Spark1111 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I want him to be a man and end it like one. She's put him up to this before. She will text trying to be him. So the only way to know it is him is to see it out of his mouth. She has even made him say things on the phone only for me to get a call a day later saying I'm sorry. I'm pissed because I didn't start this mess. He did. I never wanted to go back. He played me like the fool and I fell for it. So now, I want him to tell me he doesn't love me. I just can't emotionally handle everything he said being a lie this last year. I can't handle it. My nerves can't handle it. I will need serious therapy because I have NEVER loved someone like this. Now he is calling me an infactuation but he used to make it clear that it was not that. How do feelings JUST change. Neither one of the woman needed to be treated like crap but he will have that day where I come into his mind. Things will go back to normal. He will wonder where I am. I really believed he loved me and to hear it was all bs just kills whatever kindness I had in my heart. How will I ever believe anyone again. Should I just say "ok, thank you for telling me all your feelings were a lie and I wish you the best in your marriage. Thanks for using me and making me mentally fk'd up? He is minimizing your importance to him in EXACTLY the same way he minimized his wife's importance to him. I am so sorry you are in pain. Please keep educating yourself and reading up on affairs and their causes. Unfortunately, this comes straight out of the MM affair script. Read to find out why. Understanding promotes healing and growth.
Bionic Me Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Trashing the wife or the OW is a necessary part of the affair triangle. A halo must sit one head and devil horns on the other. Before and during the affair, I wore the devil horns apparently. Who knew I could be so evil????? Not the 100 family or friends I had noticed I had changed one whit! Imagine that? After the affair, the hats switched, and she began to wear the horns. Who believed that tripe? Not me! It is all confusion and justification concocted by the MAP. In fact, since he/she created the triangle, he/she is the one who MOST BENEFITS from it! Women please stop vilifying each other and direct your anger where it truly belongs: The Married Man. According to Irish, the wife trashed herself. Right. He has only talked about his wife things that are true that she told me herself. So which one is it?
freestyle Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Trashing the wife or the OW is a necessary part of the affair triangle. A halo must sit one head and devil horns on the other. Before and during the affair, I wore the devil horns apparently. Who knew I could be so evil????? Not the 100 family or friends I had noticed I had changed one whit! Imagine that? After the affair, the hats switched, and she began to wear the horns. Who believed that tripe? Not me! It is all confusion and justification concocted by the MAP. In fact, since he/she created the triangle, he/she is the one who MOST BENEFITS from it! Women please stop vilifying each other and direct your anger where it truly belongs: The Married Man. ding ding ding!!!! (we have a winner!) What greater benefit--by creating the triangle, the MAP also creates a competition. The MAP can sit back and watch the two other parties trying to outdo each other, jumping through more and more hoops to "win" his/her affections. What an immense boost for the ego, and self esteem.("Wow, they both want me, I must really be something"...) "Just watch my puppets dance............................." IL, getting in touch with your anger, and placing it where it belongs can help you to heal faster....
Author Irishlove Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 He, and everyone of thier friends that I have been around says she is a mean and nasty person. She told me as did he, that she doesn't like sex and she hates to be touched. Anyway that's neither her nor there. I talked to him face to face. He said I was not an infactuation that he genuinly loved me and it wasn't a lie. I asked why he says it in past tense but later on in the conversation he said he did love me and always will but he needs to focus on his marriage 100%. I told him that I would have left a long time ago if he told me that and all he had to be was honest with me. He answered all my questions. I could hear in his voice that it was hard for him to say good-bye. I feel alot better. It's a sad thing because I really do love him and probably always will. To one of the posters, yes I know living with him (which I did) is not always a bed of roses. So that's that. It's over. Now to heal. I learned alot in this relationship. The most important was I never knew I could love that hard. So maybe that special guy is out there for me. Thank you all and I heard and listend. As with any advice or opinions I take what I want and leave the rest. Everyone has different experiences so one persons story can't help everyone. I'm glad he gave me that closure and that time. I will keep him and his wife in my prayers because I really do hope he finds happiness.
Spark1111 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I'm glad you got your closure. But what she was, or how she acted, or how she treated him, is helping you to justify your actions right now. It was the permission you needed to pursue the affair with a MP. We all go through this, and it's okay for the early stages of grieving the loss of a relationship. I came to LS to learn what sort of person has a relationship with a committed partner. In time, you will realize that complaining of one's marriage to anyone other than your spouse is just poor, poor form. And the next time some MM starts to complain to you about his marriage and his wife, the only correct response is: I know the name of a good MC. Here's their business card. Then shut that conversation right down. Complaining of his spouse is his way of justifying his attraction to you. Believing it, is your way of justifying your agreeance with that attraction. But try to imagine your boyfriend or husband complaining to another woman about you? Without your knowledge of it or how you are being portrayed to a stranger? And I do not care if the whole world verifies his viewpoint or not. I could find another 100 to verify my viewpoint of my marriage. It SHOULD make you sick at the blatant disrespect of you to share this information with strangers outside the relationship. If not now, then hopefully in the future. I wish you peace.
fooled once Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 It's an inherent risk with cheating. Most of the time, for an affair to continue certain perspectives need to be skewed. You're never going to get the full untainted truth from a married man simply because he can't sit there and portray his wife positively or innocently without painting himself in a very negative light. Another inherent aspect of affairs is that they are doomed to come to an end. And at that point the cheater is forced to make a choice between his spouse and the new love. Either way, he's going to have to eat crow to one or the other...and it could really go either way. Surely you were aware that this risk existed. Now, you're feeling blindsided and lied to. You should. You were lied to (to some extent) and blindsided (to some extent). He's a jerk. That is not to say he didn't love you, and that this wasn't a difficult decision for him to make. But ultimately it was his decision. Not his wife's. Just as it was your decision to go along with the affair. Not his wife's. Be angry with the right persons. As for seeing him face to face - do you really think that will bring you closure? Not likely. Even if he were to give you all the straightforward answers you seek, it would ultimately just lead to more questions and more confusion. The only closure you need resides in you...and coming to terms with the fact that you deserve more than being a misled "other woman". Great post! I want him to be a man and end it like one. She's put him up to this before. She will text trying to be him. So the only way to know it is him is to see it out of his mouth. She has even made him say things on the phone only for me to get a call a day later saying I'm sorry. I'm pissed because I didn't start this mess. He did. I never wanted to go back. He played me like the fool and I fell for it. So now, I want him to tell me he doesn't love me. I just can't emotionally handle everything he said being a lie this last year. I can't handle it. My nerves can't handle it. I will need serious therapy because I have NEVER loved someone like this. Now he is calling me an infactuation but he used to make it clear that it was not that. How do feelings JUST change. Neither one of the woman needed to be treated like crap but he will have that day where I come into his mind. Things will go back to normal. He will wonder where I am. I really believed he loved me and to hear it was all bs just kills whatever kindness I had in my heart. How will I ever believe anyone again. Should I just say "ok, thank you for telling me all your feelings were a lie and I wish you the best in your marriage. Thanks for using me and making me mentally fk'd up? So I saw your update that you did meet with him and he fed you the normal "I will always love you" baloney and you feel better. Good. If you need to believe that to move forward, so be it. But let's remember, what you may or may not have been told is probably not what is accurate. Did his wife know you were screwing her husband when she said that to you? Did you know that many marriages go through ups and downs, periods of frustration and annoyance? Did you know that at times, many people DO NOT WANT to have sex or be touched? When I am angry at my H, I don't want to have sex. You knew a part of him - a small part. I know you have hate and anger towards his wife because you believe had she left him, he would be with you. Turn your anger where it belongs - on him. IF he loved you like he claimed, he would be with you. Period. No excuses, no explanation. He would be with you if he loved you more than he loves his wife. Irish......you aren't listening to what people are telling you. So here is a little 2x4 and I'm not doing it to be cruel but to get you to wake up. It doesn't make a flying **** why he is staying...........money, love, obligation, what ever it is does not matter. He is there......and he chooses to be. One more thing.......you've been posting about what an ******* this guy is......well you need to believe it because he has TRULY shown you who he is. Say to yourself GOOD RIDDANCE and stop lying to yourself about what a wonderful guy he was at first. You didn't know him then and now you are seeing who he is really is. What you see now is the REAL man who is a prick, he cheats on his wife and he used you and he sounds abusive. Get real with yourself. Please! REMEMBER, Good Riddance! Great post, as usual, BB! Yes, this is all her fault .. She woo'd him back with a spell, tied him up and made him change his mind about you ... Just like you put a spell on him and forced him to have an affair with you! He is a liar, a manipulator and a cheater. Why on earth would you expect that man to treat you with respect, honesty and care when he can't even give that to his own wife, the woman he said vows to? He lied to her, why would you think he wouldn't ever lie to you? Somehow do you feel you're better than her? Seems like it.. Seems like you believed his lies and crap he fed you. Do you honestly believe he feels disguist and venom towards his wife? HE TOLD YOU that to keep you happy and to keep the A going. Calling her a hag and putting her down is NOT going to bring him back. Whatever his reasons are, are valid to HIM. Unfortunately, those who cheat on their spouses DO have the right to change their mind. Sure, he didn't end it like a man, or with care or with honesty.. But look at what he's done to his wife, with your help. Why would he give you the care and respect when he doesn't give it to his wife??? Think about that before you slam his wife. She has done nothing wrong here and if he IS trying to make his marriage work, and the A is over, you need to back off and leave him alone. People get hurt in affairs, including those (you) who chose to involve themselves with a MM. You knew he was married from day one.. Stop putting the blame on him and his wife and take some yourself. Sorry to be blunt, I know you're hurting but lashing at his wife and making her the bad guy in this is NOT going to help you in the long run. Any anger you have should be at him and at yourself. Affairs are messy and painful, I'm sure you knew this going in that eventually you'd get hurt. Totally agree. Irish, you refuse to acknowledge YOUR part in this. No one can make you have sex with them. No one can make you have an affair. Own what you did. May I suggest that you use slightly softer language? When I read your post above, what I hear is, "look in a mirror, you'll see you are a SINNER and EVIL EVIL EVIL." I dont' think that's what you're trying to say. I do think that some of the frantic in pain people here, who are already being judged because they'r ein an A which society says is wrong, are going to focus on the way a comment like this sounds condemning, and they're going to overlook what was really your point. Maybe it would be easier if you gave her some advice to get over her pain,and focus less on her being a sinner? Something more like... "you have a right to be angry...but maybe not at his wife. She didn't start the A, wasn't one of the AP, she was only injured by it. Perhaps you can let go of your anger for her, which might really be anger at him (for bringing you here) and yourself (for going along)" I think you're trying to help, Bent. My concern is that sometimes you come across as "holier than thou, you are sinners," which is going to prevent these OW from being able to benefit from your guidance. Maybe it's just because the holier than thou part is so well written, and so powerfully written ("and the image won't be his wifes," that was a really nice delivery...it was also a volleyabll spike to the face). Other times I just want to yell "James 4:11+! " As long as people don't break TOS, posters can post what they want. If Bent's posts bother you, put her on ignore. She is actually a mean what you say/say what you mean poster who doesn't blow sunshine and roses up the behind. Bent, never change your posting style for anyone! He, and everyone of thier friends that I have been around says she is a mean and nasty person. She told me as did he, that she doesn't like sex and she hates to be touched. Anyway that's neither her nor there. I talked to him face to face. He said I was not an infactuation that he genuinly loved me and it wasn't a lie. I asked why he says it in past tense but later on in the conversation he said he did love me and always will but he needs to focus on his marriage 100%. I told him that I would have left a long time ago if he told me that and all he had to be was honest with me. He answered all my questions. I could hear in his voice that it was hard for him to say good-bye. I feel alot better. It's a sad thing because I really do love him and probably always will. To one of the posters, yes I know living with him (which I did) is not always a bed of roses. So that's that. It's over. Now to heal. I learned alot in this relationship. The most important was I never knew I could love that hard. So maybe that special guy is out there for me. Thank you all and I heard and listend. As with any advice or opinions I take what I want and leave the rest. Everyone has different experiences so one persons story can't help everyone. I'm glad he gave me that closure and that time. I will keep him and his wife in my prayers because I really do hope he finds happiness. Again, if he was able to help you move on, good.
Author Irishlove Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 To those who actually had kind advice thank you. My last post was an update. I feel much better. I take no blame but if that's what you had to do fooledonce to get through your A that's fine. Ive been married for many years and finishing a divorce. All is well, given to God and I'll continue with my life. Thank you to those who had positive and supportive things to say. (hugs)
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