Is this just an irreconcilable difference?

[stace79]

I'm seeing my ex-boyfriend lately because we still are in love with one another after a nearly six month break up. When we are together, it is great. We spend most of the weekend together hanging out at the beach, having dinner, watching movies/sports and just talking. I can tell that both of us are much different people than we were six months ago - more willing to compromise and work together to make each other feel important and loved.

 

But, we had a conversation last night and I just wonder if it's an irreconcilable difference. My ex has never been much for making other male buddies/friends. He most often talks to women. He does not sleep around and is not what I would call a player. I think he has a bit of low self-esteem, and that he likes the attention he gets from female friends.

 

I have typically gotten along better with male friends myself. However, if I have a relationship or serious commitment to someone, I just no longer feel it's appropriate to be having lunches or drinks with single male friends.

 

My opinion is that once I'm committed to a man, I want to avoid any development of feelings that have even a remote possibility of harming my relationship. My relationship becomes my most important treasure, and I want to protect it as much as I can.

 

Rather than start "liking" or falling in love with one of my good male friends, and then being "torn between two people" I feel you should nip it in the bud before it even starts.

 

So, my dilemma is this: my ex says he would cease communication with girls he has dated if I insisted on it and it made me feel insecure. But he still feels strongly that he should be "allowed" to have and make new female friends that he might get coffee or lunch with, and that I should just trust him.

 

What's everybody think?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm seeing my ex-boyfriend lately because we still are in love with one another after a nearly six month break up. When we are together, it is great. We spend most of the weekend together hanging out at the beach, having dinner, watching movies/sports and just talking. I can tell that both of us are much different people than we were six months ago - more willing to compromise and work together to make each other feel important and loved.

 

But, we had a conversation last night and I just wonder if it's an irreconcilable difference. My ex has never been much for making other male buddies/friends. He most often talks to women. He does not sleep around and is not what I would call a player. I think he has a bit of low self-esteem, and that he likes the attention he gets from female friends.

 

I have typically gotten along better with male friends myself. However, if I have a relationship or serious commitment to someone, I just no longer feel it's appropriate to be having lunches or drinks with single male friends.

 

My opinion is that once I'm committed to a man, I want to avoid any development of feelings that have even a remote possibility of harming my relationship. My relationship becomes my most important treasure, and I want to protect it as much as I can.

 

Rather than start "liking" or falling in love with one of my good male friends, and then being "torn between two people" I feel you should nip it in the bud before it even starts.

 

So, my dilemma is this: my ex says he would cease communication with girls he has dated if I insisted on it and it made me feel insecure. But he still feels strongly that he should be "allowed" to have and make new female friends that he might get coffee or lunch with, and that I should just trust him.

 

What's everybody think?

 

 

The only reason men have any interesting in 'befriending' women (outside of work, family or community necessity) is when those men perceive themselves to be in line for their romantic affection.

 

And when it is someone he has already 'boinked'... definitely put your foot down.

[stace79]

The only reason men have any interesting in 'befriending' women (outside of work, family or community necessity) is when those men perceive themselves to be in line for their romantic affection.

 

And when it is someone he has already 'boinked'... definitely put your foot down.

 

He has said he would understand not seeing women he's dated in person, but he asked is it awful if they send him a text, email or occasional IM. I still don't really like it.

 

I don't stay in touch with my exes, so I don't understand why he wants to. It makes me feel as if he is keeping other doors open just in case we don't work out. And, he's really always been this way.

 

I think we need to discuss this particular issue with a counselor, because it's touchy on both sides. He sometimes views it as me just being controlling; I view it as him not committing 100% to the relationship.

[Enchanted Girl]

Don't commit to someone more than they'll commit to you. That's a rule I live by and sometimes when you do to them the same things they are doing to you (leading other guys on for instance and flirting and keeping them on the sidelines and meeting then for lunches), they'll realize what they are doing and stop if it means that you will stop as well.

 

My ex wanted us to have an open relationship and said he'd feel no jealous if I had sex with another guy, but he knew I wouldn't actually do it and was just asking permission for himself to sleep with other people. When we broke-up and I did start sleeping with another guy though . . . . . he got insanely jealous to the point where he was almost psycho and started promising me that if we got back together he'd never ask for an open relationship again, but by that point it was already too late.

[stace79]

I definitely agree with many of your statements. I really don't have any insecurity about him cheating on me or wanting to sleep with other people. He's never been untrustworthy in that way.

 

I have just read a ton of articles and magazines about emotional affairs, and how when you're justifying things by saying "Oh, we're just friends" it is a slippery slope.

 

I don't ever want to come home one day and have him tell me that he fell in love with another woman because she was his "friend" and they got closer than they should have, ya know?

[zakfar]

Well, it's little difficult to answer. Both the options have some psychological reasons.

 

If you don't allow him, he will claim that you don't trust him and will think that you're being clingy on him.

 

If you allow him, you will have 'Fear' of insecurity and 'Jealousy' of some degree in your mind, even if he doesn't do anything bad.

 

The later situation seems to be bad. Personally, I don't think you're the type of woman who should go for 'Openness' in your relationship. If you don't really want it, try to explain and convince him that you would feel 'Jealousy' with that. I don't know why people avoid accepting that they feel 'Jealousy' when this is actually a response of mind for someone's affection. There is nothing wrong with that.

[stace79]

Well, it's little difficult to answer. Both the options have some psychological reasons.

 

If you don't allow him, he will claim that you don't trust him and will think that you're being clingy on him.

 

If you allow him, you will have 'Fear' of insecurity and 'Jealousy' of some degree in your mind, even if he doesn't do anything bad.

 

The later situation seems to be bad. Personally, I don't think you're the type of woman who should go for 'Openness' in your relationship. If you don't really want it, try to explain and convince him that you would feel 'Jealousy' with that. I don't know why people avoid accepting that they feel 'Jealousy' when this is actually a response of mind for someone's affection. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

 

I'm not certain I follow you, but I'd rather him be open about who his friends are - female OR male - rather than have "secret" friendships that he never tells me about.

 

I guess the other challenge for me is that I've never known that many couples who have a lot of individual opposite-sex friends outside of their relationship. Most of my friends & family who are married are like this: the woman has her "girlfriends" and the man has his "buddies", and then they have other couples as friends, too. Sometimes the "girlfriends" and the "buddies" will all get together with the "couples" and so you each have some opposite-sex "friends" that are more like acquaintances.

 

I've never seen situations where the wife has male friends (unless they are coworkers or a friend's brother or something like that) and vice versa. It just seems weird to me, and I dislike that he wants to keep in touch with girls he's dated, much less any of them he actually slept with.

 

*Note-only one of the girls he's wanting to keep in touch with now has he slept with.

[TaraMaiden]

.....

 

I have typically gotten along better with male friends myself. However, if I have a relationship or serious commitment to someone, I just no longer feel it's appropriate to be having lunches or drinks with single male friends.

 

My opinion is that once I'm committed to a man, I want to avoid any development of feelings that have even a remote possibility of harming my relationship. My relationship becomes my most important treasure, and I want to protect it as much as I can.....

 

Rather than start "liking" or falling in love with one of my good male friends, and then being "torn between two people" I feel you should nip it in the bud before it even starts.

 

.....

What's everybody think?

 

I think this smacks of a personal insecurity and a personal uneasiness about your own ability to maintain a faithful relationship with your SO.

 

I have loads of male friends, and one or two guys who have come on to me.

 

I'm telling you, even in male company, I have absolutely no doubts about my own affection for my partner, and the fact I might be tempted doesn't even ever cross my mind.

Why would it?

I am totally secure and confident in my relationship, and the thought that I might be tempted to be unfaithful is a complete no-brainer.

It's a complete non-starter.

 

The fact that you wish to basically limit your circle of friends by 50% tells me that you seem to have a fear about your own staying-power and resistance to temptation.

 

Maybe making friends together with married people might be a more secure option.

but then again, you know, a lot of married people have affairs....

 

I'm sorry, I think this restriction is a foolish concept. For both of you.

[stace79]

Hey TaraMaiden -- I completely respect your opinion, but I'm actually loyal to a fault. When I'm committed to a relationship, I just don't really have much of a desire to befriend single guys. So, I think the fact that he does - and he's always been more inclinced to have female friends - makes me nervous because I wonder if my female companionship is just not good enough, ya know?

 

He has a lot of female friends via Facebook, and I don't really have an issue with that. He sees a lot of women as part of his job in sales, and I don't really have a problem with that either.

 

It's specifically developing close friendships with a woman or women with whom he would spend time alone, for lunch or dinner or drinks or coffee or longer chats via phone/text/IM.

 

I can see how it would be very easy for even someone of extreme loyalty to start sharing parts of their life with an opposite-sex friend and suddenly realize one day that you love that person, too, in addition to your spouse.

 

There's lots of research and articles on that topic, as well. So it's really not that I don't ever want him to have contact with any other females; it's more that I don't want him to develop unnecessary intimate friendships with females other than me. Does that help at all or make more sense?

[TaraMaiden]

Hey TaraMaiden -- I completely respect your opinion, but I'm actually loyal to a fault. When I'm committed to a relationship, I just don't really have much of a desire to befriend single guys. So, I think the fact that he does - and he's always been more inclinced to have female friends - makes me nervous because I wonder if my female companionship is just not good enough, ya know?

This is YOUR insecurity, not his idiosyncrasy.

 

He has a lot of female friends via Facebook, and I don't really have an issue with that. He sees a lot of women as part of his job in sales, and I don't really have a problem with that either.

 

It's specifically developing close friendships with a woman or women with whom he would spend time alone, for lunch or dinner or drinks or coffee or longer chats via phone/text/IM.

 

I can see how it would be very easy for even someone of extreme loyalty to start sharing parts of their life with an opposite-sex friend and suddenly realize one day that you love that person, too, in addition to your spouse.

 

There's lots of research and articles on that topic, as well. So it's really not that I don't ever want him to have contact with any other females; it's more that I don't want him to develop unnecessary intimate friendships with females other than me. Does that help at all or make more sense?

Yes, but I still get the uneasy feeling that you are uncomfortable for all the wrong reasosns.

 

perhaps it would be worth your while pursuing an angle of - hey, if these women are so nice, then they must be cool people for you to link in with them. I'd love to meet them, and have them as friends.... or something along those lines.

 

you know?

If you can't beat them, join them?

 

This behaviour shows a lack of trust in him (and them) a poor self-esteem, and inadequate communication.

 

Trust, Respect and Communication are the three underpinning and indispensable factors in a relationship.

And it works towards yourself as well as with your partner.

 

You must trust that you are everything you would love to be, and have a deep and abiding Respect for yourself, above anyone else. And you must 'communicate' with yourself effectively, openly and honestly. In other words, you have to take a good look at yourself and keep asking the why questions, until you can't get any further.

 

Why is this important to me?

because I want to be the most important woman in his life.

Why?

because commitment means everything to me.

why?

because when a couple connects they owe it to each other to be monogamous

why?

because otherwise the trust is compromised

Why?

because then it shows a lack of decency and a failure to commit

why?

because the person might be wired that way, and that scares me...

why?

 

and so on.....

 

This means you can never be truly relaxed with him while this is on your mind.

And you can't establish Trust with someone if there are issues that may need addressing on both sides.....

[stace79]

This is YOUR insecurity, not his idiosyncrasy.

 

 

Yes, but I still get the uneasy feeling that you are uncomfortable for all the wrong reasosns.

 

perhaps it would be worth your while pursuing an angle of - hey, if these women are so nice, then they must be cool people for you to link in with them. I'd love to meet them, and have them as friends.... or something along those lines.

 

you know?

If you can't beat them, join them?

 

This behaviour shows a lack of trust in him (and them) a poor self-esteem, and inadequate communication.

 

Trust, Respect and Communication are the three underpinning and indispensable factors in a relationship.

And it works towards yourself as well as with your partner.

 

You must trust that you are everything you would love to be, and have a deep and abiding Respect for yourself, above anyone else. And you must 'communicate' with yourself effectively, openly and honestly. In other words, you have to take a good look at yourself and keep asking the why questions, until you can't get any further.

 

Why is this important to me?

because I want to be the most important woman in his life.

Why?

because commitment means everything to me.

why?

because when a couple connects they owe it to each other to be monogamous

why?

because otherwise the trust is compromised

Why?

because then it shows a lack of decency and a failure to commit

why?

because the person might be wired that way, and that scares me...

why?

 

and so on.....

 

This means you can never be truly relaxed with him while this is on your mind.

And you can't establish Trust with someone if there are issues that may need addressing on both sides.....

 

I would in fact be very happy if the females he is "friends" with were also my friends, too. That's the point of contention. He feels like we should both have our individual lives, which I agree with in a way, too, so that we can both enrich each other.

 

The issue is that most of his friends are female - he's always been more inclined to make friends with girls. So he somewhat insists on having female friendships that are separate from our relationship. That seems a little inappropriate to me for all the reasons you listed in your previous post.

 

Lastly, yes it is partly due to my insecurity, but he and I also agree that we should both make reasonable accommodations to make each other happy, secure and confident with one another.

[EyeJustDontKnow]

 

So, my dilemma is this: my ex says he would cease communication with girls he has dated if I insisted on it and it made me feel insecure. But he still feels strongly that he should be "allowed" to have and make new female friends that he might get coffee or lunch with, and that I should just trust him.

 

What's everybody think?

 

 

For what it's worth, and obviously I do not know you or your boyfriend so this may mean nothing. Take a look at this for my experience with "We are just friends"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272298/

 

Again, I am not saying this is ALWAYS the case, but sometimes those nagging doubts just turn out to be true.

[stace79]

For what it's worth, and obviously I do not know you or your boyfriend so this may mean nothing. Take a look at this for my experience with "We are just friends"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272298/

 

Again, I am not saying this is ALWAYS the case, but sometimes those nagging doubts just turn out to be true.

 

Thanks for sharing. I think you did the right thing by the way. I agree with some of the posters in your situation that even though the guy "friend" was being a douche, your ex should have put the nix on any talk that was inappropriate.

 

I found this article recently about "We're just friends" that really better explains how I feel. http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair/

[EyeJustDontKnow]

Thanks for sharing. I think you did the right thing by the way. I agree with some of the posters in your situation that even though the guy "friend" was being a douche, your ex should have put the nix on any talk that was inappropriate.

 

I found this article recently about "We're just friends" that really better explains how I feel. http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair/

 

Please don't take it the wrong way, I am not insinuating that your situation is the same (but I don't think you are).

 

The different opinions are interesting and just goes to show that it takes all kinds!

 

That is a very interesting article, and worth noting. I think a lot of people play with fire when they get into the "just friends" things. And believe me, it stings when you find out that your SO has been talking to them more than you....of course some people will say that is your fault (the royal you, not you!) but we could volley that back and forth all day long.

Edited April 14, 2011 by EyeJustDontKnow

[stace79]

No offense taken at all! I feel like my SO (I don't know what he is yet - not my bf but yet he calls me his girl haha) is a bit naive when it comes to interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I think he has somewhat of a black/white view of what is cheating and what is not. He doesn't necessarily see anything inherently wrong in a little flirtation banter, and while I may not call it black/white WRONG, I do see it as leading down a slippery slope. And when it comes to my relationship, I would rather err on the side of protecting the relationship from any potential harm.

 

I think he and I have agreed that we need to speak with an unbiased party (counselor) about this particular issue because it is very important to both of us and we can't seem to clarify an agreement we can both live with.