strawberry37 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 i am new here... my fiance and i broke up just over a month ago. it was pretty messy, and i realize he is not someone i want to marry. (i originally posted on the abuse forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272136/) the rest of the relationship was pretty awful, too. i knew early on that he was a liar, yet he'd promise to change, so i'd stay. i tried to break up with him in september because i was afraid of him. i have been reading books and going to therapy and support groups to deal with everything. i realize i don't want to talk to him. i don't want him in my life and am not worried about running into him. he moved 30 minutes from me and works 30 minutes further past that, so he has no reason to be in my city. i'm pretty confident he will leave me alone at this point (i don't know if i'm being naive, but i'm just not worried about him coming around). i can't stop wondering, "what if i had been a better person?" "what if i didn't get mad and yell when i found out about one of his lies or about his porn addiction?" "why didn't i just leave when i threatened to leave or when he was violent?" i keep feeling like its my fault. maybe he isn't a bad guy at all. part of me wants to email him, "i love you. we planned to get married. let's get counseling and make this work." yet i realize he doesn't want to - i had been begging for counseling for months. when he first broke his hand (the day after we got engaged last may), i asked him to go to counseling. he refused and said "no. this was a huge wake-up call. i'll never do it again". ha. he never punched the barstool again; he started pushing me around. pinning me, blocking me, trapping me, shoving me to the floor. always claiming "but i never hit you" or "you made me violent", and begging for forgiveness. he had about five "wake-up calls" where he swore he'd never do it again. and i fell for it every single time. logically, i realize there is nothing about him that makes me want to go back to that, so i'm not worried about having a weak moment and actually calling him and begging to work things out or anything. maybe the relationship could have worked if he had agreed to counseling in the first place or even acknowledged his role in things. i guess its my heart that misses him (maybe not him... just the companionship?). it hard to accept that the person i had planned to marry is no longer in my life. and i might be better off that way. i just feel like i'm all over the place. missing him, hating him, wanting him to call me, realizing i dont want to talk to him ever again. i'm not going to call/email him; i just hate feeling like i have something to say to him. i went away for the weekend and spent a lot of time reflecting and writing and was MUCH closer to feeling a sense of peace about this. i hand-wrote a 35-page letter to him (not going to send it... just trying to get it all out). i finally started feeling i could accept that it simply wasn't a good relationship. i felt i could finally quit trying to analyze things and let go and take care of myself. and now i'm back to not caring about anything because i wonder if i am a horrible person who made him this way, and he's much better off without me. i'm not really sure what i'm looking for... i need to trust again that i know i'm making the right decision by just letting go of this and moving on and not thinking about him or the relationship anymore. i have finally let go of a lot of the anger i had toward him and have quit blaming him for everything, and i realize i need to focus on the future. i quit trusting and listening to my gut in this relationship because any time i felt anything, he told me i was wrong or overreacting, or i'm the one with problems or trust issues. any insight into or advice on letting go and moving on and knowing that youre better off without an ex. i don't feel like i've made a huge regression or anything. i do realize my life will go on without him. i think i've just lost some of my confidence that i'm better off without him and deserve better than this.
hurley21 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Your relationship story sounds so similar to mine that I kept making sure I hadn't posted it! I am all over the place as well. One hour, I am convinced I love him and need him and that because he has a screwed up past that it isn't his fault and that I need to be patient and not let what he does get to me. The next hour, I feel like a victim: I realize that I have no self-esteem because of him, that hes broken my heart dozens of times, terrified me to sobbing with his anger bursts, etc etc etc. All the same crap as your guy. Also, we are stuck in a dependent living situation- which thank goodness for you, you got him out of the house. Let me know if you find some inner strength and/or you have an epiphany about what the right thing to do is.
Author strawberry37 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 i'm sorry to hear you have a story similar to mine and that you have to live with him. i am sooo thankful he left. originally he wanted me to leave, but then i realized no. the day after the police were involved, he went to the apartment and got all his stuff out while i was at work. it was kind of erie to come home to that, but kind of a relief, too. how much longer do you have to live with him?? so far my only epiphany has been through writing, so if you haven't done any writing, i'd recommend that. my self-esteem is gone, too. i've made lists of my positive qualities and lists of positive things that happen each day - like talking to a friend and things like that. i also made lists of why i'm better off without him, and lists of what i'd like in a future relationship - honesty, respect, no violence.
hurley21 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Our lease isn't up until the end of August. So, 4 months I guess. Everyone keeps saying one of you needs to get out. I would do that IF I had the option. We don't have that option. We're both college students. How long were you and your ex together? I've been with him for almost 5 years. We were married, got divorced and were engaged again. I just want strength at this point. I know things are going to be hard for a while, but I wish I had the confidence to feel like I could get through anything.
Author strawberry37 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 wow... i guess it could be worse, but 4 months is a long time to stay with someone you're broken up with. do you have any friends that would let you stay with them?? or a few friends so you could rotate? 5 years is a long time, so i can't even imagine. what is the story of your relationship and break-up? i wish there was an easy way to give you (and myself) strength! i think talking about it helps. and finding people who can at least somewhat relate to what you're going through. find some positive affirmations - my therapist gave me a list of some. and read them at least once a day. i struggle to believe the things i read.... but its something. we were only together about 15 months. it all happened so fast - which should have been a red flag. i have a cousin who is a social worker, and she said that a sign of an abuser is a rushed relationship. my ex was talking about marrying me after our 4th date. he wanted me to move in with him about 2 months later. i didnt want to live with someone before marriage because i had lived with a guy in college, and that didn't go well. so he told me he promised we'd get married if i moved in with him. i moved in with him about 4 months after we started dating, and we did get engaged a month later. and he was first violent the very next day. UGH.
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