downinthedumps Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I am in a LDR and have a really bad time struggling with insecurities and suspicions and its destroying me and our relationship. We see each each other very weekend. He recently accepted a job promoting events at a night club which he knew I wasnt comfortable with and later on took it anyway because they offered him a lot of money on the spot and he saw it for us to get ahead. We had big fights over the last couple of weekends about him doing this, he apologised a lot and said he made a mistake. In the mean time since hes started this job he is meeting new people and making lots of friends (including pretty single females) and im just really really struggling and worried he will find someone better than me and leave me. He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me 2 - 3 times a day, talks about the future, us getting married, he knows what he wants, he would never cheat or do anything to wreck us .. but I just cant get it through my head and let go of my fears. Hes been very patient with me and said I had a year to stop these thoughts and being silly (we have now been together 10 months) but hes starting to get fed up. What can I do to stop feeling this way, im not looking after myself, not sleeping and am very run down, Im afraid to talk to him when im like this because it will ruin us more so have been distancing myself a bit. Help
Mrlonelyone Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 That's always a problem with long distance. Even marriages struggle with it. Even married people cheat because of it. You can either trust him or decide you can't handle it and breakup with him. Reduce the distance and move closer to him. Long distance cannot be indefinite.
lonely79 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 you should come on over to the Long Distance Relationships sub forum here on loveshack and post there! lots of good advice to be had from people who are in the same type of situation!
thatone Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) i just stumbled across this site and felt obligated to reply to this from being in similar situations before. i am financially 'independent' we'll say, but of course most women in my age range are not. i don't have a location i'm tied to, i don't have an office to go to every day. but when opportunity or desire for something new strikes me i'm ready to go, right now. unfortunately other people are not, they have places to be every day, and their lives are planned out in advance to an extent, that's just how it is. the point is, you have to decide what your priorities are and act on them. i have to do this in every relationship. me: "hey lets take a week and go somewhere" her: "i have to work, you know that" me: (thinking, should i really tell her "just quit, i'll take care of us", or am i making a big mistake?) yes, it's a big commitment, every relationship can turn into near-marriage, or abrupt endings, there's not much middle ground. you're in the same boat with a long distance relationship. if the relationship is the most important thing in your life, offer to leave your current location to be with him. if it isn't, then let him go. if the roles were reversed, you would be perfectly justified in asking him to do the same. you can't separate money, job, relationship. they all affect each other. the best you can do is decide which one is most important, be honest about it with your partner to see if the feeling is mutual, and act on that. if you want to be with him, and he wants to be with you, one of you is gonna have to make that leap of faith to sever the ties with their current location and move to the other person. if you mention this and he doesn't reciprocate, the days are probably numbered. but one or the other is going to happen. ignored problems don't go away, so stop ignoring this one. ask him honestly if he would move his life to be with you, or if he would want you to move your life to be with him. if you aren't both in agreement, you're spinning your wheels. either way you're not being fair to him by trying to control him from miles away. if you want to have input on his daily life, you have to be together every day. Edited April 13, 2011 by thatone
Author downinthedumps Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Thanks for your reply and yes I agree, he had been applying for jobs in my city for 5 months to no avail, so we decided I would move to his and have been trying the last 2 months. He has suddenly become very money driven at the moment and wants to get ahead and seems to have gone in to full "provider" mode (im very financially independent too and quite a stickler for it). hes been discussing houses for us and wants to take me to italy early next year and has all these things he wants us to have and do, I would rather spend the time together personally, but he is trying to do the best for us. It really seems the closer we get the more frustrating it gets!
thatone Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) well if you agreed on that then do it. if you're talking about buying a house and trips to italy you could do without one or the other and not starve. that's part of the deal too, everyone sacrifices something. get over trying to impress each other with grand plans and get down to brass tacks. how do we do this and make it work. how can we get by on one person's salary until the other finds a job here. that's what matters, not trips to italy. if you're not ready to do that, you're not ready to make that move either. if you are, then go do it. Edited April 13, 2011 by thatone
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