shellisheartbroken Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 For the past few days, I've been reading through these forums and feel like it's a safe, caring place to post my story and ask for help. First what has happened, then if you want to read the long back story, it comes after. My fiance Mark and I had been together for 4 years next week. I was out of town for my job for 3 weeks. We were talking, texting and facetiming (skype for iphones) nearly every day. Fun and loving conversations. The last time we spoke we were even talking wedding dates. He had sent me a sweet email out of the blue saying he missed me and loved me (never does that). Then after not having talked to him for a couple days, I got worried about him and sent a text asking if he was still alive. He wrote back "I'm fine". I wrote asking if he was mad or ignoring me. Later that night he texted back "just tired of all the bull****. I want out. I've decided I'm moving into the new place by myself." I wrote back asking if we could at least talk about where this was coming from saying I was confused...that we'd been lovey dovey up until then and now this out of of the blue. He wrote back "I don't want to talk". A couple of months ago, we had decided to move into a smaller townhouse in the same community just right down the street as the place we were in was just too expensive. He had already signed the lease for the smaller place. Well, jumping on a plane and going back home would've meant leaving my job. Although my crew was very understanding and asked if I wanted to, I was in a state of shock and didn't. In the meantime as awful as it may be, I have access to his bank account and personal email (he doesn't know this) so I was keeping an eye on both. I noticed that he was looking into storage units. I knew this was so he could move all my things in there while I was gone. I saw he bought $6000 of furniture because he has none of his own, everything was mine. I was beginning to get very panicked. So on 3/21, Monday morning I was getting ready to leave for the airport to fly home and received an email from him telling me that he had moved over the weekend, put all my things in storage and left the keys to the storage unit and my vehicle in the passenger seat of my vehicle in the driveway of our old place. Also said he had to put clothes from my walk-in closet in the back of my suv because he had nowhere else to put them and to leave the garage door opener outside the door of his new place asap so he could get it back to the landlord. That's it. No explanation, no i'm sorry, nothing. Got back to Pittsburgh that day and took a cab home. Went inside the house, empty. My suv, filled to the roof with clothes still on the hangers just shoved in and loose clothes packed in. I decided since the electricity and water were still on that I would stay there on the floor that night. Went to my storage unit to get a pillow and blanket and couldn't get to anything. Things were in no way organized, clothes still in my dresser were all the way in the very back of the storage unit and I couldn't get to anything. Furniture and expensive mattress not wrapped up, just sitting on the dirty floor with stuff just piled on top. So, crying mess I left and went to the store to get a pillow, blanket and headed back to the house. I kept looking out the window waiting to see him drive home from work and hoped that when he saw my suv parked different in the driveway, he'd get curious and come by. Well he drove by slow, but didn't come. I sent him a text a few minutes later saying I'd really like to see and talk to him. Nothing. An hour later, i decided to walk down to his place to try to talk to him. I rang the doorbell 4 times before he answered. He did finally and he asked what I wanted. I told him I really needed to talk to him. He said nothing to talk about. I said yes, there is, and why is he doing this. He said it doesn't matter. I said it did. I pleaded with him for us to talk, if not right now then maybe the next night. He said no, he's talked until he's blue in the face. I said I love you, we love each other...he said no we don't, I don't love you. I told him there was no way I'd beleive that, that he does, I know it. He asked where the garage door opener was and I told him I was staying at our old place because I have nowhere else to go. He said bull****, there's a hundred hotels. Finally, he told me it was over, to leave the garage door opener and he closed the door. Left the house the next day and checked into a hotel. The next week consisted of me going and sitting outside a couple of bar/restaurants that I know he goes to but never saw him. Drove by his house now and then too. Several times, I didn't see his truck there and it didn't make sense because this was late in the evening and he's always in bed by 9:30, he has a super stressful job. My girlfriends kept telling me he's probably there but his truck is in the garage. I knew this wasn't true so to prove it to myself on Monday 3/28, I drove by his house at 5:30 am. His truck was there...so was a little red car out front. I freaked out. Prayed that it was somebody visiting his neighbors. I waited down the street ( I was in a rental car because my suv was in the shop) in the driveway of our old place. An hour and a half later, that car left (couldn't see inside) then a minute later, Mark left. I was panicked and flipping out. I went back to my hotel, spent a ridiculous amount of money trying online to get a report on the license plate number of that car. Nothing. I decided to try to log into his at&t account and it worked. I saw that the day after (if the phone records are correct in date/time) he sent me the text breaking up, he texted this number. From then on, there were texts and phone calls back and forth every day. I was sick! So i got in my car that day and drove back to Indiana where my Dad is. That night, I called that number and a girl answered. Can't even tell you the heartache that came with hearing her voice. I'm sure some of you know. So from his bank records, phone records, I can see that he has contact with her everyday, several times. I moved with Mark to Pittsburgh a little over a year ago for his job. No offense to anyone that lives there but we hated it from day one. The weather, the cost of living, difficulty getting around. Just wasn't for us. So he has been having a headhunter looking for a job in the same industry but in the south (Oklahoma/Texas) where we love it. Last week on Monday, Mark sent me an email telling me the invoice for the storage unit was due (I had already paid it) and to make arrangements to get it transferred to my name. Then I saw that he sent an email to this headhunter again asking if any positions were open in the south as he'd had his fill of the Northeast and would be making a change soon. I thought this was good and that it couldn't be too serious with this girl if he's still looking to leave there. She was born there, grew up there, has family there, probably settled into a job there (I think she's in real estate). By the way I know these things because of her facebook page ( i can't see wall or photos, just profile pic and info...also did a background check). So I decided to send Mark an email. I had been working on it for days but decided that I would take the chance to respond to his email with the one I had written. I opened it nice and lighthearted. Brought up memories, my feelings for him, his feelings he's expressed for me, addressed some issues with his family and what I'd do and told him I'd always be here for him. Maybe a mistake but I've always been honest with him and even told him that I'd spent money downloading all these guides on how to get your ex back and they all say to write an email saying the same thing...that I'm okay, this was a good thing, now I'm going to take the opportunity to do all of these great things and call me sometime if you wanna chat. Told him that it was all canned bs that wasn't how I truly felt and I wasn't going to start lying to him now because that's not how i feel. Anyways, it was a good email and ending saying I hoped that I hadn't seen the last of him in my life. I also said that I wouldn't and couldn't just walk away and not fight for him, love wouldn't let me. Well, the day after that, I saw on his email that he bought 2 baseball tickets, club seats,to go see OUR st.louis cardinals play in St.louis the end of June along with 2 plane tickets for her and him. That's how I now know her name. Oh god, I just don't get any of it. I prayed and prayed that he wouldn't respond to my email in anger or hurt or maybe even at all. I know that some men don't like dealing, processing things like what I wrote in my email so I had just kinda hoped he'd keep the email, not delete it and read it now and then and think of all the good things with us. Because there really were alot. Over the weekend, he deleted the email I wrote. I don't know if he saved it to his Outlook all I know is it dissapeared from his yahoo account. So today is the girls birthday. He's taking her to Ditka's and probably going to give her the tickets. I want to drive there so badly and ruin it. 8 hour drive though doesn't make it easy. Plus I don't know anyone there or have anywhere to stay besides a hotel. And beyond all of that, it won't make any difference. It won't bring him back to me. I'm so sick, despondent, panicked, depressed, sad just to name a few. All things that so many on these boards have been through and are going through. I love him, care for him, did everything for him (learned from my Mom to take care of your man). I go back and forth between staying here in Indiana, even though it's miserable staying at my Dad's. I'm sleeping on a fold out sofa bed, have zero privacy, don't watch tv because there's one tv in the house. I leave for hours everyday and just drive and go sit in my car in parking lots. Hooked to the computer going on his email and att account allllll day long. I don't know what to do. I know many of you will respond and say what a jerk, you're better without him, who sends someone a text breaking up and puts all their things in storage while they're gone leaving them with no home. But I've heard these things from 2 of my friends who are younger and don't get it. I'm 41 years old, was in this with him for life. They haven't been through this and can't understand why I just don't pick up and move on. Love won't let me. What we were to each other and all of our memories won't let me. I feel lost without him. Yes, I know I should work on picking myself back up but as long as we are apart, I really don't think I can. Nor do I think I want to. I want him back and don't know how to make it happen. I don't understand why he's looking to leave and move away from there so badly but he's involved with this girl and buying baseball/plane tickets. What does it mean? That he's just occupying himself right now. That he's trying to forget me? That he knows what he did is so awful and cruel and he's drowning himself into someone else so he doesn't have to think about the guilt? And his anger that he showed when I went to his place that night? Is it because he's mad at himself for what he's doing to me? So here's the backstory... Mark is the twin brother of a girl (Marsha) who was my bestfriend for 16 years. Actually we were like sisters, closer than she was with her own sisters. She went through another terrible breakup I had gone through years prior and she and I had never had a fight or argument in 16 years. Well Mark had been married since before he was 21. He was married for 12-13 years and has 2 children. Now they are 15 1/2 and 8 years old. He had been unhappy for a long time in his marriage and his ex wife knew it. In January of that year he left her. He started hanging out and spending time with Marsha alot. I always spent time with her when I was home from work as well. So she and I would go out and she'd invite Mark along. Right off the bat I felt something for him. But I pushed it off, he smoked, had 2 kids, listened to country music. Not what I wanted.( I had been out of that terrible previous relationship for 3 years by this time). We all kept hanging out more often and then it just seemed as if Marsha was trying to fix Mark and I up. In May, her husband and her were going to a Cardinals game in St.Louis ( I had given them tickets and hotel as a xmas gift) and she invited me along. Told her I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel so she suggested Mark go too. I agreed and got (using my hotel points) Mark and I a 2 bedroom hotel room. We went and had a great time. He was hitting on me the entire time. The first night while I was in my bedroom and he was in his, he was texting me to come over. I turned him down. The 2nd night we all went to dinner and after we came back to the hotel, he and I sat and talked for a long time, then I gave in. Soon after we actually went on our first date, country drive watching the sunset to a little dive small town restaurant and that's when I fell in love. Fast forward a couple months later and Mark moved in with me. At that point I was renting a house a couple miles from where Marsha/husband/kids lived. Mark and I would sit on the patio and talk for hours and he was really happy with the situation that his twin sister and I were best friends and it was the perfect scenario. I met his kids a couple months after that and we got along great. Especially his daughter Shaeli and I. During all of our talks, Mark knew that I didn't want to live there long, I travel all the time, have lived all over the place (with my job I can live anywhere I want) and would eventually move. He's a small town (1 stoplight) country boy who never entertained the idea of moving away from there. Until a couple months after that when his company offered him a huge promotion and it meant moving to Oklahoma City. The day he told me he asked what I thought and said he wouldn't go without me. Well leading up to this, Mark and Marsha would text all the time and I had a gut feeling that she was saying things about me. I'd ask him and he'd say no, she doesn't have time to worry about us. She also in the beginning had said to both of us seperately that it was a little wierd for her best friend and brother to be dating so she didn't want to be involved in any of it. Wierd but oh well. So Mark and I moved to OKC. We were happier than ever, things were great. Then his kids came to visit us the next summer. Well, it was tough. We went on vacation and I listened to the kids fight and bicker and whine the entire time.And Mark didn't discipline. I had turned down 4 jobs to be with the kids during their visit and it made me angry that we spent all this money, I was losing money and the vacation was being ruined. Anyways, we got back to OKC and it came time to drive the kids back home to Illinois. Mark said I wasn't going. Things became strained. He got back though and things were fine. But Marsha and I weren't talking as much and I was getting more and more suspicious of what they would talk/text about. In September of that year I went to Dallas for a nearly month long job. A week after getting there Mark sent me an email saying that his company had promoted him again and this time he would be moving to Pittsburgh and he was going by himself.Said the promotion was happening quickly and he'd be moved by the time I got home from Dallas. Said he'd pay rent on the house we were in through December but i'd have to pay utilites and he would be getting in touch with the landlords to negotiate an early lease termination. He said that he felt like it happened for a reason and that he wanted someone to be a part of his whole life, not just a piece of it. This I think he said because things with Marsha and I were strained and the prospect of going home with him when he went wasn't a good idea. (Everytime he goes home to see his kids, he picks them up and stays at his mom's house...very uncomfortable, everyone sleeping on the floor and he's the baby so she drives him and everyone else nuts). So, I didn't call, text but sent one email in response to his asking to please not do this. The only communications he and I had after that were him cc'ing me on emails to the landlord. And also I sent him an email at one point saying he'd received some mail, where should I send it. Well right before Thanksgiving that year, I received a bbm message (blackberry messenger message) asking what I was doing. I wrote back mopping the floor, what are you doing. He wrote that he was in OKC and wanted to see me. We got together that night and it was like we hadn't missed a beat. He came over and we talked all night. I knew in my heart that he had sent that email and not broken up to my face because he really deep down didn't want to leave me. He confirmed that was the case and it was all a mistake to leave me behind and felt awful especially for how he'd done it. We made plans for me to go to Pittsburgh to visit for a couple of weeks to see if getting back together was the right thing. Well when I did,he told me that he had had high hopes for how things would be with me and his family and it wasn't panning out. Then he told me that the day he went to Marsha and told her that he was being transferred to OKC, she urged him not to take me, to just go there and find someone new and start over. Told him I didn't know if getting involved in that was right for me to do, he said he didn't care what her or any of his family thought, he wanted me. And that maybe we should just go get married right then so they'd have to accept me. During our conversation, he receieved a couple of emails from Marsha (apparently she found out we were back together) that said she'd never accept me in his life or hers, I'd never be welcome in her home, etc. Again he said he didn't care what anyone thought. So I moved to Pittsburgh. Things were good except for the fact we didn't like it there. The only issues we ever had had to do with his family and that's it. I didn't go back with him when he did. And the reason was 1)it'd be uncomfortable especially since Marsha had attempted to turn the family against me and 2) didn't want that uncomfortableness to show and lead to ruining Mark's time with his kids. I know that this is history repeating itself but in a much worse way and many of you are thinking why does she want to be with this guy. All I can say is love. I know, i mean I know he felt awful for what he did and he has to now too right? So the past few months, we had discussed marriage even more and when we'd do it. He'd go hot and cold sometimes. But lately he was much more open to discussing it. In February he said he didn't know why he didn't just go ahead and do it. At the same time he asked me to fix things with his family. I was a bit upset about that statement because I didn't break anything, Marsha did. But I told him eventually I would after he fully committed to me. Said he loved me more than anything in the world, so much it aches and I'm his partner and he wants me by his side, especially when he goes home to see his kids. So that takes us to a few weeks ago when I was gone for work. Again, our conversations were very loving, we were doing facetime, he even put the phone on my pillow so it was like we were laying next to each other in bed talking. We talked about wedding dates and all. Then a couple days go by and bam, the text breaking up. I could see that leading up to this happening there was alot of communication between him and his sister but I don't know if that has anything to do with it. He had let her know that discussing us was off limits. But who knows. And again with this new girl, there wasn't a single text or phone call until after the day he sent me the breakup text. I just don't get it. I keep praying that this headhunter will find him a job that moves him back to OKC and then I know that I'd have a chance.But what about this girl? Why, why, why??? This makes it all so much worse. I feel desperate and don't want to wake up in the morning. Just want to lay down and not wake up. I don't know what to do, where to turn, what the answer is. Don't know if I should go back to Pittsburgh and rent a short term place hoping. So hard though because I have nobody there. Being here in Indiana is painful with no privacy and I'm sure my depression is getting to my Dad.
Author shellisheartbroken Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Couple of other things. I didn't mention it but I did everything for him. Not because he asked, he didnt, but because that's how I was raised. I'd sometimes warm up his bath towel in the dryer for him in the morning, start his truck for him so it'd be toasty when he got in it to leave for work. I cheered him on through all of his trials whether it be work or his kids or his ex wife. I tried to help him help he and his ex wife to create a no conflict relationship for the sake of their kids, not many women would do that. I listened to him vent constantly about work and was just always, always there for him no matter what. He said just a couple of weeks before all of this happened that he knew he had a good thing with me because there are only 3 women in his life that put up with his crap, his daughter, mom and me. Also I didn't mention it but he has a tendency to flip flop in the snap of a finger. When his job offered to move him from okc to pit, he made a fast decision to end things. Same thing now with our lease ending and him making the decision that it's all over. He likes things simple and no relationship is. He obviously made this snap decision because things weren't bad. There was no reason to be mad or angry at me which makes me think that the anger he showed to me the night I went to his door was more about anger for himself being so awful in doing this and anger because he knows he loves me whether he wants to or not. You know? Trying to convince himself of something. I just can't believe he isn't thinking of me, doesn't care about me. You don't go from doing everything together and being lovey and expressing that love genuinely to not feeling anything right? Please someone tell me he has to be thinking of me. I know what he did to me was heartless but I know him and he does have a heart, he just fights it for whatever reason. So again, this girl turns 32 today (he's 37) and they're out at dinner right now celebrating and I'm 8 hours away feeling sick. I mean she's 32, she probably wants kids....he doesn't I know this. Is she a rebound, is he using her? He will go through the current honeymoon phase with her but it will end up that he'll begin to question it all without telling her. They'll have problems. I dont know I'm just speculating here. But I think he never got himself right after his ex- wife and what happened with me might continue until he takes time away for himself . Please help all you veterans of this board and anyone else, I love him and want him back!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (firstly, congratulations to me for having read the entire thing) Beyond that, "Mark" is a guy who simply does not respect women. and you need to assure yourself that you deserve better than that. Mark's disrespect of women leads to him partnering with women who prowl his e-mail and his bank accounts without him knowing. His pattern of just flying off the handle when he can't cope is unmistakable, and his will to always take the easy way out is too obvious to miss. Is Mark someone who was ever very good at showing you vulnerability??? or did he just like boinking you so much, that it merely felt that way. Without having any personal emotion invested in this... I can clearly see that the obvious answer is that you need to pull yourself together and accurately identify the reasons why you deserve so much more from a partner. (tell us more about your own father, and about any past serious partners you've had) I'd like to understand reasons why you've been conditioned not to understand that you deserve much better in the way of a male partner. The second time he did this tantrum-like pulling the rug out from under your home life should have sent you racing away and not looking back! We need you to resolve to quit looking back at him.
Ayla Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 congrats to me too for reading the whole thing... Firstly - please stop reading his emails and looking into his bank accounts. It is not only going to make things worse for you, but it is also an invasion of privacy. Yes, he might have treated you in a not so nice way, but if he were ever to find out - can you image what trouble that would cause? What people who think? Secondly - it appears that you have some self esteem issues. yes, look after your man, but not do everything for him so that he doesn;t have to do anything. It might seem really nice to get up and start his truck before going to work or warming up his towel before a shower - and I am sure they are nice things to do, but he needs to fend for himself. Otherwise he is going to walk all over you - which is exactly what is appears he has done. To stop that from happening you need to work on you and get your self esteem and worth up. You do deserve better - and to get there you need to love yourself and make yourself happy. A man can not do that for you - they are just a bonus.
PurpleReign Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I am not trying to be harsh. Only honest. 1. He's a spoiled child. Did his mom and sisters do everything for him up until the two of you got together? 2. Even though he is spoiled, he needs a LOVER not a MOTHER. I really do think it's a lost cause. Your basic chasing of him is only pushing him away. Leave him alone. Take care of yourself. He DOES NOT RESPECT YOU and until you learn to respect yourself and set some boundaries, not only will HE not respect you, no other man will either. A real man wants to do for YOU. Most men are turned off by someone who does everything for them. Whether they can/will admit it to themselves or to you, it makes them feel like less of a man. A man believes he doesn't/shouldn't need you. HE NEEDS YOU TO NEED HIM. I don't mean never do anything for him, but LET HIM DO THINGS FOR YOU - many more things than you do for him. HE NEEDS THIS. Look, I know it's tough. I'm going through a screwy situation myself right now (LOOONG story) but the more I think about how he treated me, the madder I am. I'm not mad at him, though. I've finally figured out that I'm mad at me for thinking so little of myself that I ALLOWED him do what he did. YOUR EX IS A COWARD. Anyone who breaks up the way he did is WEAK. EVERY TIME THINGS GET ROUGH, HE WILL RUN. QUIT ANALYZING EVERYTHING!!!! I cannot stress this enough!!! There is no reason to ever analyze a man or his behavior. Move on and learn to love yourself. No, it won't be easy, nothing worth having is, but when you get where you need to be and you look back, you'll wonder how you could have ever disliked yourself so much. A man who wants to be with you WILL DO ANYTHING to be with you. Period.
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