confused1989 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Hey everyone. You can refer to my previous threads if you have any questions about my situation. Basically I have been in NC for a couple of weeks now, I haven't been keeping count because I think putting a number on it and keeping track of it means I'm still giving her too much of my attention. I try to go through the day without thinking about her, but these past couple of days have been tough. Maybe it's been the nice sunny weather, and maybe it's been something else, I don't know. I was doing so well so I kind of expected to backslide at some point. She keeps interrupting my NC which doesn't help any, I guess. I haven't gone a full week without bumping into her or receiving some kind of message from her, although they are all pretty neutral and I ignore them. Last thing that happened was she told me she was putting my hat in our locker so I could get it whenever I wanted ( I didn't ask for it back ), and I noticed that she didn't take her belongings out of the locker after asking me to put it in there 3 weeks ago. She took it out later that day but it frustrated me that she interrupted my NC when I first started it to ask for her belongings back, and then she didn't even take them from the locker till now. Anywho, I'm struggling the past couple of days. I am doing things for myself, I haven't broke NC, and I had a good night out last week at a social which she attended and I felt I handled myself good. I'm mad at myself for still caring about her. I wish I could stop analyzing. I don't analyze near as much, and I don't think about her plans or whereabouts nor do I go looking to find out what she's up to. But I analyze the end of our relationship since it was so messy. Things didn't add up at all and every now and again this pops into my head. It's so messy that she goes around saying I dumped her, and I feel as though she dumped me. It's hard to improve yourself when you don't really know where you went wrong. At the prime time of our relationship I thought things were great and she told me they were bad for a while. My ego is still taking a huge beating... she seems like a completely different person although I know she is as happy as ever. She will get whatever guy she wants... I am quite sure I have already been replaced. I know there is never going to be an "us" again, so I'm not here trying to give myself hope. She has way too much pride to ever come back to me and say she made mistakes. And like I said in her mind (so she says) I dumped her and she's the victim, and it my mind she dumped me and I'm the victim. So there is no way she is going to approach me and no way I am going to approach her. I know I made mistakes when we were together (although I know they were not that big, everyone makes mistakes) and I owned up to them, which she never could. I just thought I was worth more. I'm trying to improve myself, and I am moving on in many ways, but these stupid thoughts are holding me back greatly. Edited April 12, 2011 by confused1989
fetish Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Just try to take it easy and not be so hard on yourself. You're still healing and its going to take some time. You've only been broken up for a little under 3 months. You're going to backslide but as time moves forward, you'll notice that the pain will last less and less. I've had to do some light counseling sessions to help me get through this. She's great too because she helps me understand that I wasn't wrong for what i expected out of the RL and tells me to take it easy on myself. Give yourself a break" as my counselor puts it. My girl was selfish, manipulative, and its best she laid it all on the table now before i actually married her. In one of my threads on LS, a wise one told me that It could take an even year (maybe longer) to get over a ltr breakup. I was in a relationship with my woman for the past 8 years and everything I did, taste, saw, smelled, or touch was with her. Now that we're apart, I don't even look at a sunny day the same anymore. It just seems a whole new life of unexpected without her and it scares and depresses me. I was doing NC like you were doing but i got tripped up over one of her guilt trip messages. Having been invested for so long, i still feel somewhat a duty to let her know that i still care about her, but our time has run its course and I need my time to heal. Our RL is over for good this time. She's just become too dangerous and impulsive from addiction. However, since i really can't predict the future, i can't say ever. If it's meant to be, the universe will parrallel us to cross paths again, but it will have to be a totally different time in my life and she would've had to have gotten some help for her problems and we both would have to be grown to be different people. But as of now, i'm working at moving on. You should not be mad at yourself for still caring about her. That's something you should be proud of. Remember, as i've mentioned in your last two threads, your girl is a master manipulator (like mine). Her going around telling everybody you dumped her is a way to get sympathy from everyone so she looks like the victim, therefore making it acceptable to do whatever she wants like (partying, vacationing, whatever). And don't be so sure that she's as happy as ever. Are you in her head? Do you know her every waking thought? All that social bs she does is an obvious cover up and act. Anyone who always has to drown out their problems with alcohol, drugs, gambling, you name it are some miserable people. Your girl is so young too and i'm sorry to say it, she doesn't really seem like she's headed down a good path. One thing that i can commend you for and something that i wish i could build up the courage to do is to tell her to leave me alone. I'm still in that stage where i get a little ego boost when i get a text msg from my ex, like she still cares. It's a challenge trying to exit someone who's been in your life for as long as mine has. My girl bumped me to second place when i should've been first. That's unforgivable because my heart was involved. You don't play around with people's hearts. When you find yourself feeling guilty or low, i'm going to tell you like I have to tell myself: Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option. (BTW I did steal that quote from a LS member LOL) Edited April 13, 2011 by fetish
Author confused1989 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Hey fetish good to hear from you again. Yeah I know I have to be a bit more patient. It's funny how patient I was with her yet I can't be patient with myself sometimes. I also have to realize that although things were rocky and we broke up a couple of months ago we didn't really end things all together until around the 20th of March when she told me to stop waiting on her and I then told her we shouldn't talk anymore. So I know I need to give it more time. Drawn out breakups really are the worst, especially with all the mixed messages that were involved. Makes it that much harder. If I had my time back I should have just ignored all of her "you don't love me, come on prove you love me" crap and just walked away. I would have saved myself a lot of emotional turmoil. But at the same time, I can't read minds, so I could only go with what she was showing me and she was telling me all I had to do was try a little harder and we'd work through it, but clearly she was not telling me the truth. Yes, that's a good way to look at it that your girl was selfish and manipulative and it was better to find out now instead of when you were married. Obviously I didn't go out with my girl as long as you did with yours but I'm going to have to move away for grad school eventually and she would never make any of the sacrifices or commitments to be with me anyway if she can't make any when we live 20 minutes apart. Now to think of doing a masters degree in an unfamiliar area and have her end up dumping me or things getting rocky while I was just starting out would be a nightmare for me. Even I felt like it was my duty to be there for her, to show her I loved her. But where did that get me, no where. You know what? She told me multiple times during our relationship that she knew I'd always be there for her no matter what, and she basically said she could use this to her advantage and put me on the back burner. She could make sacrifices for her friends but never for me. Why? Because relationships come and go. Friends are there forever. Yes I agree with that to an extent, but I don't think it should be as clear cut as that at all. Why not make sacrifices for both? I'm sure she got quite the scare a couple of weeks ago when she had the nerve to ask me to help her with her homework and I didn't respond. It's just her attitude that's the ****s. Overly confident yet insecure or something, I don' know how to describe it but she's shown both extremes. "You can't break up with me, that's not ever happening, if this ever ends it's going to be because I broke up with you." ..Now try hearing that from a girl you love and tell me how you feel. And that's just a sample of the emotional turmoil I have gone through. The mindgames and the contempt that she showed towards me. Anywho...... You are right. I should care about her still, I did love her afterall. I think you said that in my other thread too that she may not be as happy as she seems. If she truly did picture herself living with me, and truly did love me, then I must still cross her mind at points. And maybe this strange side I'm seeing of her is because she's at a confusing point of her life where she doesn't know herself or what she wants. And I know that her excessive drinking is likely a coping strategy which is sad I know. I just say this because over the Christmas holidays she told me she was only going to drink a couple of times this semester because she wanted to get her grades up and she joined the gym again which I loved too. ....Fastforward a couple of months later and she didn't live up to her word. She drinks just as much as before, if not more. She quit the gym too when we broke up. So I guess I have affected her in some way. I don't want her to be miserable, but I do want her to miss me and I want to realize I had an impact on her life which she isn't showing. I don't think she's headed down a good path either. She does good in school but she is sidetracked so easily. I can't name of one friend she has who is a positive influence on her. I often had to calm her down from drama with her friends and stuff during our relationship. Her friends get her thinking about orgies and being slutty, as that's the stuff they're into. None of them have boyfriends or ever did, and none of them are going anywhere in life, that I am sure of. I guess I just want to save her from all that crap. She has a lot of potential, but she defiitely doesn't have her head screwed on right sometimes. When my ex texts me I still get half of an ego boost, not going to lie, but I still ignore. She rarely texts me anyway, only to ask for something or wish me good luck on something. But I told her to leave me alone because she was turning me into a monster. I was getting frustrated after 2 months of trying to "win her back" which she told me to do. I started to feel like a different person, I started being more hostile, I was starting to hate her and myself. So I had to put my foot down. I also had strong gut feelings of being strung along. In her mind she's too good for me so she can go continue to be too good for me on her own. That's true, I really like that quote. I even told her that towards the end of our relationship, to which she didn't have an answer to. In her mind she bent over backwards for me plenty of times, I sat back and tried to think of those times for many hours and couldn't. Obviously our views are very different.
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