theodora Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Me and my bf have been together 7 months. Here are the cold hard facts because I can't tell people I know. Since I started seeing him I've given him the equivalent in my country of $11,000. I also provide him with a mobile phone, which has limited minutes. Every month he goes over the minutes, and one time the phone bill was $300. He says he feels bad about this, but at the same time he is unemployed and all he is doing to get a job is clicking on things online. I've made him a CV and offered to help him, but while he always says 'yes, lets do that' we never actually do because he doesn't initiate it. I could probably tolerate all of this, if it wasn't for the fact that he is getting increasingly abusive towards me. He's threatened to smash my house up a few times now, he says things like 'you really know how to wind me up' and 'i wanted to slap you'. The other day he threatened to put me in casualty. I never actually FEEL scared of him, but i am aware that this behaviour is unacceptable. I just feel so sad that it's got to this point, that I've let it get here. The thing is in the beginning it was so amazing. He was loving and attentive, he told me he loved me, he called me all the time, he made me dinner, bought me flowers, it was like a dream. I cant' believe how text book this is. I know he is depressed and he has his issues and i try so hard to understand them, but it's got to the point where I know they can't carry on as they are. I just feel so sad that i've ****ed up another 7 months of my life getting attached to a man who i now have to get over. I feel like such a failure, like I can't get a man to respect me or treat me like i'm worth something. All the warning signs were here, but i chose not to read them. And I just don't know if I've even got the strength now. I told him today that it won't wash anymore, and that I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the week. That he needs to think about what he wants and get back to me when he's worked out if he can treat me properly or not. He said ok. He apologised. He said it wasn't good enough. I guess I was secretly hoping that this kick up the arse would make him understand that he's going to lose me, that he might do something to try and get me back. But the truth is, he probably feels relieved. I just feel so sucked in. Like he offered me the world, and then almost as soon as I started to believe him (I'm naturally very cautious, and for a while he was much more intense than me) he just switched it all off. He doesnt' kiss me, we don't make love, I plead with him for more affection, but I don't get it. Why did this happen? I've been so careful for so long. I haven't given anyone my heart, for real, for years. And then WHAM. Soon as I did it....it's getting broken all over again. I just feel like the only way to make a man love you is to not love him. As soon as you love him, he treats you like you're worthless. I said something the other day, and he said 'lie down and shut your ****ing mouth' and i thought, my god. How did I get to THIS PLACE? IS THIS WHO I AM? IS THIS ALL I'M GOOD FOR? I just feel so sad.
Lil1 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Theodora, please please please do yourself a big huge favor and get away from this abusive inconsiderate waste of a human! No one should ever treat you this way. He is very undeserving of you There are many good men out there wo will take care of you and love you the right way. Please don't waste any more of your precious life with this abusive jerk. We are here for your support if you need to vent or whatever it is you need to get over this terrible relationship. Go NC immediately and take care of yourself, think of all the things you could have done with all the time and money youve invested in him, you could be in a much better place now!
elaina Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I just feel like the only way to make a man love you is to not love him. As soon as you love him, he treats you like you're worthless. The above is not correct. A man who is truly a wonderful man NEVER EVER treats his girlfriend/wife like she is worthless!!! That is so important to know. I said something the other day, and he said 'lie down and shut your ****ing mouth' and i thought, my god. How did I get to THIS PLACE? IS THIS WHO I AM? IS THIS ALL I'M GOOD FOR? I just feel so sad.He doesn't respect women. He doesn't respect you. He is verbally abusing you and threatening physically abuse (threatening to destroy your house is also abuse) and you need to leave him and never look back. DO NOT LET ANYBODY TREAT YOU LIKE THIS. YOU ARE WORTH RESPECT. Leave him please for your own wellbeing.
Pfiend101 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 how do guys like this ever get a girlfriend? Someone please answer this for me. Leave him... hes a loser.
rocketboy9 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 He is no good to you and his bad behavior is escalating. At some point he is going to really hurt you physically and you are going to end up in the hospital. Get rid of him now before something bad really happens to him. No person woman or man should put up with this kind of behavior. And that means you.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 how do guys like this ever get a girlfriend? Someone please answer this for me. Leave him... hes a loser. Because they act nice at first, just like how crazy and horrible women can get boyfriend. They know how to act at first, but eventually people's real colors show when someone is already too deep into the relationship therefore making it really hard to leave.
musemaj11 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Everywhere in the world men are being used for money by women. So something must be very wrong with you if you are a woman who gets used for money by a man.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Every side has two stories, and there seem to be a lot of missing pieces to this one.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Send him packing and hold your stance that way!!! (getting to the plate for another at-bat <with a new guy, in your future> is all that matters)
Author theodora Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Hi everyone who responded and thanks so much for your comments. THought i'd better update, because the comments really helped me be strong. I didn't do it straight away, but I have now broken up with this man. I have spent five days crying, but i logged back in here to remind myself of why i had done it. And it's good, this place, where I can be so honest about what it was like. Because the truth is of course - to the person who said there are 2 sides - it is true! Not only 2 actually, many more. More of the sides were that he could also be wonderful. That he made me feel loved, and secure, sometimes. And that I am a person who sometimes feels powerless, and so to an extent being in a relationship where i held the financial reigns made me feel less scared. However it's also true that there's never an excuse for threatening a person, and even if you don't mean it, you need to learn to control those parts of yourself. I had to in the end consider that I wasn't helping either of us by allowing him to be like that - because most people won't put up with it. I believe in equality between men and women. Which is why I never expected him to provide for me financially. But equality means not using your physical dominance to assert yourself over someone. Shouting, making threats, these things make relationships unequal. And i want to be equal with someone. No amount of love can make up for the lack of it Sorry this post is quite boring really but I just wanted to tell the end of the story, because I feel like my absence from the thread probably told a more depressing scenario that I'd decided to forgive him. Well - I have forgiven him. But I have chosen as a result of it not to stay with him. I am worth more than the relationship I outlined above. Everyone is. He is too, but that's his path. All I can do is tread my own. So.....in short......thanks guys!!!!
alethean Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I'm glad you left him, and I wish you the best of luck for the future. Hoping you find a guy who treats you well.
Sivok Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Great job, theodora. I know it wasn't easy . The only advice I can give is do not ignore the red flags! Don't date a jobless guy who gets through life by taking advantage of woman, and observe closely how he interacts with others
NoMagicBullet Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I'm so glad you left him. It will take time, but eventually you'll feel better about yourself and your possibilities in finding someone else. It may feel like you wasted 7 months, but look at it this way -- it was only 7 months, not years. You wanted to believe he was the wonderful person he sometimes could be and give things a chance, but he wasn't that wonderful person and you're out now. Good for you, and good luck in the future!
Nexus One Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 (edited) In the future, never ever give a man money or gifts like a mobile phone or pay his bills. In fact, he should pay you back, but I wouldn't count on getting that money back. Know this about men. Most men have a deeply engraved instinct to provide for their loved ones. It's so deep in fact that it's intertwined with emotion. A man that fails to provide for his loved ones will feel like absolute sh*t. So there's something off about men that do not posses this quality/attitude, it should be a red flag for women, such men often have issues they need to deal with first and you as a woman cannot repair those issues and fix him. However it's also why I can't stand it when certain women press on their boyfriend/husband to do even more when he's already providing more than enough. I've seen women exploit that ancient instinct in men to squeeze more money out of him to buy something insignificant. It infuriates me, because it's playing into that gut instinct emotion of men to provide for their loved ones. It's so deep that during the 1930s tens of thousands of men committed suicide when they weren't able to find jobs. So it's a heavy emotion and it shouldn't be exploited by women to get themselves the latest Prada bag. Edited April 28, 2011 by Nexus One
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