This one really felt different, not sure what happened

[hikaru]

Been a while since I posted on here, guess that's a good thing?

 

I just need to type this all out..even though I'm still going to feel like crap later. Anywho, met this great girl through Match.com. We have a billion things in common, not just interests, but outlooks on life, and from the moment we met, we just connected. It all sounds cliche even to me, but it was amazing. We were instantly comfortable with eachother, and even in moments of silence, we were happy.

 

So, we don't live too close, about an hour drive separates us. She's only 30min from my work, so I'd come by a few days a week depending on her schedule. She's completing certification to become a physical trainer, and she has a part time job on the weekends, plus she does some volunteer work during the week, and she's involved in a dance group. So she keeps busy. I can work with that, and the distance doesn't have to be permanent, since both of our living situations are temporary(I live at an apartment, she just graduated college, lives at home). So, we go along, getting excited to see eachother, staying up to late when I'd come over, just being happy.

 

Suddenly she starts having to study more and more, and at first, it isn't an issue, she's less chatty online, we don't talk as often, but when we see eachother, it's the same as it always was. Now, she made it a point to say she doesn't want to officially be in a relationship right now, because it just adds a label, and stress that she doesn't need. I respect that, as long as I had assurances of her feelings. She teased me saying "i'm the girl, I should need assurances. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, and I only want to see you". Plus when we'd spend time together she'd make it a point to always complement certain aspects of my body(she respects physical health a lot), and she'd be very physically playful. Actually, she'd be kinda violent. But she'd explain, she only does that with someone she's with, it means she likes them, since she knows they can take the pain and have fun with it. Which i did, it was fun, and it made me feel good to know that was the case.

 

So, two weeks ago wednesday, we had one of those nights. It was her time of the month, so we just did a lot of cuddling, I gave her a full body rub because the PMS was making her ache all over and she had been working out hard. She was playful, did some of the pinching and poking things, we laughed. I spent the night, and we each had a difficult time saying goodbye, like usual, I felt good, she messages me later saying she was happy I'd spent the night. I visit again Friday, she's extra crabby, and having bad cramps, so she was kinda distant from me, curled up in a fetal position where we'd normally be cuddling, but later on she felt better. We had a quiet night because she had to work in the morning, eventually we cuddled, she fell asleep on my chest, woke up, and we both agreed I should head home so she could get some sleep(she doesn't sleep well with me in the bed, since it's small, and I'm a heater).

 

So after that, she was apparently really busy all week, studying, work around the house. So we didn't talk much, I just assumed everything was fine. She asks me to call her Thursday of last week, and we chat, we flirt a little, she teases me a bunch, it seemed normal. I don't hear from her at all Friday night, though she usually calls it quits early to get sleep for work. Saturday I text her and ask her, just to be sure, "just to be sure, you're only talking to me less because you're really busy, right?"

 

I guess I didn't expect a complete 180, but she responds that she really wants to focus on her certification and doesn't want any distractions. That, and the distance, and our schedules make her think things aren't going to work. She then goes on to say "i just don't feel it"...so I assume it's those three issues that are making her not feel it. I ask why she had me come over, why she had me call..she said "i didn't know how I felt last week". I said some lame things, apologized. I've since sent her messages, she says she doesn't want to do things over the internet and we'll talk later.

 

My mind is in a recirculating loop of the same thoughts. We each admitted that this was a first for each of us. To find someone as health conscious, in shape, attractive, and someone who shared so many common interests, it was incredibly unique and new. How could she just let that go? How does someone go from being violently playful(kind of a private thing you'd only do with someone you're close to) to being ok with not ever seeing you again? She used to even say she'd sabotage my Match.com account so no one else could have me... I know I didn't set this up very well, but we did have a few weeks of talking before we met, and it was awesome. Even after we met it continued. Sorta slowed a bit, but nothing changed when we were together. Now she's ending it over logistics? If it's her studying, I can work around it. If it's her schedule, we can figure out a good time to do something, if it's distance, well, that sucks, but it doesn't have to suck forever. So obviously this wasn't as unique or important to her as she'd led me to believe, or something happened, or someone swapped her brain ala star trek and she remembers not what we shared.

 

I'm just so heartbroke, and we hardly even got a chance to develop something that could have been so freakin amazing. I'm kinda a picky person, and she met just about every one of my criteria(not to say I'm rigid) and she's now raised the bar for anyone else I meet as far as common interests, attraction, sexuality, and outlook on life. This really sucks, and to make it worse, I live alone and I only have one friend to bother about this, so I'm left to just dwell.

 

This was more of a rant. I know people have bigger problems. So, thanks for reading if you did.

 

It probably doesn't help that I'm still infatuated with her. Its not like we slowly lost interest... This just seemed to come out of nowhere while we were developing something together. This is like when I was adopting a puppy, I fostered it for a week, brought it back and then overnight they gave it away without asking me if I wanted to adopt. Hard to just forget.

Edited April 12, 2011 by hikaru

[Mrlonelyone]

I can relate to how you just feel. Women can be like that (sometimes men to yes I know).

 

It is possible that she met someone closer who's more convenient. I have seen cases where a woman would break up with one guy because his dorm room was a few steps father than an equally doable guy.

 

It's is possible that she thinks you are going in a more serious direction than what she's ready for right now. She is looking at her career and love just isn't a priority. She may really like you too much ....

 

When we decide who to like it's like there is an argument between different parts of our brains. Our neocortex where all our logic and reason and planning are done... and the older more reptile like parts of our brain. The logical brain will come up with all the reasons that a relationship won't work... and the few reasons that it should. The repile part is either horny or it isn't.

 

Seinfeld acted it out as being a chess game between his penis and his brain.

 

 

In her case her vagina lost.... She's probably very attracted to you but those things you mentioned overwhelmed that attraction. We all love romance but in real life things like "logistics" can and do end all but the most robust relationships.

[hikaru]

In her case her vagina lost.... She's probably very attracted to you but those things you mentioned overwhelmed that attraction. We all love romance but in real life things like "logistics" can and do end all but the most robust relationships.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yea, it does make some sense. I don't understand completely turning off everything though. Why not just see eachother when we can, keep some flame burning, take things slowly. Why is that simply not an option? If her schedule is a true reason, then i don't see how anyone, even someone who lives closer, could fit into her life. anyone who works a 40hr workweek typically has weekends free, whereas her part time job is on the weekends. I just don't know what the harm is in trying to make it work.

[SweetDaphne]

Hikaru - from a girls stand point. She was probably still figuring out her feelings about you when she invited you over. The beginning to any new meeting is always exciting, new, and fun.

 

She probably just realized after the first few meetings that she just didn't have feelings for you. Unfortunately it sometimes takes longer to tell. Should she have told you when she discovered this? Yes. More then likely she didn't want to hurt your feelings and had realized that you were more into her in that short time then she was into you.

 

I'm sorry for the pain she caused you, but know that you deserve someone that likes you for you, and has the same feelings for you that you do for them.

 

Take it as her loss and move on to someone better.

[hikaru]

Hikaru - from a girls stand point. She was probably still figuring out her feelings about you when she invited you over. The beginning to any new meeting is always exciting, new, and fun.

 

She probably just realized after the first few meetings that she just didn't have feelings for you. Unfortunately it sometimes takes longer to tell. Should she have told you when she discovered this? Yes. More then likely she didn't want to hurt your feelings and had realized that you were more into her in that short time then she was into you.

 

I'm sorry for the pain she caused you, but know that you deserve someone that likes you for you, and has the same feelings for you that you do for them.

 

Take it as her loss and move on to someone better.

 

A female friend of mine suggested this also. I can almost see it, but if it's true, then she's a wonderful liar. Even the last time I saw her she pronounced how good it was to be with me, and the same old stuff. We saw eachother more than a few times, but yea, maybe it took her that long to decide there was something she didn't like. Still, no one is going to be 100% flawless, she's incredibly direct and snappy, but only sometimes, and at first I was taken aback by it, but it's just part of her personality, so I came to accept it.

 

I suppose I should see it as her loss, but at the moment, I'm not really thinking that highly of myself if she's able to forget me so quickly. The other issue is that she's raised the bar for anyone else I become interested in.

[Leeway Harris]

It seemed like you were insecure about it from the beginning, asking for "assurances" and sending that text later on. Maybe you sensed something?

[hikaru]

It seemed like you were insecure about it from the beginning, asking for "assurances" and sending that text later on. Maybe you sensed something?

 

Well, my need for assurances that one time was because we had been talking about how she doesn't want to be in a 'relationship' at the moment. Either way, I talked to her. Seems the distance, schedules, and how I appeared "clingy" in like the 3rd week I knew her(we saw eachother for probably 5 weeks after that), and the fact that I sought online sources to diagnose a knee injury were things that told her her heart wasn't in it. I really don't get it. She justifies flirting and teasing with me as if nothing was wrong as her way of trying to figure out for herself if she still felt anything. She didn't call me to explain any of this, she did it in a chat. Seemed almost annoyed that she had to explain things, and seemed to not understand that I have feelings for her and they don't just go away like hers did for me. Guess it's nice to know it's over, sucky as hell, but got some really odd closure.

[Von]

Well, my need for assurances that one time was because we had been talking about how she doesn't want to be in a 'relationship' at the moment. Either way, I talked to her. Seems the distance, schedules, and how I appeared "clingy" in like the 3rd week I knew her(we saw eachother for probably 5 weeks after that), and the fact that I sought online sources to diagnose a knee injury were things that told her her heart wasn't in it. I really don't get it. She justifies flirting and teasing with me as if nothing was wrong as her way of trying to figure out for herself if she still felt anything. She didn't call me to explain any of this, she did it in a chat. Seemed almost annoyed that she had to explain things, and seemed to not understand that I have feelings for her and they don't just go away like hers did for me. Guess it's nice to know it's over, sucky as hell, but got some really odd closure.

 

I went through something similar to this recently with an online girl. But with any woman, if that switch of attraction gets turned off for you for whatever reason, it's done. Nothing you can do. The clinginess and reassurances though is a big thing. Don't ever do it. If a woman expresses doubts about your relationship or isn't ready for one, just be cool with it. Just be like "hey no problem, I'm down for something more if that develops between us, but no pressure". That will make her feel better about you. Somehow she got the impression you were too nice or wussy even though you probably aren't. Just act like a man and don't be affected by what she does. You'll keep her attraction going. Oh, and try finding women in the real world. You have a better chance of it working. Online daters will next you for the smallest things.

[hikaru]

I went through something similar to this recently with an online girl. But with any woman, if that switch of attraction gets turned off for you for whatever reason, it's done. Nothing you can do. The clinginess and reassurances though is a big thing. Don't ever do it. If a woman expresses doubts about your relationship or isn't ready for one, just be cool with it. Just be like "hey no problem, I'm down for something more if that develops between us, but no pressure". That will make her feel better about you. Somehow she got the impression you were too nice or wussy even though you probably aren't. Just act like a man and don't be affected by what she does. You'll keep her attraction going. Oh, and try finding women in the real world. You have a better chance of it working. Online daters will next you for the smallest things.

 

It's not attraction, I honestly think her logical practical self just overwhelmed her emotions. The clingly thing I would just dismiss. I was never all over her, always respected her space, and it was in fact she who would always beg me to come see her. I never told her I needed a relationship. The only thing we discussed about assurances was how it was strange for me not to have them. otherwise, I assumed our feelings were mutual, since we actually discussed them. It wasn't just me sensing her comfort, we actually talked about it. I'll probably take a break from everything for a while though. In the 'real world' I don't attend too many social scenes outside the gym, and that's likely not going to change until I get a dog.