Im slowly destroying my LDR relationship and myself

[downinthedumps]

I am in a LDR and have a really bad time struggling with insecurities and suspicions and its destroying me and our relationship.

 

We see each each other very weekend. He recently accepted a job promoting events at a night club which he knew I wasnt comfortable with and later on took it anyway because they offered him a lot of money on the spot and he saw it for us to get ahead. We had big fights over the last couple of weekends about him doing this, he apologised a lot and said he made a mistake.

 

In the mean time since hes started this job he is meeting new people and making lots of friends (including pretty single females) and im just really really struggling and worried he will find someone better than me and leave me.

 

He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me 2 - 3 times a day, talks about the future, us getting married, he knows what he wants, he would never cheat or do anything to wreck us .. but I just cant get it through my head and believe him and let go of my fears.

 

Hes been very patient with me and said I had a year to stop these thoughts and being silly (we have now been together 10 months) but hes starting to get fed up.

 

What can I do to stop feeling this way, im not looking after myself, not sleeping and am very run down, Im afraid to talk to him when im like this because it will ruin us more and I want to undo the damage and push him in to the arms of someone else.

 

Help

[WorldIsYours]

I am in a LDR and have a really bad time struggling with insecurities and suspicions and its destroying me and our relationship.

 

We see each each other very weekend. He recently accepted a job promoting events at a night club which he knew I wasnt comfortable with and later on took it anyway because they offered him a lot of money on the spot and he saw it for us to get ahead. We had big fights over the last couple of weekends about him doing this, he apologised a lot and said he made a mistake.

 

In the mean time since hes started this job he is meeting new people and making lots of friends (including pretty single females) and im just really really struggling and worried he will find someone better than me and leave me.

 

He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me 2 - 3 times a day, talks about the future, us getting married, he knows what he wants, he would never cheat or do anything to wreck us .. but I just cant get it through my head and believe him and let go of my fears.

 

Hes been very patient with me and said I had a year to stop these thoughts and being silly (we have now been together 10 months) but hes starting to get fed up.

 

What can I do to stop feeling this way, im not looking after myself, not sleeping and am very run down, Im afraid to talk to him when im like this because it will ruin us more and I want to undo the damage and push him in to the arms of someone else.

 

Help

 

Just relax for now. If he starts showing signs he's cheating then you snoop or whatever, but if you keep pressuring this guy, he may actually leave you. It seems from what he told you he's trying to be patient but you're not willing to give him a chance. I mean the guy does have to make a living, and he should not be forced to choose between you and his job opportunities.

[spice4life]

Hi there, welcome to the forums.

 

I have been reading up on this stuff and one article suggests putting yourself on pause when you start to have these thoughts and work to bring yourself back into the current moment. Now if I only could follow my own advice! Just kidding.

 

The best thing you can do is what I suggested above and watch his actions. If he is going out of his way to show you there are no worries then you are okay. Plus, and I cannot stress this enough, please sit him down and talk to him about what types of actions make you feel this way. This will help him to understand how to make you feel more comfortable. Give him some time though, to digest all of it, and let him do some homework so he truly knows how you feel. He may not understand right away about how his actions may have been effecting you, so try to be as patient as possible. If he really cares he will do the work he needs to do to show you that he has no intentions on hurting you and respects who you are. Put it out there and see what he does. If he shows you he is really trying, then give him space to fully understand it. Let him know that telling you, "I'm here for you" will help too.

 

Good luck!

[hoping2heal]

I am glad you have at least realized your behavior will push him away and disinigrate things if you can't get a hold on it. You will suffocate the relationship and become a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Are these insecurities new for you? Did you feel secure in the relationship up until he took the job?

[TokyoG33kyGal]

He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me 2 - 3 times a day, talks about the future, us getting married, he knows what he wants, he would never cheat or do anything to wreck us ..

 

concentrate on this when you feel like you are self-sabotaging

[downinthedumps]

Thanks for your replies, yes I have been a bit insecure through the whole relationship not that hes done anything though. its has got really bad since he took this job. He has a lot of female friends which ive accepted I just feel really uncomfortable him making new female friends.

 

He has just added one single girl to his social networking site that he and his friends have been associating with at the bar she works at and im petrified its going to turn in to something more.

 

I told him that I dont want to be involved in the bar scene for this very reason and that I felt uncomfortable that he would have lots of girls hitting on him and that if hes spending lots of time there when im not there and hanging out with girls alot then thats when things happen.

 

He said that was crazy, I need to trust him, he can have female friends and he's not going to do anything to wreck us and if he didnt want a girlfriend or to be with me then he wouldnt .. which im petrified will happen.

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for your replies, yes I have been a bit insecure through the whole relationship not that hes done anything though. its has got really bad since he took this job. He has a lot of female friends which ive accepted I just feel really uncomfortable him making new female friends.

 

He has just added one single girl to his social networking site that he and his friends have been associating with at the bar she works at and im petrified its going to turn in to something more.

 

I told him that I dont want to be involved in the bar scene for this very reason and that I felt uncomfortable that he would have lots of girls hitting on him and that if hes spending lots of time there when im not there and hanging out with girls alot then thats when things happen.

 

He said that was crazy, I need to trust him, he can have female friends and he's not going to do anything to wreck us and if he didnt want a girlfriend or to be with me then he wouldnt .. which im petrified will happen.

 

It sounds like you have some issues with both your self esteem and trust. When he took this job, it was almost like it gave a tangible "face" to all of the thoughts and feelings you have anyway.

 

Do you know where these issues stem from? While it's true that things can and do happen in an environment like you described, the reality is those things can happen anywhere, under any situation, and in any environment. The difference is not the "venue" or "environment" it is the person.

 

A person who is faithful and trustworthy is not going to cave just because there is temptation. There will always be other attractive women in the world, some with less than good intentions that is why you have to trust your partner. You cannot control another person or what they are going to do. I get the impression you think if he quits this job that is going to keep him "safe" from going to another relationship. It isn't. If your man is going to cheat, if he is going to leave, he is going to do it whether he works out of his office at home, where you can see him 16 hours a day just as he will do it there.

 

On the other hand, you don't need to suffocate this relationship to the point he leaves, just so you can sit back and tell yourself "he never really cared" and you were right not to trust him. That seems to be where you are going.

 

Have you considered some personal counselling to address the root of these issues you have with self-esteem and trust?

[downinthedumps]

Thank you so much, you are being so helpful and it really means a lot. I dont have a lot of friends that I can talk to.

 

Yes your so right and yes I do have very low self esteem as well as trust issues. I think its probably just my issues making me feel this way, my boyfriend is a very good person and has been so great trying to help me through this.. although im still worried about this girl.

 

I have put my life on hold and its all been focused on him and our relationship too so have lost my balance which is hard being in a LDR and only have the weekends to see each other, we are really tired and run down because of all the miles we are doing but we have to do it to keep it going. He still has his balance and living a normal life, making friends, playing sport etc and I feel a bit left behind and forgotten too I guess. He told me has to keep going or he will get depressed about our situation because it hurts him too.

 

I am meant to be moving to his city as soon as I get a job, I just hope he still wants that, he hasnt been as talkative about it the last couple of days but still talks about the future. Ive been a bit down about the rejections on that too.

 

It could stem back as far as being abandoned by my birth father and his family and my last boyfriend was particularly controlling and jealous and doing things behind my back with his ex even though he swore he wasnt, it even went as far as a restraining order for him kidnapping me in his car. That totally destroyed every ounce of me. I guess thats where my self fulfilling prophecy issue became more of a problem, because I knew it was happening behind my back and later turned out to be true.

 

I have made an appointment with the Dr tomorrow to get a councelling referral and a hair appointment and going clothes shopping to try and pick myself up start building a bit of confidence. I need to make some new friends too and I just dont know where to start on that as all my current ones have young children and are spread out. I am going to start catching up with some old friends to to make myself feel better, i just dont know where else to start.

 

Im totally at rock bottom at the moment, but im not showing it to my boyfriend because I need to quietly start making me better and will only cause more doubt because of drama I think.. and I hope!!

[hoping2heal]

Thank you so much, you are being so helpful and it really means a lot. I dont have a lot of friends that I can talk to.

 

Yes your so right and yes I do have very low self esteem as well as trust issues. I think its probably just my issues making me feel this way, my boyfriend is a very good person and has been so great trying to help me through this.. although im still worried about this girl.

 

I have put my life on hold and its all been focused on him and our relationship too so have lost my balance which is hard being in a LDR and only have the weekends to see each other, we are really tired and run down because of all the miles we are doing but we have to do it to keep it going. He still has his balance and living a normal life, making friends, playing sport etc and I feel a bit left behind and forgotten too I guess. He told me has to keep going or he will get depressed about our situation because it hurts him too.

 

I am meant to be moving to his city as soon as I get a job, I just hope he still wants that, he hasnt been as talkative about it the last couple of days but still talks about the future. Ive been a bit down about the rejections on that too.

 

It could stem back as far as being abandoned by my birth father and his family and my last boyfriend was particularly controlling and jealous and doing things behind my back with his ex even though he swore he wasnt, it even went as far as a restraining order for him kidnapping me in his car. That totally destroyed every ounce of me. I guess thats where my self fulfilling prophecy issue became more of a problem, because I knew it was happening behind my back and later turned out to be true.

 

I have made an appointment with the Dr tomorrow to get a councelling referral and a hair appointment and going clothes shopping to try and pick myself up start building a bit of confidence. I need to make some new friends too and I just dont know where to start on that as all my current ones have young children and are spread out. I am going to start catching up with some old friends to to make myself feel better, i just dont know where else to start.

 

Im totally at rock bottom at the moment, but im not showing it to my boyfriend because I need to quietly start making me better and will only cause more doubt because of drama I think.. and I hope!!

 

There are a lot of things to address here so please bear with me that this will be a fairly lengthy post.

 

You have had your trust violated and some pretty awful ways. While you need to heal; I want you to understand that the way you are reacting to this is normal. You are not defective because of those things and your behavior does not make you "damaged goods". Your behavior will ultimately cause you a lot of pain if it is not corrected, but it's perfectly normal to have these issues after your trust has been severely violated.

 

When our sense of trust has been shattered, it is like someone puts a blindfold on us in a dark room and tells us "Go pick up the blue ball and toss it in the red bin." We feel disoriented and it's hard to know the difference between our gut feelings telling us something, and our fear. When we choose friends or relationships where we are hurt and trust is violated, it causes us to lose the ability to trust ourselves and our own judgement. Again, we are left trying to figure out whether those nagging feelings of doubt are something legitimate (like intuition) or just our fear?

 

It is also common to self sabotage when we have trust issues. It doesn't make sense that people would not violate us, and when they don't we wonder why and we begin doing things to push them away our foil our relationships..then the person leaves and we feel abandoned again. It's a really nasty cycle.

 

Your BF needs to understand (and he may) why you are acting the way you are. You need to get some help so you can heal but it's important you make your therapist your therapist, not your BF. Share with him important things but don't put him in the position to carry the brunt of the load, that is something you need to accountable and do for yourself - and believe me you will feel so much more confident in the end having done so.

 

As for your BF - He has it exactly right. He is getting on with life because he would implode if he did not. He is self aware enough to understand that if he did not also focus on work and having a life outside of the relationship, he would crumble and things would go downhill very fast. You should take it as a big compliment that he does these things - because he is doing what he can to make sure you two work out.

 

You need to do the same. Even in a close proximity relationship people still need their own identity and their space. Again, you need to pick yourself up and start discovering some things for you. Don't look at it as leaving your BF behind, because that is not what it is at all. Start making your life what you want it to be excluding the relationship. That is important to you but what else? You can have both.

[downinthedumps]

You are dead right and thats exactly how it feels. 95% of the time I feel so stupid for bringing these things up and feeling like this with my boyfriend because afterwards it usually totally unfounded and then I get more upset at myself.

 

I have told him what had happened with the ex and how it totally destroyed me and thats why I think hes been so understanding .. I know that can only last so long for his sake. I try my best not to let it show or talk to him about it but boy its hard sometimes. I tend to stew on things, blow it out of proportion and get all these stupid ideas and scenarios in my head and he just looks at me with a blank face and asks where that came from.

 

He has been encouraging me to get out and do things because he recognised it was making things a lot harder than it needs to be with the distance until we can be together.

 

All I want is to be happy and confident again and be with him.

 

You have been so so great, thank you so very much, I feel a lot better now.

Im looking forward to getting in for some counselling and getting myself right, thanks again.

[hoping2heal]

You are dead right and thats exactly how it feels. 95% of the time I feel so stupid for bringing these things up and feeling like this with my boyfriend because afterwards it usually totally unfounded and then I get more upset at myself.

 

I have told him what had happened with the ex and how it totally destroyed me and thats why I think hes been so understanding .. I know that can only last so long for his sake. I try my best not to let it show or talk to him about it but boy its hard sometimes. I tend to stew on things, blow it out of proportion and get all these stupid ideas and scenarios in my head and he just looks at me with a blank face and asks where that came from.

 

He has been encouraging me to get out and do things because he recognised it was making things a lot harder than it needs to be with the distance until we can be together.

 

All I want is to be happy and confident again and be with him.

 

You have been so so great, thank you so very much, I feel a lot better now.

Im looking forward to getting in for some counselling and getting myself right, thanks again.

 

I am glad I could be helpful. Get someone you can connect with and open up to for counselling. Work on improving you and without noticing, the rest will follow. You will get confidence back, you will start feeling good about yourself and you will learn how to deal with some of the trust issues. You are right that he can only be understanding for so long before he will get crushed by the tension of pressure if some things do not start to change. You are not at a breaking point yet, and it is better to recognize this now, before the relationship is broken as a result.

 

Good luck to you!

[downinthedumps]

Thanks, youve made me feel a bit teary with relief

 

I will get professional counselling, I have been burdening my friends and family too much with this and all the time so feel really bad so need to do this for me. They are worried sick and probably getting fed up.

 

Im glad to say I have a glimmer of excitment of getting back on track already

[hoping2heal]

Thanks, youve made me feel a bit teary with relief

 

I will get professional counselling, I have been burdening my friends and family too much with this and all the time so feel really bad so need to do this for me. They are worried sick and probably getting fed up.

 

Im glad to say I have a glimmer of excitment of getting back on track already

 

I am glad! Getting counselling for these things is an important investment in yourself. Being strong does not mean you can go through these traumatic things and not be affected. Whether a person shows it or not, if they have been through trauma they have been affected. Being strong is about getting through what you can on your own, and getting the tools to help you get through and overcome what you cannot understand by yourself. There is no shame in it. It is far better to get help and healing from trauma than it is to bury it within yourself and implode little by little through the years. Not all counselors will connect with you. Do not feel afraid to turn one away and look for another one. This is YOUR healing experience so do not settle for less than satisfaction on your end but there are great ones out there.

 

 

 

You are only human and we all make mistakes whether we show it or not, whether other people know about them or not. We often absorb so much guilt for those mistakes but it is really only human, just normal. We do the best we can with the information and understanding we are given at the time and if we are lucky then we are humble enough to know how to learn from them and be open to that. Do not beat yourself up too much for some of your past decisions. You can still be the person you want to be and those past mistakes cannot hold you back from that so long as you insist on moving forward with your life and your healing.