Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Now he feels sorry for himself is saying crap like he loves his wife? He's NEVER said that. He said he owes her. This sounds like HER talking. He said his feelings have changed. How do you go from wanting to marrying me a few weeks ago and not living without me to this? I'm numb. He doesn't like anything about her. He complains she stinks, shes not intimate, everyone says she's a biotch. Did he have an epiphany? I didn't do anything to be treated like this. In fact he started this entire bs. I'm adiment about seeing him in person. I want him to tell me face to face it's done and he no longer has feelings for me. IS this part of the cheating? I'm sick to my stomach. This isn't the person I know. I don't love this person. Where did HE go? What happend? I didn't do anything wrong for his feelings to change. She is the same hag.
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 irish, Irish, Irish.....you are missing the big picture here. You have every right to be angry because the rug was pulled out from under you. I get that, I truly do. But she was never the hag he made her out to be. She was never the cold fish he made her out to be. You cannot MAKE someone be loyal to you or re-commit to you if you are not feeling it on some level. Like so many MM, he was confused, unhappy, blamed his wife and his marriage for his being miserable, and not all of it was entirely true! The truth lies somewhere in the middle. And is virtually unknown in its entirety to anyone but the MM. See him in person? To serve what end? Does he have feelings for you? Of course he does. Is he a liar and a coward? of course he is. He was that first to his wife. If hating her or thinking less of her helps you feel better, so be it. It is no different than when a BS hates the OW. It is just misdirected anger. Confront him? To what end? Do not set yourself up for additional heartache. Why do that? Do you want to be right? Or do you want to heal from this whole mess?
26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 You are pretty mean about his wife; I don't understand the purpose of that? He does love her to some extent or he wouldn't be able to remain married to her. He does love you to some extent or he wouldn't have said & done all that he did with you. But he doesn't love you the right way or he would be able to give you what you want. That is all that really matters. I know you want closure from him but he's not able to give it to you other than what he already has. Now is the time to focus on yourself and try to find your own closure. I know it's hard, believe me. Good luck.
fooled once Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Now he feels sorry for himself is saying crap like he loves his wife? He's NEVER said that. He said he owes her. This sounds like HER talking. He said his feelings have changed. How do you go from wanting to marrying me a few weeks ago and not living without me to this? I'm numb. He doesn't like anything about her. He complains she stinks, shes not intimate, everyone says she's a biotch. Did he have an epiphany? I didn't do anything to be treated like this. In fact he started this entire bs. I'm adiment about seeing him in person. I want him to tell me face to face it's done and he no longer has feelings for me. IS this part of the cheating? I'm sick to my stomach. This isn't the person I know. I don't love this person. Where did HE go? What happend? I didn't do anything wrong for his feelings to change. She is the same hag. irish, Irish, Irish.....you are missing the big picture here. You have every right to be angry because the rug was pulled out from under you. I get that, I truly do. But she was never the hag he made her out to be. She was never the cold fish he made her out to be. You cannot MAKE someone be loyal to you or re-commit to you if you are not feeling it on some level. Like so many MM, he was confused, unhappy, blamed his wife and his marriage for his being miserable, and not all of it was entirely true! The truth lies somewhere in the middle. And is virtually unknown in its entirety to anyone but the MM. See him in person? To serve what end? Does he have feelings for you? Of course he does. Is he a liar and a coward? of course he is. He was that first to his wife. If hating her or thinking less of her helps you feel better, so be it. It is no different than when a BS hates the OW. It is just misdirected anger. Confront him? To what end? Do not set yourself up for additional heartache. Why do that? Do you want to be right? Or do you want to heal from this whole mess? agree with Spark. I am trying to understand what is going on. He shoved you under a bus and ran over you...I think is what I am getting from your posts. You don't want to believe it. You want to think he is this great guy and everything wrong is his wife's fault. It isn't. She isn't a hag and I don't understand why you are so angry at HER. WHY do you feel the need to be face to face with him to end it? Is it so he can see you cry? Is it because you want him to want you again? Is it because you just won't accept it is over? WHY do you want someone who is so hateful? Help me understand what is going on....
EyesWideOpen Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) IS this part of the cheating? It's an inherent risk with cheating. Most of the time, for an affair to continue certain perspectives need to be skewed. You're never going to get the full untainted truth from a married man simply because he can't sit there and portray his wife positively or innocently without painting himself in a very negative light. Another inherent aspect of affairs is that they are doomed to come to an end. And at that point the cheater is forced to make a choice between his spouse and the new love. Either way, he's going to have to eat crow to one or the other...and it could really go either way. Surely you were aware that this risk existed. Now, you're feeling blindsided and lied to. You should. You were lied to (to some extent) and blindsided (to some extent). He's a jerk. That is not to say he didn't love you, and that this wasn't a difficult decision for him to make. But ultimately it was his decision. Not his wife's. Just as it was your decision to go along with the affair. Not his wife's. Be angry with the right persons. As for seeing him face to face - do you really think that will bring you closure? Not likely. Even if he were to give you all the straightforward answers you seek, it would ultimately just lead to more questions and more confusion. The only closure you need resides in you...and coming to terms with the fact that you deserve more than being a misled "other woman". Edited April 13, 2011 by EyesWideOpen
bentnotbroken Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Now he feels sorry for himself is saying crap like he loves his wife? He's NEVER said that. He said he owes her. This sounds like HER talking. He said his feelings have changed. How do you go from wanting to marrying me a few weeks ago and not living without me to this? I'm numb. He doesn't like anything about her. He complains she stinks, shes not intimate, everyone says she's a biotch. Did he have an epiphany? I didn't do anything to be treated like this. In fact he started this entire bs. I'm adiment about seeing him in person. I want him to tell me face to face it's done and he no longer has feelings for me. IS this part of the cheating? I'm sick to my stomach. This isn't the person I know. I don't love this person. Where did HE go? What happend? I didn't do anything wrong for his feelings to change. She is the same hag. And I would wager the "hag" didn't do anything to be treated like crap either. Since you both have the same taste in men...what does that say about you?
Author Irishlove Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I want him to be a man and end it like one. She's put him up to this before. She will text trying to be him. So the only way to know it is him is to see it out of his mouth. She has even made him say things on the phone only for me to get a call a day later saying I'm sorry. I'm pissed because I didn't start this mess. He did. I never wanted to go back. He played me like the fool and I fell for it. So now, I want him to tell me he doesn't love me. I just can't emotionally handle everything he said being a lie this last year. I can't handle it. My nerves can't handle it. I will need serious therapy because I have NEVER loved someone like this. Now he is calling me an infactuation but he used to make it clear that it was not that. How do feelings JUST change. Neither one of the woman needed to be treated like crap but he will have that day where I come into his mind. Things will go back to normal. He will wonder where I am. I really believed he loved me and to hear it was all bs just kills whatever kindness I had in my heart. How will I ever believe anyone again. Should I just say "ok, thank you for telling me all your feelings were a lie and I wish you the best in your marriage. Thanks for using me and making me mentally fk'd up?
bentnotbroken Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I want him to be a man and end it like one. She's put him up to this before. She will text trying to be him. So the only way to know it is him is to see it out of his mouth. She has even made him say things on the phone only for me to get a call a day later saying I'm sorry. I'm pissed because I didn't start this mess. He did. I never wanted to go back. He played me like the fool and I fell for it. So now, I want him to tell me he doesn't love me. I just can't emotionally handle everything he said being a lie this last year. I can't handle it. My nerves can't handle it. I will need serious therapy because I have NEVER loved someone like this. Now he is calling me an infactuation but he used to make it clear that it was not that. How do feelings JUST change. Neither one of the woman needed to be treated like crap but he will have that day where I come into his mind. Things will go back to normal. He will wonder where I am. I really believed he loved me and to hear it was all bs just kills whatever kindness I had in my heart. How will I ever believe anyone again. Should I just say "ok, thank you for telling me all your feelings were a lie and I wish you the best in your marriage. Thanks for using me and making me mentally fk'd up? You have a right to be angry, at yourself and him...not his wife. When you look in the mirror you will see part of the duo who hurt you. And the image won't be his wife's.
TurboGirl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Irish... sorry that you are hurting. The ups/downs can be really devastating. But you must own up to your part in this... you knew that this man was back & forth like the wind. Are you surprised that he did it again? I don't think the BS is a hag... (yeah yeah, I know you are pissed) she is trying to hold onto her man who apparently keeps wandering off. Can you blame her? If he was ready to leave, he would. Truly. I don't doubt that he has strong feelings for you... but she was there first and he still loves her no matter what he has told you. Why waste your time seeing him unless you want to continue with this drama and drag out the pain even longer? Cut him off, get some therapy if you can't deal with the pain, and move on. Be kind to yourself and put an end to the pain! That is the only way you will come out the winner here!
Author Irishlove Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Irish... sorry that you are hurting. The ups/downs can be really devastating. But you must own up to your part in this... you knew that this man was back & forth like the wind. Are you surprised that he did it again? I don't think the BS is a hag... (yeah yeah, I know you are pissed) she is trying to hold onto her man who apparently keeps wandering off. Can you blame her? If he was ready to leave, he would. Truly. I don't doubt that he has strong feelings for you... but she was there first and he still loves her no matter what he has told you. Why waste your time seeing him unless you want to continue with this drama and drag out the pain even longer? Cut him off, get some therapy if you can't deal with the pain, and move on. Be kind to yourself and put an end to the pain! That is the only way you will come out the winner here! I will try but omg I am so devastated. He wants the money. He doesn't want her. He has to have her to have the money from the business. That's just fact.
datura_noir Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 IL, let me give you a little run-down on a typical marriage-even one in which there has been an affair... I sit here on my laptop, after writing up my thesis for a class, my husband has just gotten home from a meeting for his fraternal organization to which HE VOLUNTEERED TO JOIN and be president of ALL THE WHILE COMPLAINING OF NOT HAVING THE TIME TO DO THINGS FOR HIMSELF. He is sitting there, farting loudly and smell-ily, complaining about his day and his subordinates, blaming all of the faults of his company on these people WHO WORK DIRECTLY FOR HIM AND WHOM HE HIRED AND WHOM HE INVITES REGULARLY TO HAVE DINNER WITH US-while playing video games on the xbox. He just gave up a 30 year smoking habit, and he is cranky as all hell. I hope he makes it, I will support his efforts all the way. He is de-compressing from his day, and I am his rock. This is my life. I love him. He loves me. He thought he loved the OW. I think she was smarter than me sometimes because she probably foresaw this exact scenario and said WTF?!?!?!:lmao: I know all of his faults, and he mine, but at the end of the day, WE are here because this is what we want. It can be so mundane at times, but this is a low for us. BUt we still have a connection. If this is the life for you, please knock at my door and I will grant you my husband for the next 6 months (the for worse side of the vows) while I go and have the fun that you could be having. The whole evening scenario above may sound to you about as romantic as gutting a fish, but it is what it is. This is real life to most married folk.
datura_noir Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Oh and the part about wanting the money?? Honey, don't you know that in any divorce, a spouse gets half in a no fault state? They have given their all (look at my post above), doesn't she deserve it?? I know I sure would feel that way! It seems he's more worried about losing out , so that does not bode well for you. She now dictates the entire relationship.... Or does she? Where's your power? Where is YOUR money??
BB07 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Irish......you aren't listening to what people are telling you. So here is a little 2x4 and I'm not doing it to be cruel but to get you to wake up. It doesn't make a flying **** why he is staying...........money, love, obligation, what ever it is does not matter. He is there......and he chooses to be. One more thing.......you've been posting about what an ******* this guy is......well you need to believe it because he has TRULY shown you who he is. Say to yourself GOOD RIDDANCE and stop lying to yourself about what a wonderful guy he was at first. You didn't know him then and now you are seeing who he is really is. What you see now is the REAL man who is a prick, he cheats on his wife and he used you and he sounds abusive. Get real with yourself. Please! REMEMBER, Good Riddance!
Rose1977 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 IL, let me give you a little run-down on a typical marriage-even one in which there has been an affair... I sit here on my laptop, after writing up my thesis for a class, my husband has just gotten home from a meeting for his fraternal organization to which HE VOLUNTEERED TO JOIN and be president of ALL THE WHILE COMPLAINING OF NOT HAVING THE TIME TO DO THINGS FOR HIMSELF. He is sitting there, farting loudly and smell-ily, complaining about his day and his subordinates, blaming all of the faults of his company on these people WHO WORK DIRECTLY FOR HIM AND WHOM HE HIRED AND WHOM HE INVITES REGULARLY TO HAVE DINNER WITH US-while playing video games on the xbox. He just gave up a 30 year smoking habit, and he is cranky as all hell. I hope he makes it, I will support his efforts all the way. He is de-compressing from his day, and I am his rock. This is my life. I love him. He loves me. He thought he loved the OW. I think she was smarter than me sometimes because she probably foresaw this exact scenario and said WTF?!?!?!:lmao: I know all of his faults, and he mine, but at the end of the day, WE are here because this is what we want. It can be so mundane at times, but this is a low for us. BUt we still have a connection. If this is the life for you, please knock at my door and I will grant you my husband for the next 6 months (the for worse side of the vows) while I go and have the fun that you could be having. The whole evening scenario above may sound to you about as romantic as gutting a fish, but it is what it is. This is real life to most married folk. Could be worse DN, I am being subjected to watching Dancing With the Stars. We are smushed on the couch and when he falls asleep he will start snoring in my ear. Loudly. I will tell him to go to bed at which point he will jump and loudly announce that not only is he NOT sleeping, he DOES NOT snore. OP, I am so sorry you are hurting. I can tell how angry and hurt you are. I don't think you need to be subjected to him telling you in person he doesn't love you. Why add more hurt where there doesn't have to be? Saying I love you is easy, it's showing it that's hard. And he is showing you where his loyalties lie. At this point, you can decide for yourself that you deserve better than to be treated like this and move on with your dignity intact. The thing that jumps out to me is all the name-calling... all these things he is saying about his wife, he is saying about you as well - to her. You deserve better. No one should be given false promises and thrown under a bus the way you are being treated. He is only playing with your head because he can. You have all the power here, not him. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.
carrie999 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Irish, everyone else said everything I was thinking, and far better than I could have said it without posting one of my typically lengthy responses. All I can say is this: PLEASE READ every response thus far, and internalize each one. You are getting the best advice I have ever seen in a single thread in terms of everyone posting without bias and really trying to help you through this. You're hearing from betrayed spouses who didn't even get angry at you for calling his wife names because they truly understand your pain...honestly, I was cringing reading each response expecting anger towards you, and it's not there at all. You have a large support network here, and I really hope that you'll take their words to heart. You definitely need therapy to get through this, but I hope you'll continue reaching out here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I'm sorry for his wife, too, because however awful she may or may not be (my guess is that she's not nearly as awful as he's lead you to believe), she is in a horrible position right now...and she's the one who is stuck with him by her own choice. You may never get closure from him. MOVE ON! Given how poorly he has handled this whole situation, you're dodging a bullet, and he's done you a favor in forcing you to see what a jerk he really is. You'll recover and find a way to trust again, and you'll find peace with this, and learn so much. Okay...so my response still was lengthy...sorry. Just learn from this. (((Hugs)))
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Yes, this is all her fault .. She woo'd him back with a spell, tied him up and made him change his mind about you ... Just like you put a spell on him and forced him to have an affair with you! He is a liar, a manipulator and a cheater. Why on earth would you expect that man to treat you with respect, honesty and care when he can't even give that to his own wife, the woman he said vows to? He lied to her, why would you think he wouldn't ever lie to you? Somehow do you feel you're better than her? Seems like it.. Seems like you believed his lies and crap he fed you. Do you honestly believe he feels disguist and venom towards his wife? HE TOLD YOU that to keep you happy and to keep the A going. Calling her a hag and putting her down is NOT going to bring him back. Whatever his reasons are, are valid to HIM. Unfortunately, those who cheat on their spouses DO have the right to change their mind. Sure, he didn't end it like a man, or with care or with honesty.. But look at what he's done to his wife, with your help. Why would he give you the care and respect when he doesn't give it to his wife??? Think about that before you slam his wife. She has done nothing wrong here and if he IS trying to make his marriage work, and the A is over, you need to back off and leave him alone. People get hurt in affairs, including those (you) who chose to involve themselves with a MM. You knew he was married from day one.. Stop putting the blame on him and his wife and take some yourself. Sorry to be blunt, I know you're hurting but lashing at his wife and making her the bad guy in this is NOT going to help you in the long run. Any anger you have should be at him and at yourself. Affairs are messy and painful, I'm sure you knew this going in that eventually you'd get hurt.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 . He is sitting there, farting loudly and smell-ily, complaining about his day and his subordinates, blaming all of the faults of his company on these people WHO WORK DIRECTLY FOR HIM AND WHOM HE HIRED AND WHOM HE INVITES REGULARLY TO HAVE DINNER WITH US while playing video games on the xbox. OMFG, I think I've just had a stroke from laughing so hard! Sorry this is kind of a thread jack, but this is so funny! Irish, be angry, be upset, cry, scream and vent. This man fooled you, but you kept going back. If you feel this messed up, then do get therapy to help you cope and process this so you won't let him ruin you and your future. He isn't worth it. He's a piece of sh.it and the best way to go on with your life and have revenge is to quiet and stay silent, don't ever see or speak to him again. You CAN and you WILL get through this.
Flabbergaster Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Irish- I'm so sorry you got caught up in this bull. It's so hard for me to be in NC...because i think I could probably win her back. Unlike him, I'm not willing to do this 'at any cost' to the xOW. Don't know why he came back, it was bull. She asked me to not pull her back...it breaks my heart to comply. I do it in part because I know it will break HER heart ten times over if I pull her back in. Maybe this guy just doesn't love you as much as you love him; you wouldn't have done this to him. Maybe he's not strong enough to have let you go 'in peace,' when he had a weak moment and decided to try to reactivate you as his emotional crutch. I could never give her a solid reason for why I didn't leave. The reasons I had...don't make sense to her / can't be explained / are mroe of a 'cloud' of resaons than an actual reason. If she had demanded an actual reason, maybe I would have made something up that she could swallow, maybe somehting about "i would lose too much money." That wouldn't make it the real reason. My point...maybe it's not just the money from the business. Maybe it's something that he simply can't explain, because he knows it will not make sense to you, that he can never properly explain the actual reasons, so he chose money as a "simple to explain" concept. Maybe he doesn't even know exactly whey he's not picking you, himself. what purpose would it serve to see him in person? Do you think he'll say he loves you? I'm sorry, he's not going to say that. I would like to suggest that yelling at him won't help you feel better, your heart will still be in pain> I'd like to suggest that hearing him say he doesn't love you anymore...I've heard those words, dear. Trust me, it hurts worse to hear them than to simply be aware of them. Will hurt more to hea them face to face. It won't help you recover, anymore. here's my thought...maybe he's in a state of flux, and she's playing puppetteer. well...i'll tell you what I would tell my sister. "dump this loser. He's not treating you well. He needs you and wants you, but he isn't willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. So dump him, break his heart and let him swim home." Be the one who dumps him; he's just playing flipflop games. If you dump him, you'll feel stronger about yourself, you'll be taking control AWAY from him, after all the times he tried (and suceeded) to control you. Datura - hmm, guess i'm not the only MM like that. Recently i realized that 50% of my underwear probably should have been thrown away...months ago. Interesting enough, xOW never saw any of these ratty pairs.
Flabbergaster Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 You have a right to be angry, at yourself and him...not his wife. When you look in the mirror you will see part of the duo who hurt you. And the image won't be his wife's. May I suggest that you use slightly softer language? When I read your post above, what I hear is, "look in a mirror, you'll see you are a SINNER and EVIL EVIL EVIL." I dont' think that's what you're trying to say. I do think that some of the frantic in pain people here, who are already being judged because they'r ein an A which society says is wrong, are going to focus on the way a comment like this sounds condemning, and they're going to overlook what was really your point. Maybe it would be easier if you gave her some advice to get over her pain,and focus less on her being a sinner? Something more like... "you have a right to be angry...but maybe not at his wife. She didn't start the A, wasn't one of the AP, she was only injured by it. Perhaps you can let go of your anger for her, which might really be anger at him (for bringing you here) and yourself (for going along)" I think you're trying to help, Bent. My concern is that sometimes you come across as "holier than thou, you are sinners," which is going to prevent these OW from being able to benefit from your guidance. Maybe it's just because the holier than thou part is so well written, and so powerfully written ("and the image won't be his wifes," that was a really nice delivery...it was also a volleyabll spike to the face). Other times I just want to yell "James 4:11+! "
Heart On Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Sounds all too familiar IrishLove. I wound up clinically depressed and in therapy thanks to my xMM Narcissistic Casanova and he could have cared less that he had done such major damage to me. Do yourself a favor....get off and STAY OFF the emotional roller coaster and know that YOU are the one who is WINNING here.Not his poor wife. I offer insight thru websites that have helped me understand WTF happened to me and I can only say,it get's better with time and knowledge! Read this and figure out what it is about your that is attracted to men who play you.That's the only part you have any control over and if you don't change this in you,you are going to stay vulnerable to these types and hurt in the future.They are TRULY messed up and hurt anyone who tries to love them. http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html A Borderline can leave you abruptly, which is nothing short of devastating. He may pin it on some kind of deal-breaker that suddenly seems untenable--like an age disparity between you, your inability to bear a child, those little habits he found adorable--but can't stand now, etc. You'll feel shocked and bewildered when he leaves you for someone new, or returns to a former love he'd always bitched about, while you patiently listened and comforted. This hurts like your leg has been amputated. It's that bad. Your pain won't phase him. He lacks humanity. And that's just the way it is with some of these men. It's not personal,but it sure as hell feels like it doesn't it?
bentnotbroken Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 May I suggest that you use slightly softer language? When I read your post above, what I hear is, "look in a mirror, you'll see you are a SINNER and EVIL EVIL EVIL." I dont' think that's what you're trying to say. I do think that some of the frantic in pain people here, who are already being judged because they'r ein an A which society says is wrong, are going to focus on the way a comment like this sounds condemning, and they're going to overlook what was really your point. Maybe it would be easier if you gave her some advice to get over her pain,and focus less on her being a sinner? Something more like... "you have a right to be angry...but maybe not at his wife. She didn't start the A, wasn't one of the AP, she was only injured by it. Perhaps you can let go of your anger for her, which might really be anger at him (for bringing you here) and yourself (for going along)" I think you're trying to help, Bent. My concern is that sometimes you come across as "holier than thou, you are sinners," which is going to prevent these OW from being able to benefit from your guidance. Maybe it's just because the holier than thou part is so well written, and so powerfully written ("and the image won't be his wifes," that was a really nice delivery...it was also a volleyabll spike to the face). Other times I just want to yell "James 4:11+! " I don't care how I am perceived. I post the way I want to whom I want. This is as soft as I get. Feel free to ignore me whenever you want. Not only am not angry, may I suggest you deal with the OP instead of me. I said nothing about sin. Only her responsibility for her situation. Moving on now! Maybe you should get your ears checked. :lmao:
MLC64 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Could be worse DN, I am being subjected to watching Dancing With the Stars. We are smushed on the couch and when he falls asleep he will start snoring in my ear. Loudly. I will tell him to go to bed at which point he will jump and loudly announce that not only is he NOT sleeping, he DOES NOT snore. Are you serious...I am lmao for the first time in weeks, and also to the comment about "gutting a fish" by a previous poster...too funny....my husband does this exact same thing on the couch while faking wathcing tv..omg!! Yup that is a REAL Rl.....at it's truest and best. Thanks for some laughter in my pain... I needed that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OP, I am so sorry you are hurting. I can tell how angry and hurt you are. I don't think you need to be subjected to him telling you in person he doesn't love you. Why add more hurt where there doesn't have to be? Saying I love you is easy, it's showing it that's hard. And he is showing you where his loyalties lie. At this point, you can decide for yourself that you deserve better than to be treated like this and move on with your dignity intact. The thing that jumps out to me is all the name-calling... all these things he is saying about his wife, he is saying about you as well - to her. You deserve better. No one should be given false promises and thrown under a bus the way you are being treated. He is only playing with your head because he can. You have all the power here, not him. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. my response following the bold.....
KikiW Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 As short a response as possible... remove yourself from this drama. He treats you badly, he treats her badly, and he gets you both all cranked up over him. She might be a hag, but chances are she really isn't, he was just describing her in negative ways to make sure you hated her and not him for being a spineless prick. Leave now and never look back. It may hurt, but trust me, you can wait for the right guy to come and sweep you off your feet, and he WON'T treat you like this.
Bionic Me Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) May I suggest that you use slightly softer language? When I read your post above, what I hear is, "look in a mirror, you'll see you are a SINNER and EVIL EVIL EVIL." I dont' think that's what you're trying to say. I do think that some of the frantic in pain people here, who are already being judged because they'r ein an A which society says is wrong, are going to focus on the way a comment like this sounds condemning, and they're going to overlook what was really your point. Maybe it would be easier if you gave her some advice to get over her pain,and focus less on her being a sinner? Something more like... "you have a right to be angry...but maybe not at his wife. She didn't start the A, wasn't one of the AP, she was only injured by it. Perhaps you can let go of your anger for her, which might really be anger at him (for bringing you here) and yourself (for going along)" I think you're trying to help, Bent. My concern is that sometimes you come across as "holier than thou, you are sinners," which is going to prevent these OW from being able to benefit from your guidance. Maybe it's just because the holier than thou part is so well written, and so powerfully written ("and the image won't be his wifes," that was a really nice delivery...it was also a volleyabll spike to the face). Other times I just want to yell "James 4:11+! " Ironically, nobody is benefiting from your "guidance" either, Flabber. OP- What part of your situation you are not understanding? This man is showing you his true colors and you want to think that he is this person that now is just part of your imagination. WAKE THE F*CK UP! In reality, you are the one person here that can get away, yet you insist on staying in this situation. What exactly do you think you are going to get out of all of this? Amazes me when people get involve in As and when they stay with the short end of the stick, they want to cry victim. You knew he was married and you most likely knew what the outcome could be but it seems that you decided to paint it all in pink. I understand that these MM/MW lie till infinity but actions are louder than words. RUN AND RUN FAST. HE DID YOU A FAVOR! There are billions of people in this world. Get yourself an available mate and you won't deal with these issues (still with deal with issues but...). Trashing his wife shows your level of maturity. It's none of your business what she is or isn't. Can't have it both ways. When a bs trashes the ow everyone comes down on her calling her "bitter", etc. What does that make you? Let it go. Edited April 13, 2011 by Bionic Me
Spark1111 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Trashing the wife or the OW is a necessary part of the affair triangle. A halo must sit one head and devil horns on the other. Before and during the affair, I wore the devil horns apparently. Who knew I could be so evil????? Not the 100 family or friends I had noticed I had changed one whit! Imagine that? After the affair, the hats switched, and she began to wear the horns. Who believed that tripe? Not me! It is all confusion and justification concocted by the MAP. In fact, since he/she created the triangle, he/she is the one who MOST BENEFITS from it! Women please stop vilifying each other and direct your anger where it truly belongs: The Married Man.
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