not possible here. Be strong, be bold, be a man!!! just fk it!!! all of it!!!
radiodarcy Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Did you two have a lot of mutual friends, and if so how did they react? It sucks for me because almost all of our friends were mutual, we introduced our two respective friend groups and made one giant one so now it's a very... weird and awkward time period. And her new guy is getting introduced to everyone and it's just gut-wrenching for me, but I'm doing my best to not think about it. when we worked together we had quite a few who were also fellow co-workers. but a few years ago the company we worked for went bankrupt and everyone went their separate ways. so i really haven't spoken to any of our mutual friends in a while. i doubt they'd be surprised. they knew this guy well enough to warn me to be careful with him. he's got major commitment issues. and like an idiot, i didn't listen in all honesty what he and i had wasn't a relationship but a fwb situation. nevertheless i fell for him and as far as i knew he wasn't having sex with anyone else. he also made it a point to contact me just about every day. so between that and us being intimate it certainly felt like a relationship but it wasn't. i was sort of forced to go NC when he finally ended the benefits but wanted to stay friends. but as i mentioned before, that just wasn't working out for me so i split. i can see how the situation with her introducing her new flame to her mutual friends would indeed be gut wrenching. i hope your mutual friends aren't telling you anything about her and this new guy. that would just be rubbing salt in the wound. and if they are tell 'em to shut it . in all fairness i'm sure it's awkward for the mutual friends too. but it's even worse for you when you're trying to heal. especially when you're trying to fight those icky images you have of them together. i had a relapse of my own this weekend. wound up moping about and doing nothing but thinking about him and whoever his new flame might be. it was awful - - i couldn't seem to climb out of my own head. i was actually grateful to have to go to work this morning! now how sad it that?
Author heartnsol Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 when we worked together we had quite a few who were also fellow co-workers. but a few years ago the company we worked for went bankrupt and everyone went their separate ways. so i really haven't spoken to any of our mutual friends in a while. i doubt they'd be surprised. they knew this guy well enough to warn me to be careful with him. he's got major commitment issues. and like an idiot, i didn't listen in all honesty what he and i had wasn't a relationship but a fwb situation. nevertheless i fell for him and as far as i knew he wasn't having sex with anyone else. he also made it a point to contact me just about every day. so between that and us being intimate it certainly felt like a relationship but it wasn't. i was sort of forced to go NC when he finally ended the benefits but wanted to stay friends. but as i mentioned before, that just wasn't working out for me so i split. i can see how the situation with her introducing her new flame to her mutual friends would indeed be gut wrenching. i hope your mutual friends aren't telling you anything about her and this new guy. that would just be rubbing salt in the wound. and if they are tell 'em to shut it . in all fairness i'm sure it's awkward for the mutual friends too. but it's even worse for you when you're trying to heal. especially when you're trying to fight those icky images you have of them together. i had a relapse of my own this weekend. wound up moping about and doing nothing but thinking about him and whoever his new flame might be. it was awful - - i couldn't seem to climb out of my own head. i was actually grateful to have to go to work this morning! now how sad it that? I hate those relapse moments, though the fact that it's a "relapse" and not a perpetual state of mind is good! You ARE moving on, it's only natural to wonder, but you are healing. Time heals all wounds and you will be fine sooner than later!
radiodarcy Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I hate those relapse moments, though the fact that it's a "relapse" and not a perpetual state of mind is good! You ARE moving on, it's only natural to wonder, but you are healing. Time heals all wounds and you will be fine sooner than later! thanks heartnsol! yeah - - your right. it's normal to wonder. i just get so frustrated because i have allowed this guy to occupy way more of my brain capacity than i should have. but relapses are all part of the recovery process. i'm just glad i didn't contact him! and you too will heal as well. just keep posting here and find other things to focus on. it really does help!
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