Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I haven't had sex with anyone since him for over the last year. I have that need and I don't want to sleep with anyone else. How do you get over your needs. Im in my late thirties and I swear I must have hit some prime because I want it bad. I want sex with him. I don't want to be just a piece. Can he be just the piece? The thought of sleeping with anyone else makes me sick. I've never been that type of person to sleep around. Self gratification isn't what I want. How do I get past this part?
Heart On Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Start dating again.Seriously.The thought makes you sick? The thought of having sex with a man who is having sex with his wife was what made me sick.I used to imagine that I was licking her off of him.Sorry if that's too graphic but in reality,that is what I was doing. What made me sick was that he acted as though he couldn't live without me,but managed quite well to do just that. Do yourself a favor Irishlove,STOP glorifying him and the sex you had with him.Realize that the BEST sex is when you are in a mutually exclusive relationship with someone you trust implicitly with someone who isn't already married. Just because we can deny that reality,doesn't mean it's the smartest nor best way to get our needs met. A year is a long time,I survived on "batteries" for the first year after my divorce and when I was ready to get involved with a man....I did and it was AWESOME SEX because the reason I was turned on wasn't because it pushed all my insecurity buttons that get me off.It wasn't because I was competing with his wife. It wasn't because I HAD to.It wasn't because I was betrayal bonded to an exploitive man.It was because finally I gave myself permission to let go of not one but two men who made me CRY,BEG.LIE for them and tolerate 100% more than I ever should have to be with them. So in the end....it's TIME to shake off your pointless loyalties to a man who can't reciprocate and get your a$$ out there again and have some FUN! You are way too young to be wasting your time on a loser! When I finally took the plunge....heart first into love and sex all I could think was............. xH and xMM WHO!!!!!!!!!!????? FYI...HE has had sex with his wife alot over the past year. Don't think that staying faithful to him means a damn thing to him, nor does he give up on his sexual needs getting met out of some sort of honor towards what he shared with you. Obviously not, or he wouldn't have cheated on his wife with you to get his needs met. Hope that wasn't too harsh but sometimes....a loving 2x4 is the only thing that get's thru the FOG. :)Peace:)
BB07 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Irish it's not just the sex you crave with him, it's the everything. You want your fix of him and that includes the sex. To try to fool yourself into believing otherwise is just foolhardy. If it was just sex you wouldn't be repulsed by having it with someone else. So I challage you to see it for what it really is......it's not just sex. Besides......doing without sex will not do you in but if this relationship with mm is hurtful to you, then the hurt and pain can have long lasting difficult to get over hurt and pain. It's not complicated.......so which do you choose? Hurtful or a better you?
Heart On Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hate to do this,but WHAT's TO MISS but the sex? The MM finally asks you to marry him...then what? Do we wait while he is at the ex's house and she is making the move? Do we then wait to see if we are being cheated on? Do we accept the flip flopping then? Do you move out of state? They built twenty years and I can't see me at any family functions because he has made me into the home wrecker by his own words. They only know what he's said. I'm sure he has said some rotten things about me when he was caught the first few times. Do I accept that? Do I really want that mental disorder in my house? Would there ever be peace? Would it always be the odd person out? He fits in with my family, I just don't fit in with his. I would NEVER talk to him the way he talked to me. If he wasn't fifty I'd punch him in the mouth for EVER saying rude comments about me to anyone. __________________ Go where you are celebrated...not tolerated
26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hi IrishLove. I have tried to deal with this in the past [badly] so maybe my experience will help . . . & it is along the same lines as Heart's advice. The first time my [now ex again] MM & I broke up, I missed so many things about him, but physical & emotional intimacy was the biggest overall thing that I missed. I didn't think I could find emotional intimacy with anyone else & I didn't even want to. For some reason I thought that I could escape physically into someone else & avoid thinking about MM. Honestly I thought that if I could find a good 'friend with benefits' with whom I could have good sex whenever I wanted, I wouldn't miss having sex with MM so much, & I could get over him more easily. Plus I was just plain lonely & I craved the company & companionship of someone else, without the commitment of a relationship, which I just wasn't ready for. Well. I never found that perfect "friend with benefits' & I didn't have nearly as good sex as I did with xMM. I think a big reason is that I was very emotionally bonded to xMM & I didn't have that connection with anyone else. No one else knew my mind, body, soul, the way that xMM did & no one else wanted to - or if they did want to, I wouldn't let them in, because I wasn't ready for that. So instead I just piled up a trail of regrets & now I'm worried about STDs & my reputation etc. It just isn't worth it [i know you are not wanting to have casual sex so this probably doesn't address your problem - just in case you're wondering though.] After that I concluded that I would never be able to find someone who fulfilled my needs like xMM did. So I thought I should give it one more shot & really give him my all & hope we could work out because I was rather desperate, thinking I wouldn't find it with anyone else ever & so I just had to be with him. I thought it meant we were supposed to be together. And even though it was just an affair to me for some time the benefits outweighed the drawbacks because I had that close connection I so wanted & was very fulfilled physically & emotionally - yes, I wanted more, a real relationship, but I had what I couldn't find elsewhere & so I wanted to hold on to it despite wanting more. Well, needless to say we didn't work out, again, & I am glad that something happened [another D-Day] to rock the boat [i knew it would, though], because what I've realized is that that 'intimacy' I felt with xMM was based on a false premise. He couldn't give me his all, he couldn't even be honest with me or be honest with other people in his life about me. How important could I really be to him, you know? Not very. It was all based on escape - I was finding myself in him just as I was trying to find him [& myself] in the other guys, all the while telling myself I wasn't ready to date seriously or have a real relationship. Well, now I'm calling BS on myself. I do want an intimate relationship based on the truth - doesn't everyone? I do deserve it. So now that I'm missing xMM again & craving our intimacy I also have the knowledge that it wasn't what I thought it was, & that's why I can't find it with anyone else. Plus, I have to be ready to find it with someone else, which I'm not. So I've decided to take a dating hiatus & a sex hiatus for the next couple of months at least [which seems like a long time to me]. I am just going to concentrate on myself & aim all my love at myself, not xMM, & not in escaping him to try to find something similar with some other guy. I'm going to be honest with myself & admit that I do want a good relationship but I'm scared I'll never find it. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't get myself ready to go look, & not settle for anything less. You may be at the point where you need to make yourself date even if you're not ready? Or just stay on your own & realize that you're not ready but that you do eventually want the Real Thing, not with xMM but with someone who can give you what you deserve. I know it sounds weird but try to create that intimacy with yourself- do things you enjoy, just for you, & think about all the things you love about yourself & also try to improve on the things that are lacking - just like you would do in a relationship, except just for you. One thing I've realized is that I don't need xMM or any man to be happy - I need to be happy all on my own. And I certainly don't need a relationship which brings me pain, & neither do you, no matter how intimate some parts of it are at times. Overall it's destructive & so you just have to focus on yourself & what you truly want & in time I think [hope, for both our sakes!] that it will come. Good luck IrishLove.
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 fBS here...and I am trying to help. He is having sex with his wife. He never stopped. No matter what he told you. Did he get up from your bed and shower before he went home so she would never smell you on him? Because he always showered before he went out to his "business meetings" so you would never smell or taste me on him. Did he wash his car constantly so she would never find traces of you in it? But told you it was to take you out in? Did he cancel plans with you for some trumped up reason at the very last minute, leaving you sad and lonely and disappointed once again? It was because I called him and asked him to come home; come meet me and friends; come be with us, his family. I know you are in pain, but are you good and angry now? You should be. The face, facade, personna he showed to his OW is nothing like the real man I know. Why? Because he became whomever she wanted him to be to get his needs for attention, flattery and validation and sex met. Please, you can do better! And what you are missing is an illusion, a ghost fueled by the very same endorphins of addiction that substance abusers wrestle with. How do you envision your life in one to two years? Happy? Fulfilled? How do you plan to get there? Waiting for a man who has already disappointed you numerous times, and will continue to do so in the future? I'm with Heart ON....get some batteries and think on YOU and what YOU need to do to have that bright and glorious future!
Author Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Hate to do this,but WHAT's TO MISS but the sex? What you highlighted that I typed had nothing to do with the physical sex I'm speaking about.
Author Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 fBS here...and I am trying to help. He is having sex with his wife. He never stopped. No matter what he told you. Did he get up from your bed and shower before he went home so she would never smell you on him? No, he hasn't lived with her. Because he always showered before he went out to his "business meetings" so you would never smell or taste me on him. again, no Did he wash his car constantly so she would never find traces of you in it? But told you it was to take you out in? no Did he cancel plans with you for some trumped up reason at the very last minute, leaving you sad and lonely and disappointed once again? ? It was because I called him and asked him to come home; come meet me and friends; come be with us, his family. He always told me when he had to go be with his family...grandchildren, sons, daughters. I know you are in pain, but are you good and angry now? You should be. The face, facade, personna he showed to his OW is nothing like the real man I know. Why? Because he became whomever she wanted him to be to get his needs for attention, flattery and validation and sex met.She would not have sex with him. His wife told me herself she does not like sex or intimacy. She will do it if she HAS to but would rather not. Please, you can do better! And what you are missing is an illusion, a ghost fueled by the very same endorphins of addiction that substance abusers wrestle with. How do you envision your life in one to two years? Happy? Fulfilled? How do you plan to get there? Waiting for a man who has already disappointed you numerous times, and will continue to do so in the future? No, I did at one point. I'm with Heart ON....get some batteries and think on YOU and what YOU need to do to have that bright and glorious future! Girls I was on a seven year hiatis. I refuse to go that long again. I loved when we lived together and could romp around as we pleased. I miss it. I know he's gone. It just really sucks.
BB07 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I'm confused.......if you take out the fact that your mm was separated/married which ever it was, then you've still got yourself a cold cruel man who is not good for you, right?
Author Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 I'm confused.......if you take out the fact that your mm was separated/married which ever it was, then you've still got yourself a cold cruel man who is not good for you, right? Yes true. He is very confused. He would like to have his business but me in his wifes place and he would be a happy man. I know he doesn't want to be with her. It's all confusing to both of us however it doesn't give him a right to treat me the way he does and like I said I have to remember the bad things he has said.
ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Yes true. He is very confused. He would like to have his business but me in his wifes place and he would be a happy man. I know he doesn't want to be with her. It's all confusing to both of us however it doesn't give him a right to treat me the way he does and like I said I have to remember the bad things he has said. THIS and a whole lot of anger will help get you over him. The next single man will hit you when you least expect it. When you feel healthier. Hang in there!!!!
Author Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 He just text me and said "My feelings have changed and I thought you were the answer. I need to focus on my wife, I owe her that. I'm sorry I hurt everyone. It was me being selfish. Take care" I wrote back "tell me in person"
ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 He just text me and said "My feelings have changed and I thought you were the answer. I need to focus on my wife, I owe her that. I'm sorry I hurt everyone. It was me being selfish. Take care" I wrote back "tell me in person" Well at least he owned up to that statement. Sheesh. I hope you find someone that erases this jacka** from your memory.
Author Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Well at least he owned up to that statement. Sheesh. I hope you find someone that erases this jacka** from your memory. Me too. I told him he was a coward and a liar.
BB07 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Me too. I told him he was a coward and a liar. That's a given when someone gets into an affair.
Gotti25 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I think your delusional. You need to get laid by someone else womenn stop being soo insecure!! This is why your overeacting no sex for months wanting sex with this basterd wtf if wrong with you? Are you that desperate to go out and get laid.
Hazyhead Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Jeez, this guy is a sickening manipulator. Irish, move on. Move away from this azzclown. You're only in your late thirties - don't waste your time on him, you deserve better, and will get it if you open yourself up to it (no pun intended ) and let him go. You have received excellent advice on this thread; I hope you act on it.
Author Irishlove Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Jeez, this guy is a sickening manipulator. Irish, move on. Move away from this azzclown. You're only in your late thirties - don't waste your time on him, you deserve better, and will get it if you open yourself up to it (no pun intended ) and let him go. You have received excellent advice on this thread; I hope you act on it. azzclown. lmao. Love it. It's over. Him and I talked. I have no idea what the poster above you was trying to say so I will have to ignore it and not respond. I don't go out and 'get laid by strangers'. Him and I said our good-byes. They weren't mean. I'm not sad or angry. It was a year and I learned valuable lessons. I was in love with him twenty years ago and we were together. We met and were together again. Who knows, maybe twenty more he'll be old and ugly and I won't want him anymore. lol:rolleyes: I'll be ok.
Heart On Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) It's over. Him and I talked. I have no idea what the poster above you was trying to say so I will have to ignore it and not respond. I don't go out and 'get laid by strangers'. Him and I said our good-byes. They weren't mean. I'm not sad or angry. It was a year and I learned valuable lessons. I was in love with him twenty years ago and we were together. We met and were together again. Who knows, maybe twenty more he'll be old and ugly and I won't want him anymore. lol:rolleyes: I'll be ok. Yay!!!! You certainly got your head around this fast! Today is the first day of the rest of your new life. What do you want to do with it? I found my awesome guy on www.plentyoffish.com But watch out.....Only men with dicks lie! lol Edited April 14, 2011 by Heart On
Author Irishlove Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 I don't need to go out and get laid. The sex with him was yummy. I don't plan on having sex with him or anyone. It's not something I take lightly. I can have my pick, I'll wait...even if it's a few more years. I'm ok.
Flabbergaster Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Is it possible your disgust at other men and desire for sex w/him is a subconscious thing? The part of you that wants back together acting up? When we were in LC and 'headed towards goodbye' I always knew when xOW was having moments where she was thinking we could work it out; a day or so after those moments she would talk sex. I would be willing to bet money that if you found yourself in the situation that clothes were about to fall off (with a different man), you would not feel so much disgust for anyone but him. A year is a long time. Go date for the conversation, see if anything happens along the way. Worst thing that can happen is boring conversation. If you do get to a point to be intimate again...even if the new guy isn't as good, you'll still enjoy it more than you think you will. What's the saying, "good sex is very good, and bad sex is pretty good, as well."
Heart On Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I don't need to go out and get laid. The sex with him was yummy. I don't plan on having sex with him or anyone. It's not something I take lightly. I can have my pick, I'll wait...even if it's a few more years. I'm ok. That's just sad.I don't advocate getting laid at all.I take sex and emotional connetions VERY seriously.The sex with him is over now,and if it as yummy it's because it was FORBIDDEN. If you want to waste more of your precious time glorifying this a-hole,be my guest,but waiting a few more years is truly crazy. Haven't you waited long enough to be with a man who can be with you fully? Don't cut off your 'nose" to spite your face!~ I have to say,it seems you have not gotten your head around this at all yet.
Author Irishlove Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Is it possible your disgust at other men and desire for sex w/him is a subconscious thing? The part of you that wants back together acting up? When we were in LC and 'headed towards goodbye' I always knew when xOW was having moments where she was thinking we could work it out; a day or so after those moments she would talk sex. I would be willing to bet money that if you found yourself in the situation that clothes were about to fall off (with a different man), you would not feel so much disgust for anyone but him. A year is a long time. Go date for the conversation, see if anything happens along the way. Worst thing that can happen is boring conversation. If you do get to a point to be intimate again...even if the new guy isn't as good, you'll still enjoy it more than you think you will. What's the saying, "good sex is very good, and bad sex is pretty good, as well." Where are you getting I'm disgusted at men? If a good one comes along that's great. I just don't jump in bed with guys like it's no big deal. Somewhere you are misunderstanding.
Author Irishlove Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 That's just sad.I don't advocate getting laid at all.I take sex and emotional connetions VERY seriously.The sex with him is over now,and if it as yummy it's because it was FORBIDDEN. If you want to waste more of your precious time glorifying this a-hole,be my guest,but waiting a few more years is truly crazy. Haven't you waited long enough to be with a man who can be with you fully? Don't cut off your 'nose" to spite your face!~ I have to say,it seems you have not gotten your head around this at all yet. I was just making a statement that the sex was good with him and it wasn't forbidden because we lived together. I'm not waiting a few more years to get over him or anything. It just takes me a while to find a guy get in a serious relationship and then have sex. I can go years if that's how long it takes to find a great guy is what I was saying. It was nice having it while it was there.
Flabbergaster Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Where are you getting I'm disgusted at men? If a good one comes along that's great. I just don't jump in bed with guys like it's no big deal. Somewhere you are misunderstanding. Your first post said "The thought of sleeping with anyone else makes me sick." Sorry, I must have misunderstood. I thought you were saying you had no physical desire and were sickened by the idea of sex itself with someone other than him. Now I think perhaps you were saying you don't consider it to be an option simply because you don't want to be someone who engages in casual sex; that the concept of casual sex is what you find sickening.
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