somedude81 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I haven't had any real contact with the object of my obsession since the middle of December. I've seen her on campus a total of three times this semester. One of those times I could have talked to her but it was too soon and the other two I was on the bus and saw her walking. A few weeks ago we emailed back and forth a couple of times and I added her on Facebook but she stopped replying to me. I don't know if she's just ignoring me or not going online since she hasn't done any FB stuff in about week. But getting back to the point. It seems really odd to me that I'm still completely stuck on her. I was infatuated with her most of last year and spent a lot of time with her. But now that I don't see her any more, I should be over her, right? Instead I think about her everyday and occasionally log into FB just to see her profile picture. De-friending her wouldn't help as I would just search for her. I deleted her number from my phone when we stopped talking, but I can still get in touch with her if I really wanted to. But that doesn't feel right. Part of me wishes that we would randomly meet up, I'd give her a hug and we would continue on like she never turned me down Sadly things are not going well with other girls. There are a few that I'm interested in. But the odds of anything happening is very low. And none of them seem to mesh with me as well as she did.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I know how that can be. It's hard to find someone who's really interesting in more than just a physical way.
Author somedude81 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I know how that can be. It's hard to find someone who's really interesting in more than just a physical way. And that's probably why I'm still stuck on her. We got along so well and liked almost all of the same things. Her being any anime/gamer girl really helped.
thatdog Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I think complete breaking of contact really helps, but you never properly get over someone until someone else comes along. I carried a torch for one girl for about 3 years just because it took that long for me to meet another girl that i was remotely serious about. then dated that girl for a few months and when we broke up I thought about her instead when I got lonely up to the point i met my current gf.
HappyPanda Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I agree with Thatdog in that it sometimes takes another person to think about in order to STOP thinking about the last heartbreak. Im a little unsure of whether or not you were in a realtionship with this gal, or if you just had a thing for her, and she didnt feel the same way... Either way, I feel as though as time goes on, people tend to put the person who hurt them up on a pedestal. ALl the reasons why the realtionship didnt work out, and the problems that were present seem to go by the wayside, leaving the object of your affection to seem like this unattainable goal. Its damaging to the ego when someone dumps or rejects you, and it leads you to ask yourself what you could have done differently to appease them... therefore putting them in a place of power over you, emotionally.
Lilmisus Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I think complete breaking of contact really helps, but you never properly get over someone until someone else comes along. I carried a torch for one girl for about 3 years just because it took that long for me to meet another girl that i was remotely serious about. then dated that girl for a few months and when we broke up I thought about her instead when I got lonely up to the point i met my current gf. I agree to an extent, but not completely. It depends on how serious you were with the person, really, and how focused you were on them. I loved someone very much in high school, and it took about a year to fully get over him, but no one else came along that I was interested in to focus my attention on for a few years after we ended. Even when he started dating others, it didn't sting (plus he told me all about them) or make me want him back. I still loved and cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him any more, and realized it and that he was better suited for the others. I think it's all about taking them off the pedestal and being able to see their flaws and good qualities equally.
Author somedude81 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I think complete breaking of contact really helps, but you never properly get over someone until someone else comes along. I carried a torch for one girl for about 3 years just because it took that long for me to meet another girl that i was remotely serious about. then dated that girl for a few months and when we broke up I thought about her instead when I got lonely up to the point i met my current gf. What's funny, is that I liked her for a whole semester last year, then she rejected me. Over the summer I met a new girl, went on a few dates with her and started to get feelings for her. The old girl was still in my thoughts but not so much. Then the new girl suddenly drops me and then I'm stuck on her for a bit, then get over her. Fast forward a few months and I'm basically over both girls. The fall semester starts and the old girl happens to be in my class. Within a matter of days I'm stuck on her again. We hang out a couple of times, then I ask her out on a real date and she turns me down. Yet we still continue to hang out on a regular basis. I even brought her to my apartment, twice. I think it was during that time period that I may have fallen in love with her. During that semester we mostly hung out on campus after our class was over. But once that class was over, we'd have to actually make plans to see each other. And there was no pretending anymore that I just wanted to be friends. We exchanged a few emails where I told her everything, and that was it. Right now I just really miss her. It's hard going from seeing somebody every day to having no contact. I'm still trying to get other girls because; the best way to get over somebody, is to get on somebody else. But I've never done well with women and that doesn't seem likely. So I'm still carrying a torch for her. Hopeing one day she'll change her mind and we can be together. Either way, I feel as though as time goes on, people tend to put the person who hurt them up on a pedestal. ALl the reasons why the realtionship didnt work out, and the problems that were present seem to go by the wayside, leaving the object of your affection to seem like this unattainable goal. I don't know if I'm putting her on a pedestal. I can easily see her flaws but they don't really bother me. She dresses kind of frumpy and socially awkward. But I can try to improve her look and her being socially awkward doesn't bother me since I'm that way myself. Its damaging to the ego when someone dumps or rejects you, and it leads you to ask yourself what you could have done differently to appease them... therefore putting them in a place of power over you, emotionally. I completely agree with you here. It really is damaging to my ego. I really can't see any reason at all why she would reject me. I think we're in the exact same league, have tons of common interests and get along great. I think the only reason that she turned me down is that she's young and still only into her ideal type. I was the same way too when I was her age. So everyday I wonder what I can do to make her wake-up and see me. What's annoying is that she is still single. Apparently being single is better than being with me
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Same thing happened to me. Absolutely fell head over heels for a girl who I felt most matched my personality and interested me more than anyone ever. And yet, for various reasons things didn't go the way I had hoped. I met up with her last summer, mostly to say goodbye since she was going back to her home country overseas. We hung out for a long time (I brought her back to her place a little after 2 a.m.). I had fun with her (nothing physical, just hanging out), but I realized that things would never have lasted between us. Certain things about her that made us incompatible, these were things that were not going to change. Not to get too religious, but it made me thing that there must have been a reason why things didn't work out the first time. So...I guess my only advice to you is to say that well, there's a reason why things went the way they did. You might not know now, but maybe one day you will.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 And that's probably why I'm still stuck on her. We got along so well and liked almost all of the same things. Her being any anime/gamer girl really helped. Yeah, we are difficult to find from what I heard. I live in a city. Thankfully a city of nerds. Most of the nerds are single rich engineers. I don't look nerdy but I classify quite easily into gamer/book/history nerd... with some medieval re-enacting, martial arts, and outdoors activities like biking thrown in for good measure.
sigurpol Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Well first off, you raise a question about being ___ months/days/years and you should be over this, right? Eh, I feel that sorta thing is case by case. If you're still seeing her around, looking at facebook, and talking about it.. you're not really giving it a chance to go away. My friend pulled me through something what he calls the "mind eraser", hahaha. But, basically, I followed his advice to really, and I mean really, rid of everything that reminded me of this person. Phone number, gifts, notes, facebook: gone. Got rid of it. And then, treat myself to a vacation or something. I did, I visited an old friend of mine out of state, spent the weekend, went to the aquarium, walked around the city, you name it. I enjoyed myself... and I was over this girl soon after. She actually ended up getting ahold of ME after some time and I never responded. I had moved on already. What's so hard about finally picking out those last bits of memories, or whatever you wanna call em, is they sort of play their own role with comfort. And then you miss those memories. I'm sure you have a lot of pleasant memories attached to this person and you may not want to get rid of them yet.
Author somedude81 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Same thing happened to me. Absolutely fell head over heels for a girl who I felt most matched my personality and interested me more than anyone ever. And yet, for various reasons things didn't go the way I had hoped. I met up with her last summer, mostly to say goodbye since she was going back to her home country overseas. We hung out for a long time (I brought her back to her place a little after 2 a.m.). I had fun with her (nothing physical, just hanging out), but I realized that things would never have lasted between us. Certain things about her that made us incompatible, these were things that were not going to change. Not to get too religious, but it made me thing that there must have been a reason why things didn't work out the first time. So...I guess my only advice to you is to say that well, there's a reason why things went the way they did. You might not know now, but maybe one day you will. Sad story. And yeah there might be a reason why things didn't work out. One minor reason I can think of is that she doesn't like to dance while I do. But then again, she hasn't danced with me yet. Yeah, we are difficult to find from what I heard. I live in a city. Thankfully a city of nerds. Most of the nerds are single rich engineers. I don't look nerdy but I classify quite easily into gamer/book/history nerd... with some medieval re-enacting, martial arts, and outdoors activities like biking thrown in for good measure. Oooh, you sound pretty cool. Plus your avatar looks like a Pokemon. Ah here we go, Ducklett and here
counterman Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 It is extremely tough trying to get over someone you got along with so well. It took me ages, I'll say over a year, to completely get over my ex. I was doing what you were doing, checking her FB, looking at old photoes, etc. That just prolonged my suffering. Then I said enough was enough, and just went cold turkey. Of course I did things to keep my distracted. It wasn't smooth but I got there in the end. At the beginning I wanted closure but I started realising I wasn't going to get any. It is tough but you will get over her.
smudge21 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Singing my song here with this thread. I can't really understand either why my current ex is still so much on my mind almost 8 months after things went south between us (not in anger, just didn't work out). I have some ideas. For one, when I first met her, I wasn't attracted so was able to just be myself around her at all times. She too felt comfortable because of this and we hit it off, big time. Now she is very beautiful, but I just wasn't attracted. Wasn't looking for a relationship anyway. Well the flirting started which was all fun to begin with but then got more serious and obviously things happened. Sadly, it didn't work out, but by the time it ended, I'd developed very strong feelings for her, and they just got stronger every day. So I guess the fact that she SLOWLY got under my skin rather then just met her and within a few days we're dating, that might explain why I can't get over her. Maybe it's the longer it takes to fall for someone the longer it takes to forget someone... I dunno', I'm just guessing. Even now with her getting married to her a guy she's known for many years (they've been on/off so many times) I still find it hard to move on and accept she's gone.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Smudge. I have had relationships like that. In fact every remotely good relationship with any staying power what so ever has been like the one you described. You never really get over a relationship like that 100%. I still have a soft spot for each person I felt anything serious for. When I'm really lonely it's nice to at least have had such feelings to remember.
milkmaterial Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) hi somedude, there was a poster here in LS (so sorry i dont remember the name) who did mention regarding dopamine and reward seeking behavior, such as our addiction to dopamine leads us to seek what will give us reward so we have a hard time forgetting them because our brain tells us the reward needs to be achieved through "that person" only..ugh i suck at this but i wish i can point u to that LS member somewhere in the break up part of this site, look there. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesolimbic_pathway http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine#Dopamine.2C_learning.2C_and_reward-seeking_behavior Controversy over mesolimbic dopamine function There is some controversy regarding dopamine’s role in the reward system. Three hypotheses — hedonia, learning and incentive salience — have been proposed as explanations for dopamine’s function in the reward system.[5]dopamine in the nucleus accumbenspleasure neurotransmitter'. Historically, in the late 1970s, it was found that some drugs of abuse involved dopamine activity, particularly in the nucleus accumbens, to cause the "high" or euphoric state. However, not all rewards or pleasurable things involve activation of the reward system, which may suggest that the mesolimbic pathway may not be just a system that works merely off enjoyable things (hedonia).[6] Learning, on the other hand, deals with predictions of future rewards and association formation. Studies have shown that rats that had their ventral tegmental area and nucleus accumbens destroyed do not lose their learning capabilities, but rather lack the motivation to work for a reward.[5]Incentive salience (wanting) stands out as a possible role for dopamine as it regards this molecule as being released when there is a stimulus worth working hard for, thus making an individual work to get it. This is one of the reasons why dopamine transport has been extensively studied in the case of ADD and ADHD. It is now widely understood that most people suffering from some form of attention deficit disorder most likely lack dopamine stimulation. This also explains why dopamine reuptake inhibitors and stimulants often dramatically improve symptoms of attention disorders. In self-administration studies, animals have been trained to give an operant response (lever press, nose poke, wheel turn, etc.) in order to obtain either a drug or mate. It has been shown that the animals will continue to perform the required task until the reward is received, or fatigue sets in.[2][6] The hedonia hypothesis suggests that acts as a ' edit: oh its WutheringH..thanks very much.. link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3339371 (very good read) Edited April 13, 2011 by milkmaterial
zengirl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) I don't think approaching it from a scarcity view ("It's hard to find people I connect with!") helps anyone, and I'm not even sure it's true, in terms of whether those people are really rare, rather than that mindset just makes you good at missing out on them. Whenever I have trouble getting over someone, it's usually because I don't understand where things went awry or why they didn't work out the way I wanted them to. Once I come to that realization, the rest of it is usually relatively easy and I'm over it shortly, but sometimes that takes awhile to happen. Everyone is different, I imagine. When I was younger, I used to obsess about people because I thought I could never meet anyone else like them/guys I liked were rare/guys who like me are rare/whatever stupid reason I thought. But I grew up and learned those were all wrong. There are tons of awesome guys out there and plenty of them like me, and I think that's true for everyone (replace 'guys' with girls if appropriate). Edited April 13, 2011 by zengirl
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