SadDazedConfused Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 So, I'd like people to weigh in on my question. If you read my previous post, "Do I Confess Now", you'll know that my husband and I both had affairs on each other. I had mine a number of years ago, and he had his afterward without knowing about mine. When I decided that I finally needed to tell him, and posted my situation on the forum here, I was bashed to pieces for how I had treated him, how I had kept the truth from him, and how he needed to just divorce me and find someone else. THEN, when it came out that he had cheated on me also, things took a turn and people seemed to not feel so harshly toward me. Almost like since he did it too, what I did was less bad. I guess given all that, it makes me feel like that is the line of thinking of many people...Me cheating is bad, him cheating is equally bad. Add them together and they balance each other out? That neither of us should be holding it against the other for cheating, because we did it ourselves?
KikiW Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 On one hand, yes, you each betrayed each other equally - it wasn't like he found out and had a revenge affair (not that that is a good thing either, but you know what I mean). There are always going to be people here who are going to bash you no matter what - they see things as very black and white. There are those who may temper their judgments because of what your husband did. I'm betting there are a few people out there who lay blame 100% at your feet, or 100% at your husband's feet, simply because of whatever gender they feel is at fault for everything bad in the world. My personal opinion is that you should BOTH be holding it against each other equally, and that in order to get to a point where you can BOTH move past it, you BOTH need to do some counseling - IC and MC. Until you can each deal with the betrayal of the other, there will be resentments. Sure it might be slightly lessened sue to feeling guilt and hypocritical over your own affairs, but the feelings are still there, simmering.
ver13 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 IMO one bad deed doe's not cancel out the other I read your story and I saw that you both made mistakes. No matter who was first the outcome is still the same in the end. Now that it has all come out you both have to stand up for what you did to the M or stand down and let it all drift away. I know that he never trusted you after he confronted you early on in the M about some of your activities. But that didn't give him the right to cheat on you, he should have left you instead if he felt so strongly about it. Now both of you have to do some searching to see where you plan to let all of this distrust take you and your family.
What_Next Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Well cheating, no matter how you slice it is a zero sum game. I can relate my own case. My marriage was on a downward slope no question, the situation was rotten. My wife decided to cheat. That decision is HERS. It'll never EVER be anyone elses but hers. Just like your decision to cheat was yours, and yours alone. Immeadiately after d-day (well before D-day itself I had already been using dating sites as I all but knew she was cheating) I went out and had a revenge affair. That decision was MINE. It was mine alone. Does my action "cancel out" hers? Does it minimize it? No, of course not. Both of the actions that WE took are our own. This is not some sort of game of "who cheats first". Almost any cheater that comes on here will get their fair share of posters coming at them. Most of it comes from their own experiences of being cheated on and the severe pain that comes from it. Some never recover from it and become angry and want to lash out at anyone and everyone. That's on them. You also need to try and remove yourself a little in terms of not taking it personal. These people don't know you personally, never will in all likelihood they are just lashing out at an anonymous poster on a board, if it gets to you, then ignore their posts or develop a think skin. This concept of "evening out" disturbs me to no end. Hurt it hurt, pure and simple.
ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Well cheating, no matter how you slice it is a zero sum game. I can relate my own case. My marriage was on a downward slope no question, the situation was rotten. My wife decided to cheat. That decision is HERS. It'll never EVER be anyone elses but hers. Just like your decision to cheat was yours, and yours alone. Immeadiately after d-day (well before D-day itself I had already been using dating sites as I all but knew she was cheating) I went out and had a revenge affair. That decision was MINE. It was mine alone. Does my action "cancel out" hers? Does it minimize it? No, of course not. Both of the actions that WE took are our own. This is not some sort of game of "who cheats first". Almost any cheater that comes on here will get their fair share of posters coming at them. Most of it comes from their own experiences of being cheated on and the severe pain that comes from it. Some never recover from it and become angry and want to lash out at anyone and everyone. That's on them. You also need to try and remove yourself a little in terms of not taking it personal. These people don't know you personally, never will in all likelihood they are just lashing out at an anonymous poster on a board, if it gets to you, then ignore their posts or develop a think skin. This concept of "evening out" disturbs me to no end. Hurt it hurt, pure and simple. Great post What_Next. The "evening out" concept disturbs me as well and I'm guilty of it. I am not excusing my behavior, but what it felt like at the time I did it was out of sheer anguish. Like a crime of passion. It was horrific what I did. I still cannot believe I did it, almost like an alternate person. It just is not like me to do what I did. It is never a good idea to react with revenge. I wish I would have left...anything...but do what I did. I can't take it back now. So so bad.
datura_noir Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I think one should always go with their personal boundaries and not define their terms on what the other is or has done. It just makes you have a healthier perspective on things when you do this. Revenge affairs are not the answer; they are a temporary band-aid that causes massive bleeding from the relationship. Be true to yourself and you will always come out ahead.
TMCM Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) People initially flamed you because you admitted holding vital information from your husband for many years. The toxic secret of your marital infidelities caused a sexual rift between you and your husband which in turn created a marital environment that helped your husband cross the line and chose to have two affairs of his own. Don't get me wrong, his affairs are just as wrong as yours. If he was here posting, I seriously doubt that he would have been treated any differently than you were. Edited April 13, 2011 by TMCM edit
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