CrazyMiner Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone! Basically around 4 weeks ago my ex girlfriend told me that she wanted to separate. It came as a real shock and seemed completely out of the blue. I'm 23 (she's 22) and we had been together permanently for 8 years. Around 6 months ago we purchased a house together and everything just seemed perfect. Apparently the catalist was that one evening about a week before we broke up she started talking online and on Skype to a guy that she used to know back home. But when I say talking, they would be speaking for hours... I was pretty unwell at the time and wanted her to come up to bed so I went down after they had been speaking for around 3 - 4 hours and asked if she was coming up. Basically we argued and she then slept in the spare room. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this guy - they haven't had any contact for at least 5 years and when we knew him then he was openly gay. My ex still tells me that he is gay but I don't know what to believe. The weirdest thing though is that after only speaking for a few nights and not having talked for years she was inviting him to visit her (this was before we broke up). I know that she did have a bit of a school girl crush on him back then... plus I've just seen some photos on FaceBook of them in a club with a few of her kissing him on the cheek (her main profile pic is now one of these). She works away most of the week (she is a Doctor) and so we didn't see each other for a few days after that argument, but when we did catch up we went for a meal and at the end she told me that she wanted to split. I was a bit taken aback obviously as she had just been to have her hair done and said on the phone she wanted to show it off to me. She then went off on a holiday that we had booked only a few weeks early (her mum lives abroad and we were going to stay with her) and I went down to visit my parents as I had already booked the time off work. I feel I should add here that trust has been an issue for a couple of years. I got very ill around 5 years ago and started talking to a guy online, just chatting away. This then turned to a sexual conversation, and she found the emails. We did stay together, but trust has always been a problem since then. I have regretted what happened ever since and apologised so many times for it... I didn't even really have feelings for what we were discussing I was just in a bad place at the time. I'm having a really difficult time at the moment. Even though it has been over a month since the separation I just can't stop thinking of anything else. I want to be back with her so badly but at the moment the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. We are trying to be friends... meeting every 10 days or so to grab some food and have a catch up. She has said quite a few times things along the lines of "perhaps in 6 months we could try it again, but it would have to be as the new people we have become not a repeat of the old us" and that she "will always love me, but isn't 'in love' with me at the moment - I just don't know what to make of those sorts of statements, is that her trying to let me down gently or could she perhaps just have itchy feet? I mean, because we were a couple from a young age she/we never had the opportunity to be 'young, free and single'. We may have become a bit 'comfy' with buying the house etc, but she now goes out a lot more than she did before, but I suppose this may have something to do with the fact that she is now not having to divide her time between the two cities. In these sorts of situations, do couples ever get back together? I've tried (and failed) at phoning her, letting her know how I feel etc. I put some songs on her Spotify account and at first she text me to say that I got points for creativity but not to add anymore songs, however she then phoned an hour later and we had an argument because it upset her listening "to those types of songs". I just don't know what to do. She has asked for space and I'm now able to give her this, I let her phone me rather than calling her and try to keep all communication to a minimum (all though my heart is wrenching inside by doing this). The other issue is that we had a lot of 'couple friends' that have fizzled out since we broke up, at least towards me. I'm trying to go to socialising events and get back into sport which is all stuff that I let slide after a few years due to work and us being together etc, plus I work from home so my social life at the moment is pretty shocking. Any advice would be appreciated! Edited April 12, 2011 by CrazyMiner
nana841121 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 upgrading the old "me" ? The past is part of the current and future. She just gets tired of staying at the same situation . Give her some time If there is no the other man/woman, things can be sorted out more easily
Author CrazyMiner Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) That is true, I think she may have unfortunately got a bit bored of our relationship and had to exercise her 'itchy feet', whatever that means! (something she said). What do others think?? Edited April 12, 2011 by CrazyMiner
Author CrazyMiner Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Bit of an update: I met up with her last night to have a catch up and initially she was quite cold which is the complete opposite to her usual personality. When we have met up previously since we broke up she was always quite affectionate in that she would kiss me on the cheek when we left and give me a hug. This time she was a bit more distant, at first at least. It turns out that she was still annoyed at me for something I had done the week before where we ended up having an argument on the phone (basically I told her that I had been picking up mixed signals due to her over-affectionate manner, but she insisted that it was only meant in a friendly way and so we ended up having a bit of a sob and a falling out... she insists that if we can manage to be friends that we would be 'special friends', as in we have a large background etc). This did settle down though and she warmed up a bit after I apologised (we were sat in her bedroom at this point discussing house issues). Because I'm very close to her grand parents (basically treated them as my own as I never met my grand dads) we went across to visit him in hospital as he had just had an operation. We bumped into her mum and grand mother and had a good chat before leaving for dinner. In the car on the way I did bring up the subject of no contact. I said that some people had suggested this and she said the same. But I could tell that this isn't what she wanted and obviously my heart keeps telling me the same. At the restaurant we had a good chat about what we'd been up to over the past 2 weeks, basically just normal friend chat. We ate there for a while but as we were sat by the door we both got pretty cold and decided to leave. She invited me in for tea and cakes (which I found odd as surely if she had no/little feelings for me, she could have just ended the night there rather than inviting me back in???) and chatted further for about another hour about anything and everything. She then went to the bathroom, and I did something I think I regret. I checked one of her text messages (SMS's) to this guy she talks to a lot... he is gay, he had visited her last weekend and insisted on taking her to gay bars etc and he was apparently annoyed that he hadn't been hit on by any men where as lesbians had been dancing with her. Basically, she had text him just before I arrived saying something along the lines of "here we go again. not sure I will ever get used to this" which I take to mean us catching up once a fortnight. Also, she had tried to cancel on me the previous evening stating she was busy etc with her grand dad and couldn't come to my city. I offered to go to her as I was pretty near with work that day anyway, however there was another text between her and this gay guy the previous evening saying "my plan worked, he is coming to Preston!!! (the city she lives in)... But he never really did understand my communication" which I have taken to mean that perhaps she was actually trying to cancel on me for the sake of cancelling rather than being busy where as I was simply trying to solve a problem and make it easier for her. When she got back from the bathroom, I didn't mentioned I had seen the texts but basically said to her that, although I loved spending time with her, if it was causing too much upset or if she was just meeting up for me and not because she actually wanted to, that I was happy to go with what she wanted to do (here I was trying to judge whether there would ever be any chance of a 'second chance'). Even though I gave her the option, she said that she had had a good time tonight as well as the last time we met and basically that she was happy to keep meeting every 10 days to 2 weeks or so. The last thing we discussed was the house again before I left. We've sort of decided to rent it out fully rather than me stay in it and find a lodger for one of the other rooms as it works out better financially for the two of us. I asked her how long she wanted to rent it out for, as in short term or longer term, and the first thing she came back with was "well if we did ever get back together we wouldn't be staying in the house anyway (due to our jobs and where their located) so lets rent it out long term"... does this sort of statement suggest that somewhere in her mind there is the possibility of us getting back together some time? It just seemed an odd thing to say if not, especially coupled with the fact that we went back to her for tea and cakes after the meal (she suggested this).
Eeyore79 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I feel I should add here that trust has been an issue for a couple of years. I got very ill around 5 years ago and started talking to a guy online, just chatting away. This then turned to a sexual conversation, and she found the emails. We did stay together, but trust has always been a problem since then. I don't know whether you're male or female, but I'm assuming you're probably male. If I (as a female) found my (supposedly straight) boyfriend having sexual chats with gay men on the internet, you wouldn't see me for dust. Maybe she never got over discovering your bisexuality and has only just got up the courage to end the relationship?
Author CrazyMiner Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I don't know whether you're male or female, but I'm assuming you're probably male. If I (as a female) found my (supposedly straight) boyfriend having sexual chats with gay men on the internet, you wouldn't see me for dust. Maybe she never got over discovering your bisexuality and has only just got up the courage to end the relationship? I can see where your coming from. It does just seem a bit of a long time to suddenly decide it is still a problem. I never was and never have been bisexual, I was just young and as most young guys do was curious for a short while about my sexuality. She is very aware though that I find her extremely attractive and that mistake is not something that I was ever really interested in and have regretted ever since.
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