Exit Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) Just got home from saying goodbye to a girl who I thought I could marry. Things have been on and off for about a month now. We supposedly broke up (her choice), but we still saw each other, still talked about maybe working it out, but the awkward hangouts and the inability to define what our relationship is right now became too stressful. Just this weekend was Friday - saying it was over, Saturday - texting her to hurry up and give me some of my stuff back, Sunday - hanging out, going for a walk, being affectionate. Too much of a rollercoaster. I'm already familiar with the struggle that is NC. Two years ago I was on this forum missing someone who I really cared for, and for a ridiculous 5 months I tried to get her back while everyone told me to just leave it alone. We, of course, don't speak at all now, and probably never will again. So with this girl, I did all the wrong things again initially, but I got a bit of a second chance to do it right. I probably should have disappeared from the very beginning, but we all know the excuses, "I want her to know that I care", "I think we can make it work", etc. Ultimately it was just leading towards an ugly breakup and probably never speaking again. So today we talked, we hugged, we cried, and we said goodbye one more time. We both agreed to possibly hanging out some day in the future to see where we're at and if we can try again. As much pain as I'm in, I know many people aren't even lucky enough to have it end that cleanly, I've been there before too. It could have ended this weekend with my belongings being dumped on my doorstep and ignoring each other for the rest of eternity, so today was kind of a blessing, albeit a painful one. So the struggle now is just to leave her alone. Of course 2 minutes after coming home I'm already fighting the urge to say something to her, feeling like I didn't get answers to some of the things I needed. Already experiencing various emotions -- ranging from being hopeful for the future, to being negative and telling myself this is likely over for good and I'm being a fool. I'm sure some of the strict "it's over, NC!" crowd would even consider the potential future meet-up to be more of a curse than a blessing. I'll do my best to consider it nothing more than a possibility. Of course the downside is probably feeling my heart race every time I get a text message until then, but the alternative would be to have said goodbye forever, and that wouldn't feel great either. It wasn't some manipulative thing on her behalf to keep me on a string, it was a mutual decision that we would at least talk again some time. It is what it is. Did I do everything right? Probably not. But I didn't want to keep seeing her and pretending that it was okay, and I didn't want to lose her forever, so I did my best to settle somewhere in the middle. Now the struggle begins to leave her alone. We said goodbye, and we said it wouldn't be forever. It hurt so bad yet in a way it was perfect. Edited April 13, 2011 by Exit
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