lovelylisa Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) I am having a hard time moving on from my ex. We broke up a little over a year ago. Right after we broke up I rebounded to a guy who was involved with another girl. After I had this other guy all to myself, I ended things with him and went back to my ex. We were never close to being in another relationship with eachother again, and the only way he would hang out with me is if I would pay for hotel rooms so we could hook up for the weekend. He then moved away and is now not texting or calling me. Absolutely no contact with me. Even though I text him all the time. Our relationship before we broke up wasn't a great one. But I felt a sense of security and "love" even though he didn't love me. He would say he loved me physically and would say he will never find a physical connection with anyone else like the one that we had together, but he would always tear apart my character and call me "fake" and "superficial" He would make me feel like I was the worst person in the world, but then we would hook up and I would feel like everything is better. We were only official for 7 months but before and after that we would hook up and it was complicated. When we were first hooking up in the beginning, 3 months in, I went to define the relationship with him and he told me that his ex girlfriend was 5 months pregnant with his baby. He would still have sex with me and was always with me even though his ex girlfriend was pregnant. After we broke up, and were still talking he said that he hooked up with someone else but did not have sex with her. I found out a few months after him and I hooked up again that he did infact have sex with her and even had her come visit him across the other side of the country (where he moved to) I feel like there is a movie replaying in my head of him about all our good times we shared together and I feel like the bad times are hard to remember. He clearly doesn't love me, or see a future with me, and even though I know this, it is STILL hard for me to move on. I can't stop texting him, checking his facebook, twitter etc. I have put him on a pedestal and even though I have written a list of his bad qualities, I still see him as someone I want, because of the way he treated me when we were together. He would always make himself seem like he had a great character and would tell me how crappy my character was. He would also tell ME I have narcissm. I feel like I will never find anyone else who I am physically attracted to. I compare every guy I go out with to him. Will this feeling ever pass? What steps do I need to take to find love with someone else? Someone who truly loves me who I am attracted to? Edited April 12, 2011 by lovelylisa
geegirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) ...the only way he would hang out with me is if I would pay for hotel rooms so we could hook up for the weekend. Read this again. What would you tell your sister or a friend if they told you that their bf would only see them is if they paid for a hotel room? Would you tell your sister or your friend that they were being used for only one thing? Would you tell your sister or your friend that they were being disrespected? How do you feel about it? Our relationship before we broke up wasn't a great one. But I felt a sense of security and "love" even though he didn't love me. He didn't love you but you felt a sense of security and love? I believe you created an illusion in your mind and in your heart because you wanted to be loved by this man so much. You wanted that illusion so badly that you made yourself believe that you were loved and that you felt secure. He would say he loved me physically and would say he will never find a physical connection with anyone else like the one that we had together, but he would always tear apart my character and call me "fake" and "superficial" He would make me feel like I was the worst person in the world, but then we would hook up and I would feel like everything is better. He said he loved you physically. He could have said it a million times and it would have not meant a thing. Words are cheap. In fact they are free. What were his ACTIONS showing you? Tearing you down and breaking you into pieces is love? You mistake abuse for love. Your self- esteem has taken a beating that you can't tell the difference between love and abuse. The more intense the abuse, the more you qualify it as love. He projects his flaws on you so that he looks like the good guy because he knows at this point you're so hooked that you can't see up from down. I feel like there is a movie replaying in my head of him about all our good times we shared together and I feel like the bad times are hard to remember. Good times are always easier to remember. It stays in the forefront of your brain. Bad times are painful so you tuck them as far away as possible not wanting to access them. Write down all that was bad about this R. Write it down and read it when you feel yourself fantasizing about the R and what you thought was the man you loved. He lies, cheats, abuses and uses. THIS IS WHO HE IS. HE IS SHOWING YOU WHO HE IS WHEN HE LIES, CHEATS AND MANIPULATES. I can't stop texting him, checking his facebook, twitter etc. I have put him on a pedestal and even though I have written a list of his bad qualities, I still see him as someone I want, because of the way he treated me when we were together. He would always make himself seem like he had a great character and would tell me how crappy my character was. He would also tell ME I have narcissm. Stop texting him and checking his FB. Please, get your dignity back. If anything, show him that you have self-respect. Right now, he has no respect for you because you have shown him time and time again that you are willing be a doormat and take whatever abuse he dishes out. Narcissists project their flaws on their partners because it makes them look perfect while you look flawed. If they accuse you of cheating it is more likely they are cheating. If they accuse you of manipulation it is more likely they are the manipulators. When in a relationship like this, it's even harder to get your senses straight because you've been manipulated and twisted around to the point of losing yourself and not knowing what's right and wrong anymore. I was in a similar situation. But you can get out of it, if you choose to. I feel like I will never find anyone else who I am physically attracted to. I compare every guy I go out with to him. Will this feeling ever pass? What steps do I need to take to find love with someone else? Someone who truly loves me who I am attracted to That's what I said after my break up too. But I believe this is the least of your problems. You should try to get into therapy and seek help to build yourself up again. You can't tell the difference between love and abuse right now. Getting yourself involved with another man is only going to cause your more harm because you can't see and think clearly. You need to take some time off men, start to focus on you, learn to love yourself. Someone who truly loves you will come to you in time. Now is not the right time for you to be focused on that. While you are hurt this way, there's is a strong chance that you may attract someone who can easily spot a vulnerable target. And while you are trying to fill a void, you may choose an unhealthy partner to fill that void because you're not emotionally and mentally secure. A man should not complete you. A man should be a bonus to your already complete and full life. He is not what fills you. He adds to you. If you want to be loved and if you want to find healthy love, love yourself first. Because right now, there is nothing you can give another person. And you may end up making bad choices at this time because your radar is off. If you want to heal and come away from this, you have to make a conscious effort to do the work. Get to the gym. Join a social club. Get intouch with your passions. Take a class. Go to school. Go out and make friends. Join a book club. Find a cause that is close to your heart and volunteer. Fill yourself up with things that define you. He does not dedine you. Stop communicating with him. Think with your brain and not with your heart. Counter those heartful thoughts with rationale and logic when you feel you are slipping. Read your lists of what a jerk he is. Find a therapist. You must make a conscious effort FOR YOU. Edited April 12, 2011 by geegirl
Beeotch Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) You don't need to look for love with someone else....you need to work on yourself. Yes that feeling of wanting your ex and obsessing over him will pass once you turn the flashlight on YOURSELF and start worrying about how you can grow. That's when I started getting more and more over my ex....when I decided to use all that energy for checking up on him to self-discover. GREATEST thing I ever did! You rebounded after your ex, paid for hotels so you could hook up when that was the only way he would hang with you, text him all the time although he moved away and ignores you, now you want someone else. You need to acquire a deep self love and peace of mind within yourself before looking for someone new. Relationships show us a lot about ourselves, the good, bad and the ugly and when they end, the best thing we can do to be better in the future is to work on the bad and ugly things we saw and strengthen the good NOT chasing after another person to fill a gap they can never fill... It's like an addiction really. Chasing high after high that can never alleviate your core issues. So no matter how many drugs, food, or boyfriends you have, it will never stop. You clearly miss your ex because of how he made you feel....you said it. Many people do. Not realizing they don't miss the person or the relationship was not that great but they just need someone else to make them feel good. It's a bad place to be in because it NEVER stops. No matter who you date...you can't pretend to have self love and peace of mind...so sooner or later the lack of that contentment within yourself will come through. Work on YOU! Then naturally you will draw to you someone who can appreciate that...otherwise you'll continue attracting people who don't love you, who you have to chase because you don't love yourself so they treat you exactly like that. True words. Edited April 12, 2011 by Beeotch
Author lovelylisa Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Thank you both so much for your great replies. Hearing what you both had to say has opened up my eyes to the reality of the situation. I am booked in with a therapist and am on a diet from men until I figure myself out. I will come back and update you!
Hopeless Girl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Seriously?? U only love him cause he says the bad things u think about urself... so u maybe narcicist.. only if its to an extreme its considered wrong.. but i have a friend who is a girl who is a total narcicist and she admits it but she had the greatest self esteem ever not in a bad manner... she accepts who she is... but thats not the point.... we all have "bad" qualities or things other people dont stand... if u loved urself u would not let him treat u like that... yes we can learn to modify things but some things we cannot change ... hes an idiot/ ashole for not loving u for who u are ..but treating u like ur nothing.... i think u love the fact he can point those flaws u have about u cause it makes him seem like he knows u and u buy it cause u have a low self esteem.. but treating u like that... FORGET HIM! yet its so easy for him to say those awful thingsss and then hook up with u and say i love u to make u think he accepts the way u are and to keep u on a leash MEN...
Beeotch Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Thank you both so much for your great replies. Hearing what you both had to say has opened up my eyes to the reality of the situation. I am booked in with a therapist and am on a diet from men until I figure myself out. I will come back and update you! Goodluck! Can't wait for the update!
Author lovelylisa Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 What are some ways I can become the girl who doesn't let guys treat her that way? I keep thinking that it was my fault that this happened between us because I let him treat me like that... And that he won't treat other girls he dates like that because they have better self esteem and don't take his crap.
Beeotch Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 What are some ways I can become the girl who doesn't let guys treat her that way? I keep thinking that it was my fault that this happened between us because I let him treat me like that... And that he won't treat other girls he dates like that because they have better self esteem and don't take his crap. This is true... But you don't need to blame yourself....just be aware. It's not something you can fix overnight....it's a process of self discovery. For me....I got in touch with my spiritual side more, I read sooooooooo many books and articles that dealt with issues I felt I was facing, meditated, prayed and just became conscious of my feelings and made an intention to change things. This took me well over 2 years and I am still a work in progress....you never stop.,....it's a lifelong process. I can post some inspirational things that helped me that may help you so you can start your own journey of self discovery. Ask yourself questions about things you don't like in your life, Google stuff about loving yourself and self esteem, join a group, you can even find a counselor as sometimes we need someone else to speak to to help us begin to understand ourselves, ask a good friend for some feedback. I'll PM you tomorrow or post in the thread some things that helped me.
geegirl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 What are some ways I can become the girl who doesn't let guys treat her that way? I keep thinking that it was my fault that this happened between us because I let him treat me like that... And that he won't treat other girls he dates like that because they have better self esteem and don't take his crap. You do have to take accountability for allowing him to treat you that way. You teach people how to treat you. Most likely he will treat others the same way but it will all depend on who will take his bs and who will tell him to go fly a kite. You must work on building your confidence and loving yourself. It's a long journey. I'm going to make a wild guess that there were probably issues in your childhood or past that have contributed to your self-esteem issues. Those wounds can haunt you for a long time. But you can fix it. I started going to therapy. And you have to find one that fits you. One who makes you do the work. Not one that sits there and just listens. You will be able to tell if he/she fits you or not. Read self-help books and don't just read them and put them away, keep going back to them. It's almost as is you are brainwashing yourself and adding new positive thoughts. Meditation is amazing. Just 20 minutes in silence. Buy a book on meditation and make an effort to do it everyday. If you are religious, pray. You won't believe how it heals the soul. Do you workout? When you start getting fit and start looking great, it will help build your confidence. Physically and mentally you will start to see a change. You will be more alert, you will feel strong minded, you will have more energy and it will all create positive feelings in YOU. Do you have hobbies? Cultivate your inner passions and that in turn develops who you are as a person. You deem yourself as nothing if you don't have a man to define you. Change that. Do you have a cause that you are passionate about? Volunteer. You will have a different perspective on life when you involve yourself in causes for the under priviliged. Write a list of things that are wonderful about yourself. Write 10 things. And everyday, read them out loud. Positive affirmations about yourself will help you start to believe what you are and what you mean to you. Go on the internet and google articles about boosting your self-esteem. It's a long process. Like Beeotch said, it's a process of self-discovery and it won't happen overnight. But you must not give up. You must invest time in yourself. Take a long break from dating. As my therapist will always say, "YOU are in a relationship with YOU." Give yourself a chance. Men can wait. Start a plan for yourself. What interests you in life? What goals do you want to achieve? Think about these things because the focus is on you and no one else. When you start putting yourself first, your needs, wants, aspirations, etc. you begin to learn to love yourself.
Author lovelylisa Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 That would great... I look forward to it!
Rose T Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 You don't need to look for love with someone else....you need to work on yourself. Yes that feeling of wanting your ex and obsessing over him will pass once you turn the flashlight on YOURSELF and start worrying about how you can grow. That's when I started getting more and more over my ex....when I decided to use all that energy for checking up on him to self-discover. GREATEST thing I ever did! You rebounded after your ex, paid for hotels so you could hook up when that was the only way he would hang with you, text him all the time although he moved away and ignores you, now you want someone else. You need to acquire a deep self love and peace of mind within yourself before looking for someone new. Relationships show us a lot about ourselves, the good, bad and the ugly and when they end, the best thing we can do to be better in the future is to work on the bad and ugly things we saw and strengthen the good NOT chasing after another person to fill a gap they can never fill... It's like an addiction really. Chasing high after high that can never alleviate your core issues. So no matter how many drugs, food, or boyfriends you have, it will never stop. You clearly miss your ex because of how he made you feel....you said it. Many people do. Not realizing they don't miss the person or the relationship was not that great but they just need someone else to make them feel good. It's a bad place to be in because it NEVER stops. No matter who you date...you can't pretend to have self love and peace of mind...so sooner or later the lack of that contentment within yourself will come through. Work on YOU! Then naturally you will draw to you someone who can appreciate that...otherwise you'll continue attracting people who don't love you, who you have to chase because you don't love yourself so they treat you exactly like that. True words. This is a fantastic answer from the Beeotch and completely reflects my recent experiences! Working on yourself is a much better project than trying to judge or fix a broken ex. It really is the way to a much happier life, single or in a relationship. OP, your bright new future starts here.
EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Thank you! What is OP? I means Original Poster. Or Original Post depending on the context. In other words, you!
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